[Lance brows draw together in a bit of confusion about what Shiro means, but it sounds like he's saying it more to himself. Something that resonates with him somehow in some way related to this, so Lance doesn't comment on it. The rest does hit him where he lives, though and he goes pretty still and tense as he tries to manage to gut punch of emotions.
The first time he looked in the mirror and had a physical mark he could never hide with clothes was after he revived from being killed by Reaper. It could be said that a small part of why that event has not stopped haunting him (other than the fact that Reaper would not leave him be), is that he saw a reminder of it every time he looked in the mirror in that scar over his left brow and eye. But even before that he was seeing the wear and tear in smaller ways and slowly not really recognizing the face looking back at him.
Finally, he nods shakily in agreement of that assessment of how it feels. Then he starts to tremble where he still sits, tense and still, trying very hard not to crumble as Shiro reassures him about what he sees. It's both nice and difficult to hear all at once. Finally, he lets out a long shuddered breath and the glow that was climbing up his neck slows.]
I still try to be all those things, but lately… it feels like I'm going through the motions. Faking it until… maybe I can be me again. I dunno who I am anymore, if I'm a… a victim. [It's visibly very hard for him to say that word in relation to himself.] Or a murderer. Or…
[He raises a shaking, gently glowing hand up to his eyes and presses to try and ground himself.] Ryan and Kyle said it doesn't matter what he did to me, that- that I was in the wrong. And then Rei said it's what I had to do, and… I'm so confused and for some reason I'm really angry too, because… I just…
[He lets his hand fall and ball into a fist, expression as torn in so many directions as he feels. It's the kind of turning point where he is slowly starting to realize his truth and that comes with a lot of conflicted pain and rage that is so much he can't even begin to explain where it comes from.]
Once they saw I was at the arena they figured it was bloodsport, but… I don't think it was just the arena, Shiro. I think I would've done that all on my own eventually… and I dunno what that says about who I am now either.
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The first time he looked in the mirror and had a physical mark he could never hide with clothes was after he revived from being killed by Reaper. It could be said that a small part of why that event has not stopped haunting him (other than the fact that Reaper would not leave him be), is that he saw a reminder of it every time he looked in the mirror in that scar over his left brow and eye. But even before that he was seeing the wear and tear in smaller ways and slowly not really recognizing the face looking back at him.
Finally, he nods shakily in agreement of that assessment of how it feels. Then he starts to tremble where he still sits, tense and still, trying very hard not to crumble as Shiro reassures him about what he sees. It's both nice and difficult to hear all at once. Finally, he lets out a long shuddered breath and the glow that was climbing up his neck slows.]
I still try to be all those things, but lately… it feels like I'm going through the motions. Faking it until… maybe I can be me again. I dunno who I am anymore, if I'm a… a victim. [It's visibly very hard for him to say that word in relation to himself.] Or a murderer. Or…
[He raises a shaking, gently glowing hand up to his eyes and presses to try and ground himself.] Ryan and Kyle said it doesn't matter what he did to me, that- that I was in the wrong. And then Rei said it's what I had to do, and… I'm so confused and for some reason I'm really angry too, because… I just…
[He lets his hand fall and ball into a fist, expression as torn in so many directions as he feels. It's the kind of turning point where he is slowly starting to realize his truth and that comes with a lot of conflicted pain and rage that is so much he can't even begin to explain where it comes from.]
Once they saw I was at the arena they figured it was bloodsport, but… I don't think it was just the arena, Shiro. I think I would've done that all on my own eventually… and I dunno what that says about who I am now either.