[It's almost impossible to be in a situation like this and not feel responsible for it, even when none of this is Ryan's fault. He's been trying so hard to be present and supportive and make everything around them comfortable and easy so Min-Gi can rest. It's a lot of work.
It's a mission when the person you're doing all of this for doesn't want to rest, acts ungrateful, and has become wildly unpredictable. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes, three steps back. And it's a total cop-out to say 'oh this is just how we are' because it should never be like that. A relationship like that is a bad one, and what they have is good. It's worth working for.
In the face of mounting corruption, sometimes Min-Gi's head is still clear. He knows what's going on, he's grounded, his grip on reality is solid and his emotions are steady. Other times it's like he's a different person, all the worst, thorny, most savage parts of himself sitting on the outside ready to lash out. And then when he's feeling better again, with no idea what makes the switch happen, he tries to clean up the mess he's made only moments ago. It's whiplash for everyone involved and it isn't fair. This is one of those exact moments, and listening to Ryan speak makes his heart sink lower and lower.]
I know..
[Finally. Small. In answer both to the show and his getting worse. Even if he hasn't wanted to face it yet, and he hasn't, it's true and he's known deep down.
Min sighs and moves to sit beside Ryan on the step, knees up against his chest. He can't quite look over, either. There's room for both of them but only just, with hips and shoulders touching.]
I'm sorry I scared you. I knew it was something you wouldn't want to see which is why I waited until you left. I just...so wanted to find a fix on my own. Just one little thing I could make happen and do the way this world works. It sounds crazy.. I know that. And I should have told you probably. I...
...pfff- I'm losing my fucking mind, man. It's like sometimes I'm fine. I feel fine. Or lighter..or better. And then without warning I turn inside out and it all comes crashing down on me again in this, like, backwards autopilot. I guess I just thought-
I don't know what I thought. And it's messing with you and all you're doing is trying to help me. I'm Jekyll and Hyde.
[And it feels, in this moment of rising clarity, so incredibly hopeless.]
no subject
It's a mission when the person you're doing all of this for doesn't want to rest, acts ungrateful, and has become wildly unpredictable. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes, three steps back. And it's a total cop-out to say 'oh this is just how we are' because it should never be like that. A relationship like that is a bad one, and what they have is good. It's worth working for.
In the face of mounting corruption, sometimes Min-Gi's head is still clear. He knows what's going on, he's grounded, his grip on reality is solid and his emotions are steady. Other times it's like he's a different person, all the worst, thorny, most savage parts of himself sitting on the outside ready to lash out. And then when he's feeling better again, with no idea what makes the switch happen, he tries to clean up the mess he's made only moments ago. It's whiplash for everyone involved and it isn't fair. This is one of those exact moments, and listening to Ryan speak makes his heart sink lower and lower.]
I know..
[Finally. Small. In answer both to the show and his getting worse. Even if he hasn't wanted to face it yet, and he hasn't, it's true and he's known deep down.
Min sighs and moves to sit beside Ryan on the step, knees up against his chest. He can't quite look over, either. There's room for both of them but only just, with hips and shoulders touching.]
I'm sorry I scared you. I knew it was something you wouldn't want to see which is why I waited until you left. I just...so wanted to find a fix on my own. Just one little thing I could make happen and do the way this world works. It sounds crazy.. I know that. And I should have told you probably. I...
...pfff- I'm losing my fucking mind, man. It's like sometimes I'm fine. I feel fine. Or lighter..or better. And then without warning I turn inside out and it all comes crashing down on me again in this, like, backwards autopilot. I guess I just thought-
I don't know what I thought. And it's messing with you and all you're doing is trying to help me. I'm Jekyll and Hyde.
[And it feels, in this moment of rising clarity, so incredibly hopeless.]