deercountry | January Catchall [OPEN]

Entry tags:

January Catchall [OPEN]

Who: Lance (

azurestar) and OPEN
What: Catch-all log for January.
When: All of January
Where: All over Trench.

Content Warnings: alcohol and drug use, risky behavior, symptoms of PTSD and trauma induced hallucinations etc., memory loss, shedding of skin to alter one's body and all the psychological issues that comes with, traumatic memory share, lockjoint, will add more specific warnings as they arise.

SNAKE DEN

i. [Lance frequents the Red practically every night it's said to be hosting the talent and fashion shows. He only gets on the stage when he's in different forms, though. In the second week of the month, he's a catboy thief from a tabletop fantasy game called Monsters and Mana. On stage, as this persona he'll grab a guitar and start singing extremely well and captivatingly as he walks through the audience and uses his tail pick pocket the onlookers. He can also be found chatting people up and lounging in booths with beautiful ladies in this form and letting them pet his ears... yes, he's purring when that happens.

In the middle of the month, he's a bit younger, back to who he was before he went to space at the age of 17, and he'll be getting on stage to show off his acrobatic and dance skills, as well as his musical skills. He'll descend from the ceiling from bolts of fabric around his legs and waist, with his guitar in hand, spinning around slowly and playing with a rose in his teeth. He'll then toss the rose to the prettiest person in the audience an start singing and dancing quite well once he reaches the ground.

Also in the middle of the month, he's a beautiful young woman for a short stint. In this form, he does singing and dance routines, showing off his high notes and also gets in the fashion show, the outfits he gravitates to look like this, this and this. He can also be spotted mingling in the crowd dressed nice and downing champagne flutes and charming everyone.]

ii. [As a paleblood, people will be extra compelled to open up to him and tell him the truth in this space, and in all his shedded forms he's pretty good at active listening if the subject is heavy enough. He may also offer to help ease pain if someone is hurt or emotionally suffering, as that's the paleblood power he has when touching people skin on skin. At first he'll be confused about people just dumping all their truth on him, but eventually he'll start to figure it out and definitely take full advantage with some people he knows or is curious about.

He'll sidle up to anyone who looks interesting or he wants to get to know, and especially to existing friends and go:] Sooo, got anything you wanna get off your chest, maybe?

[It will be easy to mistake him for a working nightwalker, feel free to proposition him for anything.]

iii. [In all his forms detailed above, he'll be available for a private conversation or interaction as even he needs some time to sit and chill out. Often, he'll be laid back in a more private area just strumming on his guitar and casually singing random lyrics that come to mind. Because of his empathic powers, what he's unconsciously singing about may feel specifically tailored to your life, especially if he touched your skin and took some suffering or pain from you no matter how small. If he hasn't touched you recently, then the song may still feel relevant to you and like the notes being played hit you in your soul, but it's not as deeply specific.

Lance doesn't realize he's doing this, he still doesn't have control over his powers and has not figured out how to consciously channel them. When he notices someone's emotional or physical presence, he'll stop playing and look over, brows drawn together.]

Uh hey, looking for something? Maybe someone~?

[He waggles his eyebrows a bit and smirks on that last bit. Could be he means someone else, or himself and is implying you should stay a while and hang out with him. Either way, he's not bothered and oblivious to what he was just doing that got your attention. If you'd like specific lyrics and a musical tone/genre for your character, just describe the emotions/situation they are experiencing that Lance would be singing about in prose and let me know.]

SHEDDING CEREMONY

iv. [Later in the month, Lance sheds into a full AU of himself where he isn't human, but a highly advanced Android that didn't know he was an Android until very recently. Many things in his life are the same, and he remembers Deerington, but through the perspective of an Android Lance with slight differences to his background and certain edits to what he experienced. From his perspective, he's just returned from a big "canon update" where he discovered what he is and is understandably shook.

He can be found overcompensating as he walks through the streets of Trench or enters various venues to shop, shooting finger guns at every person he sees. This is normal, he's normal, he's totally a person and not a thing with no soul. But the mechanism that keeps his head attached to his body is disrupted after he recently tested taking it off and promptly freaked the fuck out, he didn't put it back on entirely right, so all it takes is someone or something jostling him and- POP! His head comes off and rolls up to your feet.

