deercountry | And even though she's dreaming

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And even though she's dreaming

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki
What: In seeking to understand himself better, Allen's still-persisting doubts and fears about the nature of his power manifest in nightmares that, for Palebloods who can walk in dreams with others... isn't guaranteed to stay a problem you can keep to yourself forever.
When: End of April
Where: the nightmare fuel place inside Allen's head 🙃

Content Warnings: The general existential and some minor body horror that surrounds Allen, being hunted, discussion of child soldiers, child abuse, religious zealotry, parasitic entities, etc.

[ Upon waking, it feels just like that -- waking. Even if it would be more accurate to say it's actually like falling asleep deeper, straight down through the depths of consciousness until you come out the other side. Where you know your mind is awake and alert, your thoughts conscious, but the world around you...

...it isn't quite right.

When Shouto feels his consciousness drift and steps from one dream to the next, one of the first things he might notice is how the pale bloodstone band on his ear thrums with a heavy resonance in a way it never has before. Reactive and -- perhaps seeking? Like the world around him has made it come alive, or it makes the world alive. It quickly calms to a whisper, and then the world comes into focus.

It's dark. A forest at night. Nondescript; it seems like it could be anywhere, perhaps even the Trenchwood. Quiet, which wouldn't seem ominous until you suddenly realize there should still be some sort of sound of life, of at least the wind in the leaves, yet there is nothing. And then-- a flash of white streaking past him like a rabbit being pursued. No warning, no sound of the brush being broken and pushed through. ]

Shouto--?! [ It's a bit of a startled squawk, head snapping around as Allen leaps past him before realizing that someone's there, and who it is. With eyes that are entirely lucid and clear, and not caught in any kind of hazy dream unreality. He comes to a quick skidded stop on his heel, the picture as he ever is in Trench, save for one detail.

The left arm, dragging behind him not as an arm but as a mutated sort of wing. Glowing white and shedding feathers as his invocation does, but not in any form it's ever taken. Not the polished and delicately wrought form Crown Clown is supposed to take, but something that seems frantic and unlike himself. Entirely mutant and otherworldly, feathers squirming where there was probably once fingers, without reflecting any of Allen himself.

But aside from bracing it with his good hand it doesn't seem to be bothering him, and he's just staring at Shouto like of all things, somehow his being here is the strangest?

Yet the air seems to be slowly pressing down further on the both of them. Oppressive; unnatural. Like the night itself is what's actually dangerous. ]

Why are you here...?

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[ Thank goodness--

Almost melting from the crushing relief that he's there and alive, Allen presses into the embrace and tries to return it in kind, not understanding for a moment why he can only feel him with a single arm. He barely gives it a passing thought though, focused instead on the dampness pressed against his own face. You're crying--

Then... that means... you really were there. ]

Shouto-- [ He gasps softly, voice a little raspy from the phantom sensation of having his throat crushed even if no damage remains, and the tears flow freely down Allen's face too. ]

Shouto, I'm sorry. [ His voice twists with a note of anguish, squeezing him tighter for a moment. For so much. But why aren't you saying anything?

Allen pulls back just enough so he can look at him, touch their noses together, and bring his hands up to touch his face with a fretful, loving concern. Trying to wipe the tears away, but... he only has the one hand. The gesture feels lopsided. ]

Are you alright?

[ I thought you were gone.

He sobs into his shoulder, holding onto him with all of his strength, so terribly frightened of that crushing sound that felt too much like the day he lost him almost a year ago.

I thought you died!

He trembles, gasping for air between sobs, as his heart keeps up with the elements clashing inside. He holds him tightly, tries to wrap his arms around him only something is off. Only then, does he realize what had felt so odd when he first threw himself at Allen. He gasps, a sharp and half-choked sound.

Allen!

Shock crosses his features as he tries and fails to say his name. He grabs at his shoulder instead, where his entire arm is missing. Am agitated look quickly replaces the shock. A horse sound that sounds more like wheezing comes out, as he taps frantically at his shoulder where his arm is missing.

What happened to your arm?!

Tap, tap, tap! ]

Edited 2023-05-07 23:59 (UTC)

[ He thought you died. Saw you die, and it's worse than any other nightmare he can recall. The intensity of Shouto's grief has Allen shaking like a leaf as he reigns his own wildly swinging emotions in to try and soothe him, fingers carding through his hair and trying to nuzzle at the side of his face. It's alright, he's here. We're both here.

