deercountry | Live and die, and then... [open]

Entry tags:

Live and die, and then... [open]

Who: D, his Left Hand, anyone
What: Open and closed prompts for general June catch all
When: early june and onward
Where: Various places

Content Warnings:: mention of blood drinking, apathy towards violence, casual disregard for the safety of others, violence, additional warnings to be added to closed prompts in comments

1. A stiff drink; any time in June, especially after the wilderness expedition returns; open

The end of the previous month had brought an end to D's excessive bloodthirst. Which meant that he could once again drink alcohol without experiencing an almost painful and intensely bitter disappointment at every drop that passed his lips and wasn't blood.

He was still not a very social person, but could be found in various drinking establishments around the city, slowly making his way through the wide variety of unfamiliar alcohol. His usual habit was to order the strongest drinks on offer and work his way down from there.

2. A bloodless cut; two weeks before the end of June; open

D wasn't one to get involved in the affairs of others. Drunken brawls simply weren't his concern, and even when one escalated immediately to a lethal level and had people fleeing, D only glanced over briefly to see why everyone was screaming and running.

This was more than just a drunken argument getting out of hand, but apparently a case of corruption. The corrupted man was apparently not satisfied yet either, as he was lunging at the next nearest person with a jagged piece of wood from a broken chair.

Though he was half way across the room, D was suddenly next to the man in the blink of an eye. Before the sound of his sword being drawn could completely fade from the air his first slash had cut through the weapon, turning it from sharp enough to stab to a blunt end. The second slash, even faster and seeming no more than an arc of silvery light passed through the man's torso before he could stab the newly blunt end of his improvised weapon into his target.

Despite the arc of the slash that should've cut the man in half, he didn't even stumble. The man jabbed his newly blunted weapon against his target, only to realize it was no longer suitable for stabbing. D is the next target of his ire, the remaining stub of chair leg swung at him like a club was caught in D's left hand.

It was a waiting game now, to see how long it would take a corrupted person to drop from the very unusual slash he'd made that hadn't broken the skin or spilled a single drop of blood.

3. Wildcard

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"I suppose that's reasonable given the circumstances," Gaia allows. "That was certainly a situation you wouldn't want to... well, anyway." The teen shakes her head. The odds seem good that she doesn't have any bite behind her words. Whether it's her understanding of D's history or just the trust she's come to have in his motivations or a combination of both, she's willing to at least listen to his explanation.

She has to pause though when the dhampir tries to quantify just who or what she is.

"That's... I guess it's close to that. I'm certainly the same soul... or part of a person that once lived a very long time ago. And as an Ascian, it seems I died a hundred years ago." There's a cadence to her words. Ones that sound like she's telling a story she's heard from a third party or read in a book, rather than her own life. Even when Gaia speaks about her current life before coming to Trench...

"But it's not like there's a past Ascian sleeping inside me, waiting to wake up and take over if I use that power. And it's only partly because of the memories I have... or had of my current life. I chose to live the life I've currently been born into. As Gaia."

Reincarnation, not a sleeping power lying in wait to take possession. Though Gaia does huff in an expression of humor. Even if it's a little... not bitter. Melancholy almost though it could be mistaken for the former.

"The reason my memories were muddled even before I came here is because an Ascian attempted to reclaim who I was. But his means was to share his own memories of the me I once was, not awaken so-called dormant ones. He didn't have the means to do it in the same way as his superiors."

For all her umbrage and prickly behavior when the subject of having her memories manipulated comes up and this likely being the seated cause of that attitude, she seems oddly lacking in anger when talking about this Ascian individual.

"I don't think he had to erase the memories I'd gained in this life. But... he felt he had to I think." Gaia crosses her arms again. "It was wrong and not what I wanted... he wasn't able to listen to that any more. He just saw the person I was and wanted her back."

Well, Gaia is looking a little uncomfortable at this point. There's a lot unspoken in her recounting and it's probably easy to fill in some of the gaps. But there's also reluctance to just not speak about it. After all she has witnessed a lot of D's very personal history. It seemed to silly not to be willing to share this much.

"I don't know much about genuine reincarnation." Just the theories various people have had over the years. It's not a popular idea among the Nobility. Their lives are meant to be eternal, and they're already undead. Afterlife doesn't preoccupy them the way it does humans because they already have it if they can hold onto it.

"It's difficult, when someone wants you to be someone you aren't and won't listen." D's twin. D's father. The people who thought that D could stay and live with them. Though sometimes he had to wonder about that man and his motivations, what he wants from D.

"Do you have access to the strength you had then, or was that just a reflex to save yourself."

"To be honest, I didn't really get it when it was explained to me, other than the basics." She looks a little disgruntled. "I suppose I could have at one point." She probably had to have it explained to her again.

