( open ) I can't control withering wonders

[jedies]

Who: Alucard, Ahiru and Obi-Wan + You
What: Memshare prompts from the Test Drive
When: September!
Where: Around ish!

( prompts will be in the comments below. if you have a preference, please reach out to me @ timmtams or pm this journal! )

Comments

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He'd been about to say that he was ok, but Obi-wan's phrasing makes his guts like they've been plunged in ice.]

Obi-wan, no. [He winces and tries to dial back the sharpness in his tone.]

He wanted you to suffer. That was a choice.

[jedies]

I'm not denying that.

[ but it's not that simple. not for him. ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Obi-wan certainly has his entire attention now.]

Do you believe that you deserved it?

[jedies]

I had, at the time. Now, I do not.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He suspects the truth is somewhere in between those two statements. Changing perspective, letting go, can be a process. But he does relax, just a little. And the best thing he can do, probably, is accept Obi-wan at his word, anyway.]

Ok. Good. Because you don't deserve that, and never could.

[Obi-wan's initial choice of words still worries him, but he's not sure how to dig at it.]

[jedies]

I am aware of that.

[ more or less. ]

That's why I said he needed it.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He shakes his head.]

I still don't understand what you mean. Sure, maybe he convinced himself that he needed it. That he deserved to hurt you, to have revenge. Maybe even that it would make him feel better somehow.

[jedies]

It sounds like you understand it just fine.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Hmmm.]

I guess I just don't think indulging that lie, even just between us, does any good.

[jedies]

Perhaps it's not about the good. It's just about the state of mind he was in.

[ezra_of_lothal]

No, I mean -[He sighs.]

In my experience, wanting revenge...it hurts the person who thinks they want it, too.

[He shrugs.]

Maybe that's just me.

[jedies]

I think he was well past that point.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra is quiet for a moment, thinking through his words carefully.]

Because this was the choice he had made, and at that point, kept making, for a decade?

[jedies]

I think he felt it was the only choice left.

[ "Anakin Skywalker is dead." ]

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Another beat of silence.]

Despair.

[jedies]

Despair.

[ then he adds, gently. ]

I'm not trying to make excuses, Ezra. I'm simply coming from a different place.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Do you...mind explaining a little more?

I feel like I've got, like, half a map to your perspective, and I'm guessing the rest.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hesitates, briefly pensive. ]

I suppose I can try.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Immediately, in a rush-]

You don't have to.

And you can just - stop. If you need to.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives him a wry smile. ]

I doubt you could force me into anything, Ezra. Why not ask your questions and I will do my best.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Force Obi-wan into anything? No, he probably never could, even if he tried.

But leverage emotions in a way he might regret?

Ever since he's had the memories of Mustafar dumped into his head, he's been scared of hurting Obi-wan in this way - both because he'd seen how vulnerable the Jedi Master could be and because of how that sharing of memories had happened.

There's another, longer, silence he tries to figure what exactly it is he's trying to figure out. And what he wants to ask, to try to get there.

Eventually, he straightens his shoulders and looks Obi-wan in the eyes.]

Do you still feel responsible for his choices?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan meets the gaze, unflinching. ]

No. Not anymore.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He breathes out in even more obvious relief.]

Then what did you mean by coming from a different place?

[jedies]

[ an interesting question, though one obi-wan thought ezra would have realized. ]

I come from a place of knowing Anakin Skywalker.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[And he had and does follow that much. It's just-

He presses his lips together.]

I don't-

[He rubs a hand over the bridge of his nose.]

This is tough to talk about because..words are hard, I guess. And people are complicated. Names are tricky. Time and change and choices.

I used the name Vader in this conversation because Anakin hasn't made the same sort of choices here. In that sense, Anakin isn't that person. I hope that keeps being true.

But I don't, actually, ever forget that, in another sense, they're one and the same.