He looks up at you from the ground looking like he's barely keeping his shit together and trying not to freak out as he blinks and then laugh so nervously and through a tight anxious throat, that he chokes on it.]

Hey, l-looks like I lost my head a second there...

v. (closed) [Vary late in the month, Lance is a merboy! He sheds to the form in the night, and all his memories are shifted slightly, he doesn't know where he is and believes belongs with Mariana ever since arriving in Trench. In his version of history, many things are the same, except that he had his DNA messed with on an ocean planet and gained the ability to turn into a mer. He struggled with the feral nature of that side for a long time and coming to Trench, steeped in blood pollution caused him to perma shift into the merman state and heavily bond with the Ocean. Naturally, this was startling and scary to him to wake up in a strange place and he started freaking the fuck out when woken.]

vi. [After merboy Lance is brought back to Mariana, he is actually quite happy to talk to people who come by the docks, he'll pop up out of the water and grin with all sharp teeth and flirt, Mariana sometimes assisting him further out of the water by lifting water with him in a cone. But his flirting is sometimes meant to lure in victims... yes, he's one of those siren types of merpeople. Sometimes, he's harmlessly interacting and interested in having some fun, others... he's hunting.

If he's not directly targeting you on the docks, you can catch him in the middle of luring a poor sailor out of their boat and into the water with him. If you call out to interrupt, he'll look over at you with a death glare and his hands fisted in the person's shirt as he's in the process of pulling them in.]

Ohoho you better not be interrupting us right now. Can't you see we're having a moment??

UNSNAKELY

vii. [Lance has taken a liking to Madam Generosity as she slithers through the streets. He feels comforted by her and talks to her as she goes, running to try nad keep up. Then, it doesn't take long before he's just riding on her back every now and again throughout the month, no matter what form he's taken or what memories he has (excluding merboy). Catch him lounging on his back with his hands up and pillowing the back of his head and ankles crossed like he's on the beach, definitely flirting with the giant snake.]

So, how's your day going, beautiful? Heading anywhere interesting?

viii. [Because of his affection for Madam Generosity, he does fall into the unsnakely's traps more than once and in multiple shedded forms (all but merboy). And unfortunately, his star powers are still not working correctly, even after he's shedded, and in some forms he has no powers at all, so when he follows the trail to find the snake of his heart, he's not the most prepared for when a giant fiery beast emerges to attack.]

AHHHH!

[Immediately, he leaps out of the way of a fiery attack and covers his head protectively. Then he hops up and looks around for any assistance or weapons or ideas. Regardless, he's taking a stance and rolling up his sleeves.]

Alright, let's do this.

[And if he's in a body that has powers and/or combat training (regardless of their functionality), he'll stand his ground. If he's his younger, early canon self or his catboy self, he'll immediately run for his life after saying that.]

WINTER MOURNINGS

ix. [Possible memories from Deerington open in the thick of a jungle where many of them were forced to battle each other much like in the Hunger Games. This is where he ate a man, killed his friend Moira and where Reaper tortured him to death in revenge and he'll look around at the place they end up, look at you, then at the area again...] Nope. Bye.

[And with that he turns to walk away into the jungle. And if it's not the jungle you found yourself in, it's the streets of Deerington during darker periods such as October's blood filled streets or something that looks more benign and normal but definitely isn't. He'll have no idea what is about to happen and that makes him fidgety. He looks around uneasily and then his hands come up to his head.] Maaan, this could be anything!

x. [The experience begins in his memory and the first thing you see is the inside of a very futuristic space ship, fighter cockpit, or you're in the back seat of a land rover on earth. These possible memories are from his time back home and they have him sighing next to you heavily with a note of "oh this again" on his breath.] Well, let's strap in, this'll be over soon.

WILDCARD

( Want to combine old Winter Mourning Prompts with current events? Want to add a lockjoint element to one of these prompts? Or just wanna come up with something completely unique? Hit me with anything your heart desires. Current Event and last month's event prompts are largely flexible with each AU form as well, if you want a specific AU form for a prompt that doesn't specify which one/leaves it open, just let me know in the subject line. If you'd like to plot, I would be more than happy to! Contact me on my plotting comment where I detail all my ideas so far, at spypigeon or on discord at charley#8222! )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Keith growled a little. He was trying.]

