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deercountry2021-10-08 06:14 pm
reddosmod) wrote in deercountry2021-10-08 06:14 pm
Entry tags:
- *event,
- abby anderson: c,
- anakin skywalker: michele,
- ange ushiromiya: jelle,
- anna amarande: celene,
- ariadne: wizera,
- catra: pink,
- childe: bean,
- diluc ragnvindr: samuel,
- faolan: teresa,
- fern: pan,
- flynn fairwind: teresa,
- goro akechi: kei,
- izuku "deku" midoriya: tea,
- kaeya alberich: daisy,
- katherine pierce: jade,
- kd6-3.7: moz,
- lance: charley,
- luke skywalker: skyla,
- lumine: trix,
- luna lovegood: cheryl,
- luz noceda: pedro,
- manabu yuuki: elle,
- mebh og mactire: oggy,
- nehan: ray,
- orpheus: qv,
- peter graham: jhey,
- ryan akagi: billie sue,
- savage opress: vette,
- soldier blue: elle,
- stiles stilinski: charley,
- the medicine seller: greenrivers,
- tsume: shade,
- usagi tsukino: jax,
- varian: tf,
- wanda maximoff: jade,
- wei wuxian: tohma,
- willow rosenberg: lucy,
- winter schnee: mesi,
- wu: mads,
- yuri lowell: mads
Because one day, I'll leave you a phantom
OCTOBER 2021 EVENT
IMAGE DESCRIPTORS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
Prompt One
[Image One: Band playing on moving float with people in masks walking behind.]
[Image Two: Woman in gas mask and elaborate ballgown.]
Prompt Two
[Image One: Man looking away while creepy corpse-like woman puts hand on window.]
[Image Two: Two contorted girls crawling across floor with blood flowing out.]
Prompt Three
[Image One: Headless horseman with jack-o-lantern rearing on horse.]
[Image Two: Annabelle doll rocking on its own in chair.]
WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE
LONELINESS KILLS: THE CURSE OF CLOVERFIELD
LEGENDS OF TRENCH
CODINGPrompt One
[Image One: Band playing on moving float with people in masks walking behind.]
[Image Two: Woman in gas mask and elaborate ballgown.]
Prompt Two
[Image One: Man looking away while creepy corpse-like woman puts hand on window.]
[Image Two: Two contorted girls crawling across floor with blood flowing out.]
Prompt Three
[Image One: Headless horseman with jack-o-lantern rearing on horse.]
[Image Two: Annabelle doll rocking on its own in chair.]
WHEN: During the daytime every day of October
WHERE: Throughout the streets of Cellar Door and Willful Machine.
CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A
WHERE: Throughout the streets of Cellar Door and Willful Machine.
CONTENT WARNINGS: N/A
The Black Parade has begun in Trench. You will begin to see residents painting skulls and monsters onto their faces, even the ones who abide by practical lifestyles. By the first week of October, you won't see a single resident of Trench without facepaint or a mask of some kind obscuring their face.
"It's for the Black Parade," they say, "It's to keep us safe. You should start painting your face too. You should disguise yourself so they can't find you."
Who, you might ask? Anyone dangerous. It's vague and unsettling, but you think maybe they are onto something. Call it intuition or basic common sense. Stalls pop up all around Trench selling cheap masks and costumes. They aren't exactly Halloween costumes. There's less of a focus on becoming something and more of a focus on looking different than you currently do.
Then the Black Parade really takes off. Black and white confetti seem to fall from the sky and you can hear the distant sound of trumpets and drums. You can feel the earth give small tremors and Trenchies begin to flock to Cellar Door and the Willful Machine. They line the streets and you can see why: a literal parade is coming through. Stages are set with talented musicians rocking out, singing into wireless, floating moonlit mics. Incredible, giant puppets walk through the streets guided by a dozen talented Architects. Other people move about in stilted costumes, elaborate gowns. Some performers set up small, stationary areas to perform for smaller crowds. The sky is filled with massive and unusual kites. Find one among the many stalls or make your own!
