[she spits it out. she can't handle this. she looks into his eyes that she's always thought seemed so appropriate to how hollow and empty he is within, and she cannot control her own emotions. like she's ever been able to. apollonia sees the Lord her God before her and she is overcome with a flood that has already begun leaking out of her but it makes her want to writhe and seethe and die to hear that He dares to blame Himself.]
Do you expect me to be happy with that answer? Do you think I'll... I'll roll over and go away if you keep denying me this? It hasn't worked for a myriad, and it isn't going to work now. [she rears her arm back like she's going to punch him, but she freezes in place like she can't even do that properly. there's tension throughout her entire body that, once, mercymorn might even have offered to ease. but joy is gone from her life, and it is gone from His, and she stares at His Holy Fucking Eyes and recognizes an emptiness roiling within her.]
[it is too terrible to bear. to come to the mountain and see the face of her God in the end of all things. to gaze upon Him like a mirror and construct her own reflection. ten thousand years of this can infest her, spiderweb cracks scattering across her face.]
You have had so... so long to explain anything to me. Just once. Just once, John. [she holds up her pointer finger, and she weeps the words.] And even in death you won't tell me the truth. You tell me that this is your fault, but you created me with this... this eternal love inside me, fighting against everything else I've ever felt. Fueling me like a—like a reactor. And you expect me to believe that this was Your divine vision. This is what you wanted me to be. And this entire time, I have only ever wanted one thing from You.
[she grabs her God's wrists tightly and pulls herself up to him, and she tries to kiss john gaius.]
no subject
[she spits it out. she can't handle this. she looks into his eyes that she's always thought seemed so appropriate to how hollow and empty he is within, and she cannot control her own emotions. like she's ever been able to. apollonia sees the Lord her God before her and she is overcome with a flood that has already begun leaking out of her but it makes her want to writhe and seethe and die to hear that He dares to blame Himself.]
Do you expect me to be happy with that answer? Do you think I'll... I'll roll over and go away if you keep denying me this? It hasn't worked for a myriad, and it isn't going to work now. [she rears her arm back like she's going to punch him, but she freezes in place like she can't even do that properly. there's tension throughout her entire body that, once, mercymorn might even have offered to ease. but joy is gone from her life, and it is gone from His, and she stares at His Holy Fucking Eyes and recognizes an emptiness roiling within her.]
[it is too terrible to bear. to come to the mountain and see the face of her God in the end of all things. to gaze upon Him like a mirror and construct her own reflection. ten thousand years of this can infest her, spiderweb cracks scattering across her face.]
You have had so... so long to explain anything to me. Just once. Just once, John. [she holds up her pointer finger, and she weeps the words.] And even in death you won't tell me the truth. You tell me that this is your fault, but you created me with this... this eternal love inside me, fighting against everything else I've ever felt. Fueling me like a—like a reactor. And you expect me to believe that this was Your divine vision. This is what you wanted me to be. And this entire time, I have only ever wanted one thing from You.
[she grabs her God's wrists tightly and pulls herself up to him, and she tries to kiss john gaius.]