deercountry | All that I am

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All that I am

Who: Allen Walker and Shouto Todoroki ~~with guest appearances by The Fourteenth...~~
What: September Paleblood effects, and getting trapped in a version of Allen's horrific world and life for a time courtesy of a cursed book/the Absolute Immersion prompt 🙂 Many CW for mentions and flashbacks of Allen's very abusive childhood. also red light districts. (to date: pet death/abuse, child abuse, suicidal impulses of a child)
When: Later September
Where: Their house, and then Victorian England sorta

[ When Shouto had become blind, it had been Allen who fret and fussed more than he needed to. Hovering by his side and always ready to take his arm and steer him gently this way or that, explaining whatever the goings-on were with an animated chatter born first from concern and then increasingly just out of enjoying conversing so later on. Describing the world and especially the people around them like someone reading a particularly good story aloud might and getting caught up in it with an actual delight.

It wasn't so bad for him after all, he'd say, since he lost first his sense of taste (that was insulting but something he dealt with just by pouting at dinnertime) and then touch. Annoyances more than anything, nothing that bad. Touch bothered him more than he thought it would, leaving him staring down at his hands with an unsettled expression from time to time when he thought no one was looking, but he tried to avoid letting that on.

When Allen lost his sense of sight, he became almost unsettlingly... quiet, actually. Not complaining even a little. But off, perpetually distracted and a little jumpy at the slightest noise or sense of movement. With it ironically around the same time Shouto finally regained his own vision. Something he expressed relief for -- it'd be rather silly and unfortunate for them to both lose their sense of sight at the same time, wouldn't it? -- but that was a little hollow too.

Whether Shouto thought to read to him or it happened by accident when Allen was half-dozing near him one day when he asked him out of bored senseless curiosity what he was reading, it was one of the few things that made him perk up. Even if he usually dozed off on him, it was comfortably and amicably so and eased a lot of his restlessness. Something he started to look forward to and ask him a little more eagerly each time what he was reading that day.

Today, he wrinkled his nose at the smell of this new book when he came back with it. Musty and old, and something that just... unsettled him on some very deep, instinctive level. Like if black magic had a smell. Easy enough to pass off at the explanation it was handed to him from someone in Gaze offering free books to passerby, everything there was a little weird and derelict, and the explanation it was a story (apparently) about an exorcist who saved souls was enough to both baffle and intrigue him. Weirdly... spot on, wasn't that? But curiosity alone was a good enough reason for him to shelve any misgivings and settle in, leaning his chin on his shoulder and peering over like he was actually trying to peek at the pages he couldn't see. Also, Shouto's monotone could put anyone at ease (and to sleep). Allen's disarmed and lulled off pretty quickly, relaxing as the tale begins and meanders vaguely around a nameless boy who loved too much. Who was thrown at odds against the home he had always known first for wanting to save those they wanted him to destroy, and then for finding out he was fated to become their enemy and the very thing that would destroy them and the world.

Allen stops dozing off and becomes very awake. Very quiet, and very still.

Shouto can get to the part where the boy says goodbye and leaves in order to keep his home safe, and that's when Allen will fumble for his hand. Grasping his wrist tightly with alarmed urgency. ]

Shouto. [ It's laced with a strange sort of fear, a rising panic. Stop reading.

It's also too late.

Reality... warps. Uncomfortably so, like vertigo but pulling your soul inside-out instead of your stomach. It feels like falling. Falling forward into freefall, which... is accurate. At first it feels like falling into a vacuum, and then the wind is quickly rushing past their ears. They burst through what feels like a thin glass pane of light that shatters harmlessly around them and melt away, geometric patterns in the sky, and the air is crisp and cold; the first kiss of winter, and for the first time smelling clean and entirely without the odor of blood, decay, and industry that clings to Trench. Into the middle of a city park, rows of brick Victorian buildings lining the sides of it with a clocktower and castle in the distance.

They're also about fifty feet up in the air, upside-down and in rapid freefall. ]

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[ His fingers feel cold on his cheek, or maybe that's just him. Despite his attempts, he's not comforted at all. Barely registers his hand on his cheek, staring at him instead, trying to make sense of it all the pieces spread out before him, and struggles to make sense of it. Wasn't Nea a Noah? His enemy? The ones who didn't care for humans? Weren't they opposites? The Noah and Innocence? How could one take over the other? ]

What about your Innocence?

How can it take over you when your Innocence hurts Noah?

[ A very good question, and one that makes a pained look flicker across Allen's face as he has to shake his head yet again. ]

I don't know. [ It's the million dollar question that no one seems to really understand either, not him, not his master, not even the Order. Or if they did, they never let it on.

