deercountry | i'm gonna leave my body ; i'm gonna lose my mind

Entry tags:

i'm gonna leave my body ; i'm gonna lose my mind

Who: Shiro & YOU [open]
What: When the Beasthood hits like a truck.
When: July
Where: Throughout Trench

Content Warnings: property damage, grief, self-worth problems, to be updated as needed

BEFORE ;; The House
He's remade this cup of tea more times than he wants to admit. More times than he should have had to. He knows the motions. He knows exactly what to do. But it never seems to come together. He's not sure how or why. The water heats. The bag steeps. But it's wrong. It's not coming out like it's supposed to.

It's just wrong.

It's wrong, he's wrong, the hole in his chest is wrong, there's silence where there should be bubbling warmth there should be shoulders to lean on there are no more containers in the fridge that smell like home he can't stop thinking it should have been different, it was supposed to be different, he should have been able to change things to stop things it should be fine, he should be fine he has to be fine.

I'm fine.

Yet again, he throws the wasted tea into the sink. It's stained brown by now with the sheer volume of discarded liquid. His hands shake. The right one hurts and he can't figure out why. It feels like something is disconnected under the metallic layer, sparking painfully with every motion. He should ask Hunk - no ask Varian no ask Chloe no ask -

- who is gone.

Pain writhes down his back. Warring with the sudden, nauseating rush of guilt. Because he wasn't strong enough, he wasn't good enough, he'd promised and they were all gone. All he can do is clamp down on the feelings, try to block the mental connection from being flooded with his own guilt, his own doubt. The aching, anxious grief threatening to choke him where he stands at the kitchen sink. His eyes burn, and he refuses to blink, lest the tears boil over.

I̸̙͠'̴̓͜m̸̨͒ ̶̨̑f̷̠͝i̶͓̚n̷̳̏e̵͖̐ I̸̙͠'̴̓͜m̸̨͒ ̶̨̑f̷̠͝i̶͓̚n̷̳̏e̵͖̐ I̸̙͠'̴̓͜m̸̨͒ ̶̨̑f̷̠͝i̶͓̚n̷̳̏e̵͖̐ I̸̙͠'̴̓͜m̸̨͒ ̶̨̑f̷̠͝i̶͓̚n̷̳̏e̵͖̐

He has to be fine.

The ocean roars in his ears.

He starts the tea again. Ignoring the raging ache in his hands, the tremble in his arms, or the slithering feeling of something oozing down his skin.

I̴̳̹͚͝'̶̡̤͂̿̎̅m̵̜͒͑ͅ ̸̰̪͉͕̀f̴̣̄i̴͚̽̎̍n̵̨͚̾̓ë̸͙̼́̽̚͝

All he hears is the sea.

DURING ;; The Streets
The sun is a deadly laser. It's high in the sky, high noon. Because of course it is. There are no clouds to be seen. But that hardly matters - a cloud of dust rises instead. Or maybe it's smoke. From this distance, it's hard to tell. The closer you get, the more apparent the source becomes. Especially when you see the Trenchies running from it.

From him.

Oh, it looks like Shiro. If all the color fully drained from his body. If the scars coating his skin turned to thick tar, and his eyes glazed to empty, glowing white. Something flickers around him, like a camera glitch. A dark outline, a shadow, the after-image of a bright flash. It moves, and Shiro moves in an answering echo. Reaching a hand into a pile of rubble - his right hand - letting it catch and burn with white flames.

It - he? - turns, then, head lolling to one side on its neck. Its face is utterly blank, expressionless. But the flickering, the blinking, jittery shape around it just smiles. An expression with far too many teeth. It speaks, and it speaks with the cadence of mimicry. Of a beast not understanding human words, human vocal chords.

" i̴͖̓͑͌͐̏'̵̰̰̗̂̌͐̊ṃ̶̳̠̈̆̋̆̋̕m̸̨̝̥͎̯̚m̵̺̒͑ͅ ̴̧͖͔̟͂̐F̴̦̹͈̲̊̄̈́Í̴̹͒̃̔̇n̸̦̅̌͘e̸̜̮͋̂͑̃͝.̶̡̢̘̠͈̜̽͐͘ "

That's it. That's all the warning. Before the Beast launches itself forward at nearby bystanders. Be they Trenchies, Hunters, or Sleepers.