She focuses on D and her attitude shifts, nodding quietly in somber agreement. D may have lived and suffered much longer than she, but that just means he wholly understands. And she's glad to have someone who does when... well, when other friends aren't around.

Talking about her abilities though. That's a far safer target and she's glad to focus on it.

"Yes and no. Setting aside the changes I went through when I came to Trench, the downside to giving up on pursuing those memories is that I have to figure most things out the hard way. I've learned a few things. And I have a general idea of what I might be capable of. But it's not the same as knowing how to do it properly."

She would be the first to admit that she sounds a bit put out about this. Gaia offers a wry smile and shrugs.

"The blood magic I'm able to do is also similar to some of the things I should be able to do as an Ascian. Both feel natural but a different kind of natural. It's confusing." Again the disgruntled tone. "I can't tell if they're both balanced or one would get stronger than the other if I could focus to master one." The teen throws up her hands.

"It's really frustrating sometimes. As for using it to break free, I was trying to get it to do something but it was almost impossible to focus. I know I thanked you before, but I'm really grateful for your intervention."

D waits patiently and drinks his tea, which does more to warm him up than simply being out of the rain would be able to do so quickly doing the day.

"I see." D knows what he would do if he were in Gaia's situation, and he's hesitant to offer her any advice or options due to his continued influence on her mind. It's possible that she'll never fully be free of little habits and preferences from acquiring so much of his experience, but giving her space and time and pointing out those little differences might help.

"You don't need to thank me for helping with a problem I caused." His concerns have been settled, where they go from here is up to Gaia.

"Maybe so. But I'm grateful you're someone I can trust to do just that," Gaia counters. Take responsibility that is. Not everyone does.

There will be a bit of time taken to drink tea and see if D has anything else to ask questions about. Time also to think about what she's said, to flip to pages in the journal and reread the entries she's placed on the subject.

"D," she finally looks up. "Would it bother you if I were to write down some of your memories that I witnessed?" Gaia is then quick to add, "I won't if you don't want me to."

Rather than answer immediately, D remains quiet for a moment even though he already knows what he'll say the moment she asks. "Which memories?"

Some of them he will absolutely refuse, others D has no particular attachment to either way.

Gaia stops flipping the pages. Her fingers curve around the edge of the journal, holding onto it.

"Honestly, I don't think I could say them all for sure. I've.... still been sorting things out." She doesn't quite meet D's eyes at first. But finally the teen looks up.

"I had been thinking if I write everything down on paper, it would make it easier to look at objectively."

This is probably as close as she's come so far to admitting there's a small... let's say confusion in her life. One she's noticed.

D isn't very comfortable with the idea. There are many of his memories that he doesn't want recorded at all, and many more that are not his alone to speak of, but also the people who were there with him.

"Just don't write any of his names down. Or my mother." If he could, D would wipe his presence from the Earth. Even understanding why Gaia wants to, and how it would help her, D can't bring himself to approve of writing that down.

'His'. By the reaction Gaia has, it's clear she needs no clarification on who 'he' is. Crossed arms, an almost violent, angry jerk as if the thought brought with it a flash of anger.

"Well I can avoid that, certainly."

Wait, though. It's not her past. Not her anger... exactly. Well, the emotion is, but she shouldn't have such an intimate reaction to the thought. Dismayed with herself, Gaia tries to hide it by forcing herself to relax and returning her gaze to D so she can nod assurance.

"I'll be using a separate journal from this one," Gaia taps the one in her hands. "Something I can keep private. But also one you'll be allowed to read as well, if you want. If there's anything in there you want me to remove, I'll be able to do that easily."

That's clearly not an option for the one in her hands. But if Gaia writes it down in a separate place and transfers only the memories that are truly hers alone to a more 'permanent' home... well, that'll be a solution, right?

"Well, I suspect there might be other pieces I picked up last month that aren't even about you," Gaia then adds briskly, trying to cover her discomfort. Which is... true in a way but few would have impacted her so much as the blast from D's own. "So it's best to be sure that those get filtered out. Also, please don't mention it to Nara'a. I don't want him to worry. Especially since he knows he set off that ability too."

Last thing she needs is the Warrior of Light and Darkness to think he has caused her harm. Or for anyone to realize the difficulty while she's perfectly capable of (mostly) handling it on her own.

Probably.

It's hard to decide if the visceral reaction to mentioning him is due to the knowledge of the many terrible things he has done or had done at his command, or if it's a spillover from the memory of D's feelings.

