[Lance's brows pull together in slight confusion when Shiro goes for the mitts before touching him. Wait… does he know? He hasn't told anyone. Well, it's something to touch upon later maybe because everything else passing between them has his focus much more immediately.
His shoulders rise a bit as Shiro talks, his gaze still down cast. And he wishes that it were so easy as being told that he's allowed to feel how he feels. It's one thing to hear it, to know it even… another thing to live by it, to make it part of his core belief about himself and what he deserves. It helps to hear that Shiro still sees him through it all, even if in many ways he struggles to believe it deep down, he wants to.
But when Shiro mentions Reaper not hesitating to hurt him again, he significantly tenses and goes still. Largely because the mere idea of that is harrowing, triggering. But also… Lance isn't so sure what to think about Reaper anymore these days. Something he's not sure he can admit to Shiro. At least not this second, and especially not when he is so confused, conflicted and barely understands himself.
Then Shiro poses that question and admits he still wants to go after him and Lance doesn't instantly shake his head, but not because he's hesitating, he just needs to process the gravity of what's being said. A pause after that head shake, and he tries to summon words after swallowing, and he breathes in a shallow and wet breath due to his injuries and lets it out in a huff.]
I wouldn't blame you… part of me was afraid you would. You and- and Keith especially. [This is the first time he's said Keith's name since after he left almost a year ago and Lance told Shiro their relationship was a mistake. His voice is a quiet croak of barely contained feeling.] And I… didn't want him to hurt you.
[So he never told them. That's not the main reason why, of course. There are so many complex reasons he kept it to himself, most significantly: the heavy shame, the fear, the blame of himself. But there was a part of him that feared telling would put them in that kind of danger.]
I think… anyone would want to… but wanting to isn't the same as doing it. [His head lifts, revealing his confused expression even though he doesn't meet Shiro's eyes. He can tell Shiro is going somewhere with this here, but he's not seeing it yet, trying to go with him on it, but not sure how.]
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His shoulders rise a bit as Shiro talks, his gaze still down cast. And he wishes that it were so easy as being told that he's allowed to feel how he feels. It's one thing to hear it, to know it even… another thing to live by it, to make it part of his core belief about himself and what he deserves. It helps to hear that Shiro still sees him through it all, even if in many ways he struggles to believe it deep down, he wants to.
But when Shiro mentions Reaper not hesitating to hurt him again, he significantly tenses and goes still. Largely because the mere idea of that is harrowing, triggering. But also… Lance isn't so sure what to think about Reaper anymore these days. Something he's not sure he can admit to Shiro. At least not this second, and especially not when he is so confused, conflicted and barely understands himself.
Then Shiro poses that question and admits he still wants to go after him and Lance doesn't instantly shake his head, but not because he's hesitating, he just needs to process the gravity of what's being said. A pause after that head shake, and he tries to summon words after swallowing, and he breathes in a shallow and wet breath due to his injuries and lets it out in a huff.]
I wouldn't blame you… part of me was afraid you would. You and- and Keith especially. [This is the first time he's said Keith's name since after he left almost a year ago and Lance told Shiro their relationship was a mistake. His voice is a quiet croak of barely contained feeling.] And I… didn't want him to hurt you.
[So he never told them. That's not the main reason why, of course. There are so many complex reasons he kept it to himself, most significantly: the heavy shame, the fear, the blame of himself. But there was a part of him that feared telling would put them in that kind of danger.]
I think… anyone would want to… but wanting to isn't the same as doing it. [His head lifts, revealing his confused expression even though he doesn't meet Shiro's eyes. He can tell Shiro is going somewhere with this here, but he's not seeing it yet, trying to go with him on it, but not sure how.]