It doesn't make a difference anymore. Nothing matters anymore.

DURING ;; The Shore
Ironically, the Beast's ultimate destination appears to be the Shore. The beach. The ocean. Where it continues to mutter and ramble to itself, pacing up and down the waterline. Occasionally, it will pick up a squid, examine it, and then hurl the creature back into the surf.

" Ń̵̛̪̍̄̈̈́Ö̷̙̦̲͈̜͔́T̴̮͍͕͚͑̎̄ ̴̢͈̻̙̟́̂͜g̶̢̼̘̃̇ọ̵͛͑̀͗ö̶̠́d̷͈̜̝̪̞̋̓ͅ ̸̰͙͋̒͛̚E̵̢̼̰͂N̵͚̦͉̝̿̆̈́́̌ȏ̸̡̮̖͖̤̠͌́̈́̀̌ȕ̶̱̗͛́̇̓̀g̵̘̪̪͍̑́h̴͓̰̣̤̣́̐̈́̂̕ "

At some points, it starts to race forward into the water, stopping when it gets knee-deep. Then it races back to the shore, almost scuttling. The black shadowy image around it snarling. Pulled back onto the sand by something it can't name, something it can't understand.

Whenever that happens, the Beast grabs rocks, or shells, or any kind of beach debris, hurling it into the ocean, angrily. Disrupting the Beast will cause it to turn that anger on any intruder. Anyone - friend, foe, new arrival, it doesn't matter. There's anger here, and it wishes to burn.

((ooc: Plotting comment is here, cure will be handled by Min-Gi, but all else welcome!))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He winces.]

[Shiro didn't really want to show it. Or show off how much that hit a nerve. It's not Keith's fault. He's not blaming him. It's just... a stark reminder of what happened. Of what happened again while he was too busy throwing people into the woods. Suddenly, he's the one who can't look the other in the eye. Who can't look and see anything but how much he failed all over again.]

[i̴̢̾ť̸̗ ̵͎͒s̶̻̕h̸͔̽o̸̳̽ȕ̴͙ḷ̶̈́d̴̬̀ ̵̫̚h̸̥̔a̴̲̾v̸̜͆ë̷̼́ ̶̰͝b̴̛ͅe̸̼̒ĕ̴̝n̷̤̋ ̴̡̋m̷͚̍e̶̩͛]

Yeah. [He manages, finally. It comes out rough, crackling. Like it's about to break.] Yeah, I ...

[His omen leaps onto the bed. Somehow managing to do so and not. Well. Break it. She settles in beside him, huge and comforting.]

I'm glad.

I um...

[Uuuuugh. Keith was regretting coming now. He'd mainly come to see if Shiro was okay, and that was accomplished, right? But he felt like he had to stay, like he had to apologize, like he needed to let Shiro know that he shouldn't blame himself.]

I'm... glad you're... awake.

[Yeah. That worked, right? Words were hard for Keith even in the best of times, and his head was still a bit scrambled from everything at this point, and he was emotional and upset... Figuring out what to say was just really hard.]

Hey.

[This is probably a very, very stupid question. But he has to ask. He has to know. He'll be left wondering, chasing around in his brain. So he props himself up more, until he's sitting on the edge of the bed, instead of sprawling in it.]

[It's a dumb question, but it's one he wants to ask. Has to ask.]

Are you okay?

[How can he help, what can he do, please tell him something...]

[Keith kept his gaze to one side for a few seconds.

Are you okay?

Was he? No. He most definitely was not. And, when he did bring himself to look back at Shiro again, his eyes were kind of wide and a little haunted looking. He'd been dead. Turned into crystal. Hatched out as a squid. And then turned back to himself. THAT WAS A LOT TO THINK ABOUT. Even if he didn't clearly remember the whole process, and, frankly, he was kind of glad he didn't.

He lowered his gaze to the floor again.]

