And even though she's dreaming

[likethelight]

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki
What: In seeking to understand himself better, Allen's still-persisting doubts and fears about the nature of his power manifest in nightmares that, for Palebloods who can walk in dreams with others... isn't guaranteed to stay a problem you can keep to yourself forever.
When: End of April
Where: the nightmare fuel place inside Allen's head 🙃

Content Warnings: The general existential and some minor body horror that surrounds Allen, being hunted, discussion of child soldiers, child abuse, religious zealotry, parasitic entities, etc.

[ Upon waking, it feels just like that -- waking. Even if it would be more accurate to say it's actually like falling asleep deeper, straight down through the depths of consciousness until you come out the other side. Where you know your mind is awake and alert, your thoughts conscious, but the world around you...

...it isn't quite right.

When Shouto feels his consciousness drift and steps from one dream to the next, one of the first things he might notice is how the pale bloodstone band on his ear thrums with a heavy resonance in a way it never has before. Reactive and -- perhaps seeking? Like the world around him has made it come alive, or it makes the world alive. It quickly calms to a whisper, and then the world comes into focus.

It's dark. A forest at night. Nondescript; it seems like it could be anywhere, perhaps even the Trenchwood. Quiet, which wouldn't seem ominous until you suddenly realize there should still be some sort of sound of life, of at least the wind in the leaves, yet there is nothing. And then-- a flash of white streaking past him like a rabbit being pursued. No warning, no sound of the brush being broken and pushed through. ]

Shouto--?! [ It's a bit of a startled squawk, head snapping around as Allen leaps past him before realizing that someone's there, and who it is. With eyes that are entirely lucid and clear, and not caught in any kind of hazy dream unreality. He comes to a quick skidded stop on his heel, the picture as he ever is in Trench, save for one detail.

The left arm, dragging behind him not as an arm but as a mutated sort of wing. Glowing white and shedding feathers as his invocation does, but not in any form it's ever taken. Not the polished and delicately wrought form Crown Clown is supposed to take, but something that seems frantic and unlike himself. Entirely mutant and otherworldly, feathers squirming where there was probably once fingers, without reflecting any of Allen himself.

But aside from bracing it with his good hand it doesn't seem to be bothering him, and he's just staring at Shouto like of all things, somehow his being here is the strangest?

Yet the air seems to be slowly pressing down further on the both of them. Oppressive; unnatural. Like the night itself is what's actually dangerous. ]

Why are you here...?

Comments

[swellter]

[ Several years ago... An uneasiness ripples through him, yet his expression is calm; understated. ]

Was it a casualty of war?

[likethelight]

It was because of the war. [ Directly said but still soft-spoken. ]

But it was me they were looking for.

[ Allen glances back to Shouto then, gentle and very calmly matter-of-fact. A pillar in his own right, even lacking his arm and ability to fight, and one who holds his hand gently. Keeping his gaze to try and measure Shouto's reaction very carefully. ]

It wasn't destroyed though, just damaged. It's supposed to still be full of people and life.

[ Not this. This is a haunting, foreboding sort of... presence. Like an omen. ]

[swellter]

[ It hits him only now, almost a year after Allen first spoke of the war that robbed him of his teacher, that it isn't a new concept for him. War. He's been bearing it for years. ]

You've been at war for several years.

[ He states quietly, expression shifting to something more subdued as uneasiness turns to turmoil, and dread starts to creep at the edge of his thoughts. ]

Is that how long you've been hunted for?

[likethelight]

E-eh? [ That gets a quick response, a nervous look with a slightly awkward half-smile. They hadn't... they hadn't talked about that, had they? Had he told Shouto that? He doesn't recall, so did you figure it out somehow?

After all, Allen remembers none of what happens when Nea takes over his body. ]

N-no... [ He blinks, offers a nervous grin, and grips Shouto's hand a little tighter as if trying to offer him what comfort he can that way. ]

The war is centuries old. Though... it had only gotten worse again more recently I think.

[ Something that existed long before him, and probably will long after. He stopped believing he would see the end of it, and only hopes that the impact he's had might inspire others who will see it over. ]

[swellter]

[ Surprise flares through him, and he looks at Allen with renewed eyes. A war that's lasted for centuries?! And it's then, amid the turmoil that he glimpses red in the dim light.

The torrent of emotions recedes as quickly as they arrive, making way for the overwhelming feeling of concern. Very gently, he touches his cheek where thin scratches mar his skin. His eyes shift to his hand where blood paints a trail down his arm. ]

You're hurt.

[likethelight]

[ Oh-- his demeanor gentles at that. At the concern that washes over Shouto and the way he reaches for his cuts, reminding Allen too that he had been injured before. With a softer expression he gives a nod. ]

Mm, by the Tease... the butterflies. You were too. [ I'm sorry.

Though his own don't seem to be anything that bothers Allen that much; in fact such injuries seem to barely register and get worn as normally as his clothes. His eyes flicker with sympathy though, and he lets go finally only so he can bring his hand up like he means to touch the scratches on Shouto too -- but he doesn't quite, as he realizes it would just smear his own blood there from where it had dripped down his arm.

