can't relax at all these days [temp closed]

[hauntedsavior]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: February event catchall
When: February
Where: Anna's house, more locations as they come in

Content Warnings: Violence, violence a second time, sexual content, more as they come in

a. a dream plays a song out of tune [closed to satoko and kainé]

Well, texting a witch who looks several years her junior for 2AM cuddle sessions is not necessarily Anna's best plan, but she doesn't really know anyone else who's good for it. She could ask her new roommate, sure, but... ha. Yeah, right, like K is interested in cuddling. She'd probably just call Anna a fucking loser and tell her to go hug a pillow. Which leaves this text hanging in the air.

Satoko.
You wanna come over?

And, because she can't just leave it at that, she sends something else that should probably already be obvious a moment later. It must be something about the moon this month that's making her chest ache for physical contact. Maybe it's just February. She hasn't had a reason to celebrate the 14th in a long time and doubts anyone around here celebrates it either, but that doesn't stop her mind from wandering.

Having another rough night.

Now to wait. Should she warn Satoko about anything? Probably not.

((right now this is closed but i will add more open prompts as my brain begins to work better))

Comments

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé knows, all too well, that she's far from the only person that's gone through hell. Not the only person forced to bear grief and desolation, to have their bodies and souls warped. It is the case for Anna too. And for that android who is also Anna. Kainé is a tremendously empathetic soul, but she rarely spares the same kindness for herself. And so she usually holds herself apart even from those she cares deeply about. She's the filthy one. She's the only one who needs to bear her suffering.

But... little by little, there are moments that have changed that. Emil certainly did. Even Weiss. And Anna... it's because she was able to so decisively take hold of Kainé's heart that the fear of betrayal, of being used and tossed aside as something not worth really caring about, are so great. ]

I barely know what any of that stuff means. [ She has a rough idea, though. ] I just want all us freaks and abominations and sad run-down bitches to live. To not hate their lives so much, even if its just a little.

[ But little by little, she starts to calm, as some of that agonizing curse is cleared away. There are still secrets, still desires boiling in her heart but... she feels a little safer, if she needs to reveal them. ]

...I know this damn curse has got us by the throats. I don't hate you wanting me. [ Sidelong, she meets Anna's eye before looking off into the distance again. ] But I... thought that maybe that's all you want from me after all. If that's you confessing. That I'm just a cheap lay. A replacement. And you'll just throw me away, sooner or later, when you find a better one. I mean, who wouldn't?

[ Even as she says that, with a bitter laugh, her hand tentatively ventures out, resting over Anna's. Rough with callouses, a hard life of fighting and toiling. Her heart pounds wildly. This isn't easy. But if they're already here... well, they need to get rid of this curse anyway. And she wants to be with her so badly. She can't pretend that she doesn't. ]

I... want to matter more than that. I want you to understand me. But I don't know... if I deserve that.

[hauntedsavior]

[she takes a moment at that, this time focusing on the things that make kainé different. it's not hard to do. it's the tone of her voice and the weight of her hand on anna's. it's the actual conversation they're having together, something that no geteilt or lehmann has ever been good at. but it's easier to coax out these words, curse or not, when the vulnerability is so easily on display. and it's not as frightening to be known, either. not when it's her. not when it's them.]

[the differences outweigh everything else easily. more easily than anna was prepared for. her leg shifts, comes up on the bed like she's about to turn around and face her roommate, but she doesn't. not yet.]

I don't want a replacement. And I couldn't find one even if I did. You only figure out you're gay once, right? [she sounds like she's on the verge of a breakthrough. it's something she wants to discuss, but not now. not in the middle of all of this. there's other things being drawn out of her now.]

I want to let you understand me. I want to stop being afraid of letting people in just because I've had so many people taken away from me. And I just...

[this is when she turns herself around, tucking both legs beneath her. her hand slips out from underneath kainé's as she does, but she puts it back on top of hers so the metallic fingers can gently weigh down her hand, too. it isn't the same as a flesh and blood skin to skin thing, but maybe it doesn't have to be.]

I'm not good. At relationships. But I want to show you that you're worth trying for. Because whether it's me or not, I think you deserve someone being able to understand you.

