deercountry | June catch-all and Return of the Boy (OPEN)

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June catch-all and Return of the Boy (OPEN)

Who: Lance (

azurestar)
What: June catch-all. Return from deer-hood.
When: All June. Boy returns first week.
Where: Forest, around town.

Content Warnings: depression, ptsd, nightmare demon, throat wound, house fire, will add as they appear

( ooc: Lance has spent most of April and May in his deer form, for those unfamiliar: the ability to transform into a deer is something some characters from Deerington obtained via death and a special event. There are consequences to transforming too often: you lose yourself more and more. This is what has happened to Lance over the course of the last 2 months. Pulling Lance out of this state is reserved for Keith alone, but there is a prompt to interact with him in the midst of this predicament. )

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WEEK 1

i. [This is the last time he was human. For a brief few hours at the start of June. The constant retreating into his deer form to escape from the loss of Hunk, of... just, so much, has increasingly caused him to become detached and not all there even when he's human. He's having trouble figuring out what he is, where he is, when he is... sometimes he feels like he's straddling two worlds at once, or drifting between spaces in time. He can be found on the first day of June for a short handful of hours wandering at any random hour of the day or night, looking almost like he's sleepwalking. It'll be difficult to get him to focus on you as he seems to keep staring off placidly at something else in the distance. He may even struggle to remember you. If there's any danger from beast or villain about to harm him, he doesn't seem aware at all no matter how much noise is made, even when you swoop in to save him.

And when those short handful of hours pass, he's slipping back into the form of a deer. If you've interacted with him in this form before, you'd have noted there was a sentient self awareness behind his big eyes. Now they are dull, he looks and acts so much like a real deer that it's likely disturbing and frightening to those who know better. He can be found mostly on the outskirts of the city in Trenchwood, and much like a real deer, he's rather skittish so approach carefully if you come upon him in this form instead of as a human.]

ii. [It's the end of the first week of June, and he's been pulled out of his deer fugue. If you'd happened upon him in his disconnect and/or or as a deer at any point in the last two months, the difference is striking. He's self aware, he's more present, but he's not completely back to himself ether. There's a lot of holes in his memory, things completely missing and slow to return, or in some cases, perhaps never to return. And he still has moments where he stares off at something far away or through someone. But it's momentary and he shakes his head to clear it of his own accord here and there.

To keep himself present and grounded, he's trying to go out to public spaces and engage. So of course, that means he'll be all over Willful Machine and Cellar Door especially. Catch him in the markets either noticing a thief trying to steal or falling into one of his detached moments and a thief taking advantage at that moment. Or find him in Earworm at the bar partaking in a little bit of alcohol and watching people dance, and after a few drinks, he'll get into a breakdancing contest with someone, but he's kind of fumbling a bit like Bambi, which is uncharacteristic, it's almost like he's still trying to figure out how to walk on two legs...]

( ooc: feel free to assume he wanders into any venue if you have an idea for a prompt. You may also assume/handwave that your character ran into Lance while he was in a similar state to prompt 1 at any point in the month of May. Including the Karate Tournament because he was involved in that. )

DREAMS and HOLES

i. [But of course yanking himself out of the deer dream, nightmares return in full. At first, he doesn't think much of it because he has them all the time anyway. But he seems to be more prone to waking nightmares now, they come on when he has his intermittent fugue states that still come along in the wake of nearly losing himself to being a deer. That's… not so usual.

Find Lance around town, sometimes seemingly frozen in the middle of a task and seeming to stare placidly into the middle distance. Maybe he was already talking to you or just saying hi, or in the middle of checking the hooves of the horse he's taken for a ride through town. Try to shake him out of it or perhaps come upon him as he's coming out of it with a strangled gasp on his own and shakily rubs at his face, trying to stay on his feet. His voice is hoarse, tone a weak attempt at dark humor.]

…Remind me why I didn't just stay a deer again…

[Or perhaps he happens upon you in the opposite predicament after he's been rid of his own demon, or is suffering the same. He'll approach with a slight notch in his brows, not looking entirely sure of himself in his own body, but not able to ignore your obvious plight.] …You okay?

ii. [He was a deer at the time when the earth started to shake and standing right where one of the ice cavers opened. He was so terrified on all levels both human and animal, he bolted so far out into the forest that he got lost for a good while. More lost than he already was, anyway. And if anyone tried to enter in the holes in that first week and he was nearby, you would have heard a loud elk screech in protest echoing through the trees. But he wouldn't come anywhere near that hole from where he stood watching you from afar, moving restlessly in fear, like the hole is a rabid bear.

