deercountry | ( closed ) if i try to hold the emotions in

Entry tags:

( closed ) if i try to hold the emotions in

Who: Anakin Skywalker (

facultative) and Luke Skywalker (

faithfulson)
What: Continuing on from the tdm thread
When: Beginning of the month
Where: Obi-Wan and Anakin's house

Content Warnings: TBD

[Anakin leaves Luke standing outside a very suburban American style house that really doesn't fit in with the overall Trench aesthetic. Even odder is the starfighter that adorns the front lawn. Once he's confirmed that no one else is here he rushes back over.]

He's not here, it's safe to come in. I'll show you where the fresher is and you can get the muck off. I'll have some clothes ready for you when you're done.

[And as if Luke wasn't overwhelmed already, R2-D2 will greet them when they walk back in with some curious beeps at Anakin about their new guest and why it had to be a secret. Anakin pets the droid's head fondly.]

Hey, buddy. I'll introduce you guys once he's clean.

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[ Luke stayed huddled in the cloak he had been given, trying not to be impatient. He knew his father meant well in wanting to avoid Obi-Wan knowing about him, but considering how fondly Old Ben had spoken of his father, he doubted it would be as big of an issue as he was making it seem. ]

[ He gratefully hurried to move inside once his father gave him the okay, only to end up dropping his bag, staring in disbelief. ]

Artoo? Why are you here?

[Luke knowing Artoo is less odd for Anakin than for Luke. Of course he'd know the family astromech, why wouldn't he? What's more interesting is that he seems surprised by the droid.]

Because he's mine? Well, he's your mother's first, but I need him more than she does.

[ Luke stared at his father, open mouthed, at a complete loss for words. Artoo... belonged to his parents? Since Leia had the droid before he did, he assumed that he had just belonged to the Alderaanian royal house. Who owned him before that was never something he thought of. ]

[ And that little scoundrel never told him! ]

I had no idea. He never told me, and...

[ He hesitated a moment, shaking his head, before slinging his bag off his shoulder, passing it off to his father. ]

That's... another thing to talk about. Right now, I just really want that shower. Do you mind seeing if there's anything in there I can wear?

[ Hopefully his bag had the clothes he was wearing when he ended up in this place. He was rather fond of that outfit. ]

[Anakin accepts the bag and points down the hallway.]

Go down that way and it's the first door.

[Luke will hear him giddily whispering to Artoo that's his son as he walks off. However once those explanations are done and he's waiting for Luke to finish he decides to do as Luke asked and check out what he's got. The clothes he discovers first and are left by the door and he returns to the lounge to snoop some more. Two other lightsabers are pulled out and he wonders if his son favours Jar'Kai too.

Except a closer examination reveals that they've clearly been assembled by different people. One looks like something Obi-Wan might have made, but simpler and the other follows how he favours his construction, but it's a lot bulkier than he'd ever think of making it. Like it was made for someone who had less finesse with their hands.

He holds them out to disassemble with the Force and it only confirms his impressions. But more importantly he can feel one of the kyber crystal's emanating distress and it almost seems to shy away from his presence. He reassembles the pieces and holding one in each hand he activates them, one a normal green blade, but his eyes widen with surprise as the red blade glows in front of them.]

...What did you do, Luke?

[ Luke can't help but smile faintly at the sound of his father and Artoo talking excitedly. It was refreshing to know that the two of them seemed to have a similar relationship. ]

[ He was more than happy to indulge in the warm water, soaking away the muck from the well and the stress of awakening, especially with what he had been doing before all this. By the time he made it out, happy to be in his own clothes, he actually felt relaxed for the first time in awhile. ]

[ Of course, that all came to a stop when he saw his father holding his lightsaber... as well as Vaders. ]

[ He paused a moment, a sad look coming to his face. He didn't know why he had grabbed it when he saw it just on the edge of the reactor shaft. He didn't know if the crystal within could be healed, or if his father would have even wanted it, had he... ]

[ A soft breath escaped from him, before he finally shrugged. ]

I did what a Jedi does. Defeated the Sith, and brought peace and justice back to the galaxy.

[ He wished he didn't sound so melancholy about it. It probably made this look so much worse. ]

[He extinguishes both blades and offer's Luke's lightsaber back, but holds on to Vader's for now.]

So Master Windu fails.

[The Sith should have been dealt with in his time, it shouldn't have been left to Luke.]

I'm sorry, I should have gone with them. It was supposed to end there. I never wanted this life for you.