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé can scarcely believe that she's even having a conversation like this. Letting her guard down like this, the way so much of her life has trained her not to. Speaking of things that she's ashamed of. But it's happening, that's what matters. She can't overcome her uneasiness but... this is easier than she expected. Anna is saying things that she's felt herself, the same fears and yearnings. She wants to understand Anna, too. She wants so much from her. ]

We really are alike, huh? [ Kainé shifts on the bed, closes her eyes for a moment before continuing. ] I— I've lost so many people. Getting close... that shit hurts. It scares me. Every time I lose somebody, I lose a part of me. [ Her voice is soft and low, still unable to escape the weight of grief. She looks over to Anna, sidelong.] But I think it's too late for that. I just keep getting drawn in anyway. It's like you said. You're already stuck with me. I just... I'm still scared.

[ And now she does look at Anna, and it's not with fury or bitterness. It's soft and kind. Like those little glimmers of affection she would have seen throughout their days. The weight of Anna's metallic hand is comforting over hers. ]

I don't— I can't put a name to all this shit yet, okay? I just... it's a lot, it terrifies the hell out of me, and we're both... bad at shit like this. But I wanna understand you. And I wanna stay with you.

[ So to make that point, Kainé closes the gap between them, and kisses her. ]

[hauntedsavior]

[the point is made loud and clear. and anna's mind goes racing about what this could mean. but it doesn't have to mean anything. it doesn't have to be a specific thing. it could just be... it could just be a kiss. but brandon flowers had something to say about things only being a kiss, didn't he?]

[she doesn't stay in it as long as she should. she wants to stay in it forever. it's her first kiss in years and she can't stop herself from leaning forward, pushing into it just enough to show that this is a good thing, and putting her hand on the back of kainé's neck while her other keeps her upright on the bed. it's only so she doesn't end up lost in it that she stops it, but only enough so her lips are brushing against kainé's when she speaks.]

Then we don't put a name on it. We just live like the freaks we are. [and she's back in the kiss before she can overthink that sentence. there's no time for other thoughts when she'd rather be letting the chemical flood bathe her desert brain.]

[foulhussy]

[ It's like a dam bursting when they kiss like that, a torrent of feelings kept suppressed too long roaring out in an all-consuming torrent. Kainé puts a hand on Anna's waist, feeling the solidity of her chassis beneath her shirt, her other resting on her back. ]

We'll figure it out. [ If Anna's kisses are restrained, Kainé's are greedy and desperate, the release from yearnings that she's buried for so long. She moans into the other woman's lips, right back in there the moment her words leave her mouth. It's not quite like anything she's felt before, nothing like previous encounters to relieve her urges, let alone the degradation that she would endure to fill her belly. It's connection, it's being home, it's defiance against a cold world. When she pulls herself away for a second, she's gasping for breath. ]

God damn. So, uh... Still up for having your insides rearranged?

[ If they've exposed themselves this much to each other, lowered their walls, and now that she's far more aware of the depths of Anna's feelings for her— she's more than okay with this. She wants it really bad, in fact. ]

[hauntedsavior]

[haha, holy shit. wow. uh.]

[wow.]

[anna is breathless the second time kainé pulls back and she needs a moment to recover from it. her entire body feels warm and what passes for her heart is pulsing, all in ways that she's surprised she hasn't forgotten the meaning of. she doesn't laugh when kainé brings the conversation back to the way this started, but she breathes out and it's hot and just a little amused. there is amazement in her eye as it tries to catch her whatever-they-are-now in its sight.]

Bitte.

[she crawls up towards her pillow and tugs kainé's arm to follow her, difficult as it might be to break the embrace they've found themselves in. (she never claimed to be any good at this.)]

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé is as formidable a lover as she is a Hunter. She starts things off pretty gentle to make sure Anna is comfortable, but once that is established, Kainé will be merciless and wild, peppering her body with kisses and caresses, paying special attention to those parts of her uncovered by flesh, and sheathing herself hard and deep. She gives and gives, ensuring Anna is utterly, absolutely satisfied. Possibly several times over, if that's what Anna wants.

She's passionate and energetic, making love with feverish intensity. She expresses all of that newly budding love that is so difficult for her to put into words, but which she can easily with her touch, her kisses, her eyes. A love vast enough to consume them both, a love that seizes Kainé like madness, a love that could crush her soul like a mace.

Eventually, she rolls flops to Anna's side onto the bed, glistening with a light sheen of sweat, chest heaving as she catches her breath. There's only one pillow, and she saves that for Anna. Instead she simply snuggles up against the taller woman's side, nuzzling into her shoulder in a way that utterly belies her rough image. Gazing dreamily at her with half-lidded gold eyes, a gentle and vulnerable expression. ]

...Wow. [ What does she even say? ] Hope that did the trick.

[hauntedsavior]

[anna is out of practice and that much should be obvious, but she hasn't been out of the game that long and kainé is making it very easy to draw these forgotten tendencies out of her. it's foolish to describe any of this as healing, but god, it feels so freeing to be able to exist in a space like this with someone else. to not be afraid of what others would think. to give voice to what she wants and have it heard. and yes, the thing that she opened the conversation with, but this was never just about getting railed.]

[what does she even say? anna feels. amazing. the curse that's been hanging over her has lasted far longer than just this one month. it's strange to be rid of its weight, but the weight replacing it is far nicer. and she just hopes that kainé feels the same but somehow, mysteriously, she's pretty sure she does. she trails her fingers through kainé's hair and starts off looking towards the ceiling before her head gently turns. there's a quiet twinkle in her eye and god help her she's smiling so purely, so gently.]

I'd say so. [she sounds tired, but after how vocal she'd decided to be, that's not a surprise. what words are left?] God, K. I feel better than I've felt in ten years. We need to do more things together.

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé is more raw energy than technique herself, but she's deeply in tune with Anna's needs and reactions, single-mindedly determined to let her feel as good as possible, to feel the same exhilarating freedom that she does. For Kainé at least, there is a kind of healing to have confirmation that she can feel this way and be so deeply connected with another. That even a dirty creature like her is capable of having this love in her heart. She's rarely felt so content.

She hums softly as Anna's fingers card through her hair, reaching for her other hand to lace their fingers together, warm flesh with cool metal. Embarrassing as it is to show such unfiltered affection, she returns a small and peaceful smile. She's so happy to see that she's made Anna feel this way. ]

Yeah. [ It took a lot out of Kainé too— she was just as loud, and did far more moving. ] I feel good. Like... a bunch of stuff got washed away. [ More than just the more recent corruption. ] Like I'm cleaner. I... I want to be with you more, Anna. I never knew I could be like this.

[hauntedsavior]

[jesus. she can't remember the last time anyone said that they wanted to be with her like this. certainly not from anyone who she'd just had a crying, screaming breakdown with. it's barely knowable, but it's her life now, and she doesn't have to understand it to appreciate it. she can just be here with kainé, letting each of them have something that neither thought they deserved.]

I thought I'd lost my chance. I thought there were a thousand off-ramps my life could've taken by now and I just missed every single one of them. [she is going too romantic with this too fast. she has to pull it back. they don't even have a name for what they are yet. come on, girl. get your endorphins in check. which is something she will attempt to do by speaking eloquently and carefully.]

Thanks for not being weirded out by all my stupid soul bullshit. I'm really glad you stayed. So we can learn more about ourselves.

[foulhussy]

[ Funny how that works, isn't it? Kainé in that moment had been certain that she'd been betrayed, that one of the few that she'd come to trust saw her as just something to be used. But here she is, and she doesn't think she could escape this orbit even she wanted to. She drinks in this feeling like cool water after a journey through the desert, and she knows Anna feels the same way. ]

I thought I was doomed years ago. No matter how often I wanted to hope otherwise, I... [ They'd given her that hope. That maybe her possession could be cured. But reality wasn't kind to them. ] Well, I guess that's fitting when you end up dooming the world, huh? [ This attachment scares her. One day fate will rip them apart, and she doesn't want to have live through the misery that will cause her. But at the same time, she can't exactly think of this connection is something negative, either. ]

No, I... trust me, I understand that shit. I was possessed for years. That cruel sonuvabitch in my head all the time, always whispering poison. So... it's both of us. [ She kisses Anna's shoulder. ] I... should have trusted you more.

[hauntedsavior]

[lips on skin. still a feeling that she's working on recovering, but there's warmth where it touches her that radiates through her and it feels like a wonder she ever let herself ignore this. it doesn't matter if, one day, they'll be separated. the harsh reality of the future does nothing to stop the celebratory bliss of the now. or something poetic like that.]

I understand why you didn't. An android you've never met comes out of nowhere and says your name to you, then starts talking about how she's got some of your memories inside her? [she almost laughs, and her diaphragm sinks with the air she puffs out.] I'm surprised you trusted me at all. But I guess maybe you needed to punch me in the gut to get here.

[her hand comes down to reach for the hand that had punched her; she kisses kainé's knuckles and, of the things she's done with her mouth this evening, this somehow makes her the happiest.]

Don't know if it's the best pillow talk, but you should tell me more about that asshole that lived in your head one of these days.