As long as he isn't here, Gaia's memories won't be a danger that will draw his attention. "I won't say anything unless it's an emergency." D doesn't often volunteer information anyway, but he won't give his word he'll say nothing when there's a chance it may become necessary. There are easy enough ways around that even if he did say it, but he'd rather not complicate situations unnecessarily.

If this gets worse or doesn't approve, he may have to help more directly. They are his memories after all, they'll be easy for his Left Hand to locate even in someone else's mind.

Of course the 'unless it's an emergency' will draw a peturbed look but Gaia does allow for that after rolling her eyes a bit.

"I guess it'd be unreasonable to expect a better promise than that." Especially since she'd probably say the same. "Alright then. Just keep it in mind. Nara'a tends to burden himself with too much already because apparently the world expects it of him."

Quite literally in a way, to be honest. But that's a whole other tale. Closing and setting the journal in her hands off to the side, Gaia offers a rueful smile.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's noticed something though. He probably knows me a little better than I know myself if I'm to be truthful." Gaia reaches for the tea to get another drink. "I'd already lost a lot of the memories of this life before I came to Trench. It's not like I bothered to really search for my past and decided to move forward. Still there's probably a thing or two Nara'a could tell a story about."

"I'm not going to let a situation get worse than it needs to because of a promise like that. But I won't look for excuses to say it either," D agrees. That's very unreasonable. A lot of people would still ask him for such a promise, though, but D likes to think that Gaia was practical enough even before absorbing his memories. That's one of the things he likes about her.

He spends several moments considering his tea cup as Gaia talks about memories. "You are who you are now. You don't need to be the person he knew unless you want to be." D decides that more tea is a good idea, and waits until Gaia has refilled her cup to pour some for himself. "My memories were altered and removed as well. If you remember me finding that out, that part is real, not something you're mixing up between us."

There was only one person who could have done it, and he and Gaia both know it, even if she hadn't picked up on the fact that he'd had his memories messed with as well.

"I appreciate that," Gaia says honestly. And it's as much for the fact that D would ultimately act if things get bad as it is that he'll not go out of his way to find excuses to tell anyone.

It's not like the teen frowns all the time or anything. But gentle, full smiles aren't exactly common. This is one now, particularly when he speaks of encouraging her to be the person she wants to be.

"That was an example. I've already made the choice to make new memories going forward, not by dwelling on the past." Well sometimes looking back makes sense but overall she's willing to step forward and forge her own path, not the one others want for her. Though she cants her head to the side.

"And I hope you keep true to that as well, D." Gaia cants her head to the side as she watches him but seems also to be intentionally drawing on the memories she consciously recalls. "Well you've lived longer than I have but that just means more idiots who expect you to be what they want you to be, I imagine."

A shared experience toward removed and altered memories. Even before she had D's, she certainly had the ability to empathize. Though she thinks over it before nodding. "It might seem strange," Gaia offers while looking up again. "But there are a few things that are easier to tell apart. You'd think that would be one of the difficult ones, but it's not." That is to say the events surrounding her losing memories versus D's own. She then grimaces in a rueful way.

"I guess it's too early to say. But that's what it feels like. Writing it all down will help me sort it out better." Writing it down and taking a guess based onhow it 'feels'. Maybe that's what she should do.

D has in fact had many years of experience of people who want something from him he can't give. To be an older brother, or a lover, a member of a community or a teacher or fisherman. Some of them he could do if he wanted, and might even enjoy, but he could never give up the goals he was pursuing. This time in Trench is just a short break for him.

"I'm not sure how well your mind has all the sensory information from my memories, but an easy way to tell you're remembering one of mine is hearing heartbeats or breathing patterns. I usually keep count of them." Not always, sometimes D has to put all his attention on something else and leave himself vulnerable to being snuck up on. If Gaia gained only the information he was aware of at the time of a memory it won't be consistent as D has to tune out a lot of what comes in through his enhanced senses. "The pain from sunlight too."

But there's a difference between sorting out the memories themselves and the knowledge and influence caused by those memories. The preference for tea without sugar or cream, his preference for bitter flavors. "In addition to writing it down... some of the heartbeat and other physical control exercises might help, if you remember them."

They're in D's memories after all, and he's a master of them and they're part of what has given him such precise awareness of his own physical state at any moment.

If there is nothing else apparent, it's that Gaia is serious about her plans to find the difference between her memories and others. To this end she's listening; appreciating that D is offering advice on what to look for and work on.

"Hm," she considers. Briefly her eyes close to mull it over. "I think I know what you mean." Gaia has noticed some of these memories had aspects of D's senses. So much so that she's found herself sometimes feeling a little deafened by comparison. And some mornings still, waking up and hesitating to open the curtain. This she won't bring up. She's already admitted to enough details of her issues for one day.