Stalls hand out candied applies, foil-wrapped candies, and roasted pumpkin seeds by the bundles. Hot ciders are kept in barrels ready to be served up in tin mugs, with or without alcohol. It's a festive atmosphere that seems to go nonstop 24/7 throughout October but exclusively in these areas. It's a good place to go to avoid some of the haunts of October and to have a good time. Why not get involved? Make your own puppet, float, or costumes, and join in the fun. Chunks of the road are reserved for parades, but others have been sectioned off for people to dance and mingle about. You quickly learn that face-paint and masked/concealed faces seem to be a good way of avoiding the attention of beasts, angry Pthumerians, and other unusual creatures in Trench.
It's not a foolproof method, but October largely celebrates the safety of ambiguity and is one of the few times the practical and pleasure factions get along. Get your face painted up or pick out a costume - it's both aesthetic and life-saving! The Black Parade is held annually every October all October long and is considered a significant Trench holiday. Many people refer to the costumes specifically as "Black Parade" costumes and sentiments commonly exchanged at this time include: Have a blessed and safe Blood Moon; May your Seasons pass unseen; Bless the many faces of cleverness; May you go unseen by the blood; Blessed Black Parade.
QUICK FACTS
1. Halloween costumes you can buy at the store won't be available unless a character intentionally makes one. Most of the costumes in Trench are more or less eccentric make-up looks and unusual masks. They look a lot more like Cirque du Soleil costumes than Halloween costumes.
2. Characters can have multiple costume/face-paint/mask changes throughout the month. No one will be forced into these - but it is strongly, culturally encouraged for everyone's safety to dress up!
"It's for the Black Parade," they say, "It's to keep us safe. You should start painting your face too. You should disguise yourself so they can't find you."
Who, you might ask? Anyone dangerous. It's vague and unsettling, but you think maybe they are onto something. Call it intuition or basic common sense. Stalls pop up all around Trench selling cheap masks and costumes. They aren't exactly Halloween costumes. There's less of a focus on becoming something and more of a focus on looking different than you currently do.
Then the Black Parade really takes off. Black and white confetti seem to fall from the sky and you can hear the distant sound of trumpets and drums. You can feel the earth give small tremors and Trenchies begin to flock to Cellar Door and the Willful Machine. They line the streets and you can see why: a literal parade is coming through. Stages are set with talented musicians rocking out, singing into wireless, floating moonlit mics. Incredible, giant puppets walk through the streets guided by a dozen talented Architects. Other people move about in stilted costumes, elaborate gowns. Some performers set up small, stationary areas to perform for smaller crowds. The sky is filled with massive and unusual kites. Find one among the many stalls or make your own!
Stalls hand out candied applies, foil-wrapped candies, and roasted pumpkin seeds by the bundles. Hot ciders are kept in barrels ready to be served up in tin mugs, with or without alcohol. It's a festive atmosphere that seems to go nonstop 24/7 throughout October but exclusively in these areas. It's a good place to go to avoid some of the haunts of October and to have a good time. Why not get involved? Make your own puppet, float, or costumes, and join in the fun. Chunks of the road are reserved for parades, but others have been sectioned off for people to dance and mingle about. You quickly learn that face-paint and masked/concealed faces seem to be a good way of avoiding the attention of beasts, angry Pthumerians, and other unusual creatures in Trench.
It's not a foolproof method, but October largely celebrates the safety of ambiguity and is one of the few times the practical and pleasure factions get along. Get your face painted up or pick out a costume - it's both aesthetic and life-saving! The Black Parade is held annually every October all October long and is considered a significant Trench holiday. Many people refer to the costumes specifically as "Black Parade" costumes and sentiments commonly exchanged at this time include: Have a blessed and safe Blood Moon; May your Seasons pass unseen; Bless the many faces of cleverness; May you go unseen by the blood; Blessed Black Parade.
QUICK FACTS
1. Halloween costumes you can buy at the store won't be available unless a character intentionally makes one. Most of the costumes in Trench are more or less eccentric make-up looks and unusual masks. They look a lot more like Cirque du Soleil costumes than Halloween costumes.
