( open ) I can't control withering wonders

[jedies]

Who: Alucard, Ahiru and Obi-Wan + You
What: Memshare prompts from the Test Drive
When: September!
Where: Around ish!

( prompts will be in the comments below. if you have a preference, please reach out to me @ timmtams or pm this journal! )

Comments

[jedies]

I'm at home. You're welcome to discuss it there.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Then I'm on my way.

[And with that he hangs up and clears the hell out of the Archives, as fast as he reasonably can, before he gets caught up in something else. Lets his sense in the Force guide him to Obi-wan, once he's back at the house.

And if he's openly looking Obi-wan over again, well. He's thinks he's been pretty calm, all things considered.]


I'd wonder if I just...made it up out of my own memories. But there was a woman I didn't recognize.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan's expression softens, out of sorrow. ]

Tala, I presume.

[ezra_of_lothal]

I didn't linger in those moments long enough to get an introduction.

[He studies that expression with concern.]

It was dark...I felt Vader. And you - um, afraid.

[There's no judgement at all in his tone, simply hesitation to openly name that feeling. Obi-wan will not like that he has seen and felt this, he doesn't imagine.]

And there was fire. [It's funny, how he'd managed not to freeze into inaction, there, in that moment, but he wants to flinch away, now, remembering.

Better than the other way around, he supposes.]

[jedies]

[ ah. obi-wan falls quiet for a moment. it had been a painful, visceral moment, but the moment passed and obi-wan made it through the storm. but he gets the feeling this is less about him and more about ezra. ]

Yes, he — needed me. Needed me to suffer.

Are you all right?

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He'd been about to say that he was ok, but Obi-wan's phrasing makes his guts like they've been plunged in ice.]

Obi-wan, no. [He winces and tries to dial back the sharpness in his tone.]

He wanted you to suffer. That was a choice.

[jedies]

I'm not denying that.

[ but it's not that simple. not for him. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Obi-wan certainly has his entire attention now.]

Do you believe that you deserved it?

[jedies]

I had, at the time. Now, I do not.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He suspects the truth is somewhere in between those two statements. Changing perspective, letting go, can be a process. But he does relax, just a little. And the best thing he can do, probably, is accept Obi-wan at his word, anyway.]

Ok. Good. Because you don't deserve that, and never could.

[Obi-wan's initial choice of words still worries him, but he's not sure how to dig at it.]

[jedies]

I am aware of that.

[ more or less. ]

That's why I said he needed it.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He shakes his head.]

I still don't understand what you mean. Sure, maybe he convinced himself that he needed it. That he deserved to hurt you, to have revenge. Maybe even that it would make him feel better somehow.

[jedies]

It sounds like you understand it just fine.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Hmmm.]

I guess I just don't think indulging that lie, even just between us, does any good.

[jedies]

Perhaps it's not about the good. It's just about the state of mind he was in.

[ezra_of_lothal]

No, I mean -[He sighs.]

In my experience, wanting revenge...it hurts the person who thinks they want it, too.

[He shrugs.]

Maybe that's just me.

[jedies]

I think he was well past that point.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra is quiet for a moment, thinking through his words carefully.]

Because this was the choice he had made, and at that point, kept making, for a decade?

[jedies]

I think he felt it was the only choice left.

[ "Anakin Skywalker is dead." ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Another beat of silence.]

Despair.

[jedies]

Despair.

[ then he adds, gently. ]

I'm not trying to make excuses, Ezra. I'm simply coming from a different place.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Do you...mind explaining a little more?

I feel like I've got, like, half a map to your perspective, and I'm guessing the rest.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hesitates, briefly pensive. ]

I suppose I can try.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Immediately, in a rush-]

You don't have to.

And you can just - stop. If you need to.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives him a wry smile. ]

I doubt you could force me into anything, Ezra. Why not ask your questions and I will do my best.