But why aren't you saying anything yet?

Anxiety rising as a familiar dread starts to settle in the pit of his stomach again, he stares between Shouto and where he's tapping at his left shoulder. Where the sleeve hangs empty beneath the bicep and his stomach churns. Horror dawning even if -- he knew, the moment he woke, the moment he went to hug Shouto... he knew at the periphery of his mind, but his mouth still goes dry as cotton. Heart rate picks up, hammering wildly. An internal scream of panic that becomes white noise as his eyes constrict to pinpoints--

No. He can't dwell on that right now. Not when you're like this.

Allen shakes his head quickly in the negative, almost violently as he scatters his own thoughts, shuddering, and reaches towards Shouto's neck. Stopping short of touching him though, hesitant, afraid he'll hurt him when he doesn't know what's wrong. ]

Why can't you talk? [ Gingerly, he touches his throat then. Very gently, trying to inspect him to see if he was hurt. His fingers are a little shaky. ]

Does your throat hurt?

Edited 2023-05-08 00:28 (UTC)

[ He tries to hold back his agitation, waiting for Allen to respond. To tell him that he used Crown Clown to fight the creature and got them to safety, but the look of horror dawning on his face tells a different story.

Allen! What happened to your arm?!

Valiantly, he tries to push out the words, and a mangled sound comes out. When Allen inspects his throat, he'll find bruising where the creature had broken his windpipe, nothing more. His throat is miraculously healed just like ALlen, which does little to explain his inability to speak. Frustrated with himself, he taps at Allen's shoulder, insistent.

Where's your arm?! That's more important!

Then a thought strikes him, and he sucks in a breath, pulling away from Allen suddenly to search the room for shadows.

Is it here?!

His breath is the only sound that comes out as he looks at Allen, panicked and pointing frantically at the room. It doesn't take long for Shouto to become frustrated with his inability to articulate his thoughts. Thankfully, he spots a pile of jam labels he bought in preparation for the jam-making session he was planning for Mid-May.

Grabbing one of the labels, he quickly writes down a message and turns it around to show Allen. Neatly written in Romanji is the question:

Where is the shadow creature?]

Edited 2023-05-08 01:09 (UTC)

[ Stop ignoring him and answer the question at least with a yes or no shake of the head!!! Not that Allen's really... doing much better...

Seeing the bruises though-- what little color he has drains from Allen's face. But he never saw Shouto get hit there? He was the one who Apocryphos had grabbed by the throat. So why do you bear his wounds...

Mouth too dry to say anything, he can only stare for a moment at those dark marks before Shouto moves to get the piece of paper. Frozen, and looking a little numb as he presents him with the note, which to him seems to be in almost artful, perfectly printed English. He's slow to respond, but finally shakes his head after a moment. ]

There isn't any shadow creature... [ There never was, though... Allen sounds distracted, and he looks around the room uneasily too, the empty feeling where his arm should be making his heart continue to race. Were they really escaped from the nightmare...?

There isn't anything else there though, of course. Just their house, nothing ominous. The teacups from earlier that night still on the table nearby. Cozy and inviting, what would have made it so easy to pass the whole experience off as a deeply unsettling nightmare if not for the lingering proof on their bodies.

If they were actually even awake? ]

It shouldn't be able to-- [ He starts, digging his fingers for a moment into the empty fabric of his sleeve. Breath catching as he's breathing a little too fast. ]

I don't understand...

[ The name doesn't matter. They both know who he's talking about. Shouto quickly jots down another question, turning it around almost instantly.

Where is your arm?

He taps at the word 'arm' several times to get his point across. ]

[ He's looking at it, "arm," as Shouto taps repeatedly at it. With a rising kind of paralyzing terror he's trying so hard to keep reigned in but is getting the best of him the more he stares at that word. His arm--

Without a word, he reaches with his human hand and rips the shirt from his shoulder. Buttons popping at the force, it reveals his left shoulder now devoid of the red tattoo-like markings that once were there. And his arm, seemingly amputated at the bicep but not cleanly or in a way that seems normal for flesh or human biology. It seems socketed, the skin hardened and almost stonelike at the edges, and waiting for his rest of his arm to be attached.

Allen breathes out, his arm shaking. Borderline on hyperventilating. ]

Gone.