I've only been like this for a few days. I can't guarantee anything.

[Which, really... he couldn't. It was one of the reasons he'd come down this way hoping the place was empty. Keith stepped back to the opposite side of the dock, leaning against one of the pilings. He rubbed his forehead, trying to fight off a headache.]

I don't know if this is a good idea... I mainly came here looking for quiet. I just...

[He sighed.]

I can't deal with hearing so many people around me.

[And sure, Lance's thoughts were pretty chaotic, but it was one person... or at least, it was coming from one person. Keith took a deep breath. Focusing on one person was a lot easier than focusing on a whole street full of people.]

I don't even know if you'll know what I'm asking about right now.

[Lance frowns and then cautiously pulls himself up just enough to rest his arms on the dock. One he bends back enough so he can prop his cheek on one clawed hand. Truthfully, he can understand that, though he feels like he knows Keith well enough to figure that it's especially hard for him just given who he is.

Still, he's not happy about the idea that his thoughts can be read, but at least he knows they aren't exactly easy to understand. He doesn't even really follow his own mind that well on days like this. Some days it's easier, more close to normal… but not quite.]

Yeah, yeah. I get it, alright? I can't turn off the empathy either. But I at least try to tune it out.

[He huffs out a breath and his nose crinkles as he eyes Keith again a bit like a wild animal that is behaving tame now but can lash out at a moment's notice.]

Well, you won't know unless you ask.

As if I'm not already trying... [Keith's tone was grumbly and frustrated. He was teetering a little from all the noise in his head, and his brain-to-mouth filter was starting to break down just a tad.

But he still managed to catch himself, and grit his teeth.]

Right. Fine.

[He sighed.]

What is... [Okay, so me might be a little afraid to ask, and, depending on Lance's current memory situation, it might not even be the real answer, even if it was true for this version of him... but he might at as well, right?] What is your issue with me lately?

[Lance stops himself from saying anything to Keith's grumbling about trying. Of course he's trying, Lance knows this, he's just a real moody bitch lately and especially right now when he's a feral fish boy.

But he's not heartless or without feelings for Keith… which is part of the problem, but also part of the solution. He can't bring himself to be too testy with him for too long because hurting him is worse than anything else. Even now when his memories are kind of… weird and messed up because of the fish thing.

And then the question comes and he straightens, his hands going back to dig his claws into the dock. The fins where his ears should be flatten back defensively.] Who says I've got an issue with you?

No one. [Keith lowered himself down into a crouch, wrapping his arms around his knees and using the piling to help him balance.] But you've been acting all hot and cold with me and I just don't know where we stand anymore. I thought we were friends now. But... it's like, half the time you act like I'm pissing you off, and half the time you're being nice and stuff.

It's confusing.

[Especially for someone like Keith, who had trouble reading social cues.

And, frankly, he probably wouldn't have even been spilling this out and asking if it wasn't for Lance's own paleblood influence on his words...]

[The only thing that prevents him from spilling all of the truth under the influence of their combined paleblood vibes is his terror that it'll ruin what's left of their friendship. Everything about Keith is painful, but he can't say he's at a place where he wants to shove him out of his life. It's a huge point of conflict, and so complicated… how does he even begin to explain it?

But god, the compulsion to be honest is strong and he is visibly going blue in the face holding his breath. He sits there and holds his breath to try and control his words, tells himself to just leave…]

S-sometimes I want to… to- [Hold you close, kiss your hair. He squeezes his eyes shut and grips the dock harder, claws creating grooves. Then he just powers through.] We went through a lot together in Deerington, we got… really close. There's… things you used to know about me that I felt like nobody else could ever understand. And now that's gone forever. And it hurts. And I'm angry because you left. I know you didn't choose to leave Deerington, but you've left before! You left the team and I wasn't good enough to fill the hole! And- and you're a jerk with bad hair!

[By this point he's pulled himself higher on the dock to get in Keith's face and his tail is thrashing in the water behind him. And he's crying. Then he seems to realize all these things and all at once he slides down back below the surface. But he doesn't swim away, if Keith looks over the edge he will see him down there.]