2. Characters can have multiple costume/face-paint/mask changes throughout the month. No one will be forced into these - but it is strongly, culturally encouraged for everyone's safety to dress up!
WHEN: October
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Psychological-based curse, feelings of intense loneliness, mental health.
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Psychological-based curse, feelings of intense loneliness, mental health.
It is said that the Blood Moon reminds Cloverfield of those he has lost over the decades. They say that the howling wind is actually the sound of Cloverfield's cries and there seems to be some truth to that. He can be seen wandering the Farther Shores and watching the moon. If you seek out Cloverfield and offer him comfort and companionship, he will bless you with a worn picture of a loved one or someone you miss desperately or even just a place you miss...Even if it's impossible for such a picture to exist.
Of course, not everyone will visit Cloverfield. Cloverfield's loneliness begins to curse the city of Trench. Sleepers will be impacted the most heavily as their blood will directly react to this curse. Sleepers who have a good sense of relationship may be able to avoid the curse, but those who often feel lonely or homesick will start to feel worse and worse as the days go by.
Eventually, their loneliness begins to manifest as a corpse-like version of themselves or the person they care about most. This corpse follows them around everywhere like a shadow. You won't notice your own Loneliness, but other people might, especially palebloods, Night Walkers, and Disciples. These corpses don't seem to care about anything or anyone and at first don't seem violent...But eventually, this Loneliness becomes consuming.
Once it does, you too will contort, and you and your Loneliness will soon be crawling about on all fours, blood floating out of you in thin streams. You'll be lost to your feelings of loneliness, stalking the streets with your Loneliness, looking for companionship. Of course, you're completely corrupt at this point, so your version of finding companionship most likely involves accidentally suffocating someone or other violent actions. Some people may never become violent once they are in the Final Stage, but the blood constantly flowing from them will create heavy blood pollution and may draw in far more dangerous creatures. You really don't want Lonely People walking around!
Better start some conversations - even if these Lonely People are creepy as hell. But, then again, they are just lonely. Hopefully, you will find peace of mind and find your people. Hopefully, you will banish loneliness...For the time being.
QUICK FACTS
1. This curse will impact people who are more isolated than others. Interaction with other people or animals will alleviate the curse and may completely stop it for some.
2. You can stop the curse at the corpse stage by confronting a Sleeper and opening up an emotional conversation about their loneliness. This may not always work, but the more the conversation works for the Sleeper, the more effective. The corpse will fleck away once the curse has been reversed.
3. Curses can continue to come back throughout October, but once you've experienced it once, it's less likely to occur again.
4. The Final Stage of the curse is the hardest to stop and most of the time, it's easiest to just kill the Cursed. It's easier to kill them than talk them out of their loneliness, but it is not impossible to talk them out of it. It requires dedication, patience, and some serious cleverness on how to survive a monster trying to kill you at the same time.
5. Loneliness can be widely interpreted once in the Final Stage. People should generally still look like themselves. How people act in this stage can vary from character to character and should be centric to how characters deal with their loneliness in general. If they're prone to shutting people out, then maybe their Loneliness is aloof and distant. If they're prone to clinging to toxic people, then maybe their Loneliness is accidentally violent. It's open to interpretation.
Of course, not everyone will visit Cloverfield. Cloverfield's loneliness begins to curse the city of Trench. Sleepers will be impacted the most heavily as their blood will directly react to this curse. Sleepers who have a good sense of relationship may be able to avoid the curse, but those who often feel lonely or homesick will start to feel worse and worse as the days go by.
Eventually, their loneliness begins to manifest as a corpse-like version of themselves or the person they care about most. This corpse follows them around everywhere like a shadow. You won't notice your own Loneliness, but other people might, especially palebloods, Night Walkers, and Disciples. These corpses don't seem to care about anything or anyone and at first don't seem violent...But eventually, this Loneliness becomes consuming.
Once it does, you too will contort, and you and your Loneliness will soon be crawling about on all fours, blood floating out of you in thin streams. You'll be lost to your feelings of loneliness, stalking the streets with your Loneliness, looking for companionship. Of course, you're completely corrupt at this point, so your version of finding companionship most likely involves accidentally suffocating someone or other violent actions. Some people may never become violent once they are in the Final Stage, but the blood constantly flowing from them will create heavy blood pollution and may draw in far more dangerous creatures. You really don't want Lonely People walking around!
