deercountry | (closed) march catchall

... I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to know if it was there. I just... it was filmed at my request. So people would know what we were fighting. What we were fighting for. What it cost.

Do you... I've seen a lot of people die. Watching the light go out of their eyes is scary, but...

Watching it happen to me, I was just... numb. I just...

[He closes his eyes for a few moments before looking up at Daniel.]

Sensei... I don't even know if I'm really alive here. I know we've got squid bodies, but... am I me?

... Sorry, you should... focus on healing. I shouldn't have brought it up.

Edited 2023-03-31 23:05 (UTC)

[ Daniel shakes his head almost instantly. ]

No-- No, it's fine.

[ Sure, it's a lot to think about while his body still feels like it hurts all over, like there's a sword stuck in his spine or something, but there's no way Daniel is just going to tell the boy to stop. He'd bleed himself dry for any of his students if that's what it took to keep them safe, and he's not going to make Jun keep all these difficult feelings to himself just because Daniel is in a bit of pain.

.. or a lot of pain. Same thing. ]

This is important to talk about. I'm glad you're talking about it. [ Daniel smiles at Jun, though there's something sad in it too.

The implications in all of what the other is saying break Daniel's heart, after all. Especially when it comes to a kid he cares for. ]

Of course I don't know more than you. There's a lot we don't know about this place. But.. you know, as far as I can see? You are you. You're Jun. You're alive, and breathing, and.. living your life.

[ As he should. As he deserves. ]

Besides, you're the only Jun I know. [ Compared to some imaginary Jun out there, the 'real' one from Jun's world, if such a thing exists at all. ] And I rather like this one.

... It's hard. I know I shouldn't have to deal with these kinds of questions at my age. And... I... um.

I'm... scared, sensei. I'm scared that I'm not... good enough. That I'm a mistake somehow - I mean, I was abandoned at birth by my mother, I don't even know who my father was so I might well be one. I... I try to learn how to help because I'm scared of losing the people I care about... I can't - I can't lose people again.

[He leans his arms on the bed, resting his head in his hands. His eyes brim with tears, and his voice is thick with emotion.]

That's why I wanted to learn karate - to protect people. Because I can't control this place. I can't control anything here. Anything besides myself, and even that's debatable sometimes. I don't... you saw how much of a mess I was when Falco was gone. I...

[His voice grows hoarse, barely above a whisper.]

... I just want to be happy. But I don't know how...

[ See, promising that Jun won't lose anyone ever, or at least anytime soon.. that would be a whole hell of a lot easier to do if Daniel wasn't acutely aware that anyone can disappear right back into the ocean at any given time. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. In some cases Daniel even straight up refuses to believe it was their own free will.

So it wipes the easy option off the table here, unfortunately. ]

.. you are good enough. [ Daniel instead settles on, his voice soft and warm, even if it's still a little weak due to his current condition. ] I know it might be hard to believe about yourself.

[ Especially considering.. you know, everything about Jun's past. ]

But I believe you're good enough. You did your best, right..? You haven't lost anyone from the dojo in all of this. Shigeo turned back to normal, the other kids all pulled through.. and I'm still here too. [ Thankfully. Daniel is well aware just how close he got to dying back there.

But rather than talking about that part out loud, he just slowly extends an arm - careful to not strain his back - until his hand is able to reach Jun's head now it's in closer range, giving a careful hair ruffle. ]

As long as I have any say in it, I won't leave you. And I'm pretty sure all your friends feel that way.

I did what I could. I tried to wake him up. I even... I can throw things too, even if I can't control it. If I'd gotten to you faster maybe... you wouldn't have been hurt.

[And maybe he wouldn't hurt so much as well, this pain in his chest at seeing his sensei like this.]

I - if I can't be happy I at least want the people around me to be happy and safe. You deserve better. You're always so kind and caring even to people who don't deserve it. I just want - I just want you to be okay.

[He sniffles a little bit, ignoring how badly speckled with tears his glasses are egetting.]

When I saw you there... I was so scared. And it's not your fault, I just... I couldn't let him hurt any more people. But I'm not... I don't have big superpowers like some of the other students. I just... I want to be good enough to help people.

[He flinches slightly at the hairruffle, the bruises on the back of his head still slightly tender. But he doesn't say anything about it and does his best not to draw attention to it.]

... I couldn't even protect you when you were a teenager.

[He got beat up for his trouble, but he'd do it in a heartbeat if Johnny ever turns into a teen again.]

[ It's tempting to say that he doesn't want Jun to protect him. It's not a kid's duty to try and protect an adult, after all, and he'd never want the boy to hurt himself for his sake, or to blame himself like this for anything happening to Daniel.

.. on the other hand, he likes to think he knows Jun well enough by now that the other is too stubborn about it. Nothing Daniel could say here would change his mind. And-- besides, it's not like he doesn't understand it, deep down. Back when he was younger, he would have done anything to try and keep mister Miyagi safe too.

(Even if mister Miyagi never needed that protection in the first place. Maybe Daniel ending up like this is just his own failure for not being able to be as good or strong as mister Miyagi.) ]

You're helping me now.

[ Daniel says this instead, calmly. ]

I know it doesn't look like it. Sure, I'm stuck in bed, and sure, my back still hurts, but.. the doctor said all of it is going to heal if I just rest. So sooner or later.. I'll be fine.

