deercountry | September & October Catch-All

[ he wonders if it was straightforward as that. ]

What happened?

So much. It was so much...

[Still leaning against the edge of the canoe, Vyng's gaze becomes distant. How can something so seared so vividly into his mind feel like a lifetime ago?]

The Dream was falling apart. Countless entities from other worlds got pulled into town. They lacked physical forms, so they needed...someone. To hold onto. My spirit was like...I don't know. A beacon for them? And so my body became their anchor, to keep them tethered to the world.

I wouldn't have minded. I didn't mind, at first. They were desperate. But there were so many. Too many. Far more than I could help. I got overwhelmed. I wasn't...in control of myself anymore. I wasn't even me anymore.

My sense of self just, just...shattered.

[His tone takes on a detached quality, like Vyng is trying to separate himself from the experience as much as possible. It's the only way he can bring himself to recount the story.]

My body warped. One moment, I was a flock of terrified birds. The next, a torrential acidic rain. Thousands of frightened spirits were fighting for control. My identity kept shifting and changing. It was at the mercy of whoever was strongest in that moment.

This went on for days. Until my friends pulled together to pull me from this mountain of spirits. Their efforts ended with a friend force-feeding me a drink that suppressed my powers.

[Vyng swallows hard. Having his spiritual connections snuffed, even temporarily, had resulted in a terrible, deafening silence of the soul he never wants to suffer through again. The world's voices were beyond his reach. He couldn't communicate with the air, the water, his plants, any of the creatures still in the Dream, or...anyone else in his life, outside of Sleepers. It was the loneliest he'd been since he was a child.]

I was saved. [He shakes his head to himself, unable to reconcile the sheer waste of it all.] But those spirits were lost.

[ the force. that is the first thing that came to his mind. being so deeply connected to the living force . . . when it splintered, it splintered vyng as well. it is both impressive to harbour and hold such a deep connection with nature itself and a sorrow. sometimes, even the best of intentions can be held back by limitation. ]

They might have been lost anyway, with the way the tide turned. At least they were not alone, for a little while.

And I feel that matters, even in great sorrow.

[There is an element of truth behind Obi-Wan's words. As a druid, Vyng is well-acquainted with the scope of life. Rocks fall, creatures die, and the world keeps turning. Many times, all a person can do is make somebody's painful existence a little more comfortable during their final moments.

But Vyng can't even say he did that.]

My involvement prolonged everyone's suffering. For them, it was a constant battle for dominance because they needed to survive. And for me, the whole thing felt like fighting against a powerful water current, and then...drowning.

It was a horrible, helpless feeling. Even when I accepted it, the very last thing I felt was this awful sense of regret. I wanted to help them. But I was their prison.

So that's why...once I recovered, I went to the Summoning Stones. To change myself. I never wanted to make another living being feel that helpless again.

[Without realizing it, Vyng curls in a little tighter around himself. His fingers dig into the side of the boat with a white-knuckled grip.]

[ obi-wan didn't want to say something pithy. like it was a lesson. that sometimes, we must suffer to grow from it. and even though vyng said he's let it go, that is easier said than done. obi-wan would know. there is always an undercurrent of regret. ]

Do you believe you have? Changed yourself, I mean.

[Vyng's muscles are still tense. It might look like he's gazing at where the water laps against the canoe's hull, but his eyes are unfocused. Like his thoughts have drifted to another world.]

My shapeshifting is broken now.

[That much, at least, he knows.]

I knew it, the moment I collapsed into my friend's arms. I felt it. I still feel it.

It hurts.

[ ah. ]

Do you want to fix it?

I don't know.

[His response is immediate. Vyng has asked himself that question many times before. There is no easy answer.]

If I was the only one who got hurt, I think...I could live without it. It might even be for the best, you know? This kind of power isn't usually concentrated to a single shapeshifter back home. It would be too much for one vessel to contain. And believe me, I've fucked up my world lots, just by accident.

[That last sentence is punctuated with a hint of a rueful smile, before it fades away.]

But my shapeshifting has always been a two-way street. A partnership between me and countless other beings. There is no such thing as only one getting hurt.

Then I suppose it's part of a much longer conversation. If you think you deserve to have it back, if you feel you should be healed or not. And those are answers only you can have for yourself.

In my experience, being in pain doesn't amount to much. There is no penance, no atonement that comes from it. It is just . . . pain.

Letting it go may not fix it, but all things must heal. Isn't that part of nature itself?

[All things must heal, true. But they seldom go back to how they were. That is the nature of all things. And yet, to ask himself whether he deserves to be whole again...it's not as simple as that.]

That's the thing. It's not just about me, pal. It's—

[A cold knot tightens in the pit of Vyng's stomach. Like he's staring into some dark chasm, rooted in place with fear. Stuck, unable to progress.]

I don't even remember what happened. [It's the first time he's admitted as much, out loud.] I just...have a bad feeling, that a bunch of spirits got hurt in the process.

[ hmm. memory work is tricky. not really obi-wan's forte, though he could help assist it. ]

Do you feel you should remember in order to heal?

Can a person heal without acknowledging the problem?

[It seems like trying to dress a wound you can't even see.]

It depends on whether it is an acknowledgement or a punishment. It can be a difficult line to tread.

When does it become a punishment, though?

When it never ends.

[ because all things must, for good or for ill. ]

Well, I haven't even started yet, so. It'd be acknowledgement, I guess.

That would be the best place to start.

Okay.

[A long pause, and then:]

How does somebody acknowledge something they're too dumb to remember?

It's not stupidity. It is a traumatic response.

[ obi-wan breathes out quietly. ]

The best thing to do would be to follow the feelings. Every sensation or thought you can remember. And slowly acknowledge and release it.

[Vyng visibly flinches at that. But he doesn't argue. Obi-Wan is right. He can't remember because he needed to survive, be there for his best friend, and guide him into the Waking World.

That suggestion sounds simple enough. But contemplating it feels like staring up at a mountain with no discernible path. He can't even bring himself to say the word "trauma", for god's sake.

Vyng's fingers are still digging into the boat's wood.]

I'm not sure how far I can get. I'm not even sure I'm ready.

[ gently, like the river. ]

Then go as far as you can. Don't go alone.

But you must do it. Ready or not.

[Ready or not. That sense of danger, coupled with the feeling of "but I must". Letting the water pour into your lungs, and the wind push you where it may. Vyng knows it well. Every shapeshifter must experience it, in order to awaken their powers. When his own Winter Walk failed to trigger those feelings, Vyng put his piloting skills to the test by entering the world's deadliest ice race competition...with zero ambition of winning, and every intention of almost getting himself killed.

But in some ways, this is still far more difficult.]

...Do you normally go unpacking people's baggage on the first date? Or are you just a really good counselor who's always on the clock?

["Vyng, you're stalling." He can practically hear his mother's stern voice. Because he absolutely is stalling — by being a wise-ass.]

[ wryly. ]

I am an excellent counselor, thank you.

[ and he levels vyng with a long look. ]

And it seems like you needed to hear it.

[Vyng quietly laughs. Excuse him, but he needed a moment of levity.]

You're right. I did...

[The smile fades. He's not sure where to start, or who to turn to. This is too much, too raw, to drop on his friends or family. Especially Tuck.]

[ obi-wan doesn't say anything. he only extends his hand, palm turned upward. the force moves within him, a shimmering light in his being. ]

You are not alone.

(no subject)

spiritwalks - 2021-11-08 06:00 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

jedies - 2021-11-08 07:36 (UTC) - Expand