deercountry | (closed) march catchall

[He takes a few deep breaths and then sits in the chair, looking down at the bed, at Daniel's hands. He swallows hard and reaches out to take one of his hands, holding onto it tightly.]

You can't do things like this, Sensei. You're too important to too many people.

[He knows he is too, but... well. He's gone through a lot. He's not sure that Daniel has.]

[ He easily allows Jun to take that hand. There's no resistance on Daniel's part - and it's got nothing to do with him still lacking some energy. He's more just completely okay with it, especially since Daniel himself is touchy enough that he's glad Jun is moving the arm for him, so he can try and help reassure the boy a little.

Even if it's just by lightly squeezing that hand that's holding his own. ]

I'm sorry to have worried you so much.

[ A little more elaborate than his brief 'sorry' from a moment ago, but since Jun is now comfortably sitting, Daniel can focus on talking instead. He seems to really mean the apology too as he says it - something soft and apologetic in his eyes as he looks over at the boy. ]

I was going to try and block it with my powers, but they just.. suddenly didn't work. [ It sounds like an excuse, Daniel thinks, but it really had been his intention back there.

Leave it up to this place to make his powers suddenly function strangely the moment he needs them more than ever. ]

And Robby was right in the path of that debris. I couldn't let him take the hit instead. [ The very idea of that feels abhorrent, especially to a guy like Daniel. ] .. I would've done the same if it was you, or any of the others. You're all my responsibility, you know..?

[Jun himself doesn't have much in the way of usable powers anyway - he can't use his consciously. He mulls over what sensei is saying before sighing.]

You don't need to do - that sort of thing with me. I knew what I was getting into. ... Sort of. I'm not... your responsibility. Just because you're my sensei doesn't mean that you have to... that you -

[He sniffs despite himself and bites his lip. His voice is low when he speaks.]

I'm... familiar with death. I've seen it many times. Caused it many times. I've had people sacrifice themselves for my sake, and not just by getting in the way of things. It doesn't scare me the way it should scare you still. You're not... you haven't broken yet. I have. I don't want you to have to break.

So please promise me that you won't - that you'll at least try not to do something like this again? You're... you're too kind to break.

[Like she was. Carrying his abuse with a smile.]

[ There's so much he could say here.

Thankfully some of the stuff Jun touches upon are things he's heard from the other before, or it sure would be a lot to try and process in his current state. But he knows the other has faced death before. He knows that Jun has spoken before about his guilt, about having caused a lot of people to die.

It makes his words in this moment make sense. But even as Daniel listens to them, quietly takes them in, his hand still in Jun's..

.. well, there's only one thing he can think of asking. ]

You think me getting hurt or dying would break me more than seeing the same thing happen to you..? [ Not that Daniel wants to die. Far from it. He'd like to avoid it, since it is scary, but..

Death has never been as scary to him as the thought of seeing someone else dying in his place. (Maybe he too is broken, but he hates Jun refering to himself that way, so Daniel mentally refuses to refer to himself that way as well.) ]

Because I know what would hurt me more, Jun. You keep saying I'm important, but.. I think you're important too.

I - you have a life outside of Trench. I don't.

[Sure, he'd be upset if sensei left, but he has somewhere to go to.]

I know it's... a lot... to think of one of your students dying. But you're so much to so many people. Maybe... maybe people would be upset if I died, but... you're a good person. I'm only trying to be.

[Sometimes he feels like he's fooled people into thinking he's a good person. He still feels like he's terrible, and he can't shake that feeling.]

I'm not trying to make this a competition or something. I know it sounds like I am. I just... you have a lot ahead of you. Trench is the last stop for me. It... it's not like I...

[He lets go of Daniel's hand so he can wipe at his face. He's breathing hard, and he tries to get it under control. In and out. In... and out... he clenches his fists against his knees as he tries to verbalize what he's feeling.]

... I know that watching people get hurt hurts you. But people are relying on you. You can't let yourself break until the end. You can't let yourself get caught up in revenge or fear. You have to do what you have to do. Even if it's scary.

I understand why you did it. I just... don't want you to have to do that again. I'm... I'm trying to work on my own powers. So I... if something like that happens again I can... maybe help. More than just trying to get through to Mob...

[It didn't work, but he had to try.]

[ Daniel refuses to even think of Jun dying. He'd do anything to stop that.

But he knows voicing that out loud right now sure wouldn't make the boy feel any better, so he opts out of that idea. Especially when Jun already seems so upset. The last thing Daniel wants to do is make that worse, especially when there's so little he can do while he's stuck in bed like this.

