( open ) I can't control withering wonders

[jedies]

Who: Alucard, Ahiru and Obi-Wan + You
What: Memshare prompts from the Test Drive
When: September!
Where: Around ish!

( prompts will be in the comments below. if you have a preference, please reach out to me @ timmtams or pm this journal! )

Comments

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Another beat of silence.]

Despair.

[jedies]

Despair.

[ then he adds, gently. ]

I'm not trying to make excuses, Ezra. I'm simply coming from a different place.

[ezra_of_lothal]

Do you...mind explaining a little more?

I feel like I've got, like, half a map to your perspective, and I'm guessing the rest.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hesitates, briefly pensive. ]

I suppose I can try.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Immediately, in a rush-]

You don't have to.

And you can just - stop. If you need to.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives him a wry smile. ]

I doubt you could force me into anything, Ezra. Why not ask your questions and I will do my best.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Force Obi-wan into anything? No, he probably never could, even if he tried.

But leverage emotions in a way he might regret?

Ever since he's had the memories of Mustafar dumped into his head, he's been scared of hurting Obi-wan in this way - both because he'd seen how vulnerable the Jedi Master could be and because of how that sharing of memories had happened.

There's another, longer, silence he tries to figure what exactly it is he's trying to figure out. And what he wants to ask, to try to get there.

Eventually, he straightens his shoulders and looks Obi-wan in the eyes.]

Do you still feel responsible for his choices?

[jedies]

[ obi-wan meets the gaze, unflinching. ]

No. Not anymore.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He breathes out in even more obvious relief.]

Then what did you mean by coming from a different place?

[jedies]

[ an interesting question, though one obi-wan thought ezra would have realized. ]

I come from a place of knowing Anakin Skywalker.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[And he had and does follow that much. It's just-

He presses his lips together.]

I don't-

[He rubs a hand over the bridge of his nose.]

This is tough to talk about because..words are hard, I guess. And people are complicated. Names are tricky. Time and change and choices.

I used the name Vader in this conversation because Anakin hasn't made the same sort of choices here. In that sense, Anakin isn't that person. I hope that keeps being true.

But I don't, actually, ever forget that, in another sense, they're one and the same.

[jedies]

[ softly. ]

Yes . . . and no.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Well. He did just say words are hard and people are complicated.]

Which you must mean differently from the distinction I just made.

I'm listening.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan shakes his head slowly. the last thing vader told him . . . obi-wan didn't feel it was right to share. perhaps with anakin, someday. ]

I'm afraid that's all I can say for now.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[Ezra hesitates, mouth open for a long moment, and then says, slow and careful-]

I...heard some things he said to Ahsoka, when they finally met again. On Malachor.

It, um. Took me a long time to make much sense of the parts I did hear.

[jedies]

[ ah. ]

It must have been difficult for her.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He huffs out an unhappy sound.]

Yes. She...didn't want to leave him. Force pushed me out of the Sith temple while it came down around them.

[Another, softer, amazed huff.]

Which...is not the end of that story, thankfully. I just realized, from her perspective, she protected me against two Sith Lords in the space of a couple of hours. And talked me through one of the hardest decisions of my life.

[jedies]

[ oh, ahsoka. that must have broken her heart. ]

She always did face things head on.

[ezra_of_lothal]

She's good at it. But also the spy stuff.

[He clears his throat.]

I guess my point is...I know it's complicated. And I care about all of you.

[jedies]

[ kindly. ]

Thank you, Ezra. I do not doubt that. It's simply . . . too personal for now.

[ezra_of_lothal]

[He nods.]

Then we don't have to talk about it anymore.

[jedies]

Mm. I think it's fine to leave it there.