deercountry | ( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

Who: Obi-Wan + You
What: Obi-Wan updating to Post Revenge of the Sith
When: May 7th
Where: Around Trench + Obi-Wan's House

Content Warnings: Possible intense discussions of grief and trauma. Mentions of genocide and mutilation.

( i. awakening — closed to immediate cr + vyng )

[ he awoke in darkness.

that is what terrified him momentarily. the darkness closed in on him, on everyone and he had to warn, he had to stop it, he had to do something. the yawning abyss stretched out and obi-wan thrust his hand forward to touch . . . something soft? like the folds of a cocoon. he grasps and pulls, the force answering his cry like the tempestuous rush of the tide —

— and it breaks, light cascading into his strange prison. he pulls himself out with a gasp, dragging himself along the floor. blearily, he blinks, taking in his surroundings before he rasps out in a voice ill-used for days. ]

W — Where?

( ii. drinks on the house )

[ after (hastily) settling affairs, obi-wan drifts around the town like a ghost. his robe is pulled over his head, leaving his gaze in shadow. not that he meets anyone’s eyes for long. listlessly, he wanders until he finds himself at a bar. before, he would have called up constantine and they would have settled themselves in a corner, drinking without judgment but mindful of each other. constantine is gone. abby is gone. all the friends he used to do such things with — quinlan, shaak ti, mace, kit . . . they’re all gone. his family. his brothers and sisters, all in the force.

gone. the absence of their bonds ache like forgotten stars. he signals for a drink with a sigh. if anyone approaches him in his melancholia, he will reply as such. ]

I’m afraid I’m not much for company at the moment. You’d be better suited elsewhere.

( iii. the sword in hand )

[ in the morning, he tries to return to routine. normalcy. he shouldn’t forgo everything simply because he is changed.

oh, but everything has changed.

he performs the exercise without the use of his saber. not everything is reliant on the edge of the blade and he had other skills to hone. every day, every minute. obi-wan may dislike a number of things, but he refuses to be anything less than perfect in all his deficiencies. and there were just so many, cluttering his head and his heart.

obi-wan wrenches himself out of his thought with a jerk of his head and in a hurried motion, draws his saber and — lava and fire burns all around them, but all he can feel is cold, cold is the touch of the dark, cold is the way that withers all and not even the hatred in anakin’s eyes changed that and obi-wan is so cold, why was this happening, how did they come to this —

— he flings his saber in a burst of pain. it soars through the air before falling to the ground, landing on soft grass. it makes no sound. obi-wan can’t hear anything but the ringing in his ears. his knees sink to the ground and he bows his head while his fingers grasp at his ears.

he can’t hear anything anymore. it’s all cold. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Luke let out a breath, pulling away and turning toward him enough to give him a look that practically screamed, "Seriously, Ben?" He shook his head after a moment, shifting again so he could place a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. ]

I promise, I'm a big Jedi now; I can handle these things.

[ He smiled gently to show that he was just being sarcastic and not at all serious. ]

But again, only if you think it would help you. Don't worry about what I would think.

[ he sighs. ]

I don't have an answer.

[ Luke gave him a sympathetic look, giving him a squeeze again. ]

You don't need to. But Ben, I'm here. I'll listen. Don't be afraid to come to me.

[ His expression softened, a bit of a sad look coming to his face. ]

You shouldn't feel like you need to suffer for things that aren't your fault.

[ obi-wan is quiet for a moment. ]

And of the parts that are my fault?

Edited 2022-06-07 09:36 (UTC)

[ Luke fell silent a moment, glancing away. He wasn't going to pretend he understood everything that happened between his father and Obi-Wan. He could guess, and understood well enough that their relationship could be summed up as, "Ended badly." And as much as he wanted to blame the Emperor for everything, he was smart enough to know that it wasn't just him that led to this. ]

[ He finally shifted so he was sitting on the ground in front of Obi-Wan, reaching down and taking his hands in his, giving them a tight squeeze. ]

You already know the answer to that, Ben. You'll learn; from what happened, and how to forgive yourself. And you'll do everything in your power to keep it from happening again, because you know that the last bit of Light hasn't left the galaxy yet.