[ While in the 'fresher, Luke had removed the damaged synthflesh on his hand, not seeing much point in keeping it on anymore, but he hadn't covered his hand with a glove either. Metal clacked onto metal as he gingerly accepted his lightsaber back, looking down at it as he fought against the emotions warring in him. Casting it aside, refusing to play the Emperor's games, knowing he was a Jedi because he chose to let go of his hatred over what his father has become and what Palpatine had done to him... he didn't know how he was going to explain all of that. He wasn't even sure where to start, and glancing up at Anakin, his eyes lingering on the lightsaber this version of his father had yet to make, didn't really help him figure it out. ]

[ He finally clipped his lightsaber to his belt after a moment, his hand lingering on it, before he relaxed, reaching out to the Force for calm he desperately needed right now. ]

How much do you know about what happens after the Clone Wars?

[Anakin's prosthetic arm is covered by a glove as always and he curls them into a fist by his side as he takes in his son's own. He steps away and looks out a window, unable to face his failure to his family and as always he takes the jumbled ball of emotions and pushes them down rather than releasing them.]

Not much. I... I've had visions of the future.

Padmé dying, Obi-Wan walking away. I've been looking for a way to stop it. The Chancellor... he said he could help me if I agreed to be his apprentice. [He looks down.] But I don't think he can.

[ Luke watched him quietly, feeling an ache in his heart. He wanted to stop there, to not tell him much more, but he knew he was going to need to. What was worse, he knew he needed to be blunt and to the point, because he was fairly sure if he didn't, his father would try to find some way to deny it happened. ]

He doesn't.

I don't know the specifics, just what Leia's told me. The Chancellor declared the Jedi traitors, and reformed the Republic into the Galactic Empire, naming himself Emperor.

[ He took a deep breath, bracing himself. ]

...and you help him make it happen.

[Anakin brings the Sith's and his own lightsaber up and compares them again in light of what Luke claims. He doesn't rage or cry or even seem to react at all, but a coldness still creeps into the Force until the light seems like a distant memory.

To have it all laid out, it made a certain sense. They'd been telling him he was fallen and he'd been denying it this whole time, but they weren't wrong. There was something wrong with him or maybe this was what he was meant to be all along.

Again he holds out the lightsabers and disassembles them, removing the kyber crystal from the Sith's and replacing it into his own. The other lightsaber and his crystal drop to the floor in pieces.]

I see.

[When he turns back around, his eyes seem to remain blue, but from a different angle they might gleam a sickly yellow.]

What was my name?

[Perhaps some might make excuses that the effects of bloodsport and the world's corruption was unduly influencing him and they wouldn't be wrong, but it's him that's taking that final step.]

[ Well... kriff. ]

[ The moment he feels that familiar cold, not laced with pain but pure dark, deep rage, Luke inhaled sharply. He felt helpless, watching in despair as a thing of nightmares came to life, the beginnings of the man that would come to be more machine. He wanted to cry, to kick himself for being this stupid and not realizing the cracks he had glimpsed were deeper than he thought. ]

[ Dammit, he literally just dragged his father back from the Dark! He didn't go through that just to watch him fall back in! ]

[ Luke darted forward, reaching out with his right hand and grabbing his father's arm. ]

Father, don't do this. Please don't do this.

[He's limp in Luke's hands as if he's not giving his full attention and maybe he isn't. The Force feels so different without his constant inner conflict and this is what he was looking for when he stood over Flynn's body.]

It's alright, Luke. I get it now.

Thank you for telling me. But you still haven't answered my question.

[ He knows there's good in his father; he knew it was there when he was Vader, and he knows it's here now. The only problem is, Anakin hasn't had twenty-three years of guilt and pain to slough through to bring it back to the surface. ]

[ And... without that, he didn't know where to start. ]

[ He settled for tightening his grip on his arm, holding onto him tight, metal digging into flesh as if to say look what you're going to do to me. ]

No; I'm not going to let you go down this path, father. You are a good person; I know you are.

[Luke's holding him tight enough to bruise, but he forgives him because it's a sign of how much he cares. Anakin brings his other hand to gently cup Luke's face.]

If you want to be a real Jedi, you'll have to let me go.

[He understands how it is. He so desperately wanted to be a good Jedi once too.]

It's hard, isn't it? A Jedi has no attachments, no family. Do you think you can let go of everyone you love?

[ This was the first time his father ever held him like this, and it had to be in some facsimile of tenderness. Luke was already hating this. ]

[ What he says is just another kick to the gut for him. He had no idea how the old Order worked; Obi-Wan had died before he could tell him much, and Yoda never said anything about it. He found his hand on his arm loosening, shock and dismay registering on his face. ]

No... family?