Better start some conversations - even if these Lonely People are creepy as hell. But, then again, they are just lonely. Hopefully, you will find peace of mind and find your people. Hopefully, you will banish loneliness...For the time being.
QUICK FACTS
1. This curse will impact people who are more isolated than others. Interaction with other people or animals will alleviate the curse and may completely stop it for some.
2. You can stop the curse at the corpse stage by confronting a Sleeper and opening up an emotional conversation about their loneliness. This may not always work, but the more the conversation works for the Sleeper, the more effective. The corpse will fleck away once the curse has been reversed.
3. Curses can continue to come back throughout October, but once you've experienced it once, it's less likely to occur again.
4. The Final Stage of the curse is the hardest to stop and most of the time, it's easiest to just kill the Cursed. It's easier to kill them than talk them out of their loneliness, but it is not impossible to talk them out of it. It requires dedication, patience, and some serious cleverness on how to survive a monster trying to kill you at the same time.
5. Loneliness can be widely interpreted once in the Final Stage. People should generally still look like themselves. How people act in this stage can vary from character to character and should be centric to how characters deal with their loneliness in general. If they're prone to shutting people out, then maybe their Loneliness is aloof and distant. If they're prone to clinging to toxic people, then maybe their Loneliness is accidentally violent. It's open to interpretation.
WHEN: All October
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Ghosts, Themes of death.
WHERE: Everywhere
CONTENT WARNINGS: Ghosts, Themes of death.
Unfortunately, not everyone can gain control of their loneliness. As blood is spilled throughout Trench over loneliness, this blood pollution festers and begins to claim poor souls. Corruption leads way to beasthood and people lost to this find themselves transforming into familiar, legendary ghost stories of old-world lore. These Legendary Ghosts come out primarily at night. As the Black Parade established, anyone who keeps their faces disguised with make-up or masks will be completely safe from the Legendary Ghosts. Though if you go after a Legendary Ghost in a costume, you'll only be safe until you attack them. It's not a bad move for a sneak attack though!
...But those who forgot to dress up or felt like such superstitions wouldn't work...
Congratulations, you might come across the path of a Dullahan: a headless horseman carrying a whip made from a spinal cord, ready to throw basins of blood on you and draw in other beasts. Or maybe you encounter a far more subtle Legendary Ghost. Maybe you see a hitchhiker on the side of the road and decide to give them a ride, but when you look in your rearview mirror, they are no longer in your backseat. While most of these Legendary Ghosts are intending to harm you and spread more blood pollution, some just seem to be genuinely lost souls, lost to corruption, lost to their own failures and loneliness. In some cases, freeing them is protecting yourself and others, but in other cases, freeing them is just simple kindness.
You may meet a ghost bride who is waiting eternally for her wedding by one of the shrines in Cassandra. Maybe you meet a ghostly scholar at the Archives in Gaze. The spirits range widely and seem to haunt every corner of Trench - including your own homes. The only real way to deter a Legendary Ghost from your home is by heavily decorating your home with things like jack-o-lanterns, fake blood splatters, fake gravestones, and various other death-centric decor. This seems to repel Legendary Ghosts as they see it as a reminder of their own fate. Some are angered by the decorations while others are terrified by them and seem incapable of telling the difference between real blood and fake blood.
QUICK FACTS
1. These corrupt souls can be saved through blood rituals/magic/ghost banishings relying on blood artifacts. This will usually put the soul to rest - it will not bring people "back to life."
2. While it is mostly Trenchies turning into these beings, Sleepers can also be transformed into Legendary Ghosts. We provide a general outline, but the idea is that people are turning into legendary ghost stories so you can play with your own ideas/canons.
While Trenchies cannot be saved, we leave it up to you if a Sleeper could be brought back to themselves or if they will have to "die" to be cured of their Legendary Ghost status.