He lingers, conflicted and hating how he only has the one hand. ]

We were fortunate that your ability can work against them. [ Otherwise, they certainly would have died.

Because unfortunately, for most enemies in Allen's world there is nothing that normal fire and ice could do to them. At least not for long. They're made of and empowered by substances that belong to a different reality, a different set of rules. ]

[swellter]

[ The butterflies, in their power to hurt them, meant danger. Now that they're gone and out of sight, they mean little but for the aftermath of their passing. Shouto watches his blood drip into the shallow water. Listens to the silence bordering on emptiness in the ruins they stand in. A stretch of memory of an ongoing war, centuries-old. ]

We were fortunate.

[ He corrects and regards Allen with a quiet expression that softens around the eyes when he sees him hesitate. ]

Let me wrap it.

[ He intercedes, taking his bloody hand in his, smearing red on his fingers and palm. He pays no heed to it, and opens the top of a metal canister strapped to his hero costume, and silently gets to work, cleaning the blood, while a soundless hymn echoes in his mind. ]

Tell me about the war. About your Innoncence.

[likethelight]

[ A little surprised at first, Allen blinks when Shouto takes his hand and begins to wrap it, but his expression softens then. Had you had your uniform and equipment this whole time, even if it's a dream? Did it change from pajamas the moment they left the house like Allen's had? He hadn't noticed, in that strange way you sometimes don't notice out of place things in a dream.

It's strange like that. How very real it is, real enough he wonders if blood is still a threat to them, and yet so very not as well. ]

...every time I think I've understood something about it, I think I just understand it less.

[ It's the very soft-spoken answer he gives finally, after a long and quiet pause. There used to be very simple summations he would give when explaining it to people who didn't know, and most people in his world weren't aware, but looking back on them now...

It's like I only had the understanding of a child, and only more recently understand I still do. ]

Two sides of something most of us can't even comprehend that have hated each other for centuries, and humanity gets caught in the middle. That's what it feels like. One side that hates what humans are and wants to remake the world without them, the Noah who are still human too, and the other that uses them to fight that. Innocence.

Except, even if fighting against a side that so clearly wants to commit a genocide... it doesn't feel like they're in the right either. Bloodthirsty and using humans as tools, where they don't care of they die and will kill them when it's convenient too.

[ It feels so strange, to talk about it here in this place. All the things that were buried deep in the back of his mind, first because there was no one he dared discuss them with as they were all players in that war and thus endangered by it, and then because he stopped thinking about his Innocence or even Nea much after being pulled from that world and his body relatively stabilizing to the point where neither were a routine problem.

But that doesn't mean anything changed, either. ]

That's what you saw before. The living Innocence that took Crown Clown.

[swellter]

[ He listens without genuinely understanding. The way a child might grasp the theory of gravity. They might understand the concept - if something goes up, it must come down - but the complexities of it remain a mystery, easily misconstrued.

Two sides. One who hates humanity, and the other who... likes them? One side wants genocide. The Noah. And the other who fights against annihilation. The Innocence. The source of Allen's power.

He burns the cotton pad drenched with blood in his left hand to stopper the blood corruption at the source. Even if he doesn't need to in this place of hope and dreams, it's a habit he's formed here.

Moving helps him think, and he ponders his explanation in silence. Raising heterochromic eyes, different like night and day, to him. ]

Before?

[likethelight]

[ Honestly he couldn't even blame him for not understanding. Allen barely understands it anymore and he grew up steeped in it. What he does understand is that there is an unknown truth to that war he hasn't grasped yet -- and perhaps now never might.

It's frustrating. Frustrating without having any recourse. And that's why he hasn't pursued it. It's just how Allen is, how he operates: if you truly, legitimately can't do anything about something, you shouldn't get worked up about it.

So he meets Shouto's gaze gently, calmly. Giving a slight nod, and as soon as he's done with his hand he'll reach for a clean cotton pad as well. So he can clean Shouto's face gently too. ]

In the forest. [ That priest who was wasn't a priest at all not half an hour ago he hadn't been able to burn. It's not like he's ever lost his arm around him before, you know? ]

[swellter]

[ He continues his task, letting himself be cleansed in turn. ]

Was that a Noah?

[ He asks, burning another cotton pad. He'll do the same for Allen's, opening his left palm to take the blood-drenched pad from him for disposal without a word. ]

Did he attack you because you're Innocence?

[ Not "your" but "you're". A subtle difference easily misconstrued in speech. ]

[likethelight]

[ ? That question gets a blink and a slightly confused look from Allen. He doesn't honestly expect Shouto to understand the nature of the war because that's A Lot and something Allen struggles with too, but that--

You think it was as simple as an enemy encounter still? ]

No... [ Hesitating, he shakes his head and lets the cotton pad drop into his palm, listening to the sound of it incinerate against the silent backdrop and quiet drip of water in the cavern more than he watches it. ]

That was living Innocence.

[swellter]

[ He stills quiet in his movements, eyes shifting up to meet his. He told him that much before, but not the why or the “who”. ]

Why is living Innocence after you?

[likethelight]

[ That is the who.

