deercountry | (no subject)

"Well, no, being a Jedi is both a matter of training, traditions, philosophy, and choice. There are - or were before the Empire - many traditions and philosophies related to Force sensitivity."

He should have said Force sensitive, not Jedi, he supposes. But it is the Jedi way that he knows best.

"I do still have visions. There's a flip side to that." His voice drops lower, and softer. "Part of why the Jedi emphasize being in balance with your emotions. You can also get caught up in fear. Maybe make a vision self-fulfilling. Or even make things worse, because you're just...reacting without thinking about the fall out from your actions, because you're so frantic for a different result."

And Anakin in the most reactive person Ezra knows, at least in the state he's been since Ezra came here.

"I guess it's a matter of personality," she said, shrugging slightly. "But there's a lesson in that too. You need to consider the personality of each person you deal with, when talking about their future. Or what might have been their future, in another lifetime."

In other words, not Anakin.

As for the rest, for the most part, they seemed a lot more even-keeled. But perhaps she didn't know them as well as she thought.

Or as well as she wanted to.

"Which is why I've been really careful what I say around Anakin - although training should trump personality, at least enough to get him to slow down and think."

He rubs a hand across his face, in bafflement. "I don't get it. Ben could talk in circles, but was always patient and tried to be clear, when he was teaching mode. Force, Anakin himself was Ahsoka's master and she's amazing."

Ariadne laughed. Not exactly amused. More the kind of laugh that was made of nervous energy and unexpected frustration. "Believe me, I'm the last person who should be giving advice where Anakin is concerned."

She had a bias. And she knew it. And as strong and as righteous as it felt, she didn't think it was fair to let her opinion color anyone else's.

Maybe Anakin didn't know how to be fair, but she did.

"Training is important, I understand that," she said. "I used to watch the knights of Princess Amanda's court train together for battle. And you know who the strongest knights were? The ones who took that training and personalized it. Made it their own. Made it different. I'm not sure training can...trump? Trump personality."

A pause.

"What does 'trump' mean?"

"Um, I think you basically got it, from context. It means to override, or achieve victory. I think it comes from card games. Like, cards of a certain color or suite automatically beating the rest of the deck," he explains.

"And I get what you're saying about personalizing training. My first...traditional trial, as a Jedi, the first time I talked to a full fledged master-"

He mentally backs up. "See, Kanan, was wonderful and my master, but he'd be the first to tell you he lost his way as a Jedi for a long time, and a lot of my apprenticeship with him was us learning together. He wouldn't claim to be a Jedi Master."

Although he did believe that by the time Kanan had died, if there had been other Jedi around to name him one, they might have. "Anyway. I was frustrated because I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. And Master Yoda asked me if Kanan had to tell me everything. And no, of course, not. So then Master Yoda basically told me the point was to find my own path. So that idea is...pretty inherent."

Edited 2022-03-24 16:10 (UTC)

"Good," she said. Although they were pack animals--perhaps even because of it--Alastrians enjoyed individualism. It helped make them stronger. Better. Well, usually better, anyway. She had hear some horror stories about the generation before hers that were a bit haunting.

That particular history would not repeat itself.

"But also bad, I guess. In Anakin's case. He's using the tools he was given in some pretty awful ways."

Thoughts swirl around Ezra's head - that he holds out hope that Anakin won't get to the point he was trying to kill the people he loves, if Sidious isn't here to influence him directly. Except Maul is influencing Anakin about as directly as it gets -

Outloud he switches tracks. "I had to tell Luke his mother's name. I mean, him here and now. I mentioned that I'd met Padme in Temba, where I was before. And - he didn't know why that name should matter to him. I offered to tell him what happened to her. He didn't want to know details."

Which he'd respected, but doesn't quite understand. He'd wanted to know what happened to his parents, even as terrible as it was.

Edited 2022-03-26 15:58 (UTC)

Ariadne nodded slightly. "I can understand that desire. To not know. If I could go back in time and see the ultimate fate of my parents...I don't think I'd want to." The possibilities she could imagine were terrifying enough. Especially for her poor father. Feofan hadn't been weak, like everyone in the pack joked. But he hadn't been built for battle either.

