catch all for october

[venatoris]

Who: infractus, egyptologist, lefthemisphere & YOU
What: October catchall
When: October
Where: All over Trench

Content Warnings: Will notate as needed.



prompts will be in the comments.

Comments

[venatoris]

So that's...that's it. After all that, after all that--

[ He takes a steadying breath, trying to ground himself, the anger and betrayal and hurt and fury rising like bile in his throat, the nausea sudden and all encompassing. The little greenhouse feels too hot, too confined - beads on his forehead and Dean feels like he's about to crawl out of his skin, heart hammering, clawing at his ribcage.

It's the beginning of a panic attack, but he doesn't recognize it as such. He's too busy fighting with memories that both are and aren't his, grappling with what's real, what isn't, what's in front of him, and what he's lost.

Because I'm in love with you.

I love you.

They repeat in his head, a mantra for someone else, a man that isn't him, not anymore, and he hates that asshole with everything under the sun because he had something pure and precious and clearly...

fake. ]

It really didn't mean anything to you, did it. You just clung to me because I was all you had. You know what -- fine. Leave. If you don't wanna be here, then I damn sure don't want you here.

[foolintherain]

[ Even if Castiel didn't have a strangely empathetic blood running through him now, it's easy to see Dean's anger and anxiety building, and it's... painful, to see him like that when, if there's one thing Castiel wants more than anything, it's for Dean to have the peace he deserves. This is the opposite, and that Castiel has caused Dean to suffer again is endlessly frustrating, but he doesn't understand why, what he's doing wrong, when that... the "that" Dean refers to seems so at odds to the norm of their relationship before Sam said yes to Lucifer.

Castiel is mystified. But Dean's conclusions are so wildly wrong that Castiel can't help but be riled to action. He stands, takes a halting step towards Dean, but ultimately stops himself from closing the distance any more than that. There's glass between them again, now, and Castiel hates it, but he doesn't know how to break through, though he tries with desperation in his eyes and vehemence to his voice. ]

Dean... I do want to be here, with you. Our time together, before, meant everything to me.

[ It was a dream, a beautifully flawed, perfect life that Castiel can't even put words to. Only poetry or a deep kiss could express the depths of his gratitude and love, but he feels undeserving of either. Those are human creations, and he's far removed from either, now. He's a universe trapped in a mason jar, in a dimension apart from humanity. He looks away. ]

I just don't see why you would want me, now, to stay.

[venatoris]

Yeah, I'm sure it did. You being so damn ready to leave, that's super convincing, Cas.

[ He balls his hands into fists, clenches his jaw. He doesn't like to be lied to, and he especially doesn't like it when Cas does it. His heart thumps in his chest, an angry thrum. He feels dangerously close to losing control of his emotions, and rather than let Cas see it - Cas the angel, the one he's used to, or...thinks he's used to - he turns his back, glances at the door. ]

Then you don't know me very well at all, do you.

[foolintherain]

[ Obviously Castiel has misstepped, and telling Dean the truth only resulted in Dean closing off further and getting angrier. Dean says that Castiel doesn't know him very well at all— him, the angel who held the broken shards of this man's soul in his hands and assembled it back together piece by piece like a stained glass window, the holes between the colored glass filled with liquid gold. Something deep and residual inside of Cas laughs full and loud, but the sound doesn't reach Castiel's lungs; it just echoes hollowly through his chest.

Because... Dean is right. Castiel doesn't know Dean at all. He doesn't know what that "I'm in love with you" means to him now, or how Dean could possibly expect him to be the person he was before when he isn't a person anymore. It's more than frustrating; it's heartbreaking. Castiel's voice is small and resigned. ]

If that's how you feel...

[ Instinct tells him that he's unwelcomed, and he should go. The feeling is shivery and ethereal. "So damn ready to leave," Dean has said, though the opposite is true. Never. Castiel knows now, painfully, that he would give up his grace to stay with Dean and have what they had, before. It's a horribly selfish thought. What would God say? Well, Castiel already knows. "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord." Dean is living temptation, and for what? He deserves better than the desolate, draining waste that Cas, graceless, became.

His wings startle the stale air of the greenhouse with an unnatural breeze, and with the sound of feathers cutting through air, he's gone. ]