Once he's human again, his reaction is not so frightened, and he doesn't seem to remember the holes at all from when he was a deer. He comes upon one for the first time as a human closer to town. He stops, stares, seems frozen and caught in another fugue. Then he turns on his heel and starts to walk away.]

Nope! no, nah-uh. No way. Not happening. Bye.

[Perhaps you really want him to come down there with you because you've been bitten by the adventure bug, or you agree. Regardless, he has very strong feelings about holes and there is a story there. Whether he will tell it or not probably depends on you. The real challenge is getting him in there if you're looking to try.]

SPIRITS

i. [At first he thought the spirits were his usual hallucinations. He tends to see people he loves and misses and has regrets of all the time in flashes and lingering moments all the time anyway. But just like the nightmares that started to get more harrowing and happen during the day, he does eventually figure out this might not be just his usual crazy.

It's more vivid than usual when he sees Hunk going through the food stalls like any other day in Willfull Machine, picking out the best crops out of what scarce ones there are. He hasn't hallucinated in that much vivid detail or color or in such an ordinary way in… it's hard to say, his memories are still messed up since he nearly lost himself to his deer form. After staring hard for a long moment, he'll reach out without looking to the first person he can, gripping their ar,]

Do you see a big guy with an orange headband over there or am I losing my mind? …Again.

ii. [It's not just Hunk, he also sees pretty much everyone else as well. The hardest is Allura, because of course Allura is there. Of course, she appears as the ghost she was in her last moments caught in a loop. His memories are a patchwork of of holes, and the ones around that time in his life… one of the worst times, are the most shattered. But that image he will never be allowed to forget in full, it seems.

It's when he's out and about when he sees her against a building wall and he has to stumble back into another wall as it knocks the breath out of him. Tunnel vision takes hold and he can barely breath, breaths short and shallow. He looks like a frozen terrified deer caught in headlights just waiting for the oncoming collusion and unable to think enough through the terror to move.]

iii. [If he still had lingering doubts about if the ghosts are a product of his own mind or something else, they certainly dissipate when Chloe's ghost starts wrecking his living room. Bolin's not at home, thankfully, or he's pretty sure his friend would freak out and make it a lot harder to calm her down. He doesn't know how or why he knows what to do, but when she throws a table outside the front window and he trips over himself falling out of the window as well, he gets up, ignoring any glass piece in his skin and just starts talking.

To a passersby, this might look like a domestic dispute and his parter is inside the house throwing all his things out on the lawn after he cheated or something. He dodges an old musty lamp getting tossed out onto the street and people are starting to stare…]

H-hey, Chloe. Remember… remember that time I came over to your house and flew the Red Lion to your window? I offered to show you the world, but you were too cool to get on my magic lion carpet ride… or I think that's how it went.

[His memory is still such a mess, so he's not entirely sure. But maybe that is indeed how it went because there's a pause in the throwing of things. Is that a good thing or bad thing he wonders…]

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Okay. [Keith nodded. Softly, almost a whisper...] Thanks.

[He didn't know why, but knowing Lance trusted him, even transformed like this, it felt... comforting... warm. He'd take it.]

Come on. [He started leading Lance along, watching for signs of more pain in that injured leg, for signs of fear, waiting to see if Lance would turn and run away... Kosmo followed as well, staying on the other side of Keith.

As they started moving, Keith gave a quick glance towards the white direwolf who'd helped him find Lance. He nodded to her.]

Thank you for watching him.

[He follows Keith slowly, but more because he's still on edge and there's a lot of emotions and slowly emerging human consciousness than because of his leg. His head is still held a bit low, and his stance looks ready to blot or charge at a moment's notice.

Edelya, the wolf regards Keith and seems to blinks in a way that says 'I always do'. Then she falls in step with Kosmo because he is old friend and pack alpha even if he doesn't remember. Luckily, the journey to the edge of town isn't far, it's getting all the way through the streets and to the barn that's the challenge.]

[Keith did pause at the edge of town. He wondered if getting Lance closer to human would make it easier to get through town. If there was still a heavy deer influence, he'd heard enough about the sightings of the "star-antlered deer" to know he was skittish in this form, prone to animal mind influences. He also vaguely remembered how he'd run off so quickly after the fight at Blue's, but a good portion of that time was still a bit blurry in his head.