[ It matters, more than his inability to speak, than the pain of believing he had died, if only for a few moments while he kept consciousness before the dark swallowed him. It matters because it’s his quirk. The source of his power. He knows what it feels like to lose his quirk in a nightmare. This nightmare, Allen’s nightmare was playing out the same and just like Shouto had relied on Allen, he needed to know if this time, Allen needed to rely on him. That’s why he was insistent. Why he needed to verify that he wasn’t reading the situation wrong and it was something simple he didn’t understand. That, too, happened a lot when it came to Allen and his powers. Usually it didn’t bother him, but this was different. He’d died. Thought, he’d died and this time he wasn’t going to let it go. To wait for him to tell him at his own pace. This time, he needed that information to keep him safe, and he wasn’t the type to sit idly by. He was taught better. Knew it was dangerous to go into a situation without knowing key facts.

It may have helped if he had a better bedside manner. Maybe eased Allen into the question, but that wasn’t who he was. Direct and to the point was how he operated. Usually, his willingness to accept vague answers kept them from clashing up until now, but this time, Shouto wasn’t willing to bend. This time it didn’t affect just him.

The sound of fabric ripping is an answer in itself. The borderline devastated look on Allen’s face, confirms his suspicions. He didn’t know anymore than shim. His quirk was gone, stolen. And they were trapped in a nightmare of his own creation.

Shouto is off the bed in less than a second, wrapping his arms around him, and squeezing him tight to convey the words he can’t force out.

We’ll get it back.

He silently promises, kissing the side of his head fervently and rubs his back in a soothing manner.

We’ll get it back.

Pulls him into his arms to hide him from the world just for a few moments. Kissing his cheek, his ear, all the while holding him close arms tightly wound around him. ]

Edited 2023-05-08 21:22 (UTC)

[ There's very little that can truly rattle Allen's composure past the point where he can put on a front. Even when he feels terror or rage, he's near always able to push that down to put a calm demeanor or a smile on, to pretend everything is -- or at least will be -- okay.

This is an exception. Losing control over or the loss of his Innocence has always been an exception. Perhaps worse now, because he has lost it before. And while that time was because of an enemy destroying it and rending it from his body... this time it was to a background fear he's had for a long, long time now. Since he first learned of Apocryphos and its intentions for him.

Losing it to, essentially, itself. Its supposed true nature.

So he's almost entirely disassociated by the time Shouto pulls him into the embrace, breath coming in quick puffs and eyes wide and unseeing. He barely even seems to realize that he's being held at first, stiff in his arms, until the urgent but reassuring kisses begin to register and Allen yields. Taking a great, shuddering breath as his arm comes up and he grips onto his back too, sagging into the embrace with a threadbare relief. Burying his nose into Shouto's collar and breathing in the sense of warmth and security: of home. I wish I could talk with you. His breaths take a moment to even out, but they do as he starts to get a handle on his nerves. He touches the back of Shouto's head gently, fingers sliding through the strands of red and white.

Thank you. ]

It isn't... the first time. [ With a final shaky exhale, Allen reluctantly pulls back slightly so they can face each other, even if his eyes stay trained somewhere around his Shouto's collarbone. ]

Although the circumstances are really different.

[ His lips move to make a promise he can’t utter, and quickly grows frustrated by his own silence and ends up kissing him his cheek instead.

Allen. Stay with me.

He pulls back to capture his face in his hands looking at him with an intensity he can’t convey.

You’re okay.

He holds his face steadfastly, fingers grip him with a quiet intensity that draws a blood from the metal backing of Allen’s earring.

I’ve got you.

He mouths slowly, willing him to understand, as blood calls to blood, sending his thoughts through the bloodstone that echoes his words through an untested bond forged by his utter determination to be heard. ]

You’re not alone.

Edited 2023-05-08 23:46 (UTC)

[ Watching Shouto struggle to convey himself to him is hard, knowing it's somehow tied to the injury Allen took, and makes his heart twist painfully. Looking up finally when he kisses his cheek and meeting his eyes as he cups his face, Allen's expression becomes gentle. Touched.

He brings his hand up to touch his lips very gently then, like the blind tracing letters as Shouto mouths the words he wants to speak. Allen smiles gently then finally, if a little sadly, but peaceably. It's alright. I understand what you mean. Fundamentally, at least. A kiss, a touch, the look in the eye-- sometimes those can convey more than even words can, you know?