I don't know...

[He didn't want to admit that he wasn't... but he honestly couldn't get himself to outright lie and say he was. He knew it was too obvious.]

Yeah.

[Shiro's own gaze is on the floor. It dropped there sometime around when Keith started speaking. Like looking at him again is going to spark the rush of guilt all over again.]

[He doesn't remember most of what happened. He just remembers the hurt. The grief and the guilt. How he should have been better. Should have controlled it - or seen the signs or - something. Anything.]

[And when he finally answers, his voice comes out hollow.]

Me either.

This kind of stuff... [That was as close as he could come to saying what happened.] It happens... here a lot?

[Shiro in beastmode... Keith getting possessed. Granted, they'd both been possessed in this place already before. Possession, oddly enough, he could handle. Hell, he'd experienced a lot of this sort of thing second-hand back home. But to himself? It was... different. A lot different.]

It... yeah. Yeah it does.

[But that doesn't make saying it any easier. That doesn't make admitting to it easier. His head is bowed. His eyes on the floor.]

It shouldn't have happened. I - [He made more mistakes. He screwed up, again. He locked everything down when he should have been sharing it. And then maybe, if he had, he'd have been able to - ]

I'm sorry.

[Keith looked legitimately confused.]

Why? You didn't do anything to me.

[Keith knew that whatever it was that had possessed him had nothing to do with Shiro. And, according to some others, it wasn't even a full on beastmode from corruption. It had just been... A Thing. Like when the mirrors happened.]

Yeah.

I didn't.

[He didn't do anything. He did nothing. He let himself become a monster while Keith was in danger. Let himself slide into Beasthood while his brother needed him. While he could have helped.]

[More reason he can't look Keith in the eye right now.]

...

Shiro?

[Was he... disappointed? Keith mentally flinched. That was it, wasn't it? Shiro finally just hit the limit on what he could tolerate, and this pushed him over the edge. Keith had let himself get possessed by whatever it was... again... and Shiro was just tired of it happening... tired of Keith getting into trouble.]

I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't've let it happen.

You have nothing to apologize to me for...

[Not for this. Absolutely not for this. He swallows, heavily, looking up at Keith, finally. The circles under his eyes look deeper, at this angle. The lines of his face harsher, cheeks more hollowed out.]

[it should have been me]

I let you down. Again... I...

I'm sorry.

[Keith shook his head sharply.]

No... no, it wasn't... I got myself in trouble. [AGAIN] This wasn't on you.

No. You don't -

I should have been there.

[How many more times is he going to have to say that? How many more times is he going to have to admit to what he's done? Or, rather, hasn't done. Because, how many more times is he going to relive that moment, standing at the edge of the Pit. Staring down.]

[Knowing he should have been down there with them all. But he was too weak. He was too powerless. All he could do was stand there and watch and hold a stupid rope while they suffered, while they died - ]

[it should have been me]

[It almost comes out. He almost says it. But his throat closes up. Rationality telling him it's different this time. This isn't the Pit, this isn't even Deerington anymore. But how many more times.]

[i̵̱̓t̸̛̟ ̵̨͊s̶͕̐ḩ̶̆o̷̬̐ù̸ͅl̶͓̈́d̷̜̏ ̴͈͝ḩ̶́a̷̤͠v̷̦͠e̸͖̋ ̸̦̃b̵̘͠e̶͓͋e̸̪̔n̸̡͊ ̶̮̈́m̴̛̫ḙ̷̽]

... I'm - supposed to be there. When you need me. And I wasn't.

[Keith hunched down a bit.]

It isn't on you to keep having to bail me out all the time.

[Okay, so... when Shiro hadn't been there at the Garrison, Keith got kicked out. But he fully acknowledged his own role in that. The fact that had he kept burdening Shiro by getting into trouble weighed on him.]

I just need to stop getting into trouble. It was my fault, and I can't keep expecting other people to get me out of it.

[Another shake of his head. Firmly. His jaw working while he tries to make the words come. While he tries to force them out around the tightening in his throat.]