[That was a lot more than Keith had bargained for. Forget about any of the stuff racing through Lance's head and slamming into Keith's skull. He had enough trouble parsing what was just shouted at him in a flurry of emotion. He pulled back, all the way until his head was pressed against the wood behind him, eyes wide as Lance let loose, and then couldn't move for a good several seconds once he was gone beneath the surface.

He took a moment to catch his breath. The only reason he knew Lance hadn't gone and swam away was because he could feel the swirl of feelings and thoughts spinning below the dock like a whirlpool.

He closed his eyes, trying to process it, but then pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes to try fighting off the coming migraine. After a bit, he slowly and cautiously crawled forward, as the feral undertone of Lance's current form was definitely there, too, and Keith could see those claw marks in the edge of the wood. He bit his lower lip and slowly peered over the edge.]

... Lance...?

[They'd hashed out something like this before... Keith could remember floating in space, stranded after they'd been caught in a storm of some sort and blown away from their Lions into empty space. They argued, Lance calling Keith out for having left the team even back then.

Keith wasn't proud of it, but he'd felt it was the best thing at the time. He hadn't known Shiro was a clone. He was just Shiro, and everyone kept siding with him during conflicts, and Keith was just failing left and right as a leader. He'd honestly thought it was best. Once he knew Shiro could pilot the Black Lion again, well... Lance's math had been right.

Six Paladins.

Five Lions.

Keith wasn't needed. He could do more for the war effort with the Blades.

So... he left. And it had hurt like a bitch. But it was better. Right? After all, it was his choice. The team wasn't kicking him out. He was making the decision for them. It was what they wanted... Shiro to be the leader.]

Lance, I-... [He sat back on his heels.] It was better for you guys. At least, I thought it was. You had Shiro back as the leader. I wasn't any good. You needed someone better than me. [But even that...]

I'm sorry I'm not the Keith that was in the dream with you. If... If you want me to leave you alone, I will.

[Fish hearing means that the water doesn't distort Keith's voice when he's under there. There's a difference, but he can hear him clear as a bell where he curls up on the dark bottom beneath the docks. His head and memories are so muddled since the blood pollution shifted him into this state permanently. But for the first time in the couple months since it happened, he feels like he's touching upon something more human.

And it's terrifying.

He does the aquatic version of hyperventilating down there as he tries to get a grip. Of course he's known on some level that Keith felt that way, felt like he wasn't a good leader. Even when he left, he'd known it. But it didn't stop it from hurting… and it didn't change that he wasn't a good red paladin and he was the one who should've left. Things would've been better that way, they could have avoided so much pain.

And then there's the matter of the loss he feels, and he finds that he hates the way Keith says that last part enough that he swims back up. But he's under the docks now, not visible to Keith except if he looks through the slots between the boards. There's a blip of water shifting and a feral sound that comes from Lance's throat as he tries to swallow a hiss and fails.]

It wasn't better! And you're not a different Keith. You just forgot! Don't- don't say that!

[Because then the loss feels heavier. Like something closer to death, and he doesn't want to look at Keith and see him as an imposter. Some kind of alternate or a clone or… he's still his Keith, he feels it in his heart whenever he looks at him and that's part of why it hurts. He lets his mouth dip below the water so he can't say any more just yet, not trusting his voice. There's so much to be said about how Keith left and how Lance should've been the one to leave, but… given how much he's fighting through right now, that's something he doesn't have in him to examine and pick apart right now.]

Edited 2022-01-26 05:49 (UTC)

[Keith didn't move from where he was at the edge, squeezing his eyes shut as Lance hit him again with those words and feelings.]

Well, I'm sorry! [Keith snapped it back, sharp.] I don't know what else to do here! I'm sorry I was a bad leader. I'm sorry I left the team in a bad spot. I'm sorry I failed. I'm sorry I forgot!

What do you want from me? [Keith's voice cracked.] I hate this, Lance. I hate that you don't want to be around me anymore. [Sure, they had a rocky friendship, but that didn't mean Keith didn't care for Lance. He'd finally wrapped his head around the fact that they could bicker and tease, and it was a good thing. It was comfortable. They no longer hated each other.]

You know what? Maybe I should just go... [Keith stood up.] You can come talk to me when you're done being a fish.