It's why it's only a little surprising when he feels the small tingle in his ear where the bloodstone band is, something not entirely unfamiliar as he's felt a sense of power and connection from it before. Felt what seemed like a phantom sense of emotions not his own, and the reassuring and steady presence that Shouto exudes. It's a comforting if curious thing when he's reflected on it later, trying to figure out the reason for it, and even more reason why he never takes it off. He said the point of them exchanging earrings was to feel always connected, right? Together and reminded of the other even when apart. That it's literal -- Allen had no idea, but it touches a part of his heart in a odd, but very poignant sort of way.

That said.

He is entirely shocked to hear Shouto's voice echo within his own thoughts as real and present as if he'd spoken aloud. O-oh. Oh! ]

I heard you!

[ Always connected by a power forged in stone by his patron. A gift. One he traded for a treasure far more valuable to him. His mouth slow in its movements, allowing Allen to trace the words from his lips. So, when Allen starts, understanding him finally, Shouto renews his efforts not realizing the distinction between 'heard' and 'understood'.

Slightly amazed that he understood him, Shouto renews his efforts, mouthing his words even slower. We'll get it back. He mouths slowly, concentrating on his actions as he grips him firmly on either side of his head, ignoring the sting on his index finger. ]

We'll get it back.

[ Not just that it was a gift from his patron, but the power of his own blood -- and Allen's too. Not that Allen understands such things, but there is absolutely power in blood, and in giving that to someone else. Exchanging and wearing a set of each other's like they had -- unwittingly, that too is a type of bond with its own power.

Allen, however, looks awestruck as he hears him yet again. Was it because he was touching his lips??? No, no, that'd be silly... ]

...Right. [ Blinking, he stares slightly for a moment as he's still hung up on how he's hearing him more than what he's saying. Amazing... ]

Right, we will.

[ Bonds. The kind built on a foundation of trust take long to forge but are stronger for it. They endure petty misunderstandings and societal divisions that test their strength. Wanting desperately to be there for Allen, Shouto tapped into that bond unwittingly using his blood as leverage in a world of dreams where anything is possible. ]

We'll find it together.

[ He nods firmly at him carefully mouthing the words for Allen before dipping down to kiss him just as firmly. When he pulls back, he finally lets go of him to grip his human hand in his, lightly streaked with blood. ]

[ Where they're both paleblood as well, and can unwittingly give those dreams more power than they're aware they can, Allen to the detriment of them both. It's a double-edged sword for those who are inexperienced with or unaware of the effect.

Saying no was never an option he realizes at the firm and steady kiss full of promise, not that Allen is someone who would try to tell him that or dissuade him anymore, not Shouto at least. But he blinks, stares. Still finding it amazing that he can hear him. No, not that. He squeezes his hand back firmly in response, pressing his lips together with a gentle, determined look as he gives a nod. Steadier now.

You're amazing.

But the streak of red on his hand catches his attention, exposed to no moonlight to turn it pale, and he startles lightly. It's tiny, but he wasn't injured a moment ago? ]

Shouto, you're bleeding--

Edited 2023-05-09 02:12 (UTC)

[ He looks down at the streak of blood on his hand and lets go of his hand long enough to freeze it. Blood was power, but it was also a corrupting force. He's worked too long with the Hunters not to contain it the instant he spots it. Normally, he carried glass vials to seal the blood for trade, but here, he destroys it in a controlled blaze that instantly sublimes the ice leaving behind nothing but a dark stain where the blood once was and stems the flow of more with a layer of ice over the cut.

When he's done, he moves to take Allen's hand again, looking straight at him, and pulls him up off the comfortable bedding. This wasn't their home. It was a mirage and Shouto wanted nothing to do with anything that wasn't real which is why he held on to Allen firmly, unwilling to let him go.

Let's go find it.

He mouths silently, the echo in his mind eerily absent this time as he tugs him forward. No time to waste in illusions. ]

[ That doesn't explain why you were bleeding though, he thinks as he watches him burn the blood. Would blood in a dream even corrupt? Maybe, maybe not. If it's anything like the beast that had attached to Shouto like a parasite it could, but because of Allen's eye he doesn't think it's that... but it also doesn't seem like anything they should take a chance with. It won't unless it corresponds with trauma to their psyche, but-- it's hardly like either of them have experience with that.