His shoulders sag a little; i's one of the few things that makes him feel defeated. Especially with having no recourse here, outside of his world and the few leads he had to follow. ]

I think maybe it might help make it harder for him... but I don't know.

Wouldn't that mean they aren't opposites? But a counterbalance like my ice and fire?

If they were - [ here he touches his cheek with cold fingers ] - you wouldn't exist.

[ That -- makes him blink, and startles him from even his own thoughts. So much so the chill touch almost doesn't register. He's reeling slightly from the idea they aren't opposites as that flies in the face of everything he has ever known and very firmly believes, but that-- ]

"Wouldn't exist"...?

You said they were opposites. That they destroy each other if they come into contact. If he was with you from the start, then you wouldn't have been born. That means you belong together. He can't make you disappear any more than you can make him go away.

[ On the other hand... ]

If he came after, then the moment you came into contact, you would have destroyed each other. But you're still here. He can take over you and not be destroyed by your Innocence. That's likely why you can house him and not be destroyed by what makes him a Noah.

[ His fingers start to warm the more he thinks about it. He's not good at speaking off the cuff, his thoughts are always a jumble he has to sort out, but it all falls into place in front of him, given his background. ]

[ They can destroy each other and in fact are the only things capable of that as perfect opposites, not that they will explode if they touch, but... it's still a very good point. It raises an endless sea of questions, though unlike Shouto -- Allen doesn't find them reassuring. The whole point is to not be the host anymore. The point is to Because they will never belong together. That's a thought that makes his throat burn with bile.

I just want him gone. There is no mix in their personality, their identities, and he just wants his body back and his alone.

Or... am I just being blinded by how much I hate him again? The realization has him biting his tongue on any argument. Even if he already didn't want to be contrary when Shouto is just trying to help and seems more at ease with his reasoning than Allen is, and Allen's expression just weighs down in thoughtful but moody self-reflection. ]

"Taming two monsters..."

[ He murmurs it quietly, turning the phrase over on his tongue like it's a recitation. A quote or mantra. But he shakes his head lightly, like he's setting that aside and shrugging it off. Reaching out for Shouto and he just--

He just hugs him. Like he would with Tim when he was smaller. Like he just really, really needs a hug and is fine with settling to hug someone else instead. ]

I wish I could speak with my master.

Edited 2023-06-20 00:29 (UTC)

[ The warmth is gone almost as quickly as it rose, startled into submission by that comparison. You know what monsters are, more than him. He's seen the aftermath of an Akuma's passing. They were monsters. You are-- ]

You're not a monster.

[ Allen? What's wrong? It's the first time he's ever seen him looking so dark and dismal. He doesn't like it. Doesn't like the way he shrugs it off like it doesn't matter. Like he can unsee how lonely and somber he looks when he's right there. Where are you?

When he hugs him, Shouto returns it tenfold, wrapping him up in his arms and squeezing him tightly. Smothering him in the way he hasn't let himself since his return from the sea.

Why do you feel so far away? ]

Why don't you?

[ He wasn't saying he was a monster, nor even was the person he was quoting calling him a monster at the time. A person having two different monsters inside of them, Innocence and Noah both. Perhaps not even so much Nea, maybe that was also different. But it's an important distinction. The message clear: don't be controlled by the warring forces within you.

Control them, instead. Whatever that meant.

Though that doesn't mean that Allen doesn't also still struggle with the belief that yes, he is a monster.

Being swept up in such a strong hug, stronger than he's ever felt Shouto hold him before-- he latches on in response. Arms wrapping tight around his neck as he buries his face into the crook of it, breathing out shakily from realizing just how badly he needed that. Breathing in then the calming scent he's come to associate with Shouto, like embers in winter, and finding that calms his heart as much as the embrace.

He shakes his head lightly at the question, but keeps his face tucked against his neck. He told you, remember? About Cross. ]

Even I can't talk with the dead. [ He says it so softly, so plainly. Gentle and somber. ]

Not like that, at least.

[ Taming two monsters. That's your problem from the start. He knows what you meant. The Innoncence and Noah. He also knows that your Innocence was born with you. It's a part of you as much as his quirk is a part of him, and nothing about it was a monster. Always, it was the person wielding it that had monstrous intent. Calling your Innocence a monster, calling Noah monsters. Isn't that the same as calling yourself a monster? The two aren't indistinguishable. There is no Allen without Crown Clown just like there isn't Shouto without his Half-Cold, Half-Hot quirk.

