deercountry | (no subject)

"But it hasn't happened. It may never happen here," he insists.

"There's no point in telling people about the terrible things that they might do, or might happen to them. I told Obi-wan about the chips in the troopers because of the lack of choice involved."

"On the other hand," she said, not argumentative, just trying to be a sensible observer. "If you knew you made a mistake and bad things happened because of it...wouldn't you want the opportunity to make a different choice?"

At least, she thought that made sense. Ariadne didn't make mistakes often, but when she did, she could spend weeks ruminating over the different ways she could have acted, the ways she could have been better.

Maybe that was just her. Always thinking about possible futures and the like.

"I know Obi-Wan didn't have anything to do with the...chips? Chips. But knowing how that story ended could possibly prepare him for something else that might happen here. There's something about knowing what's possible...it...becomes a consideration. Makes you better at strategizing."

Ezra was silent for a long moment.

"Even before I left the galaxy I come from, I was prone to visions. It's...tricky knowing possible futures. You can strategize, yes. I agree, it can definitely work that way."

He sucks in a breath, and continues, slowly, trying to pick his words carefully. "Ideally...there's a school of thought, at least - that's what a Jedi, in balance with the world and themselves, does. Through their connection to the Force, they find the time and place they are needed most, to do what is needed to create positive change. That's what I was trying to do, when I ended up leaving my family behind."

"I suspect that's a much harder ideal to live up to in a place like this," she said. "Where the variables and faces are always changing."

She turned back to the view, debating how much she wanted to get into this next part. Ezra had been honest with her--as far as she could tell. And she wanted to be honest in return.

The problem was, she'd never had to explain this to anyone before. She wasn't sure she knew how to find the right words.

"Back home," she said, "while I would never call anything...predictable...things fell into certain patterns. And I was always very, very good at seeing those patterns. A lot of people thought it was luck that I always picked the right cup in a shell game or the exact perfect time to walk into a room to overhear some important information. But it wasn't luck. Just probability. I knew how to make the perfect possible future. But here? I can't really do that any more. Not the same way."

And it scared her at first. Not being able to predict things. But she began to enjoy it. Appreciate it. And, on occasion, even look forward to a nice surprise. No one ever surprised her in Valeria.

"Trench is a test. And we have to adapt in order to pass it, I think."

He openly stares at her for a moment.

"That sounds...a lot like how everyday prescience that isn't full on visions can work for Force-sensitives. And no, it's not as easy to get in tune with it for me, here, most of the time."

She turned to look at him, before looking back at the horizon. Then did a little bit of a double-take. Why was he staring like that?

Ariadne smiled, feeling a bit self-conscious.

"Half of the people who wake up here find that their abilities from before are gone and have been replaced by one of the...the blood types. They've been altered at the most basic genetic or spiritual level. Either way. It's madness for them to try to be exactly as they were before. They have to find new ways of doing things." She shrugged. "I guess that includes both of us. And possibly your Jedi friends."

He picks up a bit on the self consciousness.

"Sorry. Just - not even other Jedi necessarily feel the tug of prescience as much as I did, for as long as I can remember. It's probably half the reason, minimum, I survived without anyone looking after me, for so long. It seems like something I should have...known, about you. Sensed somehow." He shrugs awkwardly.

"I'm not a Jedi," she said, with a lilting laugh. "I can assure you that." She was way too emotional for one thing. And craved attachments way too much, for another. "And like I said, I can't really do it here. Not unless the variables are extremely controlled."

Yes, she still won most shell games she encountered. But that was kind of the perfect example of controlled variables. And even then, there was always magic she couldn't account for.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that if the Force isn't working the way it used to, maybe rely more on your blood."

"Well, no, being a Jedi is both a matter of training, traditions, philosophy, and choice. There are - or were before the Empire - many traditions and philosophies related to Force sensitivity."

He should have said Force sensitive, not Jedi, he supposes. But it is the Jedi way that he knows best.

"I do still have visions. There's a flip side to that." His voice drops lower, and softer. "Part of why the Jedi emphasize being in balance with your emotions. You can also get caught up in fear. Maybe make a vision self-fulfilling. Or even make things worse, because you're just...reacting without thinking about the fall out from your actions, because you're so frantic for a different result."

