deercountry | (no subject)

[He stares back stiffly, as he waits for an answer. He doesn't think he could blame Obi-wan if he turned away another mess from his doorstep.

Maybe it would even be a good thing. Kill the illusion of safety and security that part of him craves. Particularly the blurry, faded memories of a life with where he grew up with a home. Never went hungry. A family he never had any right to.

Those had always been a lie conjured up by a powerful, frightened teenager. A nice lie, because Billy Kaplan was a sweet guy who'd just wanted everyone safe.

But that didn't make it any less a lie than what Palaptine had offered him, a life with his parents.

He certainly shouldn't be here because he wants the simulacrum of a brother.]

...But you have a brother to think about.

[The real one.

He stands there for another long moment. Obi-wan wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. He wouldn't.

That's real.

Finally, he brushes past on his way in.]

[ his brow furrows in confusion, not quite understanding what ezra means and why he's hesitant. it seems there is something more weighing on the padawan's mind. gently, he lays his palms on ezra's shoulders, squeezing them slightly. ]

We are Jedi. We're already family.

[He'd been thinking the civilized thing to do would be to ask to borrow the bathroom to clean up better; he's probably tracking beast blood into the house, which just what Anakin doesn't need-

Instead, he just bursts into tears. In relief, because that was nearly exactly what he needed to hear. He leans into Obi-wan's touch, and gasps out between sobs-]

Sorry. Sorry.

[ oh ezra. his heart goes out to him as obi-wan gently holds him, letting the floods dry out. ]

There is nothing to be sorry for. What happened?

[But there is, he thinks - if only for the thoughts in his head and how much he falls short of his own expectations. But he just lets himself cry and be held, until he thinks he can level out his voice enough to talk.]

A beast. As big as a Purgill. Some of us with visions knew it was coming, so we prepared - I connected to it before it reached Trench. I thought maybe I could-

But it was so...lost, and angry, and in pain. I couldn't-

[He lets out another shuddering breath.]

We killed it.

[ ah. the loss of any creature is a blow. ]

You did what you could.

[Half muffled into Obi-wan's shoulder, because he isn't quite willing to detach, yet-]

I tried.

...I know there is no try.

[ obi-wan lets out a little huff. ]

When we say that, we say it with the belief that we put all our effort into it. And not plan for our defeat.

You did what you could.

[He does draw back at that, expression thoughtful.]

I. Yes.

I hear you.

I was already training with the fighters because it wasn't close enough for me to reach it, yet. But I did do what I could. When I could.

[ failure is a difficult thing to overcome. it took years for obi-wan to overcome his own and even then, they sneak up on him at times. no one is immune to doubt. ]

And you should believe in that. Believe in yourself.

[He grins, but it's a weak thing.]

Sounds like another one of those life-long goals Master Yoda mentioned.

It is something we all must keep pursuing.

Yeah. [He rubs a hand across his face and pauses with a grimace.]

I kinda came straight here. Can I borrow a change of clothes and make sure I'm not spreading contamination around?

And maybe we can talk some more?

Of course. I'm not sure I have anything your size but we will make do.

[ he leads ezra further inside. ]

Would you like some tea as well?

Thank you.

And yes, please. [He does not care what kind. He barely cares that it's tea, per se. It's more - Obi-wan is making him tea, and therefore things will be ok.]

I'll bring some clothes out shortly. Why don't you get tidied up?

[He shoots Obi-wan a grateful smile, nods, and then disappears into the bathroom. It takes him a while, despite not dawdling. He generally takes the danger of corruption pretty seriously, but it wasn't something he could do much about in a massive melee.

So, he's meticulous about cleaning up now he has the facilities for it, scrubbing down both himself and rinsing out his clothing. Still, as much as doesn't like to think it, since this is a set he was gifted from the Courscant Temple, maybe burning them would be the best option.

They were never going to last forever, he reminds himself.

And then he inspects the bathroom itself, and stops briefly to stare at the changes to his eyes.

Ok. Ok. He needs to deal with that, too. He'll figure it out.]

[ obi-wan returns promptly, sliding the change of clothes to ezra discreetly before taking a seat at the table with some tea. ]

[Eventually, he trails out in the too big set of fresh clothes. While he's pouring himself some tea, he suggests-]

Should probably be liberal with purifying incense for a while.

[And then he slides into a chair across from Obi-wan, hands wrapped around his cup.]

I've been in bigger battles. Worse battles. I don't why one feels so...

Trauma shouldn't be measured on a scale.

[ it doesn't matter how much larger or smaller they may be. they matter. to score them is insulting, but he gets ezra's point. ]

It is what it is.

Yeah.

[He takes a sip of his tea, before he shrugs and puts it down, and glances away.]

I also didn't come here. I thought about just...hiding. Forever, maybe.

...that might be the corruption talking. Not sure.

[ his voice comes out a little sharp. ]

What corruption?

[That makes him flinch, hard. He has to fight the impulse to bolt again.

It's a question, not condemnation. Right?]

Right. Sorry. Thought it was obvious. Or, once I got a good look at myself, I thought it was. Not sure if I picked it up trying to connect to the beast or during the fight.

[He waves a hand to his eyes.]

They should be pure blue.

[ that's not a good sign. ]

Any idea how it happened?

[He blinks.]

Not sure of a specific moment; it was a long and chaotic battle. But, that's the thing with spilling beast blood. It's a pretty quick way to spread corruption. I'd be surprised if I were the only one in the group that took the Leviathan down who's been effected.

That's part of why going looking for beasts to kill doesn't make much sense to me.

Edited 2022-03-05 01:36 (UTC)

CW: memory alteration

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