Her mother had probably gloried in going down fighting.

Her father...had probably suffered.

She paused. "But...I'd like to know. If you'd be willing to tell me. If not, I completely understand but...I guess I'm still trying to put together the pieces of all of this."

"...I asked their friend, who was there, to tell me what happened to my mom and dad." Would he want to see it? Maybe not. But on the other hand, it might not be the worst thing he's ever seen.

"And I'm...glad I know how and why Kanan died. I'm not sure that I would have understood why he made that sacrifice, if I hadn't seen it." Or seen it twice, as the case may be.

He looks at Ariadne. "I want to talk to someone about it. But...are absolutely certain, that no matter what, you won't try to hurt Anakin with it, if I tell you?"

Ariadne nodded. It was a thoughtful concern. From a thoughtful boy. "Like I said, I don't even want to talk to Anakin ever again. I would never intentionally hurt someone. Especially Anakin, since it involves talking to him."

A bit of an attempt at a joke.

But still deeply true.

She was done with Anakin. Done with how much he'd hurt her. She kind of wanted to cut him out of her life. And she'd never felt so fiercely about something like that before.

No. She wasn't going to seek him out to hurt him. She wasn't going to seek him out at all.

He's remains quiet for a long time, studying her expression. Studying her presence in the Force, even, as much as he can without...touching the edges of her mind.

Then he nods, slowly. "Ok. Just calling him Vader from the moment he swore to serve Palpatine would probably be easiest but...I don't want to do that. I've seen the damage it did, that both Anakin and Ben, by the time Luke grew up, convinced themselves Vader destroyed Anakin, in some sort of spiritual sense. So I'm going to keep calling him Anakin, even though he hasn't done any of these things yet."

"I understand," she said.

The Red Dragon once had another name too. One that very few people knew. Ariadne did, of course. Because Aunt Lysia did. But neither of them ever dared to utter it. Except in whispers by the fire, alone in the privacy of the room they shared. And then, only on the rare occasions when they could sit and talk together.

But wasn't used. But it's who he was. Beneath all of the awful things he'd done.

So let it be with Anakin too.

"I don't really know why he chose to join Palpatine. I know why I chose to use the Dark Side for a while until I realized I didn't like who I was turning into. And I know the method Palpatine used to try to manipulate me - he offered me the chance to change the past, so I had my parents back. I think...that Palpatine wasn't lying exactly. It's a long story, but I did pull Ahsoka out of the past - a fight where Anakin was trying to kill her, actually. We thought he'd killed her, but I saved her."

He takes a deep breath. "But I'm also sure Palpatine wouldn't have tried to get me to do that unless it got him something he really wanted. So even though I love my parents, I let them go."

Another beat of silence. "So I think he offered Anakin something he couldn't bring himself to let go."

She listened, a thoughtful expression on her face.

Her face. Her face, although everyone insisted that it belonged to Padmé Amidala. And maybe there was some truth to that. After all, she lived her life in disguise.

She'd just never intended to disguise herself as someone real.

Ariadne shook her head. "I think it's pretty clear what Anakin desires, above all other things. He's very Alastrian, that way." They were loyal to their mates. Sometimes to extreme circumstances. "He loves her. She's his whole world."

Edited 2022-03-26 19:29 (UTC)

"And I'm not saying that you're wrong...but he hurt her. Badly. As soon as he thought that she wouldn't go along with all the terrible things he'd done."

He rubs at his face. "I saw this through Ben's memories. It's sort of a jumble. But. Anakin was choking her with the Force and Obi-wan was yelling for him to stop, and Anakin was yelling about Obi-wan had turned Padme against him. And then Padme collapsed and Anakin was talking about how if Obi-wan wasn't with him, he was an enemy, too. So they fought."

He wraps his arms around himself, with a shudder.

Edited (Realized that probably needed warnings) 2022-03-26 20:56 (UTC)

His shudder reached her.

For the first time, Ariadne was truly, genuinely shocked. Alastrians would do anything for their mates. And she'd believed Anakin would too.