[Lance's claws dig into the post hard as Keith goes on like that and he grits his sharp teeth hard. This version of him never got star powers, just a luck of the draw. But as a trade off, the feral fish side gives him a shorter fuse and he can sometimes turn violent and then regain his senses later to find he hurt someone.

This isn't making him feel violent, but it's stirring frustrations and pain and grief and so much more. Keith is frustrated, but this is what he wanted and now he's leaving?! Lance hiss-snarls loudly and dips under the water to come back up on the dock, and he's mad.]

So things get a little too hard and you just walk away, again, huh? This is what you asked for, Keith! You wanted to know what my deal is and I told you! And you think you hate this? Imagine if your mom forgot those two years on the whale, or if Shiro forgot all the important moments that made you family… [He chokes a bit on his own emotions for a second and takes in a sharp breath. Lets it out.] I'm… I'm sorry I've been a jerk, I just… I don't know how to…

[The strength that had pulled him up onto the docks also had his tail coming up and coiling around one of the posts. And when that strength leaves him, he goes to slump down back into the water, but then his claws scramble as he realizes he's stuck. He clings to the dock in an awkward lean as his tail is sort of… stuck in the chains looped on the post. How that happened, he has no idea. So now his tail is caught on the dock, his arms are clinging and his torso is hanging down brushing the water.]

…Sh-shit.

[Keith clenched his teeth, his lips parting to bare them slightly as the emotions flowing between the two of them became harder and harder to separate in his own mind. He wanted to scream back, demand from Lance how they could fix it, and still, as Lance dragged his mother and Shiro into it, it was like a stab to the heart.

He wasn't ready to let go of that anger. He clung to it, even as Lance ran out of steam and moved to sag back into the water... only to get stuck somehow, tangled up in the moorings.

It was utterly ridiculous, and, as hard as Keith tried to stay mad, tried to come up with a snarky comment, he couldn't. Keith from a few years ago? Probably yes. But now?

He stared for a second at that tail, and how Lance had to cling to the side of the dock, his anger slowly ebbing away as Lance's own frustration and panic took over. He took a deep breath in through his nose and slowly let it out. Then he turned, crouching down next to the piling to examine how Lance might have gotten tangled up.]

What the heck did you do? [He was trying to keep that anger between them, because now it would hurt to let it go, to admit that Lance's words had cut deep, but it wasn't working very well.]

[Lance has half a mind to just… let the part of him that's not stuck fall the rest of the way into the water and just… stay there forever. Just let him become one with the ocean or something. Rot away and maybe come back as a cat who can just sleep in Hunk's lap all day and not care or worry about stupid shit like feelings and…

And yet, he keeps his claws dug into the wood and his chin on the dock. He's not a weak person, in fact as a merman, he's incredibly strong. He can probably pull himself all the way on the dock easily, but he just… doesn't feel up to it. Like when you scream out a bunch of anger and the depression bubbles up from the deep to punch you in the face and make you feel like you weigh a ton.

He looks over to Keith, expression not unlike a sad and tired dog, wounded and caught in a bear trap. Then he looks away with a frown and a blush. Despite all the heavy things he's feeling this is… embarrassing.] Well, I got stuck, obviously. You gonna help me or what?

Duh. I can see that. But how?

[Keith sighed, not even bothering to answer the question about helping. Even with how angry they were at each other, he wasn't going to just leave Lance dangling there like bait for some bigger monster to come up out of the sea and eat him. He wasn't cruel. Angry, yes... but not cruel.

He leaned around, poking and carefully tugging, actually trying not to hurt Lance as he examined the various chains and ropes that were used to hold boats to the dock. Everything was cold. Keith had gotten used to not feeling it the past few weeks, and now, poking at damp, slightly frozen metal chains was making his fingers feel numb and start to ache. He rubbed his hands on his pants a few times to combat it and warm them up as he kept looking to see where he could try loosening things up to help get Lance's tail free.]

This is a mess. How does anyone even use this to moor boats?

Doesn't matter, let's just fix it.

[He says hastily, still extremely heavy feeling and embarrassed. And also he just doesn't know, he was too busy yelling at Keith and sometimes his tail just does shit like that. It has a mind of its own and coils and moves with his emotions and shit, he doesn't know.