So he slowly inhales, feeling like someone is shoving a needle directly into his heart at witnessing Jun looking like this. Sounding like this. ]

Well.. [ But despite the pain, Daniel tries to make his tone sound a touch lighter. A faint smile on his lips. Hoping it's reassuring, if not just a bit. ] I'm not planning on dying, you know..?

[ Even if it's what this discussion was about. It's still true. Daniel doesn't want to die. He managed to pull through this time too, after all. He just-- wants to keep his kids safe.

That's all. ]

So that means we just have to do our best together to make sure it doesn't happen to either of us, right? [ He tries to hook into the last thing Jun says there. To turn it into something positive.

Something a little more hopeful. ]

That's what Miyagi-do is all about. We look out for each other. It's not even just about you and me-- if we all work together, we can all keep each other safe next time. [ Hell, he already heard some of the kids worked together to stop this entire Mob situation in the first place, even if Daniel was unconscious and didn't witness it himself. It's one of those things that does manage to warm his heart, even in the awfulness of this situation. ]

... I want to help people. I want to help Mob. He feels terrible for all of this... I'm just worried he's going to make a bad decision while he's in this state. I just... want him to be okay.

[He rubs his eyes with the base of his palms and looks up, taking a deep breath.]

You and I... we both want people to be safe, even without much of an ability to do so. But we can plant ourselves in front of the storm to try to calm it down. Even if the gesture doesn't work, it... means something.

[To them. To Mob. To everyone. When he looks up it's clear that he's not been sleeping well - he's just been doing his best to hide it. His shoulders are still slumped and there's dark circles under his eyes.]

It has to mean something.

.. Jun.

[ He says the name softly, mostly meant to draw the other's attention. It's easy to get pulled way into your own head and thoughts when thinking about heavy stuff like this, after all.

Daniel knows from personal experience. ]

I'm pretty sure someone would scold me if I even attempted to sit up right now. [ He's not even talking about some mysterious third part, judging by that very, very thin smile on Daniel's lips as he looks at the boy. No - he's definitely talking about Jun himself. ] So.. could you lean forward a little, so I can hug you anyway?

[ Because Jun looks like he could use a hug. He looks so tired - and what kid wouldn't be, if they were stuck thinking about all this? Jun always tries so hard to be mature, and sometimes he has to be allowed to just be a kid. A kid who knows he can seek comfort with his sensei when he might need it. ]

I... okay.

[He leans forwards, letting Daniel hug him - though hopefully not too tightly. His family was never the hugging type. Maybe before his adopted mother died, but... definitely not after.]

I'm just tired of all of this, sensei. I want the people I care about to be safe.

[And yes, that includes Daniel now.]

... And I also want that stupid video off of the omni, but I know that's not something that's happening...

[ Thankfully it's not like Daniel could hug tightly right now even if he tried. Honestly, he's still putting some strain on his back by even attempting to do this, even with Jun moving towards him rather than the other way around, but.. Daniel wants to do this. Jun looks like he needs a bit of comfort, like he needs someone to be there for him right now.

And who could blame him, in the aftermath of all this?

So Daniel wraps his arms around the boy, a loose hold, but something gentle and fond in it all the same. One of his hands rubs small comforting circles into Jun's back. ]

I know. [ In response to him being tired of all of it, that is. ] It's okay..

[ Daniel gets it.

But rather than being able to say something about it, he instead finds himself a little too puzzled - perhaps since he's still so weak - by what he hears after. He slowly lets go of Jun again. ]

.. What video are you talking about though..?

[He pulls away as soon as Daniel lets go. He's not really very good with hugs, but he can at least try. He sighs and sits back down, looking at his hands again.]

Though I did ask for it to be filmed for a reason... mm.

A... anyway. The omnis have media from our home worlds, right? ... I did some digging. It has the video of my battle.

I... would advise against watching it. It'll just hurt you.

[ Give the man another moment to process this. It's not like his mind has fully recovered yet either, though he does seem to have at least somewhat of an idea of the situation after a moment - especially given some of the stuff Jun has told him about his world before.

And if there's anything here to focus on first, it's something relatively easy for his mind to figure out, even despite everything. ]

Jun, I'm not just going to watch something you don't want people to see.

[ There's nothing stern about the way he says it. Instead it's just soft, Daniel even smiling a touch, like he's hoping it's reassuring.