If he knew what you were thinking, he'd agree that you needed to control it. Just like heroes trained to control their quirks. Accidents happen and the only solution to it was training. Mind and body. Understanding your quirk. He assumes it's the same with Allen and his Innocence.

Shouto holds him the way he wants to. He feels so far away it helps keep his thoughts grounded. No holding back, no second guesses. So when Allen matches the hug with the same spirit it chases away any lingering doubt. ]

I can't talk to my mother either, but I still speak with her.

[ And that's the fundamental flaw in that thinking: assuming Allen's world is anywhere near as simple, or as understood by anyone, let alone him. There's a reason he's never fallen into the line of thinking of well I just need to get stronger and train himself blue in the face. But knowledge and understanding—empathy... that is a key. Because it isn't about mastering a skill, but communicating with and understanding another entity. And that meant understanding yourself, too. Knowing your heart and your will so you could connect with another's.

Which is hard, when you don't even know what you are.

And when that other entity that's supposed to be your partner disagrees with you and will use your body to get its way.

Allen blinks at that admission though, lifting his head up rather quickly to look him in the eye. The way you've spoken about her already led him to believe your mother was dead and that just kind of cements it, you know, and that he would now seemingly openly speak of that shocks him. ]

You do? [ Baffled, and a little amazed. ]

How?

[ You portray your world so very different from his, but even he can see the similarities. His quirk isn't sentient like Allen's, but he knows of another with a sentient quirk. Tokoyami and Dark Shadow. Their teacher's understood the similarities but also the differences in their students, and created specialized training for each of them. Tokoyami was strong by default. It was his control of Dark Shadow that made him weak. He, too, had to connect with another that disagreed with him. Shouto remembers seeing Dark Shadow take over, cowering from a fight when it got scared of bright explosions, costing Tokoyami an important match.

The difference between him and Allen that Shouto can see are the stakes and the support network every hero in-training was automatically given once they were accepted into the hero course, no matter the school, the fundamentals didn't change. Every teacher was willing and able to help them understand themselves to become better heroes, and when they found themselves lacking, they asked someone better suited for the quirk involved.

The only flaw he sees is accepting that you have to do it alone. It's the fundamental lesson he learned in UA - he wasn't alone.

As for the question, his answer is simple. ]

I write letters to her.

[ He started soon after Kizu turned into a cub. As for his mother, he's never once said she's dead, so he'll be rather surprised if that ever comes up. ]

Edited 2023-06-20 02:24 (UTC)

[ ... ]

[ Somehow, picturing that, and the absurdity of applying that to his situation with wanting answers from Cross... warms his heart so much it melts the tension in him and he just

--Allen just laughs. ]

I can see that. [ And he hugs on so tightly, squeezing him with all his might so gratefully. Well, not all his might. But with a mighty swelling of affection. ]

I can see that so easily. [ He repeats it again with the soft and enchanted laugh in his tone, and he kisses Shouto's cheek gently. Very sweetly, and holds it to try and convey his meaning and appreciation. It's okay that it doesn't apply to or help Allen's situation at all. Just admitting that and painting such a clear picture of the kind of man you are--

Well, it warms his heart more than he thought it could be.

Thank you. ]

I'd like to hear them sometime. If... that's okay. [ He draws back, smiling more softly as he continues. Stroking his cheek gently with a fond look that becomes a little shy. ]

If it isn't too private.

[ That's not the kind of answer he expected. Not that he's complaining, he prefers him like this. Happy and laughing. Still, the change of pace catches him off guard, not quite sure how to answer that in any other way than a nod. Okay. ]

She reads them to my siblings sometimes. Probably the nurses too.

[ It's not like he minds. What he writes is what he would say to her in front of anyone. ]

[ ...siblings? Nurses? Allen blinks. ]

You say that like she's right here in the city...

[ just what kind of letters are you writing. interdimensional?? into the afterlife?? ]

[ This time it's his turn to turn shy. ]

I know she won't read them. [ He looks off to the side. ] I write them to talk to her even though she's not here.

[ He's accepted that they don't occupy the same world anymore, but feelings don't care about logic. It's comforting for him. A way to keep in touch with her. Remember her smile. Fuyumi said she smiled when she read them, and he... he doesn't want to forget her smile. ]

Edited 2023-06-20 03:13 (UTC)

[ That sentiment he can understand, especially with the way Shouto seems to hesitate a little or become shy, and it prompts him to kiss his cheek again, more gently this time. It's okay, I won't push. ]

She liked flowers, right? [ He remembers from the nightmare. Flowers, blue ones -- they were the key and something in her room. That has to mean something. ]

Maybe we could find some like the kind she preferred and you could read them to the flowers. [ He strokes some of Shouto's hair back from his face gently, letting his fingers thread through the strands lovingly as he cuddles close once again. ] Plants like it when you talk to them. It makes them feel loved.