Now he's getting tired of just dangling, so he summons the will form somewhere deep down and pulls himself up. With the way his tail is twisted up and caught, he has to lay on the dock on his side and then twist at the waist to look over his tail and see what Keith is doing. Experimentally, he tries moving his tail to jog some of the ropes and chains loose, and manages to free his main fin from where it was folded and tucked under a chain.

He winces a bit as he feels something pull at his scales unpleasantly and ah yes, as he raises the end part of his tail up to inspect, he is bleeding. But at least the fin isn't torn, that would suck.]

Better question: how does anyone moor boats with this without slicing their hands open?

[Keith saw that blood, and winced in sympathy.]

Stop moving. You're gonna make it worse.

[He shifted positions, having to lean over Lance to see around the back of the piling. Try as he might, he couldn't balance without leaning his hip against Lance's stomach.]

Sorry.

[He apologized for the contact, but he didn't have much of a choice if he didn't want to fall in. And, not being a coldblood at the moment meant that water was going to be really cold this time.

He found a knot in the rope part, so he started working at it to loosen it, hoping that it would also loosen the chains in the process.]

It's… fine.

[This is a little awkward considering they were just yelling at each other before. And the contact of Keith's hip against his stomach has him flushing slightly and wanting to recoil away. He digs his claws into the nearest groove in the wood to combat his emotions.

Truth be told, he suspects now that his tail got caught because he was winding himself up subconsciously to lunge at Keith. That's what he does now, he supposes. Just hurts and kills people he cares about. And this thought spiral has him not really saying anything else for a bit. There's logic in not moving, so he doesn't. He's tired anyway and lets himself go limp for the most part, lowering himself to lie completely on his side, not looking while Keith works to free him.

It's not long before the ropes and chains loosen enough where Keith started focusing in that he can feel like he has space to maybe move and get free. But he doesn't go for it just yet, last thing he needs is to open another wound. He's also starting to feel sluggish from being out of the water, but not dangerously so. His voice is dull and tired sounding when he speaks up again.]

Got it yet?

[Keith's voice was tight as he answered.]

Getting there.

[It was hard to push back against the flood of dark feelings emanating off Lance. Add to the fact that his fingers were cold and getting stiffer and number, it wasn't going great. The knots were harder to detangle the longer he worked.

And then his hand slipped.

It took a second to register, but, once it did, the cold made it hurt worse. Keith actually yelped a little, shaking his hand and then clutching it against himself before cursing under his breath. He was so close... and before Lance could ask if he was okay, he reached back up with his other hand and gave the dangling rope a good hard tug, setting the whole thing loose and freeing Lance's tail.]

There. You're free.

[He sat back, moving away from Lance so they weren't touching anymore to avoid that awkwardness, and then leaned against the same piling he'd been leaning against before. His own hand wasn't bleeding, thankfully, but he'd pinched it pretty good, and it would likely bruise later. Lance, on the other hand, was bleeding, so he unwound the scarf around his neck.]

Should probably get that to stop bleeding before you go completely back in the water.

[Lance looks up when Keith yelps, brows drawing together and then he pushes himself up on his hands again to get a look at what happened. But before he can say anything, Keith announces that he's free and he feels the ropes loosen all the way. A pause and then he shifts to pull his tail out from its coiled up state on the piling and sit up straight.

It's been a while since he just sat somewhere like a person instead of lurking in the water and hunting. He can tell Keith isn't bleeding at least because he's a predator, not unlike a shark, he can smell blood from far off. It's easier in the water, but at this distance on land he'd be able to smell it as well as he smells his own.

Still, he reaches out to grab Keith's wrist where he's unwinding his scarf and gently pull his hand over where he can see it. Just to check if it's broken. As he inspects, he shakes his head at Keith's concern about the bleeding.] It's just a scratch, dude. It'll heal over by the end of the day.

[Which means he probably shouldn't go back in the water until then. He knows about most of the dangers that lurk in there and any wounds usually means he has to beach himself for a while to truly be safe. Feeding on people also speeds the healing process, but right now… his feral side has receded farther back than it has in months since this conversation started and he's trying not to think about the fact that he's eaten people.

Satisfied that Keith's hand isn't broken, he lets go of it and shifts to wind most of his long tail around himself on the dock. The bleeding part on the end is still within Keith's grasp to bind if he still wishes.]

