Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

[azurestar]

Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw

Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture

( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )

Comments

[shiro2hero]

[As far as he knows, that's how it goes with all Palebloods. On the other hand, maybe he doesn't know enough to make a decent sample size. Either way - safe side, oven mits. More important conversations.]

You wouldn't blame me. [He echoes Lance there, gently, softening his voice even further. But for all the quiet of his tone, there's not a single hint of doubt. Nothing. He is utterly, completely sincere. Lance wouldn't blame him for taking action against someone who'd hurt him. Or who'd hurt his family.] Not for going after Reaper, Mother Superior, or... if the Witch showed up here.

[His eyes lift, slowly, to meet Lance's. All that sincerity plain to see.]

And, Lance, I tried. I tried to take Superior down every chance I had. I tried to kill her.

[If they're both admitting big things to each other here - he may as well tell him about the attempts. Only Peter had ever been there during them. Well, Peter and Cynthia. He hadn't been successful, but not for a lack of attempts. None of them had any real hope of defeating a Pthumerian, and definitely not in Deerington. His hand tightens, curling fingers through the glove around Lance's.]

So how... could I ever blame you for pulling it off? How could I think any less of you?

[He blames Reaper. He blames Maul. The people who'd driven someone he cares about to this. For no good reason except they could. Or they thought it was teaching him a lesson, or some kind of high and mighty lie like that. What in the hell has this taught his teammate? His friend? Other than to hate himself.]

[Pthumerians help them if he met them alone.]

[azurestar]

[Lance listens as Shiro goes through telling him what he's done in retaliation to Superior, how he could never blame him. His face goes through a range of different pained and tight expressions. The voices in his head laugh because Mother Superior isn't even human, and isn't killing another human different from trying to kill a Pthumerian.

But at the same time, he also knows Shiro spaced Sendak all those years ago… what is that if not killing him? Sure, he didn't die, but… he knows Shiro has done things out of trauma and desperation and anger to fear and sheer stubborn force of will and confidence in the things he believes. And he knows that he's being honest and that he could never blame him for any of it. In fact, he admires him for it.

It's so hard to apply that to himself to start viewing himself and what he did in the same way. But in the very least there's a weight lifted in knowing, for certain that Shiro at least in his own way understands some part of it and doesn't think less of him or blame him. He lets out a shuddered breath, the tear that starts to escape is instantly evaporated by the gentle glow of his powers that had started to build.

He nods shakily in acknowledgement. There's still so much he doesn't feel okay with, doesn't understand or feel sure of in the bigger picture. But in the one question of if Shiro personally blames him… he's more clear. It helps a little.] Thanks, Shiro.

[He doesn't know what else to say, there's less of a weight on him but he still feels adrift, like there's a hole that's been carved out of him and… he has no idea how to fix it. What to ask for. Maybe the rest of it is something he needs to figure out alone.]

[shiro2hero]

Any time, okay?

[He means it. Wholeheartedly. Like he's meant everything else in this conversation. Honestly, Shiro has no idea how much this is actually helping. If it's helping at all. All he can really do is offer up experiences, offer an ear. He wants to be able to take the trauma away completely, even if he knows, logically, that just isn't possible.]

[Unless, here, maybe it is.]

[Something to file away for later, maybe. In the meantime, all he can do is this. Repeat the support. Repeat the understanding, the lack of blame. He squeezes the hand he's still holding in the oven mitt. It's okay - he's not going anywhere.]

I know it's hard - and I know that's an understatement, believe me. But I'm here for you, okay? I'll do whatever I can.

[azurestar]

[Lance swallows and doesn't know what else to do but nod in a shaky understanding and gratitude. He feels unsteady and like he needs to go out into the forest or take a boat out onto the ocean and just let loose. But he doesn't, his experience with letting loose on his emotions has never ended well for him.

He needs something to focus on, something not the gnawing gaping hole he feels inside of his chest. His eyes drift down to the oven mitts on Shiro's hands as he grips through them. That's a good subject shift, yeah…]

What's… with the oven mitts?

