( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

[jedies]

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Comments

[jedies]

[ obi-wan accepts that answer. ghosts, voices . . . they're not concepts the jedi spend much time over. they return to the force. like all living things must, in the end. to rejoin the river into the sea.

he hopes they're there. that their pain and sorrow didn't linger. ]

It is not our way to hold on. To hold so tightly. The nature of life is to change and we change along with it.

[firstroar]

You don't have to hold on...for those things to remain.

They have grips of their own.

[jedies]

Ah, but should they be grips?

[ this is philosophy, the kind that's easy to sink into. ]

I've always seen it as fingerprints.

[firstroar]

[Blue smiles at the notion.]

An impression all the same, right? It's still holding on, whether we seek to let go or not. Something like that...we don't have control of it.

Not unless we were to do something cruel and drastic.

[jedies]

I've always kept it with me. All that love, everlasting.

[ "never forget, my dear obi-wan." ]

But it is difficult to reach for.

[firstroar]

[his head tilts a little.]

Do you...or don't you want to? Hold onto those things.

[jedies]

All the things I held onto are gone. My grief cannot bring them back.

[ all gone. the swathe of destruction that took place left nothing alive. it didn't simply take the people, it took their home. it took their gardens, their libraries. it took their places of belonging.

and even now, the absence of those bonds throb like a physical wound. ]

My desire has little to do with it.

[firstroar]

So it's...not simply the memories you lament... But their sources.

[...]

I understand that.

[jedies]

It is something we all face.

[ but never to this magnitude. ]

[firstroar]

...Some better than others.

[Blue's expression grows somber, more searching from the distance he remains at. it would behoove him to move closer, to speak aloud as the other does, but there's some apprehension in him on his own part - for the other's sake; he still can't shake what happened a month ago.]

I don't see it, though. The beast which blossoms from those feelings holding sway. [that makes him stronger than Blue was.]

[jedies]

[ softly: ]

And you won't.

My emotions are not my master. They do not control me. They do not demand things of me. They are a river that flows through me. They will pass.

But I will still be here. As I must be.

[firstroar]

Speaking so absolutely...doesn't sit well in this place. [his head tilts down a bit.] But if that kind of resolve can stand...then I'll be grateful to see it stand.

[jedies]

The only absolutes I can give myself are the ones I choose to live by.

[ obi-wan looks at him. gently. ]

Who do you want to be, at this very moment? What would you like to see reflected back at yourself?

[firstroar]

Are those the questions you ask yourself? [his eyes lift. at his side, the lion's ears flick and he huffs.] Is that how you find it in you to let go? The way you said you ought to.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hums. ]

Perhaps.

But I'm alive. To live is to move forward.

[firstroar]

Whether one wishes to or not. Alone or with others. Yes, that's true.

[Blue turns his head, looking askance with a pensive expression.]

Even when we want to let go...this place will turn the things imprinted on our hearts into threats to ourselves and others. I don't know if...looking past those things will serve you better in the end or not.

We truly don't know what good is done until it's over.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan is not so sure. he saw what anakin became because he couldn't let go. he's seen the atrocities maul commits because of the pedestal he placed his own scars upon.

it's not a matter of transience or even morality. there will always be things and times when you're reminded and tested. obi-wan wouldn't even attribute that to simply trench or deerington. ]

What matters is what you continue to do with the time given to you.

[firstroar]

[he looks back.]

What will you do, then?

[jedies]

[ here, he is not hunted. he is not an endangered creature. and while that history has its eyes on him, obi-wan will do what jedi are meant to do. ]

We are servants. I will serve the people.

[firstroar]

[after a beat, Blue exhales aloud, his mouth twitching briefly as he turns his head away.]

How strange to hear this resolve...outside of myself. It would be unkind to say it seems surreal; you are real and yourself, after all. Not me.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan manages a faint smile. ]

Maybe because deep down, we're all touched by the same feelings.

[firstroar]

No matter how we'd like to believe contrary.

[that's the kind of thing people learn and relearn through life and strife.

he still makes no move to approach, and for a moment seems as though he's entirely divorced himself from conversation at all. yet he does look back, expression thoughtful.]

You're not going to entirely detach, are you? From those kinds of feelings.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan hums. ]

I doubt I can, if I'm being honest.

[ and he's not a jedi anymore. ]

[firstroar]

I don't know if anyone could, willingly or otherwise.

We're... rather beholden to the nature of ourselves...and the higher powers at-play here.

[jedies]

I've seen it done. It is possible to rise above, to make those commitments.

I do not believe in being beholden to anything, base nature or higher power. I make my own choices.