[Keith stiffened his arm against Lance grabbing him. Even if he was being gentle, Keith was feeling stubborn and annoyed from earlier.]

I'm fine. [He's been around Shiro too long in his life.] It just hurts because because it's cold out here.

[He pulled back as Lance released him and then gingerly pressed his scarf against the scratch on Lance's tail to stop the bleeding, using his other hand instead. Just... get that to stop, and then... He didn't know.

He'd tried. He'd tried to talk, he'd tried to figure things out, and it was backfiring spectacularly. Just like always. He could feel himself pulling in on himself emotionally, disassociating, putting walls up... protecting himself. Yeah, he wanted to run, just like last time when he ran to the Blades to avoid the team kicking him out.]

I-... I'm sorry I brought this up.

[There. That would work, right? And then maybe he could bail on this without any real repercussions. They could revisit this when they were both... less fucked up. As if.]

[Lance frowns slightly when Keith pulls away like that, but he doesn't comment or try to hold on. From what he can tell in that brief moment it's fine… probably. He looks down as Keith presses the fabric into his tail and for the first time in a while, wishes he could just… shift to human. Being a feral fish has been easier, nice to get lost in. But now he's sort of stuck on the docks until that heals and being out of the water too long isn't great.

He also knows he's been dealing with surges of corruption for some time and perhaps that hasn't helped. Right now, the corruption clouding his head is somehow lower than he remembers from a couple weeks ago. Perhaps that's because he'd shedded to this form and before that… before that maybe his pre-shedded self was in a better place? He doesn't know, this is all so confusing.

Maybe it is better if Keith just leaves this time. He's been avoiding him anyway, right? But he knows now that he's been causing Keith distress because he doesn't know how to be around him without feeling like his heart is being shredded. And when his emotions get out of control, well…

In this form, it's the feral side that gets out of hand. When he's back to himself, he'll consider going feral better than going supernova. Still not ideal, but…

Either way, being cold or being combative is easier than letting himself feel all the things that trigger the worst. He can control being distanced, he can control being combative… he can't control grief. And he knows that Keith struggles in his own ways for his own reasons, being an empath helps him see that even clearer.]

You don't have to say you're sorry for asking why I was being a jerk. [He says softly, voice a bit hoarse. He already apologized for said jerk behavior, so he doesn't do so again, instead going for clearing a couple things up.] Keith… I don't hate you. I'm not even really mad at you for leaving, and definitely not for forgetting… and you didn't fail.

[Oddly enough, Keith would understand that. He'd been there in his life. It was why he'd gotten such a bad rep in school before Shiro sponsored him for the Garrison, because being a jerk and fighting other kids was easier to deal with than the grief of losing his father.

He didn't look up from Lance's injured tail right away, not until Lance said he didn't hate him. And, he definitely was listening... up until Lance said he hadn't failed.

His gaze dropped to the dock for a second before he looked back at the scarf, checking to see if the bleeding had slowed or stopped.]

Right. Which was why Shiro had to beg the Black Lion to let him pilot it again, right? Because I didn't fail the team by not being there. Besides, Shiro had all the better ideas, right? [He shrugged.] It's fine. We can't go back and change it now anyway.

[Keith had already settled in his mind that he'd just totally screwed everything up during his first attempt at Black Paladin, and that's why Shiro had been taken back by the Lion. That was why no one really argued for him to stay when he said he was going to head off on the mission with the Blades... why everyone always went with Shiro's ideas instead of his.

Shiro was the better leader at the time. Keith still felt he was at times, but they just had different styles, and he was settled into his own now. But he definitely failed the first run.]

I just... [He sighed.] I know I'm missing a lot. I know there's a lot you guys aren't telling me. [All of them, Shiro included. Keith had noticed.] But keeping secrets from each other isn't going to make things better. And, in this kind of place, we're going to need each other.

I'm not... I'm not going to push about it. But, just consider it, okay? [He leaned back, satisfied that the bleeding had stopped enough for now.] You guys are all I have here. I don't want to lose that.

[Lance's jaw clenches when Keith talks about how he failed and why. His memories of that time are really hazy since the fish thing clouded his head. In his AU version of things, he'd been battling this change of his physiology for a lot of the war and it did things to his memory. But there's some things that ring true to him now in hindsight and he's silent for a moment after Keith finishes saying his piece.

