deercountry | alive and breathing in the desert sand [open]

Entry tags:

alive and breathing in the desert sand [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: July catchall
When: July, late month
Where: The beach where she died

Content Warnings: Nothing yet, will update as it becomes necessary

a. a long and bitter haunt by the callous words of gods

What Anna has been looking for, she thinks as she watches the waves roll in on the black sand, has changed so drastically even in the past few weeks. It started with vengeance, but the sword sticking up like a monolith behind her, vileblood seeping into the ground and poisoning everything around, she hasn't had the strength to pull it up yet. She'd think it were poetic if it weren't so fucking on the nose. Pity and self-loathing had had their time in the limelight, as well, and though Anna had never sought it out, she found both of them all the same. She's searching for peace, now, she thinks, peace in solitude and answers within the raging storm that Mariana has become within her own chest. There's no guarantee she'll find it; there's no guarantee she deserves it. But she can try.

She looks over her shoulder while she's perched on a rock overlooking the ocean. One leg is bent up while the other dangles, sways idly with each thought. People come, people go. Her decisions choose who remains in her life, and god fucking damn has she been making a lot of decisions lately. Leaving that blade where it is, she thinks, is the one that will end up mattering most; she can see it out of the corner of her eye as she breaks the silence.

"Did you cross the earth to be silent among the castle walls?" she asks quietly, her voice still low and scratchy. It feels like an appropriately dramatic way to address whoever's approaching her, whether they're invited or not. (She only made a point of inviting people she was pretty sure she was still on okay terms with. But that list is shrinking by the day, and the people she thought she was the most secure with, they're refusing to even speak with her except under duress.)

This is no solution, but maybe, as the wind whips at her hair and the salt fills her nose, she can get a little closer to one.

b. drowning cast in iron at the mercy of the undertow [wildcard]

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[ falco’s heart wrenches in another direction, being tossed and tossed into a bed of empathy for her. not pity. empathy. the pain and tiredness in her eyes and a simple desire to turn back time, to go back, to have peace— he felt it like the aftermaths of a burn. stinging. aching. always reminding him that it was there.

it’s here that he does finally shift his wing to move, a gentle, mindful drift of the tip of a flight feather as a reassuring touch against her opposite arm, enclosed in a semi circle. ]

I will— and they’ll listen, Miss Anna. Both of us could do it.

[ at her own time, of course— but falco was already willing to take the first step in appeasing his older peers. paul, his older brother, and izuku by extension. there comes a silence now, soothing despite the strain. anna is at least in good company, one that wants her no harm. ]

Can I ask you something?

Edited 2022-07-23 03:19 (UTC)

[she doesn't deserve falco's kindness. not like this. she doesn't understand him or how one person can be so boundlessly pure and patient. inside her chest, something echoes, saying that she doesn't have to understand him because he's doing it anyway.]

Yeah. [her mouth is dry, but she nods.] Yeah, Falco. Anything.

[ he almost wants to start with “this might sound weird”, but maybe bracing himself for the “no” was enough. it was going to be weird no matter what angle he asked. ]

Have you fought a titan before?

[it's hard to tell why he's putting so much weight on that question, but just because she doesn't know the answer immediately doesn't mean he won't tell her, she's sure. and besides, she does have to think on it for a moment or two. she thinks to the conversations that she and eren had had. how they'd gotten along like friends, how they'd formed a band together. how—with some coaching from his husband, at least—he'd helped her feel better about being on stage and in the spotlight while watching her body transform. how, if it weren't for him, she wouldn't have the things that make her happy today.]

[when she speaks, after those thoughts wash over her and she feels her lips wanting to spread into a smile (that she clamps down as she feels it coming on), her voice is soft.]

Never against one, no. Why?

[ the thought begins feeling increasingly silly. the odds were so nigh now that it’s spilled, but what had it actually been, that he was looking for? curiosity or just possibilities? good ones or bad? ]

It’s that . . . You knew where to hit. Not a lot of people who’ve never seen one do. [ but then again— a mrr comes from his closed jaws. should he consider “never against”? he’s almost embarrassed to keep questioning. ] I guess it was a coincidence, but I figured— I should ask, just in case.