3. You can use famous Legendary Ghosts from around the world. We gave a few examples, but have fun with this! The Legendary Ghost-like creature you go with should generally be "ghost-like" / have to do with death specifically. They do not need to be exclusively evil/violent spirits, but many are.
...But those who forgot to dress up or felt like such superstitions wouldn't work...
Congratulations, you might come across the path of a Dullahan: a headless horseman carrying a whip made from a spinal cord, ready to throw basins of blood on you and draw in other beasts. Or maybe you encounter a far more subtle Legendary Ghost. Maybe you see a hitchhiker on the side of the road and decide to give them a ride, but when you look in your rearview mirror, they are no longer in your backseat. While most of these Legendary Ghosts are intending to harm you and spread more blood pollution, some just seem to be genuinely lost souls, lost to corruption, lost to their own failures and loneliness. In some cases, freeing them is protecting yourself and others, but in other cases, freeing them is just simple kindness.
You may meet a ghost bride who is waiting eternally for her wedding by one of the shrines in Cassandra. Maybe you meet a ghostly scholar at the Archives in Gaze. The spirits range widely and seem to haunt every corner of Trench - including your own homes. The only real way to deter a Legendary Ghost from your home is by heavily decorating your home with things like jack-o-lanterns, fake blood splatters, fake gravestones, and various other death-centric decor. This seems to repel Legendary Ghosts as they see it as a reminder of their own fate. Some are angered by the decorations while others are terrified by them and seem incapable of telling the difference between real blood and fake blood.
QUICK FACTS
1. These corrupt souls can be saved through blood rituals/magic/ghost banishings relying on blood artifacts. This will usually put the soul to rest - it will not bring people "back to life."
2. While it is mostly Trenchies turning into these beings, Sleepers can also be transformed into Legendary Ghosts. We provide a general outline, but the idea is that people are turning into legendary ghost stories so you can play with your own ideas/canons.
While Trenchies cannot be saved, we leave it up to you if a Sleeper could be brought back to themselves or if they will have to "die" to be cured of their Legendary Ghost status.
3. You can use famous Legendary Ghosts from around the world. We gave a few examples, but have fun with this! The Legendary Ghost-like creature you go with should generally be "ghost-like" / have to do with death specifically. They do not need to be exclusively evil/violent spirits, but many are.
no subject
That's a pretty...all-encompassing response to what she has to say. He knows it won't be something that's ever going to go away. He's lost too many people of his own to be naive enough to believe that anymore. It's not that he doesn't wish it for her, of course, he does, but he knows it wouldn't happen.
"It's fine. That you keep missing him? And that...that thing you see remind you of him? That's normal. I'd...I'd be worried about you if that didn't happen."
Because that would mean she'd be keeping her emotions bottled up to even worse degrees than she is already. He doesn't want that for her- she keeps too much to herself as is. He squeezes her a little tighter.
"And when you need someone to talk to about feeling like that...just let me know, okay? I- I chose here too and I do understand how bad that guilt can feel. I mean...I don't regret it, but I do understand it. You're not alone in this, okay?"
no subject
How was she supposed to be GLAD about blood and corpses and monsters and corruption all. the. fucking. time. compared to Earth and her friends and family.
"And it's not comforting to think some OTHER me is running around doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. It just makes me HATE myself more because I want to be her instead. I want to be here and there at the same time but I can't have both and sometimes I feel I chose wrong."
She wants to scream sometimes. "I tell myself that I will see them again, I will meet my loved ones again, that this is just a part of my journey. But everyone... everyone says THIS is forever. I don't want... I don't want to be IMMORTAL IN THIS HELL!" she finally screams out, miserable at the confession.
She hates that she's put this at Varian's feet because this was ultimately her choice, above all else, she picked this.
And she absolutely hated that she did.
Because it didn't feel like she was going to go home again.
She felt like she was trapped and she had done this to herself.
no subject
"Well, that's the choice you made and that's where you are now."
He's trying to keep his voice even- as much as he wants to comfort her, he's also not going to sugarcoat it. They're here. They chose to be here and it seems like that choice is permanent. He feels...well, it's not regret about leaving Corona behind. He misses the people he has there, absolutely, but he can't regret the choice that led him here. Not for a second. He worries if that says more about him than it does Usagi.
