[closed] don't call him dr. L

[torpour]

Who: Nehan and his students.
What: It's about time to start being a teacher, which means meeting up with them one by one and conducting their first lessons-- sparring for some, medic training for others. May not be completely nice and productive, due to blood type shenanigans. Thanks, December.
When: Early to mid-December.
Where: Nehan's house for medical studies, and some fields away from people for combat training.

Content Warnings: Physical violence, little bit of beasthood, potential potty mouths, potential squicky conversations, Nehan's personal issues with his disabilities. More TBA when they come up.

[[ starters in the comments below. if you'd like to get in on this but we haven't plotted it out, feel free to shoot me a pp at wildtrapinch and we can talk! ]]

Comments

[searingwing]

[Like this he is aware a dangerous fighter is circling. Watching. He says nothing until silence falls.] No.

My strength is necessary when it is necessary. I apologize for the offense and holding back.

[There is something odd about his expression. The air about him is somehow sharper, and he holds utterly still without much effort. All that he is when night falls are things he learned himself. Maybe one thing he learned best is he is a very effective weapon. Better than his father ever dreamed of.]

[torpour]

That's not enough. [his tail is wagging, but in the irritation that nehan is tamping down, so he doesn't show it on his face, or in his actions.]

Tell me what's holding you back, instead of dancing around it.

"No" is not an answer.

[searingwing]

[He thought he had answered. Diluc turns over what he had said and finds it sufficient. But it seems it isn’t.

And he looks at his hands. Is it fear? The thought of just going through, letting go and fighting with everything. Even the darker things. Makes him see his will being crushed in icy jaws and Yuri yelling at him to stop. Or he hears the rain.

He closes his eyes. As he realizes what it is. What it really is.] …It’s guilt.

[He says very slowly. It feels like he is pulling a chain out of the depths.] Every time I’ve truly let go. Terrible things happen.

[Yuri. Kaeya. The heap of lives from three years of searching for the truth. Sodder. Vision or no vision. That’s the real issue here. Why he imposes so many chains on himself in a fight.]

[torpour]

A heap of bodies at your feet, either by your own hand, or because of what you did-- or did not do.

[nehan, of course, understands. then he raises a single, thin finger, black nail gleaming dully in the natural light.]

Guilt can become fear, if you mire yourself in it. Becoming scared of your own power is an all-too real possibility for stronger warriors, and that makes them troublesome to deal with. I refuse to allow that to happen to you.

If you call yourself a protector, you cant afford to use only half your power.

[searingwing]

[The mask Diluc puts between himself and the world cracks right down the center. He raises his head, eyes widening slightly. Surprise is stamped on his face.

He hasn’t thought of that. There has only been his carefully calculated control. This much strength for this or that. Some part of him unable to unchain himself when there isn’t a kill to be made.

His lips move but nothing is said. He ducks his head for a moment then looks up, a little more open. He is listening, aware, and the shadow of the boy he used to be is there.] …you’re right. I can’t afford that.

[torpour]

If you want someone to live, don't just stand on the sidelines, nicely asking them if they would like to come back to safety, where you are, and ask the danger to just go away. [nehan stops his circuit around the human right where he started from, looking him right in the eye, but only half seeing him.

he's remembering how six forced him to live by beating him black and blue, attempting to save nehan from himself.]

You drag them back with your own two hands, if you truly want people to live.

[searingwing]

[There is a long moment of silence as Diluc visibly thinks that over. Pull them out with your own hands isn’t the issue.

Kaeya flashes across his mind’s eye.

It comforts me to know you have someone to help you…

He hadn’t thought about of others want to live or not. He just burned paths for them to survive. For a second he puts a hand over his face. Had his being alone-] I believe I know exactly what you’re saying. It clears up the motives of someone else in the process.

…you noticed it, I’ve been burning myself up in the process of everything. [He poses it as a question. But he knows he’s right. How long has he upset others with his head long self destruction.]

[torpour]

You may not show emotion on your face, but you lack subtlety. You're very, very easy to read, Diluc Ragnvindr.

[even now, he's giving so much for nehan to see, but he wont exploit those... not yet. he merely stands there, looking up at the human with his arms crossed.]

So, then, what are you going to do about it?

[searingwing]

[There’s a moment of silence as he looks down and visibly thinks it over. He has been burning himself up to save others.

Always controlling himself. Always standing on his own leash. Never giving more than he has to. And Kaeya pinning him with difficult situations hadn't just been about a game.

It has been forcing him to stay grounded. He pops his shoulder and says,] Learn and adapt. I can’t keep going like this. I wouldn’t treat a sword the way I treat myself.

[He has to forge all the fractured pieces of himself into something new. The twisted wreck he has used for a self since his father’s death isn’t going to work. Not any more. He shakes his head.] It starts with letting myself off my own leash.

[torpour]

A leash is only useful if there's someone else holding onto it. But it seems like there's no one like that for you. [not even his lover is that for him, he thinks. otherwise this conversation would have been entirely different. diluc wouldn't have been acting like this, acting as if all of these were revelations if this were not the first time he had these thoughts.

nehan sighs, and straightens as much as he can. not that his height is anything to write home about.]

If you desperately want one... I will make sure that you do not need it.

[searingwing]

[The ugly truth is his father used to be the one holding his leash. He forged an heir into a weapon, utterly loyal and full of faith and ambition to carry out what was once thought of as their dream.]

I want to learn to do without the leash. It hasn’t served a purpose other than hold me back for a long time.

[Since the death of his father. His father had loved him, that isn’t a lie. But he had made sure his heir would be caught in the ties and words he said. How long has the shadow of Master Crepus been sitting at the head of the family? He shakes his head once and straightens. A new determination lives in his eyes. He will dedicate himself to this new path.]

[torpour]

There are many different ways to do that. One is to start from the very beginning, and learn who you are, then test yourself and your principles against something that tries to force you to shed them. [in a similar way to the way the clan used to train its children. but nehan has no interest in drugging diluc to make him lose control.]

Another is to become even more powerful, because strength and control come hand in hand.

I prefer the second, by the way.

[searingwing]

I prefer the second. That is the method I’m familiar with. And we can I’ll afford the journey of the first in a place like this that takes what hurts inside us and uses it against us.

[And this place distorts their minds and bodies. He reaches up and presses a hand to his chest.] …more than once.

[torpour]

[well... he made the right choice. nehan takes a deep breath, complete with his nostrils flaring, before releasing his breath in a long, slow exhale.]

The first is how the youth become lauded as proper, contributing members of the clan. Everyone underwent it at some point or another. But you are not of the Karm clan. [and nehan has broken enough of their principles. he's said what he wanted about them, and he's called them outdated, their traditional ways and close-mindedness their downfall... but the principles they always stood by have always been rock-solid, no matter how far the clan drifted from them over the centuries.

nehan is relieved that diluc refused.]

I wouldn't have done that to you even if you got down on your knees and begged me. Remember that always, and never change your mind.

[searingwing]

I am not. [He agrees as his hand falls from his chest. His mind stills as a calm settles over him.] I am a Ragnvindr.

And it’s time to put Father’s ghost to rest. [He has to think and reflect. If he is to cut the leash then he has to temper the sword that is his soul. Being stronger will serve as the hammer.]

I promise to give you my all.

[torpour]

Then I want you to work on your footwork, until the next session. [as if that was a signal, the wolf stands, bringing with it nehan's crutch and cloak, and the erune leans over to tug the cloak around his shoulders.]

This one is over, you have a lot to think about. Next session, I expect you to come with a clear mind and lighter feet.