nobody said it'd be an easy ride

[faceblocks]

Who: vi and various people
What: catchall both open and closed eisdamme or eisdamme#7495 if you want some other thing/any thing.
When: august
Where: various places

Content Warnings: needles, being sick because alcohol, parental death, prison, drugs, disease, murder, mental/emotional/physical abuse, tba

the rest of the starters will follow tonight. pls be patient i am melting.

Comments

[faceblocks]

[she lets out a little exhale at saeri's yeah. it's what she wanted to hear, but it also hurts. and that shows in her face because there's no stopping this train now that it's off its tracks. all aboard the unguarded feelings express, population vi. (and room for one more.)

no. you don't need this. nobody needs this. i'm a mess..

but then saeri closes that fucking distance again, and it's skin on skin as she draws a breath, pauses to say something she doesn't manage to get out because all of this and she does look up it's the word smart that gets her - though the rest tease another breath and the start of a word, the threat of tears pricking at the backs of those eyes, but she doesn't break the contact. fuck it, that's a tear. it's fine. saeri can see this, saeri is safe, even if everything about this feels ...terrible. and relieving? and ...another sigh as she stands there dumbly for a moment, just looking before covering saeri's hand with her own.

was anything stolen? she'll never know, will she? and no, she can't take the out. maybe some other day, but definitely not now, and definitely not with that little sea thing in her pocket. not that she even acknowledges it in the moment. in fact, she'll be grateful for this later.]

I don't feel...okay, I do feel guilty. I feel stupid, too. Because how the fuck do I sort out feelings from ...back there that just...

[sigh]

Look. I was shut down for a long time, and then the first time someone shows me real kindness...

...I'm not saying there was nothing there, and that it wasn't a big deal because it was a big deal. It was huge. Cait went out on a limb for me when she didn't have any real reason to trust me anymore than I had any reason to trust her. Fuck, maybe I had even less reason. Maybe she did. Maybe it's not a contest, and I should just stop trying to even figure out the why of any of it. It's not like...

...it'll be there anymore anyway. [likely not after what pow---what jinx had done.]

I know that I still have feelings, and that it's been a real pain in the ass even trying to figure out what they are, let alone why. And the old me probably would have ignored all that and just gone for it. Because look at you. And I don't mean [a little up and down glance, through shining eyes, wet blinking lashes.] all of this.

I mean ...this [she will very slowly move her hand, reaching up to press a finger against saeri's temple] ...and this. [now it's at saeri's heart, and it taps there in tune with vi's own heartbeat: fast.]

Yeah, old me would have been like 'woo hoo' and just not even looked back, or forward. Or thought about how we have to work together, not just have to but like to. And how shitty that would be to mess up. How much of a bummer it would be if we couldn't hang out anymore because I pulled you into more mess.

You have enough mess. Trench has enough mess.

I'm not going to throw away a friendship for a hookup. Especially if I can't follow through and be sure...

[she stops, breathes, looks down. that ...was a lot of words. oh well, no takebacks. she meant them, so what else is there to do.]

...maybe I should go?

[inkedspell]

[There so close to each other and maybe that was a stupid choice to make because that pull is still there even with the tension and kneejerk need to run that Saeri feels inside her. Because this is open and real and honest and she doesn't know how to handle that. How to give Vi that in a way that matters. How can she take this and not give it in return? Because she can't. Not like this. She rarely lies and doesn't bullshit when she can be straightforward. Except about this.

It leaves her feeling like that first time, when she told a Mitsuki she liked her and she told her that Sarona wasn't "her type" but they could be friends, in that oh so sweet and sincere way that was trying to let her down gently. Because Sarona wasn't anyone's type. She knew that enough. Always known that. People didn't pick her when they already had options and other people more than worth their effort.

Her heart races, and maybe Vi can feel it. Maybe she can feel all that scar tissue beneath her shirt right over her heart.

Because here was Vi telling her she was worth it. Just maybe not for her. Not right now. Not like this.

Saeri could accept that. She's accepted far worse.

But she's also afraid. Because what if accepting isn't enough? What if she already pushed too far and Vi is stepping away because she can't deal with knowing how Saeri feels like this? What if she hasn't been convincing enough that she's okay with them no taking this any further? Does that mean it all just--stops? Will everything fall apart anyway?

But that's not Saeri's choice to make.]

If you'd feel better leaving, do what you gotta do. But...I still have this box of cookies here that someone so kindly provided. If someone was cool sitting with their friend--doing that binging and talking shit thing friends are supposed to do.

[faceblocks]

[it would be easy to bolt - to just not deal, but that's at odds with what she does want - and for a moment she's overwhelmed at the prospect of having to make this decision. so she does what her heart tells her and heads for the door, doubling back to grab her bag and doubling (tripling?) back again to set it right back down and plant her ass on the sofa.]