He took a deep breath and turned back to face Lance again. Carefully, he put his hand on the deer's shoulder. It was something they as a team did a lot, started mostly by Shiro. Maybe it would help with trying to connect.]

Do you think you can do this? The barn is in town, but it's safe. [As safe as anywhere in this place, really, but...] If we can get there, I can treat your leg wound better.

Unless... maybe... we could figure out how to get you to turn back? [Would he even know that he was supposed to be human at this point? Keith wasn't sure.]

[Turn… back? On some level he is starting to understand more that he isn't actually a deer. Or maybe he is? He isn't human anymore, that is something he feels deep in his core. Or at the very least, he's uncertain of it and has good reason to be. What is he?

Who is he?

The rest of what Keith says needs more digesting, translating in his head. It's overwhelming. The concept of turn back and going into town, a place that's scared him and offered safety. Barn… barn sounds good. It's a word he associates with security and comfort as a human and flashes of being in the barn on Earth and in Deerington flick through his mind's eye. He snorts and tosses his head a little.

'Barn. No town.']

[No town. Right. That was going to be... awkward. Keith took a deep breath, then looked at Kosmo. He kept his hand solidly on Lance's shoulder.]

Okay. I have an idea. But it's going to be kind of sudden. Kosmo can get us to the barn without us having to walk through town. But it's by teleporting.

[He was hoping his meaning was coming through. Lance was seeming to be a little more responsive and understanding the more they interacted, so Keith was hoping he was getting through.]

Do you trust me enough to teleport to the barn?

[He takes a moment to absorb that. It's easier for him to understand now, compared to before. The concept of teleporting is not lost on him, it bubbles up from his human mind that is emerging more and more. It's fuzzy on the details of the experience, but he thinks he likes instant barn better than any other avenue.

And he does trust Keith, he thinks. Even if there's a pain associated with him that he can't explain, it's not the kind that would have him mistrust his intentions. So he nods slow and deliberate, tense.]

[Keith nodded as well. He gestured for Kosmo to come close.]

Let's go, buddy.

[Still with his hand firmly on Lance's shoulder, he used his other hand to touch Kosmo. At the same time, being gentle, Kosmo pressed himself against one of Lance's front legs... then...]

Okay... Now.

[FLASH!]

Easy now-... [Keith immediately moved his hand from Kosmo to Lance, putting both his hands on the deer's shoulder to hopefully keep him calm. But, they were in the barn. With Kaltenecker, and some horses, and just... that sense of familiarity.]

[It's a startling but also strangely familiar experience that digs up a lot of memories flashing in his mind at once. The memories are what startle him the most when they got to the other side ad he stamps his hooves around on the paved ground, backing up a few paces and tossing his head high. The starts blink rapidly as he processes his surroundings, looking around all over and slowly settling.

Keith's hands on him and his voice help keep him grounded, and then it's not long before he's done stamping and flickering. He looks around at the horses and Kaltenecker, eyes sticking on the cow.

'Know her' there's a bit of a confused lilt to the statement because he can't seem to sort out if he knows her as a fellow four legged, hoofed creature or… there's flashes of space, milkshakes, a room that's a field but not.]

Okay. Okay... easy. [Keith managed to avoid the antlers and hooves, at least. That was good. And Lance seemed to slowly begin to calm down as he almost began to recognize the barn. So, that helped to settle Keith's nerves a bit.]

It's okay.

[He looked over at Kaltenecker, and then nodded.]

Yeah. That's Kaltenecker. She's a cow... from home. You and Pidge found her in a space mall. Brought her back to the Castle of Lions.

[Did any of that ring a bell? Please? Keith was hoping.]

[He listens to the explanation as he continues to stare at the cow. Kaltenecker stares back with a bored expression and then bends down to eat more hay. Memories, lots of them. Almost too much to make sense of at once.

But this place is safer and he feels almost like he's in a foggy dream as the Castle of Lions has him immediately turning to look at the back of the barn. There's tall double doors there that lead out to the small yard behind the barn and house.

Almost in a trance, he feels like he's walking through water and fire that doesn't burn all at once as he heads to it and tries to push it open with his antlers. But it's got a bar and lock keeping it shut. The key is hanging on a nail nearby, but he doesn't have hands… a fact he doesn't seem to get as he just keeps pushing at it.]

[Keith also looked at the doors, watching the deer move about like he was trying to indicate something? No... he was trying to do something, but couldn't. Was Lance's human consciousness coming back strong? Keith wasn't sure, but he gingerly moved closer, reaching for the key.]

This? For those doors?