Wherever she is, she might feel your meaning too.

[ At the mention of flowers, his eyes slide back to him, a silent inquiry in his gaze that he keeps to himself. The kiss on his cheek helps alleviate some of the shyness on the topic. He grows warm, feeling connected to him, different from what he normally feels for him. That thought goes as quickly as it comes, Allen's suggestion completely snagging his full attention. ]

Read them to flowers?

[ He repeatrs slowly while staring at Allen with absolutely no response to that. Why would he--Oh. Well, you learn something new every day. He had no idea the flowers from here had feelings, which brings him to his second thought. ]

But, I don't love them.

[ So, how could he read to them to make them feel loved??? ]

Edited 2023-06-20 03:51 (UTC)

[ Shouto...

Allen smiles at that, soft and knowing. Full of mystery. ]

But you love her, right?

I do.

[ Do you know how lost he is right now? ]

What does that have to do with flowers?

[ He shakes his head lightly at that, threading his fingers idly through his hair with a casual affection he doesn't even really think about. ]

It isn't about the flowers. It's about having them as a connection to her.

Maybe she isn't here, but the flowers she loved might be. Just like when I see the flowers Mana loved and get to hold them, I feel a little closer to him. Being able to say what's in your heart out loud... maybe it isn't to her directly, but I believe that kind of connection can transcend any gap.

[ Do you see what he's saying? It's about faith. ]

Somewhere, because she loved flowers so much, she might still hear you too.

And because you love her, something she loved would feel that too.

[ Neither of them do. Allen's easy manner of touching him is one of the cornerstones of their relationship. Shouto likes being touched even if he hesitates to do so in return, having learned to smother that need until it became as natural as breathing.

He leans into the touch, listening to his explanation, curbing his questions until after he's done. If it's not about the flowers then what is it about? What kind of flowers did Mana like? ]

Do you read to Mana's flowers?

[ He asks, touching a lock of his hair lightly, returning the gesture in his own way. ]

Was that where you got the idea from?

[ The irony is that Allen is the same. When it's a gentle touch, a loving touch from someone you care for -- it's something he almost never received his entire life. Rare and fleeting every time, something so precious.

However, for him... that meant he freely gave it even if he never expected anything in return. Offering comfort and a hand to hold whenever he felt like that was something another might need and appreciate. For him, that's more than enough.

At least it was, until it was reciprocated in mutual caring. To show love and affection -- and not have any reason why he shouldn't. And that is when he realized just how much he craved that sort of affection, wanting to hold on tight and never let go -- but so very carefully holds that part in check and just keeps to the safe and casual, natural patterns of affection they've carved out.

He smiles at that though, the light touch to his loose hair, and then laughs a little sheepishly at the question. ]

Ehehe... I never had letters I wrote him to read. That wasn't our thing. [ Allen and writing or even reading if he isn't doing research like a detective because that's also part of his job... ... no. Not happening.

He continues to run his hand idly through Shouto's hair, letting his fingers trace out the edge of his ear and follow the curve of the shell. ]

But I did like to speak to other things that reminded me of him. It's always let me feel closer to him.

[ Irony upon irony. He was loved and loved in return up until it was twisted and turned into misery. He learned early on that love was not enough. If he's hesitant it's because he knows what it means to lose it, to see it twisted. Knows he was partially to blame. That kind of misery isn't something he ever wants to impart on another. Keeping to himself. Accepting affection. Hesitant to reciprocate it. It was his natural course for so long, it still takes him time to return it. ]

What was your thing?

[ He runs his fingers through the ends of his hair, ignoring the very real urge to brush it. ]

[ He gives a thoughtful hum, eyes closing peacefully and leaning into the touch as Shouto runs his hands through the length of it. It's still a new and novel thing after all, not just someone touching his hair but the length of it too. His eyes are softer when Allen opens them again, warm as he plays with the shorter hairs at the nape of his neck.

-- he also finally notices the darkened mark on Shouto's neck, smack dab on the center of his throat, and Allen blinks for a moment before flushing very lightly as he remembers where that must have come from. Oh. That stayed too. ]

Performing. [ He leans in and kisses his neck just to the side of mark, very gently in silent apology. Like it's such a normal and natural thing. ]

And... watching the sun set. [ His voice drops softer as he says that, remembering now what they had been doing before he blacked out when Shouto hit his wound. I took you up there because I wanted to show you the sunset that he had loved so much. ]

Edited 2023-06-20 05:45 (UTC)

All that I am

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