They took me from my mother. Said it was wrong of me to miss her. They wanted me to forget her. Why do you think we kept our love a secret? You? The Jedi would never have allowed it.

[With his other arm freed he also brings it up to hold Luke. His sweet boy so lead astray, if only he had been there for him.]

We wanted you more than anything.

[ Grandma Shmi? The old Order wouldn't let him see her? His heart ached for him, remembering when Aunt Beru had explained what happened to his grandmother. It suddenly, painfully reminded him of how Yoda had tried to stop him from trying to rescue Han and Leia from Bespin -- yes, it had been a disaster and they lost Han for a whole year, but he couldn't sacrifice them. ]

[ He let go of his father, resting his mechanical palm against his arm, his souvenir from Bespin. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, letting calm flood him as he tried to think of what to say. This revelation was starting to bring his own training to a newer light though, how Yoda had focused on the philosophy and more peaceful use of the Force itself, rather than the tenants of the Jedi Order. Perhaps he had realized just where they went wrong, but didn't have the perspective to know how to fix it. ]

[ He opened his eyes, looking up to his father, and trying desperately to nudge him with the calm he was pulling from the Force, hoping it would be enough. ]

I'm sorry, father; they were wrong to do that to you. They were wrong to make you feel like you had to hide.

But this doesn't make it right. What you and the Emperor end up doing... father, it's awful. People are struggling to survive in the galaxy because of you two, and several planets have been completely destroyed in more ways than one because of the Empire. You forced your suffering on everyone in the galaxy.

[He finds he doesn't care about the lives of all these other people who live in the galaxy. As long as the people he cared about were safe what did it matter to him whether they lived or died?

And if they weren't safe, if they had died instead, then why shouldn't everyone suffer as he did? If he had to experience the anguish of knowing he had to go on without Padmé, then so be it. It was nothing compared to the galaxy's cruelty through its inaction.]

A galaxy without your mother isn't one worth saving.

[He drops his hands and takes a step back.]

I will do whatever it takes.

[ Luke felt his heart fall still in his horror and sorrow, suddenly understanding so much about his father just from that. He still didn't know the full story, and it was likely he never would, but what he had here was enough to break his heart, especially with just how tired he was after this last year. ]

[ He let out a soft breath, closing his eyes a moment as he clung desperately to the calm he called for in the Force. ]

You certainly will.

[ Luke raised his head after a moment, reaching a hand out to the discarded lightsaber pieces on the floor. They were slow and sluggish to respond, and he frowned at the abnormality of it; maybe it was because he had just awakened, and his powers weren't stabilized yet, but eventually they slowly made their way into his bag, before he grabbed it up by the straps, slinging it over his shoulder. ]

[ Without a word, he turned and headed back to the entrance of the house, though he paused at the door, hesitating. ]

I... know what it means to have to let go of the people you care for. I've lost so many over the last four years. It hurts, every time, but I know they're still with me, in a way, and that's enough.

[ He finally turned toward his father again, his grief clear on his face. ]

The same happened to you, after you sacrificed yourself to save my life. I didn't want to lose you, even after all you'd done, even if it was better that you pass on than to continue living in pain. I didn't want to let you go.

[Anakin lets him go. He wants his son by his side, but it doesn't need to be this Luke that does. Once he has his way Padmé and him can be happy together and Luke will never know a galaxy where they didn't know his parents.

He's already been weakened with Jedi teachings, the way he struggles to call the Force to him shows how insidious their methods could be. It was better to start anew. He'd be involved in Luke's life and ensure he got the direction he needed.]

I forgive you. You didn't know any better.

[It wasn't Luke's fault that he fell for the Jedi's sweet lies. This was a gift from the Force showing him what his path was and the consequences of failure.]

I only ask that you stay out of my way. There's no need for us to hurt each other.

[ Luke absently clutched his right hand, metal clacking against each other. Really, he wanted to scream; he really, truly believed his father had good in him -- he had seen it back home, but here... here he wasn't so sure. His father was so... broken, he wasn't sure if he hadn't imagined that goodness or not. ]

[ He finally shook his head, turning away. ]

...I've only caught a glimpse of 'Anakin'. I wanted to know more about him.

[ He reached out, pulling the door open before he hesitated again, fighting with himself. ]

I'm honestly a little tired of dealing with 'Vader'.

[ Luke walked out at that, hoping he wasn't going to regret that any more than he already regretted this whole damn thing. ]

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( closed ) if i try to hold the emotions in

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