That's not it. I - [Something damp is on his face. He doesn't lift his head to try and clear his eyes.] - we're a team. We're family. That's - that's what you do.

And I ... haven't.

But you have. You've been there for a lot of people. You told me about the Moon Presence, and found me on the beach that first day... [And, yeah... they'd kind of beat the daylights out of each other when the mirror possessions were happening. Keith remembered enough of that to know that they'd both been injured (even if Keith had outright lied and tried to tell Shiro he wasn't).] We got through the jungle thing.

[He sighed and finally came closer, gingerly sitting on the bed.]

I know a lot of people are gone from here now. [Losing people sucks. Keith's very familiar with that feeling.] And that's hard to think about and deal with. You weren't in a good place. I should have been more careful on my own. It just made things worse for you. And I'm sorry.

I wasn't there.

[Being on the beach, explaining the world, those don't matter in the face of the mistake. His mistake. Of what he'd failed to do. Why does no one ever understand that? Why does everyone keep excusing his failures like this?]

I should have - you needed me. But I was just - I just stood there. I couldn't go down there.

[Shiro that... isn't what happened here. It's not what happened in Trench. It's the Pit. It's the echoing emptiness underneath his feet, the gaping hole in the road reaching up to pull everyone down, to drown the people he cares about. He can hear it. He swears he can ear it in his ears. The dull, hollow screams and the roar of hollow space - the roar of a beast.]

[Keith's apologizing again. He wants to tell him not to. Wants to tell him he's done nothing wrong.]

It - should have been me...

Shiro... down where? [Keith was starting to get the impression that this was a lot deeper than just what's happened in Trench.] What happened? [He reached over to grab Shiro's hand.] Hey... look at me.

There! The - it was in the Pit...

[Years ago. It had been years ago. And it was still fresh and harsh. When everything went wrong. He hadn't been there - he hadn't been down there with them. And everything fell apart.]

[Shiro lost Allura.]

[Keith woke up screaming.]

[Lance never the same.]

[He hadn't been there. They were supposed to be a team, and he'd failed and everything unraveled. He can't look at him. He can't look at Keith's face and see the person he was supposed to support, the person he's supposed to be there for - and know he'd lost again. He - it should have been me. His hands clench in the sheets.]

I'm sorry.

[Keith reached over, putting a hand on one of Shiro's.

No one had told him about a 'pit'. At least, not that he could remember right now, but he didn't really trust his memory. A lot of things since arriving were kind of fuzzy between getting possessed and being mind controlled and a few other things. He frowned in concern.]

What do you mean? What's 'the Pit'?

The Pit -

[It's the contact that does it. His head jerks up, staring at Keith like he's seen a ghost. Words catching in his throat. They don't come out for a while, leaving him staring. Breathing hard.]

[No, the details don't match up. This isn't... Deerington. It's not Deerington anymore. But his mistakes are still here. They're still chasing him. He's still letting his friends, his family, his team down.]

... was in Deerington. It's not... here. Is it?

There's nothing here called that, no. [Keith shook his head. Sure, they had some holes in the ground a while back where people found some books, but... Well, no one had called it "The Pit".] There's no pit.

[He stares at Keith a few moments longer, to process that information. To think it over. The gears turning in his head as he slowly puts all the pieces together.]

I ... I'm sorry, I don't - I don't know why I thought...

[Except he does. That was the first death, wasn't it? The first time when things all started to fall apart. But - no. He won't put that on Keith so soon after his ordeal.]

Shiro? [Keith frowned.] What happened? Is this from the Nightmare? [It was easier right now to focus on Shiro and this problem.]

[Shiro once again falls silent, staring down at the ground between his feet. His hands curling into the sheets.]

[And ... slowly, he starts talking. It's monotone, halting. Like he's reciting from a mission brief gone wrong. But at least he's talking.]

A hole opened up. In front of the hospital in Deerington. People started getting sick - the flu, but worse. There were things... down there. In the hole. In the Pit. But we thought it might lead out of town.

I couldn't - I couldn't go. Too sick, again. All of you went down there.

You... Allura. You didn't. Come back.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject