deercountry | (mostly open) oh this love would kill me

Oh, please.

[ Ange shifts a little so she's leaning a little bit closer into Anna's direction, considering the turn that this conversation is taking. It's something that's being talked about between just them, after all, no matter how many other people there are at this party. No one has to know about Anna's business unless she wants them to. ]

You know I don't mind talking about you. Not everything has to be about me today. I actually kind of prefer it that way. [ The less attention Ange gets, the better. Especially from big groups of people at once. It's the entire reason she was so antsy about this wedding ceremony thing!

So focusing on Anna instead for a moment? Totally fine with her. ]

Besides, all this stuff.. They're big decisions. It's not like you have to bond with her, you know? Especially if you don't feel comfortable with it. Everyone has different reasons for making these bonds. For me, even just aside from.. other angles..

[ Read: how much she loves Ruby, but even saying that at her wedding is still a touch embarrassing.

Just a touch. ]

.. I mostly just wanted to protect Ruby. Our bond helps to keep each other away from corruption, let alone turning into a beast. That's something I wanted to be able to do for her. [ Especially since Ruby is so--

Reckless isn't the right word, but she's always out there trying to protect everyone. Someone has to be there to protect Ruby too, Ange thinks. ]

You can have other reasons that are totally and completely your own to want to go for it or not go for it.

[dammit. deflecting never works with ange ushiromiya-rose. she should know that by now.]

Yeah... yeah, I know. It just feels like bonds or marriage or whatever are always supposed to be the end goal of all these relationships, you know? Like... everyone's got all these rituals, and Doorway's here watching us all, and it's like. Nobody's saying out loud, but a lot of people—Trenchies, sorry, not you—are, like, making the silent suggestion that if you like it, you should put a handprint on it.

[she leans back in her chair and spreads her legs a little, unintentionally. it's a slump if it's anything.]

Commitment's a lot, you know? When I already worry about having to be a good girlfriend, then I think too hard about it and ratchet it up into being a good wife? Shit, dude. [though, now that she's thinking about it, she takes in the part about lessening corruption. it seems like a way to actually do something tangible with herself when faced with something she doesn't know how to solve. her slump doesn't last long; she sits back up, leans forward, puts her hands between her knees. and she looks at ange.]

Do you ever worry whether you're going to be a good wife?

[ If the subject was any less serious, Ange may have scoffed a little, asked the other since when she truly cares that much about societal expectations - especially the ones held by the locals of this place, who have some.. definitely strange ideas in the first place.

But Ange knows when to keep certain commentary to herself. Especially as Anna speaks on, and then arrives at that last question. Clearly something she herself is worried about, considering what Anna said only a moment earlier, but when it comes to Ange--

She actually seems genuinely calm as she shrugs, rather than it just being some put-on pokerface. ]

Not really. I mean..

[ Ange's voice trails off, like she's trying to think of how to word this, and then adds: ]

What do you think that even means? Being a good wife? It sounds so subjective. I'm pretty sure you couldn't find two people in the world who would exactly agree on what that means. So whose standards do you then have to live up to other than your own and your partner's?

[damn, ange. emotional maturity really isn't in short supply here. anna takes in that question like she knows what to do with it, like it doesn't make her feel like she's missed the most obvious thing about all of this all over again. and she straightens her back, but still keeps her hands between her knees.]

I don't know. All of this feels so new to me. Being in a relationship where we talk to each other, we work through our problems, we, like. We do shit together that isn't just making out in sweaty bathrooms. [that's not something ange needs to hear too much about.]

And there's a part of me that's like, "well, Ange figured it out, so what's your problem?" But I guess, like, the same part of me could also be like... Ange figured it out, so you'll get there, too. And maybe it's weird for me to be saying all this or whatever, but I'm just like... [sigh. she's about to say something that she really doesn't need to say.] I'm not used to getting second chances on relationships. And I really want to do this one right.

Well, maybe it just helps that I skipped the whole "sweaty bathrooms" part. [ Ew. Gross.

It's true though. Ange knows that the way she and Ruby love each other isn't.. always the most conventional way, but it works for them both, and it's something she wouldn't want to trade for the world. But because of that, she also isn't too sure if there's just a gap in experience between her and Anna that makes it difficult for her to explain why every single step in her relationship with Ruby has always felt so relatively simple.