He moves his hand to brush lightly through her hair, trying to provide some comfort. That seems to help with Fern, so he hopes it does for her, too.
"I'm sorry, I know it's...gotta hurt a lot. I wish we could be able to jump between worlds, live the best of both of them. But Usagi...you can't hate yourself for the choice you made," he says it gently, but with resolve. "You did what you thought was best, and no one can judge you for that...not...not even yourself. And you...you didn't know it would be this. None of us knew it would be this we just...gambled with it. But that's...it's not something you can beat yourself up for. "
CW: mentions of past sexual assault
Or perhaps, she hadn't been selfish, she had been so incredibly foolish.
She had thought that she of all people could still go home. In everything else that she had achieved, in her constant, constant proof over and over and over and over again that she didn't ACTUALLY have a choice in her future, that everything was pre-destined and everyone was lying about how much the future wasn't set in stone, all she kept hearing, time and again was how much everything was going the way it was "supposed" to.
Which was honestly the most upsetting part.
It meant, potentially, on some level, she was going to be a shitty mom again. It meant that Death Phantom was going to show up again, and be a cult-leading genocidal maniac again. Except, rather than just KILLING him for his multiple crimes against humanity, because he's technically human, she was going to exile him and his cult to another planet again. Then they would get to become bitter and plan for attacking her and Earth again. Her daughter was going to get brainwashed again. Her past self was going to be kidnapped and sexually assaulted again. Mamoru was also going to be brainwashed and also sexually assaulted again, and that was just her 15-year-old self's little escapade.
Everything else kept repeating and maybe, on some level she hoped to stop the cycle by coming to Trench.
But maybe she also thought it was part of her journey and she would just go home.
Hell, maybe that's why she kept repeating her mistakes, she kept winding up here and some idiot doppelganger who didn't understand making new choices was now going to become Neo-Queen Serenity.
Who could say?
But she hated it.
She hated not having Mamoru and her family and her cat. She hated that she had picked here over Earth even if she had some of the girls. She wanted all of them, in her selfishness, in her gluttony for friendship, she wanted all of her loved ones, not just some of them.
At the mention that she couldn't even judge herself, she bit her tongue to keep from laughing in disdain.
Oh, watch her.
No one hated her more than she hated herself right now.
She had pushed and shoved and hidden away this bitterness, and it was trying, desperately to cause a deluge now that she had opened the valve on it just a bit.
But she tapped down even harder.
No one wanted to hear about her being upset with her bad choices. No one wanted to hear that she was unhappy because she willingly picked a shitty nightmare hell-hole. She was sure she would know what anyone would say. How could you be shocked, Usagi? How could you be surprised? They all hinted at it, didn't they? Moon Presence said she would try to protect them as best she could, well why the FUCK would she if wherever they were going was NICE?
How much of an idiot could she be?
If she doesn't show it, then no one ever has to know how ugly her heart is. How selfish she is. How much of a glutton for attention she is.
She just has to push it further down.
Until even she can pretend it doesn't exist.
And she's hurt Varian too, with this brief confession. She shouldn't have said anything. She realizes that now. Now he's always going to wonder, now he's always going to worry.
Usagi lets out a breath, trying to think what the right thing to say is. But she's a very emotive person. The shift is one she can't really prevent from being seen, she's not a skilled actress, not in that way.
So the change, is clear.
But she's laid enough at Varian's feet. She's hurt him enough today.
"It's just something I'll have to live with, I suppose."
no subject
Something deep and unpleasant settles in the back of his mind, adding to what's already there- it's a feeling he hasn't let grow this loud for a while but grow it does. He should have seen this sooner. He should have helped her sooner. He can say he didn't notice Fern's plight through exhaustion and external forces, but he can't say the same here. Once is a mistake but twice? Twice is just being neglectful.
"Just because you have to live with it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be upset about it."
His voice wavers- he's noticed what she's doing and it's making his chest hurt tight and painful.
