[ Just listening to this makes Ange's heart feel like it's being crushed. It's like there's two opposite forces pressing right against it. On the one hand is the fact that it hurts so much to hear someone so important say something like that about themselves, but then on the other side of her heart is the fact that it's like she's looking at a mirror reflection right now, a portal to the past. It's so painfully familiar.
Between those two forces, and the fact that she can see that he's about to cry as well as he says these things, Ange can feel her own tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
Without saying a word, she tries to quickly wade the distance between them. There's a desperate speed to the movement, and Peter will be able to feel it as Ange basically throws herself at him. Her arms move around him, hands digging into the fabric at the back of his shirt, her forehead resting against his chest.
She doesn't look up at him as she speaks. ]
Years ago I stood on the edge of the roof of a skyscraper.
[ Her voice is so tight, and it's obvious she's trying to talk through the tears, but she pushes on. This story is of no use unless she gets it all the way out here. ]
I.. I kept thinking. About how much I just didn't want to deal with anything anymore. About how-- how tired I was of everything. It felt like everything in my life was going wrong, and that everything would keep hurting forever. I thought that maybe it was because I was supposed to have died with my family, all those years before.. or that maybe I had actually already died with them there, and that the life I had been living after was nothing more than a daydream or a delusion flashing in front of my eyes. I thought I-- I wasn't supposed to live.
[ She's not even intentionally mirroring some of his words.
It's just that her feelings then, and his feelings now.. they're so close to being the same thing. The thought of it makes something in her chest twist, but she keeps clinging to Peter, like he might disappear into the ocean the moment she lets go. ]
So I stepped off the edge.
[ It sounds so simple when she speaks about it now, she thinks. Just a single step. ]
And.. you know, right? What they always say, about how people who commit suicide start regretting it the moment they're dying.. but that's nonsense. I-- I didn't feel anything like that at all. It just felt like I made the right decision. That there was no way my life was ever going to get better anyway. Like I'd finally, finally.. return to my proper place, and get to rest. [ The feelings feel so raw as she recalls them now, even though Ange has finally managed to abandon them. Maybe it's since she felt them so vividly for so long that she can recall them so perfectly, even now.
Her body shakes against him. ]
.. you know though, Peter? I.. did start regretting it. I started doing so back in Deerington, and even now. I was so convinced that my life wasn't going to change, and that I'd have to keep feeling that way forever, but I.. I just never imagined that sometimes stuff can change so radically.
[ Being dragged to another world. Meeting people you usually never would have met. Circumstances shifting in ways you never imagined, because everything always felt so rigid and heavy, like you'd never escape the shackles your past put around your limbs. ]
And if I had stayed dead, I never would have met Ruby. Or Luna, or any of our other friends. And then I..
[ She finally pulls back her face. Not relinquishing her hold on him, but she at least looks up at him, her gaze meeting his, the messy tears so easily visible. ]
I wouldn't have met you either, Peter. And then I-- I would've never known how easy it could be to talk to someone, weirdly enough almost from the start. Like there's something we share that just.. takes all barriers away. [ Even if Ange didn't initially realise said barrier breaker was shared trauma molding them into such similar beings. ] .. I know it probably sounds dumb. Like it couldn't possibly be true that anything could get better, or that heavy feeling could change. I know, if someone had told me stuff like this when I was standing on that skyscraper, I would've laughed at them and never believed it.
[ Because that's what happens when you're in that pit. Nothing could possibly convince you there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you've been wandering through darkness for years, no matter how logical the arguments for it are. ]
But.. I'll say it anyway. You belong here, Peter. You're so much more than just-- just some container for Paimon, or whatever. You're you, and I love you for it. [ It feels strangely easy to use that l-word with him. Maybe because it's something she feels so deep and instinctively in her bones. It's obviously platonic in nature, but so strong all the same.