I... never said that I've never seen one.

[some of it might be a coincidence, but she doesn't want falco to get the incorrect idea of things. she's talking in that same soft tone as she remembers a conversation with erwin from months ago.]

I'm going to assume that you know someone named Eren Jaeger. [it's the safest assumption in the world.] I never knew your Eren, but I knew an Eren. Someone from home who was dealing with the same kind of thing I'm dealing with. His soul resonated with your Eren's. He could transform into a titan, if he wanted to, but I always got the idea that he really hated doing it.

To be honest... [she would love for this all to be a coincidence, but.] I can't remember if he ever told me how to put him down if I needed to. But I think it's the kind of information he would've trusted me with if he needed to trust it with anyone.

[ eren jaeger indefinitely hits the kill bill sirens. not in a way that bubbles anger in falco, that’s . . . that was never him, or his thing. however, the eyes behind the bone plated mask are blown out wide and staring forward, unmoving. his feathers even slowly stand on end until flattening so close against his frame that he might have even seemed a little thinner. like he was trying to disappear. do not perceive him. ]

Oh.

[ he has mixed feelings, one based on fear, sadness, and then the inevitable compassion with words he still carried with him to this day. the silence was growing large and pregnant between them. he awkwardly begins breaking it apart, starting with the number one concern: ]

. . . Was he living a good life? Were both of you?

[it's the physical reaction she notices first, but it's hard to avoid noticing something like that. it feels like fear; looks like it, too. she wonders, and it's only reinforced by what falco asks next, what kind of person eren jaeger really was. to inspire this kind of reaction so consistently, not just with people who know him but with the eren she knew, as well. fear, uncertainty. self-hatred.]

Commander Erwin asked me the same question. And I think he was. I think he was happy, with his husband, with the band... but I think when he stopped remembering your Eren, he probably only got happier. [she draws the fingers of her other hand into a loose ball and tries to stop herself from saying more, but she can't, really. and later, she'll realize that this is the most she's talked about the time between saving the city and coming here.] It meant he forgot me, too, but that was just the way of it all. It was lonely as hell after the end, but I at least knew that I was on the right path. I mean, what else am I supposed to think when my future self shows up to help save all of us?

[ i'm sorry, falco mutters in quiet sympathy, especially after hearing he was happy, he was married, he was part of a musical group— they were two completely different people that ended up resonating with one another. it's almost hard to separate mindfully. with the correct steering, he convinces himself, and also wishes . . . that's what could've happened to him instead. to everyone.

falco is also very aware of "modern" culture, and some realization of that makes him audibly gasp a few seconds or so after her delivery: ]

Like— The Terminator . . . !

[ his surprise comes from the simple fact that he made a modern world connection—!! ]

[hearing him say the terminator like that takes her by such surprise that she starts laughing. it's quick, a few bursts, but she's still laughing, and it's been so long since she's done it that that alone amplifies the surprise she's feeling.]

She said Back to the Future, but it's all the same. I still haven't seen either one. [she smiles, the desire to laugh dying off.] Did you know that that was the thing I was clinging to for a while? To give myself some kind of direction. She told me that one day I did eventually see Back to the Future, and since I still haven't seen it, I thought I was still on the right path. 'Cause if I still haven't seen it, then I still haven't become my future self, so I still have the chance to become her and close that loop.

[she shakes her head, feeling just a little embarrassed about the whole thing.]

I know it's stupid. But it's the truth. You'd be surprised the kind of stuff we cling to when we're trying to make all this make sense.