He means this, after all. Daniel isn't the nosy type. ]

More importantly.. why did you go looking for it? I can't imagine it's something you'd like to be reminded of. [ That's something Daniel would've known even without what Jun just mentioned, given everything the other has said in the past. ]

... I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to know if it was there. I just... it was filmed at my request. So people would know what we were fighting. What we were fighting for. What it cost.

Do you... I've seen a lot of people die. Watching the light go out of their eyes is scary, but...

Watching it happen to me, I was just... numb. I just...

[He closes his eyes for a few moments before looking up at Daniel.]

Sensei... I don't even know if I'm really alive here. I know we've got squid bodies, but... am I me?

... Sorry, you should... focus on healing. I shouldn't have brought it up.

Edited 2023-03-31 23:05 (UTC)

[ Daniel shakes his head almost instantly. ]

No-- No, it's fine.

[ Sure, it's a lot to think about while his body still feels like it hurts all over, like there's a sword stuck in his spine or something, but there's no way Daniel is just going to tell the boy to stop. He'd bleed himself dry for any of his students if that's what it took to keep them safe, and he's not going to make Jun keep all these difficult feelings to himself just because Daniel is in a bit of pain.

.. or a lot of pain. Same thing. ]

This is important to talk about. I'm glad you're talking about it. [ Daniel smiles at Jun, though there's something sad in it too.

The implications in all of what the other is saying break Daniel's heart, after all. Especially when it comes to a kid he cares for. ]

Of course I don't know more than you. There's a lot we don't know about this place. But.. you know, as far as I can see? You are you. You're Jun. You're alive, and breathing, and.. living your life.

[ As he should. As he deserves. ]

Besides, you're the only Jun I know. [ Compared to some imaginary Jun out there, the 'real' one from Jun's world, if such a thing exists at all. ] And I rather like this one.

... It's hard. I know I shouldn't have to deal with these kinds of questions at my age. And... I... um.

I'm... scared, sensei. I'm scared that I'm not... good enough. That I'm a mistake somehow - I mean, I was abandoned at birth by my mother, I don't even know who my father was so I might well be one. I... I try to learn how to help because I'm scared of losing the people I care about... I can't - I can't lose people again.

[He leans his arms on the bed, resting his head in his hands. His eyes brim with tears, and his voice is thick with emotion.]

That's why I wanted to learn karate - to protect people. Because I can't control this place. I can't control anything here. Anything besides myself, and even that's debatable sometimes. I don't... you saw how much of a mess I was when Falco was gone. I...

[His voice grows hoarse, barely above a whisper.]

... I just want to be happy. But I don't know how...

[ See, promising that Jun won't lose anyone ever, or at least anytime soon.. that would be a whole hell of a lot easier to do if Daniel wasn't acutely aware that anyone can disappear right back into the ocean at any given time. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. In some cases Daniel even straight up refuses to believe it was their own free will.

So it wipes the easy option off the table here, unfortunately. ]

.. you are good enough. [ Daniel instead settles on, his voice soft and warm, even if it's still a little weak due to his current condition. ] I know it might be hard to believe about yourself.

[ Especially considering.. you know, everything about Jun's past. ]

But I believe you're good enough. You did your best, right..? You haven't lost anyone from the dojo in all of this. Shigeo turned back to normal, the other kids all pulled through.. and I'm still here too. [ Thankfully. Daniel is well aware just how close he got to dying back there.

But rather than talking about that part out loud, he just slowly extends an arm - careful to not strain his back - until his hand is able to reach Jun's head now it's in closer range, giving a careful hair ruffle. ]

As long as I have any say in it, I won't leave you. And I'm pretty sure all your friends feel that way.

I did what I could. I tried to wake him up. I even... I can throw things too, even if I can't control it. If I'd gotten to you faster maybe... you wouldn't have been hurt.

[And maybe he wouldn't hurt so much as well, this pain in his chest at seeing his sensei like this.]

I - if I can't be happy I at least want the people around me to be happy and safe. You deserve better. You're always so kind and caring even to people who don't deserve it. I just want - I just want you to be okay.

[He sniffles a little bit, ignoring how badly speckled with tears his glasses are egetting.]

When I saw you there... I was so scared. And it's not your fault, I just... I couldn't let him hurt any more people. But I'm not... I don't have big superpowers like some of the other students. I just... I want to be good enough to help people.

[He flinches slightly at the hairruffle, the bruises on the back of his head still slightly tender. But he doesn't say anything about it and does his best not to draw attention to it.]

... I couldn't even protect you when you were a teenager.

[He got beat up for his trouble, but he'd do it in a heartbeat if Johnny ever turns into a teen again.]