[ He smiles a little, as if to prove he's relatively okay even now, and slowly pulls his hand back from Jun's head. ]

But what helps me more than anything in the meantime is just having some company here. I'm really glad you came to see me. Sometimes helping isn't just about physically protecting someone, but.. it can also just mean being there for someone. Like you're doing for me right now.

... I don't know what to do. It's... at least you're awake and talking and... it's not like the last time someone I cared about got hurt and stuck in a bed.

[That one... didn't end well. For anyone.]

I... just... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to 'be there' for someone.

Ah, guess that means I get to teach you something even while I'm in bed, huh..?

[ Daniel smiles, like he means it as a faint joke - though not to make fun of Jun.

After all, he understands. It's something that even Daniel finds difficult at times, and he remembers it feeling even more difficult when he was young. When he was the one sitting by someone's bedside - except he knew it wasn't going to get better. It wasn't going to end well. ]

Being there for someone.. It's so deceptively easy, that you might not even notice you're doing it until you already are. It just means-- physically being there, sometimes. Listening to someone when they want to talk, or talking to someone when they want to listen. [ His voice is still a little weak, but Daniel speaks calmly, with something in his tone that indicates he knows what he's talking about here.

Or that, at the very least, he believes in it. ]

Sometimes it just means holding someone's hand, or asking them what you can do for them.

[He goes quiet and listens. Just... literally be there? It sounds too simple. It feels like there's a catch.]

[When was the last time someone was 'there for him' when he was in his world? He can't even think of one aside from maybe... Machi? He looks down at his hands and takes another breath, trying to brush those thoughts from his mind.]

I just want you to be okay. ... And to be someone you can rely on. I know I'm not an adult, but -

[He knows it's different. He's still 'a kid' to someone like Daniel, but... even he can be there, be reliable.]

I... I guess I've just been thinking more about myself. How... how I felt. I'm... I'm sorry, sensei.

[He hesitates and bows his head a little. He doesn't do this often, so Daniel better appreciate it!]

Edited 2023-04-09 20:46 (UTC)

[ Usually he'd say that Jun doesn't need to apologize to him. He didn't do anything wrong in Daniel's eyes, after all. But Daniel himself is also aware that Jun usually isn't like this. He can be distrustful of people, and he doesn't easily open up.

So the last thing he wants the boy to feel is like the words he's saying here are unnecessary. So even though it doesn't exactly feel right to have a student apologize to him like that, Daniel doesn't say anything in protest. He just slowly nods, and then continues to smile at Jun. ]

.. do you want to hear a secret, Jun?

[ Daniel instead settles on saying, staring at the boy. ]

... What is it?

[He suspects it's not much of a 'secret', given Daniel. The man seems to be a pretty open book to Jun.]

[ It probably isn't a secret. Jun most likely figured out what Daniel is about to say already. But Daniel still can't help but put it this way - it's the sappy dad in him. ]

I'm already relying on you. On all of you guys.

[ Maybe not that directly, since Daniel is the adult and the sensei here, and he would never forgive himself if he wasn't foremost someone his students could rely on, rather than the other way around. He has a responsibility to live up to.

But less directly-- ]

Having all of you here, and getting to look after you.. It's the reason I can get by in a place like this. It motivates me to keep going, and to always get better. It gives me strength. [ He smiles at Jun. ] For example.. I know I have to get better soon so I can look after you all again. You see?

[He sighs and nudges Daniel gently. He knows. Stop being a pain.]

Yeah, yeah. We can look after ourselves for a while until you recover. You'll be fine and then you can mother hen at us again.

[ Okay, that nudge is definitely drawing a laugh out of Daniel. Nothing too loud, since he'd probably just hurt himself if he tried laughing too hard while his body still hurts quite a bit, but it's genuine despite not being too intense. ]

Sorry, Jun. I didn't know I was being that much of a bother to you.

[ Don't worry, his tone makes it obvious that he's joking..

He knows Jun is just a little tsundere when it comes to affection like this. You get used to it. ]

I'll hopefully be okay enough to be a full on bother again in a while. I'm hoping no more than a few weeks at worst.

Sensei...

[He draws it out, rolling his eyes.]

You better be. ... I think a lot of people miss you.

[N-not him! He's fine! Why would you think that?!]

... I'm just glad you're going to be okay.

Me too.

[ He means that. Even though he didn't hesitate for a moment to protect Robby, even at the cost of his own body or life, it's not like Daniel wanted to die. And when he woke up and only felt pain, unable to move his body - well, that hadn't exactly been a pleasant experience either.

Just the thought that he's going to be okay in the end makes this experience much more bearable. ]

And until then you can come stop by to visit whenever you want. [ A tiny pause, and then he adds: ] If you want to.

[ Though.. can you admit to wanting to keep your poor sensei company, Jun? Out loud? Can you? ]

... Of course I'm going to visit you. I know I was bored out of my mind when I was too dizzy to read books but not tired enough to sleep.

[He sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes.]

So I guess you're going to need someone to break the boredom with.

[ So dramatic, Jun. Even if it's the kind of dramatics Daniel is slowly growing used to. ]

Thanks.

[ It's why he can see right through them to just simply say this - but with genuine gratitude in his voice. He did mean it when he said that he's able to get through this because of his students. ]

I suppose I'll see you more often then, Jun. I'll look forward to it. [ You think sensei is going to drop the cheese? Ever? No way. No matter how much Jun tries to hide everything in turn. ]

(closed) march catchall

cw: child death

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