[ a fluster of childish meekness rushes to his cheeks, not that they were visible— he looks a little greener, maybe, around the neck, around the eyes padded with vile color. he knows it’s not an instant remedy, but . . . it’s a fracture of many to come, he thinks. past the big fluff of his feathers, he too is cracking a smile under his beak, listening to her, so intently, as if she were telling the wildest story he needed conclusion to. ]

It’s not. [ stupid, that is. he pauses and hangs his jaws agape as he parses for words on his lips, even though he wouldn’t be the one to verbally speak them. ] Eren said something once that stuck with me.

[ it was funny that they were right in front of a body that had always kept them apart. that body one became nothing but a pathway. ]

“Across the ocean. Within the walls. We’re all the same”. He did . . . Horrible things, but most people get to the same place because of horrible things.

[ he looks her right in the eye to say the next, lowering his neck to help the height, and cupping his hand behind her to signify presence. welcoming. ]

I want to be apart of what reminds you what it feels like to laugh, so you don’t see that place again. You want to be better than yesterday. I’ll always see you for that, Miss Anna.

[anna would love to know how to react in this instant. she would love to have something guiding her here. but on this beach, on this rock, amid the storm that churns within and without, she is stricken dumb for the first time in some time. she's always had something to say, but this situation is so...]

[the emotions she feels in this immediate moment, with falco so close he may as well be touching her, with his words sincere beyond what anna deserves, they are indescribable. it's as though her mind has been wiped clean and she can't even find the strength to laugh at how ridiculous it all is. she's looking at him and she can feel her mouth hanging open.]

You are... [she almost scoffs, her voice a gentler relative of it.] So much better than I deserve. All I really want is to keep people safe. That's all I've wanted since I got the means to do it. And I'm never going to be able to forget what I did to you, Falco, but... but if you're still willing to give me another chance then I think I can do this. I think I can stay out of that place.

[that gentler relative of her scoff, as it turns out, is currently rolling from the corner of her eye and down her cheek.]

[ that's all that matters. between what had happened with them, that was between them. if falco could forgive it, then outer opinions didn't exactly matter. there were people who found it harder to do, to swallow or to even fathom. it's okay to have different times.

the glint trickling down and staining the woman's face squeezes his heart. oh, if he could be more direct— he would. but he's too big to be that gentle. at his absolute best, the boy-titan curls a talon inward to protect her from the pointed end, exposes the more feathery down tufts near his wrist and . . . bumps her face, with the sole intention of drying the tear. he easily misses. ]

I know it feels like that, like you don't deserve it. [ he always remembers reiner. wanting judgment, denying what could truly save him out of believing he had gone too far. ] But you've still got people on your side. Your best deserves that.

[she laughs again, very quietly, feeling his face against hers. he tried so hard and it's so much. she feels... she feels safe here. she feels like he's still just completely too good for her and it's hard to admit that she deserves any of this, but he's not even concerned with that kind of thing, is he? amazing. he is... he is too good. she'll never forgive herself from taking him from this world, no matter how temporarily. but she'll never forget to treasure who she has now that he's back.]

I hope that you can convince the others that there's still something worth saving in here. I got used to having friends again. It would be a shame to lose them.

[ a giant bird looks bashful, here. whether it's because he bumped her and was too large to effectively attack her tears or being entrusted with "convincing" everyone— ]

I'm just going to help calm things. [ he's humble. he also couldn't possibly do all of that. ] . . . You don't need to convince anyone, I think. What you do will speak louder.

Yeah. Actions always do.

[she doesn't want to say she has no idea what's going to happen next, but that much should be clear from everything she's done so far to begin with. she's trying to steady her emotions, but maybe it's not too bad to let herself feel things.]

I'm hoping I can show people the kind of person I really want to be. But that's kind of why I'm asking people to join me out here, you know...? I'm trying to give people the chance to get out what they need to get out and show them that I'm still just... me. I just fucked up. But we all fall down now and again.

[ and all of that: true. it was also true that falco couldn't hand out forgiveness to everyone— he knew there were wrongs and people still had the right to be angry. they were all . . . wronged. they were wronged some ways back and didn't have the time to reverse it.

the best he could hope for is that there's learning, from these mistakes. he knows where he stands at least, with anna, and with agreement, brings forth a simple question to add to his understanding of her: ]

What else would you like to be?