And Anakin in the most reactive person Ezra knows, at least in the state he's been since Ezra came here.

"I guess it's a matter of personality," she said, shrugging slightly. "But there's a lesson in that too. You need to consider the personality of each person you deal with, when talking about their future. Or what might have been their future, in another lifetime."

In other words, not Anakin.

As for the rest, for the most part, they seemed a lot more even-keeled. But perhaps she didn't know them as well as she thought.

Or as well as she wanted to.

"Which is why I've been really careful what I say around Anakin - although training should trump personality, at least enough to get him to slow down and think."

He rubs a hand across his face, in bafflement. "I don't get it. Ben could talk in circles, but was always patient and tried to be clear, when he was teaching mode. Force, Anakin himself was Ahsoka's master and she's amazing."

Ariadne laughed. Not exactly amused. More the kind of laugh that was made of nervous energy and unexpected frustration. "Believe me, I'm the last person who should be giving advice where Anakin is concerned."

She had a bias. And she knew it. And as strong and as righteous as it felt, she didn't think it was fair to let her opinion color anyone else's.

Maybe Anakin didn't know how to be fair, but she did.

"Training is important, I understand that," she said. "I used to watch the knights of Princess Amanda's court train together for battle. And you know who the strongest knights were? The ones who took that training and personalized it. Made it their own. Made it different. I'm not sure training can...trump? Trump personality."

A pause.

"What does 'trump' mean?"

"Um, I think you basically got it, from context. It means to override, or achieve victory. I think it comes from card games. Like, cards of a certain color or suite automatically beating the rest of the deck," he explains.

"And I get what you're saying about personalizing training. My first...traditional trial, as a Jedi, the first time I talked to a full fledged master-"

He mentally backs up. "See, Kanan, was wonderful and my master, but he'd be the first to tell you he lost his way as a Jedi for a long time, and a lot of my apprenticeship with him was us learning together. He wouldn't claim to be a Jedi Master."

Although he did believe that by the time Kanan had died, if there had been other Jedi around to name him one, they might have. "Anyway. I was frustrated because I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. And Master Yoda asked me if Kanan had to tell me everything. And no, of course, not. So then Master Yoda basically told me the point was to find my own path. So that idea is...pretty inherent."

Edited 2022-03-24 16:10 (UTC)

"Good," she said. Although they were pack animals--perhaps even because of it--Alastrians enjoyed individualism. It helped make them stronger. Better. Well, usually better, anyway. She had hear some horror stories about the generation before hers that were a bit haunting.

That particular history would not repeat itself.

"But also bad, I guess. In Anakin's case. He's using the tools he was given in some pretty awful ways."

Thoughts swirl around Ezra's head - that he holds out hope that Anakin won't get to the point he was trying to kill the people he loves, if Sidious isn't here to influence him directly. Except Maul is influencing Anakin about as directly as it gets -

Outloud he switches tracks. "I had to tell Luke his mother's name. I mean, him here and now. I mentioned that I'd met Padme in Temba, where I was before. And - he didn't know why that name should matter to him. I offered to tell him what happened to her. He didn't want to know details."

Which he'd respected, but doesn't quite understand. He'd wanted to know what happened to his parents, even as terrible as it was.

Edited 2022-03-26 15:58 (UTC)

Ariadne nodded slightly. "I can understand that desire. To not know. If I could go back in time and see the ultimate fate of my parents...I don't think I'd want to." The possibilities she could imagine were terrifying enough. Especially for her poor father. Feofan hadn't been weak, like everyone in the pack joked. But he hadn't been built for battle either.

Her mother had probably gloried in going down fighting.

Her father...had probably suffered.

She paused. "But...I'd like to know. If you'd be willing to tell me. If not, I completely understand but...I guess I'm still trying to put together the pieces of all of this."

"...I asked their friend, who was there, to tell me what happened to my mom and dad." Would he want to see it? Maybe not. But on the other hand, it might not be the worst thing he's ever seen.

"And I'm...glad I know how and why Kanan died. I'm not sure that I would have understood why he made that sacrifice, if I hadn't seen it." Or seen it twice, as the case may be.

