[ Jessica doesn't respond to Sayo's praise of Himiko. It's too complex, a place where she's lost without a map, without landmarks to find her way in. She desperately loves Sayo and she might have fallen for Himiko too, and there's no way she could have their love, either of them. Is she not good enough, after all? Jealousy and heartbreak and insecurity all tangle together, and she's happy too for them, or at least she knows that surely, some part of her is. She's happy. Yes, she's happy at Sayo's happiness. But that's just another root of love coiling in with the rest, sprouting thorns and making her heart bleed, even through her happiness. She doesn't have a map. She doesn't understand these feelings.
She remembers Sayo in her room, her confiding her jealousy of her and George's relationship and dramatically bemoaning her inability to get a boyfriend. She remembers what led from that, the lies and the desperate silent plea to be seen. She feels like she's right back at that moment. ...At least this time, she doesn't want to look away, ignore the feelings right in front of her. They've both grown so much. She can probably get through this, but she's so afraid of being alone.
And she fears that if she comments further, she doesn't know what will come spilling out of her stupid mouth.
Ah, there it was. That poorly considered comment about her mother, about the interlinked web of tragedy and trauma that bound them all. ]
S-Sorry…! I— sorry, I’m not good at this, ah…
[ She's too rough, she hurts people so easily, blind and careless and not good enough, not good enough. There's sympathy in her face, and a brief moment of fear that she's ruined it. She hopes that what they have is strong enough to forgive the little hurts, because there are so many, so many years of miscommunication that can't be detangled in a moment.
She's happy to move on. To what they can build, even if it's not what she desperately yearns for. ]
Yeah, I… I’m really glad you still want to be my friend, Sayo. [ But saying that isn't enough. There's more. Much more that she needs to say. ] I want to understand you, all of you, and I want to really look at you this time, and listen. I don’t want to be afraid anymore, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I always wanted to really, really know you, to not have all those walls between us and hiding and stupid rules and me being such a damn coward—
[ She bites her lip, suppressing the ugly surge of regret and self-loathing. What matters now is what they can do with all of that, what they can reshape it into. ]
You understood me. I think… you were the only one who really, really did. You comforted me when I was sad, and down on myself, you shared my joy when I was happy. I couldn’t have been me without you, Sayo. And it’s true that I did things for you too, but where it really counted…
[ It's easier now. There's no rising tide of bitterness in those words, just fervent appreciation, and devotion, and yes, unavoidably love. It's okay now. Or it's not, but it will be. She can feel it in Sayo's gentle smile, and how surprised and happy she was to see her here. It will be okay. She looks sidelong at her, smiling softly. ]
I’m happy to be friends again, but it really will be something new. Because I want to give all of that back to you. We can finally have something real.
[ She clears her throat, suddenly flustered at how she just spilled out her heart. Hopefully all of that wasn't quite the fiasco she feared it would be. Because it still hurts, a new hurt, but it can be something beautiful. ]
S-So, ah, I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, let's catch up! I'll be rooting for you. And, um, your hair looks, really good!
[ Was saying that too much? She laughs nervously and looks away, starting to get up to leave. ]
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She remembers Sayo in her room, her confiding her jealousy of her and George's relationship and dramatically bemoaning her inability to get a boyfriend. She remembers what led from that, the lies and the desperate silent plea to be seen. She feels like she's right back at that moment. ...At least this time, she doesn't want to look away, ignore the feelings right in front of her. They've both grown so much. She can probably get through this, but she's so afraid of being alone.
And she fears that if she comments further, she doesn't know what will come spilling out of her stupid mouth.
Ah, there it was. That poorly considered comment about her mother, about the interlinked web of tragedy and trauma that bound them all. ]
S-Sorry…! I— sorry, I’m not good at this, ah…
[ She's too rough, she hurts people so easily, blind and careless and not good enough, not good enough. There's sympathy in her face, and a brief moment of fear that she's ruined it. She hopes that what they have is strong enough to forgive the little hurts, because there are so many, so many years of miscommunication that can't be detangled in a moment.
She's happy to move on. To what they can build, even if it's not what she desperately yearns for. ]
Yeah, I… I’m really glad you still want to be my friend, Sayo. [ But saying that isn't enough. There's more. Much more that she needs to say. ] I want to understand you, all of you, and I want to really look at you this time, and listen. I don’t want to be afraid anymore, and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I always wanted to really, really know you, to not have all those walls between us and hiding and stupid rules and me being such a damn coward—
[ She bites her lip, suppressing the ugly surge of regret and self-loathing. What matters now is what they can do with all of that, what they can reshape it into. ]
You understood me. I think… you were the only one who really, really did. You comforted me when I was sad, and down on myself, you shared my joy when I was happy. I couldn’t have been me without you, Sayo. And it’s true that I did things for you too, but where it really counted…
[ It's easier now. There's no rising tide of bitterness in those words, just fervent appreciation, and devotion, and yes, unavoidably love. It's okay now. Or it's not, but it will be. She can feel it in Sayo's gentle smile, and how surprised and happy she was to see her here. It will be okay. She looks sidelong at her, smiling softly. ]
I’m happy to be friends again, but it really will be something new. Because I want to give all of that back to you. We can finally have something real.
[ She clears her throat, suddenly flustered at how she just spilled out her heart. Hopefully all of that wasn't quite the fiasco she feared it would be. Because it still hurts, a new hurt, but it can be something beautiful. ]
S-So, ah, I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, let's catch up! I'll be rooting for you. And, um, your hair looks, really good!
[ Was saying that too much? She laughs nervously and looks away, starting to get up to leave. ]