[shiro2hero]

[He'll wait. He'll wait as long as it takes, honestly. If Lance is done talking, for now, that's okay. There's a lot of pain here, more than he thinks he can successfully coax out in just one talk. Important thing is, he knows some of it now. He can try and help.]

[He has to try and help.]

Hm? [Shiro pauses, and looks down too. Then... laughs. It's quiet, a little self-conscious. A little forced.] Oh uh. I figured it'd help the whole paleblood thing.

Can't really transfer feelings through an oven mitt, right?

[Yeah, that's right. He thinks it applies to all palebloods. Good job, Shiro.]

[azurestar]

[He blinks because what? He is positive he never said anything to anyone about that. Okay, he's been through this before with his mom and usually he just keeps playing dumb and pussyfooting around until he gets a clear idea of what is… happening.]

Uh, what're you talking about?

[shiro2hero]

[Shiro looks as dumbfounded as humanly possible. Like Lance said he was secretly Hunk in a very convincing disguise. He looks down at the mitts again.]

I... thought it was a paleblood thing. Touch people, get their emotions? Was I wrong?

[Should he let go altogether?]

[azurestar]

Uh, yep. Totally wrong.

[Wrong that it's a paleblood thing, at least. It's definitely a him thing, but he's not going to let on to that. At least not the pain-taking part of it.]

Some palebloods only read minds, some make illusions or see the future, buuuut touching isn't a standard part of it for everyone at all. Why the heck did you think that?

[shiro2hero]

Crud.

[That's right. Not even a "crap". But he does press a hand to his forehead. Oven mitt and all. When he speaks up again, it's a bit muffled by all the fabric until he drops it.]

I'm sorry. I... thought I was making it easier on you. [He sighs.] I guess I don't know as many of you as I thought? There's you. Ryan...

Wu? I think? I haven't really shaken hands with him or anything since we woke up here, though. [He's had more physical contact with Mako, to be honest.]

[azurestar]

[Lance snorts and awkwardly waves off the apology.]

Dude, don't worry about it. It's kinda funny, actually. [He smiles slightly.] I think Wu can make people feel super comforted when he hugs them or something. As for me? I feel like basic emotions just being near people. And, you're actually not that far off. Reeeemember when I first got my star powers and I couldn't touch anyone with bare skin because it was dangerous?

It's kinda like that. So I've got the gloves thing covered just like back then, no oven mitts required. And it's not that big of a deal anyway, I touch you with a bare hand, I feel all your feelings and I can help you feel better, big whoop.

[shiro2hero]

Well. If it's one thing I can do, it's humor.

[No, he can't. It's his terrible coping mechanism, and he likes bad puns. Still - he hadn't overstepped, and that's a relief]

[He will make a mental note to ask Will about it, though.]

I... really just didn't want to make things worse for you. Figured it was better to be overly cautious than not. [Seriously, he'd feel horrendous if he ended up making things worse here. More than that. He's already swimming in guilt where Lance is concerned - it'd just be the icing on the Terrible Cake.] But - I'll keep that in mind. In case I need your help down the line.

[azurestar]

[Lance snorts lightly at that.] Yeah, dad humor.

[Then he nods slowly, understanding that… and now feeling bad about keeping the full nature of his powers from Shiro. He closes his eyes against it. If he tells him, Shiro will never let him help in the only way that he feels like he can these days. But he also can feel that guilt and worry and…]

…If I'm being totally honest they're not actually that easy to use. But all I want to do is find something good I can do with all these dumb powers I never wanted…

[shiro2hero]

I learned it from the best.

[Then he's quiet, again, looking down at his hands. Just listening. It doesn't feel as if he can do much else, these days. There's nothing else he can do to help. He's already let them all down too many times.]

You will. [It's said with all the conviction he can muster. And, well. Since this is Shiro, it's a lot.] Maybe we'll find some kind of wise old Paleblood to help, somewhere.

[azurestar]

[He snorts at that suggestion.]

Like a paleblood Yoda?