[ It's tempting to say that he doesn't want Jun to protect him. It's not a kid's duty to try and protect an adult, after all, and he'd never want the boy to hurt himself for his sake, or to blame himself like this for anything happening to Daniel.

.. on the other hand, he likes to think he knows Jun well enough by now that the other is too stubborn about it. Nothing Daniel could say here would change his mind. And-- besides, it's not like he doesn't understand it, deep down. Back when he was younger, he would have done anything to try and keep mister Miyagi safe too.

(Even if mister Miyagi never needed that protection in the first place. Maybe Daniel ending up like this is just his own failure for not being able to be as good or strong as mister Miyagi.) ]

You're helping me now.

[ Daniel says this instead, calmly. ]

I know it doesn't look like it. Sure, I'm stuck in bed, and sure, my back still hurts, but.. the doctor said all of it is going to heal if I just rest. So sooner or later.. I'll be fine.

[ He smiles a little, as if to prove he's relatively okay even now, and slowly pulls his hand back from Jun's head. ]

But what helps me more than anything in the meantime is just having some company here. I'm really glad you came to see me. Sometimes helping isn't just about physically protecting someone, but.. it can also just mean being there for someone. Like you're doing for me right now.

... I don't know what to do. It's... at least you're awake and talking and... it's not like the last time someone I cared about got hurt and stuck in a bed.

[That one... didn't end well. For anyone.]

I... just... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to 'be there' for someone.

Ah, guess that means I get to teach you something even while I'm in bed, huh..?

[ Daniel smiles, like he means it as a faint joke - though not to make fun of Jun.

After all, he understands. It's something that even Daniel finds difficult at times, and he remembers it feeling even more difficult when he was young. When he was the one sitting by someone's bedside - except he knew it wasn't going to get better. It wasn't going to end well. ]

Being there for someone.. It's so deceptively easy, that you might not even notice you're doing it until you already are. It just means-- physically being there, sometimes. Listening to someone when they want to talk, or talking to someone when they want to listen. [ His voice is still a little weak, but Daniel speaks calmly, with something in his tone that indicates he knows what he's talking about here.

Or that, at the very least, he believes in it. ]

Sometimes it just means holding someone's hand, or asking them what you can do for them.

[He goes quiet and listens. Just... literally be there? It sounds too simple. It feels like there's a catch.]

[When was the last time someone was 'there for him' when he was in his world? He can't even think of one aside from maybe... Machi? He looks down at his hands and takes another breath, trying to brush those thoughts from his mind.]

I just want you to be okay. ... And to be someone you can rely on. I know I'm not an adult, but -

[He knows it's different. He's still 'a kid' to someone like Daniel, but... even he can be there, be reliable.]

I... I guess I've just been thinking more about myself. How... how I felt. I'm... I'm sorry, sensei.

[He hesitates and bows his head a little. He doesn't do this often, so Daniel better appreciate it!]

Edited 2023-04-09 20:46 (UTC)

[ Usually he'd say that Jun doesn't need to apologize to him. He didn't do anything wrong in Daniel's eyes, after all. But Daniel himself is also aware that Jun usually isn't like this. He can be distrustful of people, and he doesn't easily open up.

So the last thing he wants the boy to feel is like the words he's saying here are unnecessary. So even though it doesn't exactly feel right to have a student apologize to him like that, Daniel doesn't say anything in protest. He just slowly nods, and then continues to smile at Jun. ]

.. do you want to hear a secret, Jun?

[ Daniel instead settles on saying, staring at the boy. ]

... What is it?

[He suspects it's not much of a 'secret', given Daniel. The man seems to be a pretty open book to Jun.]

[ It probably isn't a secret. Jun most likely figured out what Daniel is about to say already. But Daniel still can't help but put it this way - it's the sappy dad in him. ]

I'm already relying on you. On all of you guys.

[ Maybe not that directly, since Daniel is the adult and the sensei here, and he would never forgive himself if he wasn't foremost someone his students could rely on, rather than the other way around. He has a responsibility to live up to.

But less directly-- ]

Having all of you here, and getting to look after you.. It's the reason I can get by in a place like this. It motivates me to keep going, and to always get better. It gives me strength. [ He smiles at Jun. ] For example.. I know I have to get better soon so I can look after you all again. You see?

[He sighs and nudges Daniel gently. He knows. Stop being a pain.]

Yeah, yeah. We can look after ourselves for a while until you recover. You'll be fine and then you can mother hen at us again.

(closed) march catchall

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cw: child death

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