Allen follows the tug forward and rises, eyes to Shouto's with a quiet determination but silent as his mind turns over the situation. It's not something as simple as "finding" it, not if it's his Innocence and it's anything like how he got it back before. That's ominous, and leaves him feeling a little lost.

He blinks when he watches Shouto mouth something to him again, instinctively understanding his determination and let's go, but the voice is missing. Allen shakes his head lightly, though he still follows him as they move to the door. ]

I can't hear you anymore. [ So what were you doing before? It wasn't the blood, was it? But there's no hum in the band against his ear though, no sense of connection to a feeling that feels like Shouto. ]

Shouto, I think it's the earrings. [ A hint?

Outside the windows it's dark, but there's a soft glow that slowly becomes noticeable, like it was always there and only now is it something that catches their notice. Like moonlight... but reddish. It illuminates soft flakes that fall and begin to collect on the ledges and ground. A pink snow. ]

[ There it is again. Hear? That gets him to stop in his tracks. He looks over his shoulder at Allen, taking in his words as they are not as he thought they were. Was he... Did he hear him? How? When he couldn't even hear himself.

He knows, then that he's missing a crucial fact he overlooked. One Allen provides him with before he has a chance to derive the answer himself. It takes him aback, a look of utter confusion creasing a line on his temple.

Earring?

He mouths, touching his own but failing to connect to Allen's bloodstone when his confusion at the situation overrode the desire to talk to him. ]

Edited 2023-05-10 01:45 (UTC)

[ His ability to read lips is not good enough to pick that up, but he can pick up on the confused look figure it out from how Shouto touches his own earring. Did he have no idea what he'd done then?

Allen gives a nod, idly touching his own earring. ]

Whatever you did before, I could hear you in here. [ He taps the side of his head. ] Like you were actually speaking. But the stone was really warm too.

I think it let you speak through it. [ It isn't the strangest idea, he's helped Viktor with his bloodstone research and it's done some pretty amazing things. But it's still incredible. Perhaps because it's also a dream and his desire made it reality? But who's to say. ]

[ Through his earring? He looks astounded. Tries to scrape together the few things he uncovered about the bloodstone after he realized the depth of his patron's gift. ]

You... can hear me?

[ He touches his earring, his voice barely above a whisper, the strength of his resolve no longer what it was a few moments before and it's present in the quiet whisper of his words, barely fluttering through the bond. ]

[ ! ]

Yes, I can! [ Elated and amazed! It's faint, but there's no movement of his lips this time to make Allen doubt the source. He claps his hand to Shouto's cheek, cupping it first in wonder and then in affection, his expression softening. ]

That's incredible.

[ Stunned by his exclamation. That he - that the bloodstone. Allen's bloodstone held that much power and stares back in equal amazement. ]

It's your bloodstone.

[ His voice is stronger through the bond this time, his confidence growing, and no longer tries to speak aloud. He can feel the subtle thread connecting him to the paleblood stone. Allen's stone. ]

Is it because it's your dream?

[ It's like the flicker of a small flame being coaxed to life. Faint at first, barely there, but Allen can feel a growing sense of warmth, of a presence there other than just his own as he focuses on it; on wanting to deepen it and connect and hear him. To be there too.

Ironic, it's not to dissimilar than when he focuses on connecting with Crown Clown. Opening your soul up to another. ]

Maybe. [ His tone takes on a softer inflection, thoughtful. They won't know until they're out of it, and it isn't something he's going to worry about until they're there. He leans to press his forehead lightly against Shouto's, as if trying to visualize and strength the connection with a faint and loving nuzzle. ]

I think it's more because of you than me, though.

[ Connecting to it feels like the tiniest thread drifting in the dark hitting something solid in the beyond. In his ignorance, he can't tell what he's come across only that it's attached to Allen, and lightly tugs on it to test its strength.

The thread holds. ]

Him?

[ A skeptical look crosses his eyes, not realizing he's sent that thought through the bond before seeking clarification. ]

It's your bloodstone. Your dream.

Edited 2023-05-10 03:29 (UTC)

And yours. [ Allen smiles faintly at that, letting go to touch the stone on his own ear. Shouto's bloodstone. His demeanor gentler now and steadied; stronger and a bit more sure of himself. Less rattled. ]

It's warm and feels like you.

[ He lets his hand drop, back straightening with a renewed kind of purpose. ]

However it is, I'm glad.

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