I might feel better if I left ...for about thirty seconds, until I felt way worse, because this? This awkward right now? This is the part where I put my big girl pants on and I don't bail on my friends.

Why is it that I can start a fistfight with a murderhorse, but oh no, feelings, and I'm halfway out the door blaming myself for some shit I didn't even do yet?

[vi is going to lean forward and grab a cookie - no, make that two cookies, even if only just to stop herself from saying anything else.]

[inkedspell]

[Oh the ice, the fire, the burning cold of resignation, for the moments of watching Vi walk toward the door. Of thinking she was going to do exactly what she should be doing, walking away so as to not deal with whatever bullshit Saeri could dump on her, so she doesn't have to feel the pressing expectation of their whatever-this-is by staying--

--But she doesn't leave.

And that knotted chunk of anxiety in Saeri's stomach calms down. A little. She's not sure what is going on anymore. Her face may be a mask of careful acceptance, but inside Saeri might just be losing it. Because Vi doesn't leave.

Saeri might be staring too much. So she grabs a cookie and plops herself right back down. Only there's space between them this time on the couch. Yeah, this is so fucking awkward. But she wouldn't trade it. Bites one of the tips off the sugar star.]

Feelings are horrible lets agree to never talk about them again. I'd rather get chucked back into the wastelands.

[faceblocks]

[violet laughs at this, through a mouthful of cookies, casting her eyes away for just a moment because that gaze is a lot. it's all at once anxious and hopeful and relieved and maybe just fine, but vi also knows that half the time "fine" is just a code for bullshit.]

Never ever?

[she can't do that, but she can grab another cookie and have it at the ready. oh, look, here's an unhelpful omen right on cue and very small when they finally form.]

ᴏʜ, ꜱᴛᴏᴘ. ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ ᴀʀᴇ ʜᴀʀᴅʟʏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀꜱᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ.

[inkedspell]

Maybe not "never," but...

[Why are omens so much trouble?? Saeri blinks, staring at that little omen, half of a cookie in her mouth.]

This was a private conversation, you know.

[She likes Fang but don't butt in, ugh. Why now? It does diffuse some of the tension, but also makes Saeri feel so very awkward.]

[faceblocks]

[vi addresses the tiny omen, who curls up, looking very small - smaller now - and only headtilting, not acknowledging vi's input at all.]

I don't need your help right now. It's weird, but you can't fight it, distract it or ...annoy it out of the way. Sorry.

[fang seems to consider this, does look at saeri before she lets out a little huff and smokes back into her sleeper's chest.]

Cool. So feelings are not the worst thing, I guess. [to an omen that's no longer anywhere in sight:] Thanks for that.

She does that a lot. This time I got words though instead of the look. So I guess I must be doing something right. Or maybe we are. With our private conversation that's definitely not about feelings, but could be about them later, when it's not so awkward.

[did she just make it awkward again. dammit.]

You know what. Fuck awkward. I want a tour, and I want to see what cool shit you've been working on. Also, I brought art.

[inkedspell]

[She is almost worried that Fang's arrival will cause Simidele to react. She adjusts herself on the couch, and presses her fingers against her chest in what she hopes is a casual deflection while "dusting" crumbs off of herself. The last thing she needs is him around word-vomiting at people about feelings that aren't anyone's business. Yet. Right now. Maybe ever.

The chase to change things up was very much welcome.]

Hell yes. Come on. [She gets up and moves over to the crank to bring down the ladder.] The first floor is pretty self-explanatory, but I can show you the library and the tower.

[faceblocks]

[all the feelings are still there, but they've been aired out, and nothing that she'd said had been even a fraction shy of truth - so maybe that's why she feels able to move on to this new emotion: honest curiosity about a tower and a library. (it's the artifact, vi. you dummy. but whatever works - and it seems to have done the trick here without her stopping to question it.]

Not a lot of people can say they have their own library and tower. That they built themselves.

[well,look at this: running away wasn't the answer, vi. every once in a while running in without looking, fists emotions swinging is the way to go.]

[inkedspell]

Hah. I couldn't even say that. I just got this broken down carriage at a steal and upgraded it how I wanted.

[Saeri is a lot more careful going up the stairs and onto the second level of the carriage house. The ceiling is a lot higher than one might think due to the trusses of the main roof being visible instead of blocked off with a standard ceiling. The stairs open up into study/library which has a short table for sitting at with some cushions around it and walls bulging with books, scrolls, and hand-bound notebooks.

The table-desk itself has some papers on it covered in runes, tattoos, and splotches of ink all over. Metal ladder rungs are built into the wall leading up to the tower.]

So...here's where most of my nerdery happens. Of the writing sort.

[She points to the left.] That's the bedroom.