[He headed over that way, watching to see if he was doing the right thing.]

[He's singularly driven to get to the other side of the barrier, so he struggles to really comprehend keys at first. But his human consciousness is rapidly starting to bubble back and Keith's question gets him to stop pushing mindlessly and look at what he's holding. His head tilts to the side and then the other. Then he steps back and waits…

In other words: yes, you have thumbs, do the thing.]

[Okay. He'd take that as a yes, so he moved closer and hoped the keys worked. They did. He pulled the lock off the latch and then opened the doors, pushing at them slowly after dropping the keys and lock into his pocket.]

[When the barriers- no, doors- open, he walks through and scans for what his instincts are calling him to. And sitting under a wood awning under the shade of the one tree back here in this urban area was the Red Lion sitting next to the Yellow Lion.

His steps slowed and his head slowly lowered closer to the ground in an almost meek and guarded way as he approached them. There was a lot of emotion and painful memory attached to being near them. He started trembling.]

[Keith was aware of the Lions being in Trench. He'd seen Black already. And he'd seen Hunk using Yellow when they fought the Leviathan. Shiro had insisted Keith take the Black Lion for that, which he did, figuring Lance could use Red, but then Lance didn't. So Keith hadn't seen her, yet, even after all this time. But now...

It was hard not to still feel that sense of attachment to his first Lion... the one that made him get sucked out into space just to impress her. And he smiled a little before walking over. The small size didn't really shake him anymore. He was used to seeing Black small. Though, Red and Green were the smallest of the Lions, and it was definitely visible with them scaled down. Especially with Yellow sitting right next to her.]

It's okay. They know us.

[He reached out and put a hand on Red's head for a moment, wondering what she'd do, but also to show deerified Lance that it was okay... even though he didn't fully understand why Lance was so nervous about them.]

[It's the memories and the emotions that come with them that he's overwhelmed by. There's a lot of complicated human feelings associated with the lions, and seeing them now brings back a lot of the reasons he became a deer to begin with. His connection to Red has been weak for a while, not gone, but…

And Yellow was Hunk's, who left and that loss led him to this stuttering spiral into escapism. It hurts to see them, be near them and remember all the ways he failed and couldn't measure up and everything lost. Keith's reassurance hits differently for him and his small, grieving mental voice compulsively responds.

'Don't know me' …not anymore.]

[Keith looked back confused.]

What do you mean?

[He took his hand off Red and moved back to stand near Lance.]

They're bonded to us. They're not going to do anything.

[He wasn't understanding.]

[He shudders and his front hooves are shaking so much, they buckle a little at the knees and he lets out a whimper in his throat as he stumbles. The flashes of memory and emotions, the human doubts and self hatred and insecurity and shame… they hurt and scare him.

'Don' know me 'nymore' even his mental voice shakes and sounds like he's on the brink of a melt down, the stars in his antlers blink and start to fade in brightness and shrink. His big doe eyes look impossibly sad and fearful.

'Worthless, broken, alone']

Hey...

[Keith reached out, placing a firm hand on the deer's shoulder.]

That's not true. You're not worthless. [He used his other hand to move Lance's head, to try to make eye contact.] Come on. I know things have been weird in this place. Okay? Maybe I don't know all of it, but like... even just... this... [Meaning the fact that Lance was a frickin' deer.] this is weird. Stuff like this affects people.

But you're still Lance. Underneath it all, you're still Lance, and you're still the guy that I know has my back. Right?

[He shudders under Keith's hands but doesn't try to get away. There's so much painful memory and feeling coming back and he doesn't have the words in this form. Hell, he barely has the words as a human and does he really want to go back to that when he feels like this?

But Keith said that last thing about having his back and it all lodges in his throat. He's teetering on the edge at a crossroads and how can he just try to disappear into being a deer when apparently that's what Keith needs from him. But does he really? He has Shiro here and Lance is just…

'Lance fail. Always fail. Not enough. Red, Keith, all deserve better.']

[Keith moved in front of Lance now, holding that deer head in his hands to try and make eye contact.]

Hey. We all made mistakes, right? Hell, I almost went and got all of us killed by chasing Lotor into some gas cloud of a planet that we lost our sensors in, and it turned out to be explosive.

But you listened to me. You could have told me to just shove it right then and there, but you didn't. And I knew I could trust you with things. With taking care of the team when I went back to get Acxa in return for her helping us get away from Zethrid and Ezor. With making sure that cave sealed behind us when we were running from the battleship, and still being able to make it through with Red. With watching our backs as our sharpshooter during missions. Which isn't exactly a throw away position, you know.