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé snorts a similar half-laugh, somewhere between amused and wistful. She really appreciates Anna's contrition. The seriousness with which she takes her feelings. Especially when Kainé does such a rotten job of indicating what those feelings might be, usually on purpose.]

Shit, you're right, you're shady as fuck. [ She huffs an actual laugh now. ] But really, you... don't have to blame yourself. That Pthumerian bitch already put you— us, through enough shit. You gave me a chance. I haven't gotten a lot of those. You made some half-feral basket-case yelling at her memories a part of your life. [ It's funny. They still can't stop each other entirely from self-disparagement. You can't fix that so easily. ] You— Look, I really owe you.

[ Kainé sighs softly as Anna kisses her knuckles, pressing closer into the crooks of her body. ]

Yeah... Someday. And you tell me about you, too.

[ But not right now. It's been intense enough tonight, enough sharp edges and exposed nerves. It's been good to open up, but she already feels terribly exposed. That explosion of emotion has left her even more tired than the sex has. With extreme reluctance, she extricates herself from Anna, sits up and stretches. ]

I'm going to wash off. Ah... [ How exactly does one ask for permission to sleep in the same bed without immediately combusting? ]

[hauntedsavior]

[it wasn't about anyone owing anyone anything. it was just about being people with emotions. existing in this world together. at least, that was how anna wanted to look at it, but she knew there was definitely going to be some time later when she thought she owed kainé more for doing less.]

[the immediate thing she notices once kainé gets up is the emptiness of it. how much it felt like her body belonged against her, their weights pressing down on the mattress together. how cold it was without her. she looks up, her eye tracking kainé slowly, and it's the weight of that "ah" that gives anna her opening. she phrases it like an offer, not an answer.]

You can come back here when you're done if you want. [she carefully pulls herself to a half-upright position while she talks.] Long way back to your room.

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé doesn't say anything in response. She just gives a quiet, almost imperceptible nod. She's glad Anna said it for her. Even extricating herself to wash off the sweat and... other things, feels as though she's going against all of her instincts. In that embrace, she feels whole. She feels like she fits into something. She doesn't even have to doubt that it may have been a mistake.

It wasn't, right?

She only takes a few minutes, just wiping herself clean with a washcloth before drying off. She'll bathe properly in the morning. She returns immediately, going to Anna's drawers and picking a shirt without asking, putting it on. She's naked beneath. Body heat should be enough to keep them warm. Kainé proceeds immediately to the bed, sitting beside Anna. It's hard to pull her gaze away from her face, the whole time. ]

We should get some sleep.

[hauntedsavior]

[in the meantime, anna's just. going to pick up her shirt from off the floor and throw it on over her head. it still smells like her, but she'd love for one of them to smell like kainé one of these days. in the low light she can tell it's her homesick tee, and for the first time in a few months, she doesn't... feel that way anymore.]

[god help her if she starts calling kainé her fucking home or something, but. christ. it sure sounds like everyone is singin' la, la la la, la la la. the point is that she's ready to fall asleep next to her roommate by the time they both get settled again, and the way that kainé is looking at her just begs to be returned.]

Yeah. We can figure out the right names for stuff tomorrow if we need it. [she doubts they will. she drapes an arm over kainé, letting the weight of it hopefully give some additional security just in case she's the same way that some other people anna's known have been.] Let's get some rest.

[there's a long pause while she debates over saying something else, but this one isn't cursed. it's just... embarrassing. but kainé has heard worse tonight.]

Thanks for making me feel attractive.

[foulhussy]

[ Kainé isn't exactly optimistic that they'll have this all sorted out and categorized tomorrow, but that's not really what matters. It's important for both of them to affirm that it will be okay. To pretend that there can be order and stability, even if they know there's no such thing. No haven can last forever, but for now, this belongs to them.

She nestles against Anna, once again feeling their mutant bodies fit together in a way that makes sense. Kainé can't help smiling. She's never experienced this kind of tenderness before, never thought it was possible for her to be held and cared for like this. She's so tired, but this time it doesn't just feel like fatigue forcibly dragging her towards unconsciousness. ]

Yeah. You're a damn knockout.

[ She knows precisely the feelings behind those words. That's why she can answer like that, an answer that comes from those same feelings. Not denying how Anna feels about her body, not telling her how she should feel about it. Just sincerity. That's all Kainé has to give her.

Within a few minutes, she's asleep in Anna's embrace. ]