Maybe it's because she knows that, more than anything, she wanted someone to come to her and tell her exactly that same word when she was on the ledge. Maybe it would have changed something. Anything. ]
And one day, it'll get lighter. So you.. you have to stay around for that day, okay..?
extra emphasis cw: description and talk of past suicide
Between those two forces, and the fact that she can see that he's about to cry as well as he says these things, Ange can feel her own tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
Without saying a word, she tries to quickly wade the distance between them. There's a desperate speed to the movement, and Peter will be able to feel it as Ange basically throws herself at him. Her arms move around him, hands digging into the fabric at the back of his shirt, her forehead resting against his chest.
She doesn't look up at him as she speaks. ]
Years ago I stood on the edge of the roof of a skyscraper.
[ Her voice is so tight, and it's obvious she's trying to talk through the tears, but she pushes on. This story is of no use unless she gets it all the way out here. ]
I.. I kept thinking. About how much I just didn't want to deal with anything anymore. About how-- how tired I was of everything. It felt like everything in my life was going wrong, and that everything would keep hurting forever. I thought that maybe it was because I was supposed to have died with my family, all those years before.. or that maybe I had actually already died with them there, and that the life I had been living after was nothing more than a daydream or a delusion flashing in front of my eyes. I thought I-- I wasn't supposed to live.
[ She's not even intentionally mirroring some of his words.
It's just that her feelings then, and his feelings now.. they're so close to being the same thing. The thought of it makes something in her chest twist, but she keeps clinging to Peter, like he might disappear into the ocean the moment she lets go. ]
So I stepped off the edge.
[ It sounds so simple when she speaks about it now, she thinks. Just a single step. ]
And.. you know, right? What they always say, about how people who commit suicide start regretting it the moment they're dying.. but that's nonsense. I-- I didn't feel anything like that at all. It just felt like I made the right decision. That there was no way my life was ever going to get better anyway. Like I'd finally, finally.. return to my proper place, and get to rest. [ The feelings feel so raw as she recalls them now, even though Ange has finally managed to abandon them. Maybe it's since she felt them so vividly for so long that she can recall them so perfectly, even now.
Her body shakes against him. ]
.. you know though, Peter? I.. did start regretting it. I started doing so back in Deerington, and even now. I was so convinced that my life wasn't going to change, and that I'd have to keep feeling that way forever, but I.. I just never imagined that sometimes stuff can change so radically.
[ Being dragged to another world. Meeting people you usually never would have met. Circumstances shifting in ways you never imagined, because everything always felt so rigid and heavy, like you'd never escape the shackles your past put around your limbs. ]
And if I had stayed dead, I never would have met Ruby. Or Luna, or any of our other friends. And then I..
[ She finally pulls back her face. Not relinquishing her hold on him, but she at least looks up at him, her gaze meeting his, the messy tears so easily visible. ]
I wouldn't have met you either, Peter. And then I-- I would've never known how easy it could be to talk to someone, weirdly enough almost from the start. Like there's something we share that just.. takes all barriers away. [ Even if Ange didn't initially realise said barrier breaker was shared trauma molding them into such similar beings. ] .. I know it probably sounds dumb. Like it couldn't possibly be true that anything could get better, or that heavy feeling could change. I know, if someone had told me stuff like this when I was standing on that skyscraper, I would've laughed at them and never believed it.
[ Because that's what happens when you're in that pit. Nothing could possibly convince you there's a light at the end of the tunnel when you've been wandering through darkness for years, no matter how logical the arguments for it are. ]
But.. I'll say it anyway. You belong here, Peter. You're so much more than just-- just some container for Paimon, or whatever. You're you, and I love you for it. [ It feels strangely easy to use that l-word with him. Maybe because it's something she feels so deep and instinctively in her bones. It's obviously platonic in nature, but so strong all the same.
Maybe it's because she knows that, more than anything, she wanted someone to come to her and tell her exactly that same word when she was on the ledge. Maybe it would have changed something. Anything. ]
And one day, it'll get lighter. So you.. you have to stay around for that day, okay..?