And honestly it seemed cruel to mention how much more Gaia loves the sun pouring in on her.

Exercises though. Gaia looks like she's concentrating a moment.

"Maybe," she answers though she seems uncertain. "Could you show me sometime?" The memory may be there, like a half-forgotten technique that needs a refresher. It may manifest today or tomorrow or not at all. But clearly not at her beck and call. Gaia looks a little frustrated.

"Of course it couldn't be easy to find something useful," she notes in exasperation. She grimaces, remembering that she's speaking to the man whose memories they are.

"Sorry."

"I can go over them with you sometime, or write them down if you want. Most of them aren't useful for you, but some of them will help." D always knows exactly what his striking range is with his sword or hands, can tell when some chemical or other influence is elevating his heart rate or effecting his ability to breathe.

If Gaia has trouble distinguishing herself from D she might mis-reach or misstep in a fight, although D hasn't seen any signs of that in day to day life. "You've taken in a lot of terrible things in gaining my memories, I don't mind if you find some benefit among all the misery."

The teen does tend to favoring magic and some of her gained skills in archery thanks to Sasuke. The striking range of a bow (or magic) is certainly handled differently from that of arm or sword or hammer.

Well it's not as if Gaia wouldn't have taken some precaution to practice in private, aware as she seems to be of the issue. Well, 'private' in the sense that she considers it such. The reality might have been different. At least she isn't relying on luck.

It doesn't mean there won't be mishaps in the future. Nor interesting developments in her skill that subconsciously filter through. The graciousness in which D brings up the matter of the terrible things she's seen because of his memories earns a faint smile.

"I suppose that's a way to look at it." She won't brush off the terrible things she's seen in those memories because while she felt many, D knew them all personally and there were probably many more. "But even if there wasn't anything to gain, I won't let the experience drag me down."

D would prefer it if Gaia had simply let him or someone else lock all those memories away, but he understands her aversion to allowing it. He'd be just as reluctant, and perhaps that's part of the problem his own hesitance combined with hers.

"If you have questions about my memories, you can ask. I won't always answer but some of them might be less bleak with context." Not a lot of them, but some of them. D knows what's in his memories after all, and how rare the pleasant moments are among them. The weight of sadness from all of it is heavy enough for him and he doesn't want it to be too much for Gaia.

He drinks more of the tea, and glances upward. Though he can't see it, D is constantly aware of the sun. "I'm going to rest, I have work to do later."

Maybe it's a combination. But if there's anything Gaia would probably have been reluctant, without any other impetus, to let anyone manipulate would be her memories. Or what comes close. Of course, what might be a fallacy in this line of thinking is that she's still struggling at times to separate what memories are hers and what belong to others.

Well for now she seems to be addressing the issue in her own way. Gaia nods, "I'll definitely let you know if I have questions." But time is going on and D's comment brings a faint smile.

"I'm glad we could talk like this." About her history, the memories. And... finding something a little in common enough that both could understand the struggles in their own way. Standing, Gaia reaches out a hand in an offer to reclaim D's mug. "You go to rest. I'll clean up here." Though she does glance at the kettle and adds in an afterthought. "Though if you want to take another mug upstairs, just bring it back down before you leave. Oh and sorry to have to ask you this. But if you could check to make sure Jarem isn't up to anything before you rest..."

She would but... really. Nightmare horse. Who probably would listen to D far more than if Gaia went out there. Whatever the case, she'll set about doing her part of the cleanup and leave the dhampir to his own devices.

Edited 2022-07-24 04:33 (UTC)

D is going to take another mug of tea in that case. But the request about his nightmare steed has D pause and tilt his head, his senses focused outside. "He's not too far away. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything other than walking around. I'll come down to handle him if he causes problems."

He's good at waking up at the first sign of trouble without also waking to every other little noise.

Jarem has been difficult but D doubts he would pick a real fight with Gaia, and his stabbing attempts weren't the kind of lethal attacks D had faced when they first met. Things might get a little bloody but the steed had been more polite since meeting Snow White.

Well it was probably unfair to ask him to go out in the sun, if the rain has temporarily cleared. Though Gaia does grimace a little, she nods.

"Alright, I'll take your word for it." If she does have yard work, she'll just be extra vigilant. And have a weapon handy.

Once that's settled, Gaia leaves the room and for a while will be heard going about the kitchen and eventually, move on to other tasks while leaving D to his own devices.

D is just going to retreat upstairs and drink his tea and rest. The rain and being awake during the day is exhausting particularly as he's had more and more trouble sleeping at night even when his corruption is low.

When he does leave later on to go about his ~~day~~ night, he'll leave the mug clean and sitting back with the others.

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Live and die, and then... [open]

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