But to hurt her? No. That made no sense at all. Not in any reality that Ariadne could imagine, except for one where Anakin didn't actually love her.

So no reality at all.

She stared at Ezra, lips parted. Until she realized that he was probably seeing it again. Which sounded pretty horrible. So she draped her arm around his shoulder, gently pulling him against her side.

He learns into her, without any shame about it.

"Obi-wan won." That time. Luke, the Knight he met in Temba, told him about how Ben dying to give him and Leia time to get away.

"That was...also horrible. But Palpatine was coming. And that's the memory ended. But Ben told me he got her away from there, to medical care, but by then she was in labor. She lived long enough to give Luke a name. He took Luke to where Anakin had family from before joining the Order and stayed close enough to watch over him and keep him hidden."

Given how common it was for women to die in childbed in the realm, Ariadne didn't question it. But she strangely found herself grieving it.

Grieving a woman she'd never even met.

Padmé really was remarkable in that way. Echoes of her reverberated across the multiverse.

"His aunt and uncle. He's told me about them. They sound like they were wonderful." And Ariadne was very glad that Obi-Wan broke with tradition, to give Luke a family to call his own.

"Owen and Beru. They must have been a pretty good job. Although Owen insisted Ben have minimal contact, is what the version of Luke in Temba told me," he says with a scowl.

As as far as Ezra is concerned Master Kenobi was just as much Luke's uncle as Owen. He doesn't like the idea of Obi-wan being kept away from what family he had left.

They'd done a pretty good job indeed. Of course, Ariadne was fighting against a bit of a bias. She was deeply fond of Luke. Not to mention the fact that she'd also been adopted by an auntie and uncle. And felt that they'd done, if not a good job, at least the best they could do, under the circumstances.

"They were probably afraid that he would try to take Luke away," she said, with a small shrug. "Obi-Wan once told me that Jedi were raised by a temple, not by their families."

He slowly straightens from where he'd leaned into her.

"We don't," he says, voice low and tense, "Steal children. I've risked my life to keep Force sensitive babies with family that wanted them."

It was easy to tell she'd touched a nerve. Not intentionally. Because Ariadne never intentionally wounded. But hurt was hurt, regardless of intention.

Her expression softened. "No," she said. "Not steal. I didn't mean it like that."

At least, she didn't think she did. Her feelings were still confused when it came to the way Obi-Wan had described his youth.

"I suppose I mean they were afraid Luke would leave them. He's..." How to put it? "Well, he's a lot like me, I think. Eager to be out in the world. Or worlds, in his case."

He eyes her, still a little wary, but then he slowly blows out a breath.

"Afraid that he might be drawn to someone who...he could probably feel on some level is like him? That he may have had some form of Force bond with, just because Ben was there when he was born and was the first person to hold and soothe him? Sure, maybe. The first time I saw Kanan, my head sang. He felt it too, before he even saw me."

"Yes," she said. "Afraid that they might lose him forever." Because he chose someone over them. Not because of kidnapping or theft or anything like that. "My mother was the same way, every time someone from the outside came to visit us. She was convinced I would try to sneak away with them. And to be honest, I thought about it, sometimes."

She hadn't exactly been the most obedient daughter.

Which ultimately had saved her life. In a poem or song, it would have been the ironic twist of fate. In her reality, it just made her...kind of sad. Painful. Like an open wound.

Ariadne's eyelashes fell. Their last fight often echoed in her ears in the quiet moments. In the place between dreams. But she was wide awake, listening to it now.

"You can't keep us away from the world forever!"

"You don't know the first thing about the world!"

"I know that it's better than you!"

She pinched the bridge of her nose, squeezing her eyes shut. Regret and shame filled her throat, nearly choking her.

He might have said something about holding on too tight not being a good solution. Or actual state out loud his feelings about Ben being Luke's family, too.

But he could feel the shift in her emotions, as much as see the change in body language. He moves back closer to drop a gloved hand over her shoulder, this time.

"Hey. We all think things we don't act on."

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CW: Choking, domestic abuse

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