"You need to be able to talk about it, Usgai. You- you can't just keep this sort of thing to yourself. You...just let us help you. Please."
no subject
She made bigger shows of being upset about little things so no one noticed when she was quiet about the bigger things.
And it wasn't that she didn't want their help, but how do you help with this? They can't go home, they can NEVER go home again, apparently. She would just go back to being a squid and she had messed up in such a spectacular fashion. Ignorance did not excuse what she had done.
She ran her tongue along her teeth and suddenly tasted milk-like copper on her tongue.
Wait, had she just cut her tongue? Much more carefully, she ran her tongue along her front teeth.
Oh...
Oh, they were fangs now.
She inhaled sharply.
She stares at the ground for a long moment, trying to figure out what to do. Should she say something? He just pleaded with her to let them help. To let others help her. She moved and pulled Varian into a hug, her fingers curling into his shirt, her eyes burning, her mouth filled with blood.
Usagi swallowed it, the cut would be small enough that she just needed to stay silent long enough, for just a moment, and it'd heal quickly. She looked up at the sky, taking deep breaths.
This was supposed to be a fun day.
This was supposed to be about being someone else.
Maybe she could be someone who allowed her loved ones to help her. When had she gotten so bad at letting them? When had she stopped saying anything? Why had she? She always went on about needing other people, about how they should all be there for one another.
Maybe she just didn't want to be a problem on top of all the other problems this place had. Wasn't it enough that Varian had had all that paranoia and the inability to sleep? Or how Makoto couldn't eat or drink without getting drunk or high? Wasn't it bad enough that anyone who was a Paleblood was getting headaches without being by someone? And then there had been the Bloodlust, or whatever the hell it was called, the rivers of regret where corpses were strewn. Usagi had been spared that but she knew it happened all the same.
It was just one thing after another after another. Just like Deerington.
And she didn't want to be a problem.
Or maybe, a much more base part of her was scared, that if she said anything, no one would care because there was so much going on.
'Oh, you're sad because you picked here instead of home, boohoo, get over it. You're here now, literally nothing you can do. You wanna add to everyone's problems with something YOU picked?'
But Varian's voice cuts through and she takes a deep breath. The milk taste is gone, her tongue must have healed enough that the bleeding stopped. She held his face with both of her hands and pressed their foreheads together.
"I'm sorry I keep making you so worried. I wish I understood why I'm so scared about being helped."
no subject
Usagi takes hold of his head and for a split second, he almost pulls away. His shoulders tense like he's about to- but then he gives in, resting his head against hers, his eyes closing as he tries to fight back the flood of bad thoughts surging in his head.
"You...you know none of us are going to judge you for it right? We...we won't think lesser of you because you need help?"
Because that's definitely something that worries him. Not measuring up. Being lesser.
CW: Suicidal Ideation
She knew, to some degree, the root of the problem was the consistently high standards she held herself to. She was supposed to be some grand, elegant, sophisticated, calm, and wise queen, unperturbed by practically everything and anything.
Although... now that she was here... Well, she supposed she wasn't anything anymore.
She was back to being Usagi again. Serenity just... was also around, now.
This wasn't her Earth, this wasn't her moon. She was some stupid squid thing.
So what had all her sacrifices meant then? What had it all been for? Some OTHER Usagi was living her life now.
Maybe the new Usagi was going to be able to be the kind, elegant, sophisticated, calm, graceful queen everyone expected. Usagi knew she'd never be able to become that, not ha- not even in a thousand years. Maybe she was always meant to disappear, just like everything else kept happening, and the other Usagi took her place.
Maybe it was better for Earth that she did disappear.
Her vision blurred, again, and she felt tears falling down her cheeks and onto her hands. She was being such a crybaby.
"But... I don't know who I am anymore," she sobbed out, putting the back of her hand to her lips to try and keep her fangs hidden. "So much of my life... got tied up in what was revealed to me. And everyone had dreams outside of that except me. I only... I only ever kept getting ready for what I was supposed to become. But what am I supposed to become now?"