Secrets aren't the best, he'd agree. But he sees a lot of the things he keeps to himself as just private. Perhaps the only thing that's a real secret because it involves Keith his how their relationship changed. But as of right now he can't imagine revealing that going well. It's a lot to address… he starts at the top.]

We all failed, Keith. Yeah, you should've been there that day, but we didn't exactly do the best job at making you feel like you were important to us… I was supposed to have your back more than anyone. [He looks down at his hands on his lap and his tail coils tighter, fin lifting up to fan over his shoulders like a protective shawl as his poster curls inward more and his expression becomes pensive.] I keep feeling like there's more I'm not remembering from back then, being part fish has made everything so cloudy…

[He shakes his head to clear it of those frustrations. The agitation building is never good, it causes him to go more feral and aggressive. Then he lets out a shuddered breath and moves on.]

Ask me about it again if I ever go back to normal… [He then awkwardly, self-consciously rubs at his bicep.] And there's a difference between secrets and things that… hurt too much to talk about. And being around you hurts like crazy. I'm still so angry it feels like any second I'm gonna lose it and- and just… [His voice trembles as the honesty compulsion pushes him forward and his emotions bubble again. He forcefully swallows it down.] …I just need time. I'll try to… be less of a jerk… this is just really hard, alright?

[Well, Lance wasn't wrong. Keith hadn't felt important. There was the initial moment of shock when he came out and admitted he hadn't been feeling connected to them, and then... just... okay, go ahead. Not that Keith hadn't set them up for that. The one thing he'd done well was come up with a reason to leave, and put it out there in a way that made everyone think that was what he wanted.

Sure, he did on some level, but it still would have been nice to know that maybe they'd wanted him to stay. He scrunched his eyebrows a bit as Lance said it had been on them just as much as him, and then took most of it on himself. But, even with how things ended up that time around, it had been Lance who stepped up and grounded Keith, even while Keith was fighting with his grief and trying to replace the very man he was grieving.] You did... you helped me a lot while Shiro was gone.

[At the same time, though, they were both still working through the current changes this shedding thing was pushing them through, and Lance had a point. It was something Keith had been worried about when he first felt compelled to even bring all this up in the first place.

The shedding had affected their memories, and working this out when they were both... 'normal', whatever that was in this place... would be the better way to deal with it.

Keith nodded.]

Thanks. For at least telling me this much. I promised I wouldn't push, so... I won't. And, if you need some space, that's fine. [It just helped knowing that this wasn't something where he was losing a friend.]

[Lance huffs out a bitter sound when Keith insists that he helped him, but again his mind around a lot of things is so cloudy. There's no point in trying to argue the point when he's not even sure if they're entirely on the same page when it comes to how they remember things. He knows he was a different Lance not long before this… it's unsettling to think too long about.]

Maybe, maybe not. I might remember it differently in like a week and I guess this me won't exist anymore.

[It bothers him, but his posture and emotional and mental vibes make it pretty clear he's not really interested in exploring that existential and philosophical conundrum any deeper than that. His tail has curled more tightly around him, partly from his emotional state but also somewhat because he's been out of the water for a bit now and it's not… comfortable.

As Keith sticks to his promise not to push, he has to close his eyes in a pained way. It's appreciated, but also hurts because this what Keith does, he's always surprising him with how… amazing he is sometimes. He developed feelings for Keith flaws and all, but it's in these moments when his strength of character shines through the most that has his heart doing funny things. And now, those funny feelings hurt a lot.]

Y-yeah. Thanks… [He works his jaw a minute as his gills behind his fin ears start to itch painfully.] But maybe. Before you give me that space, just… help me get to the beach.

[Keith shrugged a little.]

I mean, there's all kinds of realities and timelines and universes, right? You'll always exist somewhere.

[And it was easy for Keith to pull back and give someone space. He was used to that because, not only does he sympathize with the need in general, he was just used to feeling like people didn't want him around. So, it was his default mode... keeping his distance.

He nodded at the request.]

Yeah. I can help with that.

[That was easy. A lot easier than, say, talking about feelings.]

You gonna be alright there on your own until your tail's okay for swimming? [He had to ask...]

Edited 2022-01-30 02:39 (UTC)

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