[ who was anna? ]

[what else. anna sighs, quietly disappointed in herself that she doesn't have as easy an answer to that as she once expected, and takes a moment to think.]

I want... to be someone that other people can look up to. Someone who people aren't afraid of being close to. I know I'm, like, kind of this sarcastic, bitter bitch a lot of the time, but... I don't know. I want to make people feel safe, 'cause god knows I didn't have anyone like that when I was at my lowest. Don't ever want to see that kind of thing happen to anyone else.

[she takes another moment of quiet contemplation.]

I think that question used to be a lot harder to answer... but it used to be easier, too. That puts me in a weird place, you know?

[ oh, anna. ]

We're always changing. Especially with . . . How Trench is. [ like, it's good? he's met an entire family unit here that he would do anything for. in a weird way, he feels like he's made a home, a second one. one that has ugly spots but these bright beacons of light that wouldn't exist without them. he's figuring himself out when he's hardly had a childhood to begin with. what he likes, what he doesn't. what his interests were, and who he wanted to be. ] It's not a bad thing. I'm not afraid of you, and . . . Wanting change, that way?

[ after so much? as long as she didn't change her essence for others— ]

That's something to look up to.

Edited 2022-07-29 17:02 (UTC)

[ughhhh. this is horrible to hear. but only because it's going to make anna cry again, and harder. she can't believe that falco is just. like this. that he's saying what she wants to hear and he absolutely seems to mean it and there's not even a second of insincerity in the whole thing.]

God, Falco... you gotta stop saying stuff like this. Gonna make an absolute mess out of me. [she sniffles, but she's smiling through it.] This place is putting me through the fucking wringer, but I'm really glad it let me meet you.

[ hah. he is a destroyer of hearts! or rather, a mender of them. he is putting piece to piece back together whether she wants him to or not— words that she’d like to hear are nowhere spoken just to please her. they are real.

he makes a sound that’s akin to— meek chuckling? ]

Me too, Miss Anna. [ and because he still is a child, his hands— they begin to mold the black sand around them into a little mound. it’s a surprise. ]Why don’t we talk about something else?

Something else. [she repeats it quietly, her eye sliding to whatever falco seems to be sculpting, and she has an idea.] You know, I heard that Midoriya's birthday is coming up. I was considering using something you taught me to help celebrate.

[she smiles a little.]

I haven't baked much in my life, but how hard could cupcakes be, you know?

Oh— Really?

[ both at the fact that it's izuku's birthday soon (ack, what timing—), and at the hovering indication that anna is going to back cupcakes—! he feels a thrum in his chest. he actually taught him something thanks to his happy lesbian cake?! ]

It's not that hard if you have the ingredients and the steps right! I think the hardest part for me is always the frosting. [ that neat swirly effect to it always gets . . . messy. ] I can't make anything now, but— I can watch you make them?

[this excitement... she likes it, honestly. she likes that she can still inspire that in some people. doubly so that it's falco. it wasn't a serious endeavor until she heard his reaction and, well, now she has to do it. now she's a monster if she doesn't.]

Well, I can cook them at my place, then I can come out here and frost them in front of you if you want. I don't know if you'll fit through my door the way you are now, but... we could try?

[ anna out here making the correct redemption choices. ]

I can watch from my omni, too. [ perle squeaks and puffs up proudly, probably just a hidden little ball of grey and brown in the midst of all this gold. she can project the screen. she can definitely help with that and give falco and imax viewing of cupcake making. ] I wouldn't want you to get sand in them.

[ he's still been molding this thing in the sand that now looks a lot more akin to a cake with many extra, messy tops. a sandcastle without the proper casts, if you will. For Miss Anna is being spelled underneath. ]

Edited 2022-08-02 14:00 (UTC)

alive and breathing in the desert sand [open]

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think this might be a good place to fade!