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But then, he's good at that on himself, too. Between them, they make one hell of a self-destructive pair. It's a good thing they did find each other, he realises. Because if nothing else, the other can always fight against the self-loathing the other feels. To constantly stand there and shout that they are wrong, that those feelings simply aren't a true reflection of the person feeling them. Not at all.
To make the other know at least one person felt like they deserved to keep existing.
He reaches out to grip her wrist, he doesn't pull it from her mouth, at least- the action is meant to be comforting, steadying, rather than trying to find out what she's hiding.
"You're supposed to be Usagi Tsukino," he says, steady despite how much this is breaking his heart in half. "You're supposed to be a... a kind, caring person who obnoxiously puts everyone else before herself even if she really needs to learn to look after herself sometimes, too. You're supposed to be clumsy and loud and sometimes a little bit overbearing. You're...you're supposed to be imperfect and make mistakes and just...just exist."
He lets out a slow, unsteady breath. He can see orange-yellow creeping into the periphery of his vision- the creaking sound of growing amber. He tries to shut it out.
"You're supposed to... to just be."
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When she listens to Varian list what she was supposed to be, she smiled. And it had felt like an eternity since she last had. She couldn't hide her fangs with the way he made her smile. She laughed. She actually laughed. How could she not when he made her sound... well certainly more amazing than she currently felt. She sobbed again, but a happy laughing one.
"It's been a while since I've been allowed to do that, to be honest."
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"Yeah, well- maybe it's about time you-"
His sentence trails off, eyes widening as they drop on her mouth.
"...Usagi. What- what happened to your teeth?"
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"They... just came. I didn't have them this morning," she whispered. "Do they... look bad?" she looked down at her hands. "Do you... think it's the holiday?" no one has quite explained all the stages of corruption (or any of them, actually) to Usagi. "How do I get rid of them?"
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"They just came?" he frowns, he remembers reading things in the library, about corruption and beasthood and- he swallows thickly. "Usagi it's...have you heard what the Hunters have been saying? What they've written down? This...this can happen to us. It's...it's something in our blood. It turns us into- into something else if we don't try and calm it down. That's why they sell so much incense here, to try and stop it from happening. "
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She pressed a hand to her mouth. She had already been fearing turning back into that version of Serenity, going so far as to ask the girls to kill her if there was even a hint of her. But had it been for nothing?
Did she need to stay away from people to keep them safe? Was that the trick? If she stayed away, she couldn't hurt them, right? "I... I have incense, yeah..." she hadn't been using some all that much recently, but she didn't think it was that big of a deal, she had been saving it for when things REALLY got bad here in case getting more was not possible.
Was she going to hurt her loved ones again?
"I'll... I'll go home. I'll use incense then until the fangs disappear."
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"Y...yeah. Do you remember how Sleepers could turn into monsters in October? It's...like that, only not focused on one single month. From what I was reading, it can happen any time."
He nods, incense seems to be a good idea. Most of the texts he could get his hands on were written by hunters- who had a very final way of dealing with beasts. It seemed once people went too far, that was that, and it scared him a lot.
"I wish I still had the antidote. I don't even know if it would work here."
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"Varian... Varian, I can't turn back into her," she whispered, slightly becoming more panicked at the thought. "I maimed... I killed so many people, I hurt- Varian- Varian I CAN'T become her again!"
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He's not going to lie to her, not even to calm her down. He squeezes her arms, firm, steady.
"But we'll figure this out, okay? Even if it means putting you somewhere out of the way while it happens. It might NOT be her. Did...she didn't have fangs, right?"
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"Maybe we did," she nodded. She blinked and for a moment it felt like the fangs were gone but then when she ran her tongue along her teeth, no, they were still sharp. It must have just been her hoping for it.
"I... did the Hunters happen to say how the corruption goes away?"
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So neither exceptionally easy ways of clearing it.
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Maybe, hopefully...
She inhales and exhales slowly. "Blood I can avoid, mostly. But I'll... I'll think of something for the emotional wellbeing." She can do it. She has to.
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It's said quietly, but with a great amount of understanding. He knows he hasn't got much hope in that department either. He doubts he ever will.
"I...I think that's just something we need to work through together."