Mostly Closed Catch-all for November

[azurestar]

Who: Lance (azurestar) and CR
What: Catch-all for November, after this
When: All of November
Where: Prufrock, Cellar Door, Crenshaw

Content Warnings: discussion of death, murder, trauma/ptsd, psychosis, past torture

( ooc: this is a catchall for Lance this November after his conflict with Reaper and then Maul, though I am trying to keep my new threads this month limited in number, if you have CR with Lance already you are welcome to come plot something with me here or on plurk at spypigeon and we can start something here in this log or I may ask to wait till next month while I get his inbox more caught up and under control if I've already got too much going on, either way I'm happy to plot always! )

Comments

[azurestar]

[It's one thing to hear about it, it's another thing to see it. His eyebrows go up and his mouth opens a little as he watches Fern grow a tree from his arm.

Suddenly, the stray thought about how her must've gone up in flames real quick hits him hard and his expression crumbles, he looks down and away. The guilt and shame about this have been swirling in his chest through this whole discussion, but now… he needs to tell him.]

… Before you do that, there's something I should tell you.

[laminae]

[Fern brightens at Lance's reaction. It's always nice when he can use his plant powers for something useful!

Though, that feeling does fade a little at what Lance says next, replaced by confusion.]

Uh, sure dude. Go for it.

[azurestar]

[Lance rubs at the back of his neck, self conscious, guilty, ashamed. All those wonderful awful emotions and then he lets out a slow steadying breath.]

A couple years ago or so, I got turned into a dragon. Most of my memories from that are hazy and confusing, but I remember you… burning. Because of me. [He squeezes his eyes shut.] I'm sorry, man. I understand if you wanna bail and have nothing to do with me ever again. Or even hit me… but maybe just let me get down on the ground first if you're gonna do that?

[laminae]

[Fern very slowly starts to clue in at the mention of the dragon thing. He definitely hasn't forgotten his first death, partly because it was his first time, partly because it was so embarrassing for someone who says he's a knight.

But he never, not once ever, thought that dragon was a Sleeper. He had been sure it was a monster made by Deerington, so don't mind him as he stares blankly at this news. He needs a minute to process this.]

You... were that dragon? [He blinks.] You were the one who killed me??

[And as it sink in, Fern feels a whole flood of emotions. Anger and upset that it was a fellow Sleeper, and a little fear that he's right there in front of him, and of course the urge to punch Lance as revenge. He holds his head, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down a little.]

Dude - gimme a minute, this is a lot to take in.

[azurestar]

[It's times like this he really hates being an empath. Though, he only feels surface emotions, it's usually enough to get a decent picture. Especially in emotional moments, though the more complex it is, the more muddles what he senses.

This is muddles, but he can gather that Fern is upset and anger is in there too. He nods in understanding and just waits for Fern to figure himself out. Should he apologize again? That seems kind of inadequate.

You apologize for something like bumping into someone and knocking coffee all over them, not… incinerating them. Though he knows he wasn't himself when it happened, like all the times he's hurt anyone he always feels like he should have done more, fought harder to stay himself. There must have always been something he could have done differently…]

[laminae]

[That's what makes this all difficult. It'd be a lot easier to deal with if Lance had just up and one day decided to kill him, but he had had his entire body forcibly changed into a huge dragon. And on top of that, it sounds like the town had also severely messed with his head. He knows what it's like being messed with both physically and mentally, so even though he's angry and upset those feelings are just - swirling around aimlessly, instead of being directed squarely at Lance.

Fern makes a noise akin to a sigh, and scrubs a hand over his face.]

Geez. So... that town did a huge number on both of us that day, huh?

[That's what it really comes down to: they were both victims, and it was Deerington's fault. Thinking about the situation on those terms gives him something to direct his anger towards, and that helps.

(Even though the town was really just Julia and her powers, it's a lot easier to separate it out from her as some evil monstrous thing.)]

I really, really wish I could've punched that flippin' town.

[azurestar]

[Stunned is the best word to describe the way he looks at that eventual conclusion. He looks a bit dazed as he just sort of internally short circuits and tries to rewire himself to process this unexpected turn. After his most recent experiences and also other past experiences in Deerington, he can safely say based on those that preparing for a punch was the safest bet. It takes a few moments of dazed staring before he finds his voice.]

I… dude, wait… what?

[Now he's got a lot of swirling emotions of his own to sort through. After the time he's had recently, this feels kind of like when everything keeps going wrong all day, you wake up and step on a lego and then trip in a puddle on your way to school and you're late to class and your girlfriend rips your heart out and your grandma dies. It all cumulates into feeling like you're the stupidest and worst human to ever walk the earth and then someone just tells you simply that it wasn't your fault even after you broke their nose opening a door or something. It's whiplash and tornado flipping you upside down all at once.]

[laminae]

[Fern does undeniably feel the urge to punch something over all of that nonsense, though he's well aware thanks to his own self-loathing that he was a huge, stupid idiot for trying to fight a fire-breathing dragon when he's so vulnerable to fire. He should have been smarter about things, he shouldn't have been so weak, yadda yadda yadda.

But, from Fern's point of view, Lance also got screwed over pretty hard, too. He shrugs a little, and he should probably suss out the situation a little more, but what can he say, he goes by his gut and emotions first.]

Well, yeah. You probably didn't ask to be turned into a bloodthirsty dragon, right? The town just did it? [Because that's usually how the town worked.] So you got screwed over, too.

[azurestar]

[Lance can definitely feel Fern's punching urge through his empathic powers. And he's quiet for a long moment, contemplative of what he's being told. Only recently has he started to try and accept that in many cases he was powerless… it's truly not that easy. Even though all rationality tells him it's so, PTSD, survivor's guilt, all that great shit… just maintains its hold on his heart.

So instead of arguing or agreeing, he reaches up to awkwardly rub at the back of his neck and finally looks up at Fern.]

If… if you wanna punch something, I've got a whole mountain of rubble you can get your fists on. That's almost like punching a town.

[laminae]

[Fern raises his eyebrows, not having expected to receive an actual punching offer. Especially one that might satisfy his whole 'wanting to punch the town' urge. He smiles a little at that.]

Hah, really? That sounds pretty great. I might have to take you up on that offer when you're done.

[He gestures at the roof they're on.]

I don't wanna take you away from your work.

[azurestar]

[Lance shrugs and smiles a bit as he gestures to Fern's tree arm that he grew earlier. Before Lance suddenly told him about his first death.]

If you're gonna be helping with your magic tree growing powers— which are awesome, by the way— then we'll just kick the rubble pile's ass on a lunch break.

[laminae]

Ha ha, yeah! [Kicking a pile of rubble's ass sounds like tons of fun! He even punches the air.] Let's get this done so we can beat it up!

wrap

[azurestar]

[Lance smiles faintly, though tired and hurt he's absolutely grateful for… all of Fern's understanding and taking everything in stride. Now to get to work.] You got it.