[ And he wasn't just talking about himself; he knew there were others. They didn't call themselves Jedi anymore, but he knew they were out there, and that there would be more people born with the ability to touch the Force. ]

[ it's not enough.

it's not enough. nothing would be to come close to this kind of damage, the irreparable harm that'll spread across the galaxy. fester like a wound. it's not enough for obi-wan to have raised his hand against anakin. to brought him so low. ]

It's not what I would consider a learning experience.

[ Luke snorted softly. ]

The hardest lessons are often difficult to see for what they are.

[ He nudged him gently. ]

You taught me that. You and Master Yoda.

[ obi-wan's anger blazes bright, hot and furious. ]

I will not package the wanton genocide of a people into a lesson to be learned!

[ Luke jerked back, for a moment looking both hurt and offended that Obi-Wan would immediately assume that's what he meant. He took a breath, letting go of the emotion, before allowing himself to respond. ]

That's not what I meant at all.

[ He hesitated a moment, before shaking his head. ]

...history is written by the victors. I don't think anyone that wasn't there will ever understand or know what truly happened the day of the Jedi Purge, but from what I've been told and how I understand it, the Emperor's plans would have been fulfilled with or without my father's cooperation. What happened with him... there was nothing to be learned from that. That was just... cruel.

[ He reached out to him then, placing his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and squeezing tightly. ]

I mean on a personal level, between you and father.

I don't know, Luke!

[ his voice cracks and splinters like the earth below. ]

I came back to a temple full of bodies. I saw the recording of Sidious and Anakin. I confronted him on Mustafar and I still don't understand how it came to pass. How he could do this to us.

[ he puts his hands on his face, the tears in his voice, his heart in his throat like a knife. ]

What had I done to make him hate me so?

[ Luke felt his heart break at just how broken Obi-Wan was. He didn't know how fresh this was in his old mentor's mind, had no idea how it would continue to haunt him over the nineteen years he spent watching over him on Tatooine, but... if he couldn't help him here, what good was he? ]

[ He wrapped his arms around him again, encouraging him to cry on his shoulder instead of in his hands. There was no need for him to hide his grief from him, not like this. ]

I think you're asking yourself the wrong question, Ben. I think the question needs to be, 'What happened that made it so easy for him to believe the Emperor's lies over your sincerity.'

[ Vader was always a raging mountain of hate; that was something any Rebel knew well, especially him. But unlike his non-Force sensitive peers, Luke had been able to sense the hollowness in that hate; saw past it to sense the pain that really fueled him, something more than physical, something that cut deeper than any blade could. He had a feeling Obi-Wan was cut by that same pain, but his was born from the reality of the situation, where his father's had been fostered by lie after lie. ]

No. No.

[ he can't do that. certainly not today with his limbs shaking and the cold burning through his veins. he can't quietly analyze and break it down the way a jedi would because he has been dismantled as a jedi. all his familiar bonds have been scorched and obi-wan is rocketing from one reality where it all burned to another where no such burn exists.

it's too much, even for him. ]

I cannot. Not now.

[ Luke paused, taking a breath and trying to figure out what he was supposed to do. He thought thinking and being like a Jedi would help, but it seemed to be having the complete opposite effect. He felt so completely useless, wanting to be able to do something that would make this all better, even though he knew that was impossible. ]

[ After a moment, he let out a determined noise, holding him tight. ]

Then cry. Let it all out, cry until you have nothing left in you to cry about and let me help you shoulder that pain. I'm here, Ben; don't shut me out.

[ a part of him wants to. a part of him wants to weep without end. surely he must have wept on mustafar, but the blazing heat must have evaporated his tears before they fell. if he touched his face, he would find no sign of mourning or grief on there. he bears no wounds, no tells. he walked away, untouched. and yet, his insides were riddled with scars.

there are no good answers. no jedi wisdom prepared for this. even if he went back a thousand years, a thousand years of pain will follow this. obi-wan bows his head, but lets luke hold him. lets his own hands rest upon luke's own, wrinkled and cracked.

the force sings but obi-wan turns his face away from it. ]

( open ) do not stand on my grave and weep

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