But Allen gets a little quiet at that question, eyes dropping down somewhere between them as he seems deep in thought. A little uneasy, a little fidgety, and there's a guilty sort of heavyness in how his eyes hood. Debating, conflicted--

But also unsure. ]

Before, in my world... it wanted to merge with me-- with Crown Clown. [ He reaches to take another cotton pad, needing the physical distraction, needing something to help keep him grounded, and begins to dab lightly at blood stemming from a nick on Shouto's neck. ]

Doing so would destroy the other thing inside of me it said. It would destroy Nea.

[ He says it so softly, so openly, that it masks the sheer dread and panic that batters around in his chest to mention that name out loud around Shouto. One calm sliver away from panic. ]

But it's also what killed my master. [ His tone hardens, stern as he dabs at the blood with a sense of conviction instead of hesitation. ] And Timcanpy. And a friend of mine, who tried to help me escape even if it meant giving up everything he'd believed in.

[ So I absolutely will never merge with that thing is left unsaid, but the disgust and resolution is written on his face and in his tone. A bluntness in how he speaks that he doesn't normally have. Anger and conviction, frustration, grief, but ones that have long hardened and had time to form into a sense of purpose. And to keep fighting at all costs.

Mostly because he's never had the luxury of being able to let himself break down and feel them all in their fullest, and resists that at his core. It's a survival reflex. A necessity of his world. ]

But I don't know. This time, in this place... it's different. [ Voice softening again, he pulls back. Letting the cotton pad drop into Shouto's hand the moment he opens it to incinerate it, but Allen's expression is a little lost again then. ]

This time, Nea is already gone.

[swellter]

[ In the dim light, a handful of thin scratches are visible to the naked eye, minor compared to Allen's injuries. Even so, he tilts his head slightly to give him room to work. You're anxious. He thinks, vaguely aware that it's not the end goal that matters, but the process itself. He swallows lightly, feeling the gentle press of fingers against his throat, a perfect compliment to his softly spoken words but for the uneasy look that mars his shadowed features.

Why do you look like that?

Concern bleeds through the bond in tumultuous waves. The last time Allen spoke of his Innocence in-depth, they were trapped in a cursed book that gave him a taste of his world. Is it hard for you to talk about? Is that why you won't look at me? He regards him in silence, feeling completely out of his depth, yet it's this familiar constant that grounds him. He listens in silence, letting him speak without interruption, adding what he says to what he already knows about his Innocence. ]

This isn't the first time we've faced a nightmare together. Or the first time you've spoken about your Innocence. Or Nea. I met him, remember? [ He eyes him quietly, giving Allen time to recall that incident, while he delicately touches his cheek, tracing a trail up his jawline. ] I know he's a part of you... was a part of you.

[ He reminds him, letting his index finger skim over the white stone of his earring, strengthening the bond momentarily, filling it with a deep sense of acceptance that's gone the moment the contact is lost. ]

The priest in the woods. That was Living Innocence. [ He tries to put together what he knows to figure out what he's missing. ] You said, before, that it can take human form. That it wants to merge with your Innocence. Is that why it chased you in the woods?

[ To merge with it? That makes sense. ]

If it gets what it wants, it'll destroy Nea, right? The 'other thing inside you'? [ He looks at him. Bit by bit, the puzzle pieces begin to form a picture. ] A Noah. The other faction that wants to annihilate humanity.

Nea didn't like Innocence. He said, "Opposites aren't meant to mix". If that was true, why did he, a Noah, choose you, who was born with Innocence?

[likethelight]

[ Throughout all of that, Allen nods gently from time to time to confirm when Shouto seems to look to him for confirmation. A little surprised but also touched because he gets all of it right actually, something he doesn't really expect of anyone because Allen can barely understand most of it. And I don't understand how, but hearing you say all of that... it helps make my heart feel a little more at ease. Enough so that his eyes close gently when he touches his earring, stirred to lean into it and the brief feeling he's come to associate as so purely "Shouto". That calm, grounding sense of acceptance.

But "opposites aren't meant to mix" — it's the first time Allen's heard it and it registers in the surprise on Allen's face. His chin jerks up lightly, blinking, and at first he doesn't answer. Not for coaching any answer, but... ]

I don't know. [ He bites his lip lightly, expression transparent and briefly fragile, but shakes his head then. ]

Master said it was probably a matter of convenience. That it was because I happened to be there.

[ Allen leans forward then, red and white hair meshing together as he lets his forehead press against Shouto's. Troubled still maybe, but calm too, and focusing instead on forging that gentle but strong sense of connection. Craning into it as he reaches for his hand.

Sorry. I wish I had better answers. ]

But I don't know.

[swellter]

[ It's never bothered him how little he knows about Allen's past. He's gained insight from those few times the world they came from bled into Trench. They were all constructs of this world. Their lives before waking in the sea, a place they could never return to, so he thought it didn't matter. He didn't need to know. But seeing Allen like this, shaken and frightened by a nightmare of his past that chased him across worlds, he knows he was wrong. ]

Allen. He could have taken over anyone else, yet he chose you. Someone he can't easily take over.

[ His fingers touch his bottom lip lightly. ]

You're not a convenience.