So stop, okay? You're not a failure. You're Voltron's right hand for a reason. [Keith took a breath, loosening his hold in case he was coming across too intensely.]

Look... I know I don't remember all that other stuff that happened before... in the other town. And I know you've really been through it. Shiro, too. And yeah. That's gonna change a person. But, in a way, you've still been there for me since I came back again. It's been weird, but I get it, okay? Things happened. Things I don't remember. And that's hard to deal with. But you're still a good teammate.

And you're important. You're important to Voltron. And, well...

[Keith chewed his lip a little.]

You're important to me...

[He shudders under Keith's hands as he talks, tries to remind Lance of all the reasons he was valuable. And he feels like he's being torn in several directions on the inside. Keith isn't lying to him, but all those things he did he remembers barely knowing what he was doing and feeling like they got lucky. Those memories are now trickling back, but Keith seems to have a different pair of glasses on when he looks back on them.

There's so much Keith doesn't know, and he doesn't have the words like this to tell him. But does it matter? He remembers enough of why he went back to being a deer to feel like maybe he should just walk away and disappear into this form. But something holds him back, because if he was really going to commit to that, he would have gone to the ocean and become a squid. Deep down there's still some things he's holding on to.

And one of those things is standing right in front of him telling him how important he is to him. And that's what has his mind quieting just enough to rethink. It's not being told he's important to Voltron or important at all… that, he's not able to believe because they're more abstract and reliant on how he feels about himself and the things he knows about what he's done and who he is. But Keith… and how he feels, that's all him. And he knows he wouldn't lie. And if Keith says he's important to him, needs him here. Even if Lance is sure he's a failure and going to fail him again, how can he leave him when he's being asked to come home?

After a long moment of silence and tense and trembling hooves, Lance's deer form glows a gentle blue-white and then flecks away like petals in the wind. And it's Lance there, completely collapsing to his knees in front of Keith with a shuddered gasp that cuts off into a stifled sob. He's shaking his head in refusal of a bunch of what Keith said and struggling with the shift back… kind of can't remember how to be a human just yet.]

Edited 2022-12-10 21:46 (UTC)

[Keith wasn't sure how to handle the glow and the flaking, and he hesitantly pulls his hand away... not wanting to abandon Lance, but not sure if this was a good thing or not right away. And then, it was Lance. And he was falling. And Keith reacted.

He grabbed him, supporting him as they both lowered to the ground together, and just held out as Lance cried. Keith felt... relieved.]

Hey... it's true. You're part of my family now, and you're important, okay? I don't want to lose you. [It was hard to admit that, but Keith was learning that it was important to say these things to people. And he didn't exactly know how the whole deer thing worked, but he was getting the impression that Lance's control over the transformation was only rudimentary... that it was tied to how stable he felt... and that "talking him down" was definitely a thing. So...]

I'm glad you came back. [Because he was. It was bad enough that they'd lost Hunk to being a squid. Keith didn't want to lose Lance to being a deer. He didn't want to lose anyone else from his pseudo-family. It had taken a lot for him to find them in the first place, and he just didn't want to keep facing losses.]

[When Keith catches him, he instinctively hides his face in his shoulder and his hands come up and weakly grip at his sides. He's shaking so hard that it's hard to tell if he's really crying or somehow extremely cold since he's so quiet about it.]

I do-on'-

[He cuts off because his voice barely sounds like his, it's so hoarse and quiet and garbled. Because he hasn't spoken in a long time and he's forgotten how to be a person for a while, it's still coming back to him. It causes him to suck in a couple sharp and frustrated inhales of breath that come out hot onto Keith's chest. Then he tries again.]

C-ca-an't-t-t s-s-s- [He shakes his head against Keith's shoulder. Trying to say he can't figure out how to talk. But there's so much that needs to be said, it's why he reverted back. I distressed sound rumbles in his throat and his fingers clumsily grasp at Keith's clothes at his waist.]

[Keith wasn't sure about the shaking, either. But he did know that, even if it was crying, Lance was not impervious to cold like he was, so he squirmed a bit in Lance's grip to shrug off his coat and then put it around the other Paladin.]

It's okay. [Well, as much as it could be, anyway.] Don't force anything.

[And he stayed there with Lance, gingerly putting his arms around him again.]

Take your time.

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azurestar - 2023-01-09 02:24 (UTC) - Expand

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