He looks at Ariadne. "I want to talk to someone about it. But...are absolutely certain, that no matter what, you won't try to hurt Anakin with it, if I tell you?"

Ariadne nodded. It was a thoughtful concern. From a thoughtful boy. "Like I said, I don't even want to talk to Anakin ever again. I would never intentionally hurt someone. Especially Anakin, since it involves talking to him."

A bit of an attempt at a joke.

But still deeply true.

She was done with Anakin. Done with how much he'd hurt her. She kind of wanted to cut him out of her life. And she'd never felt so fiercely about something like that before.

No. She wasn't going to seek him out to hurt him. She wasn't going to seek him out at all.

He's remains quiet for a long time, studying her expression. Studying her presence in the Force, even, as much as he can without...touching the edges of her mind.

Then he nods, slowly. "Ok. Just calling him Vader from the moment he swore to serve Palpatine would probably be easiest but...I don't want to do that. I've seen the damage it did, that both Anakin and Ben, by the time Luke grew up, convinced themselves Vader destroyed Anakin, in some sort of spiritual sense. So I'm going to keep calling him Anakin, even though he hasn't done any of these things yet."

"I understand," she said.

The Red Dragon once had another name too. One that very few people knew. Ariadne did, of course. Because Aunt Lysia did. But neither of them ever dared to utter it. Except in whispers by the fire, alone in the privacy of the room they shared. And then, only on the rare occasions when they could sit and talk together.

But wasn't used. But it's who he was. Beneath all of the awful things he'd done.

So let it be with Anakin too.

"I don't really know why he chose to join Palpatine. I know why I chose to use the Dark Side for a while until I realized I didn't like who I was turning into. And I know the method Palpatine used to try to manipulate me - he offered me the chance to change the past, so I had my parents back. I think...that Palpatine wasn't lying exactly. It's a long story, but I did pull Ahsoka out of the past - a fight where Anakin was trying to kill her, actually. We thought he'd killed her, but I saved her."

He takes a deep breath. "But I'm also sure Palpatine wouldn't have tried to get me to do that unless it got him something he really wanted. So even though I love my parents, I let them go."

Another beat of silence. "So I think he offered Anakin something he couldn't bring himself to let go."

She listened, a thoughtful expression on her face.

Her face. Her face, although everyone insisted that it belonged to Padmé Amidala. And maybe there was some truth to that. After all, she lived her life in disguise.

She'd just never intended to disguise herself as someone real.

Ariadne shook her head. "I think it's pretty clear what Anakin desires, above all other things. He's very Alastrian, that way." They were loyal to their mates. Sometimes to extreme circumstances. "He loves her. She's his whole world."

Edited 2022-03-26 19:29 (UTC)

"And I'm not saying that you're wrong...but he hurt her. Badly. As soon as he thought that she wouldn't go along with all the terrible things he'd done."

He rubs at his face. "I saw this through Ben's memories. It's sort of a jumble. But. Anakin was choking her with the Force and Obi-wan was yelling for him to stop, and Anakin was yelling about Obi-wan had turned Padme against him. And then Padme collapsed and Anakin was talking about how if Obi-wan wasn't with him, he was an enemy, too. So they fought."

He wraps his arms around himself, with a shudder.

Edited (Realized that probably needed warnings) 2022-03-26 20:56 (UTC)

His shudder reached her.

For the first time, Ariadne was truly, genuinely shocked. Alastrians would do anything for their mates. And she'd believed Anakin would too.

But to hurt her? No. That made no sense at all. Not in any reality that Ariadne could imagine, except for one where Anakin didn't actually love her.

So no reality at all.

She stared at Ezra, lips parted. Until she realized that he was probably seeing it again. Which sounded pretty horrible. So she draped her arm around his shoulder, gently pulling him against her side.

He learns into her, without any shame about it.

"Obi-wan won." That time. Luke, the Knight he met in Temba, told him about how Ben dying to give him and Leia time to get away.

"That was...also horrible. But Palpatine was coming. And that's the memory ended. But Ben told me he got her away from there, to medical care, but by then she was in labor. She lived long enough to give Luke a name. He took Luke to where Anakin had family from before joining the Order and stayed close enough to watch over him and keep him hidden."

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CW: Choking, domestic abuse

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