Relatively.

Then again, it could also just be Anna's own issues, especially given what she says at the end there. It makes Ange reach out until her hand lands on top of one of Anna's own hands, grabbing it to hold it. ]

Seriously, though.. Just love her. And trust her. Isn't that the most important thing in the end?

[ And maybe don't go off to turn yourself into a monster for some weird guy-- ]

If you don't want to hurt her, or your second chance, then just make sure to always think about whether what you're doing could hurt her or not before you do it. That's most of the reason why I've grown a little less reckless here, you know? [ Because it'd hurt Ruby if Ange got hurt.

It's easy to not care about your own wellbeing, unless someone else suddenly becomes invested in that exact thing. ]

[just love her and trust her. it should be that easy. it is that easy, frankly; kainé is not difficult to love, and she trusts her with more things than anna herself even realizes. the weak link here is anna, in her mind, but she would think that. it's the part about being reckless that gets to her. how she had to learn that the hard way, and how all the lessons from when she'd lost her eye came crashing back to her. she has something to lose now—she has a lot of somethings to lose.]

It's hard to imagine you being reckful, Ange. [she smiles, and she squeezes her friend's hand, and she ignores the memory of the scars from last winter.] But you've got me on a good path there. You and her... and everyone who cares about me. I don't think I realized what I had when I lost my eye, but a lot of people were kind of saying the same thing to me. Don't be so reckless, don't do things alone that'll put you in danger...

I think I'm getting better at settling down. I mean, hell, John's done enough to piss me off lately that I could fistfight him ten times over. [a weak smile.] But I guess I have to leave some lessons for Sensei Lawrence to learn.

[ Ange huffs. ]

Okay, we're establishing something here.

[ Because the afterparty of Ange's wedding is clearly the best place to do that, right? But-- look, they're holding hands, that clearly makes it the perfect set of circumstances. ]

The next time you want to fight someone, you have to ask me first. Alright? [ Maybe she should say to ask Kainé first - but considering what drove them apart last time, she doesn't want something like that to cause friction or awkwardness between them, thinking back on that time.

It's much easier to present this as just some dumb thing, bordering on something joking.

Even though Ange is actually kind of serious about it. ]

Come get formal permission from me first. Or you'll make your little sister cry.

[ And maybe that can help make Anna think twice before leaping into something. Like an extra layer of security - a net below her leap. ]

[ange doesn't joke.]

[okay, that's not entirely true, probably. but anna knows from the beginning that there is a lot of sincerity behind what ange is suggesting here. as she continues, anna listens, and nods, and by the end of it she's smiling. but the corners of her mouth shrink back down just a little at the very idea of making her little sister cry. and she closes her eye, and she nods gravely, and she looks back up at one of the two women of the hour again.]

I will. That's a promise. Because if someone has gotten you angry enough to agree to let me fight them? That's how I know they mean business.

[anna does joke, but not like this. not right here. she squeezes ange's hand as she agrees.]

I'll come in person and get your formal permission. But I need you to do something for me, too. [she breathes out slowly, then glances up and fixes ange with a shitty smirk.] Don't knock the dirty bar bathroom makeouts until you try them.

[ She may be a little surprised by Anna actually agreeing with this idea. (But it's a relief at the same time, because Ange knows that it will save her so much grief if she at least knows in advance that Anna is going to do something before she actually does it. And not just with a vague note that only worries her even more.)

But before she has even one moment to say something perhaps vaguely touching about it, Anna continues..

.. into that of all things.

Ange makes a face like someone just put a plate of the grossest possible vegetables right in front of her nose and expects her to eat it. ]

Why do they have to be dirty bathrooms!

[ She doesn't seem genuinely upset, at least.

This is just Ange's levels of dramatic. They make her look her age, rather than the way she always pretends to act so much older than she really is. ]

Edited 2022-10-30 08:29 (UTC)

[anna laughs, bright and happy and not with any kind of malice behind it at all. the smoke that lives in her throat colors it and makes it sound, to her old ears, like the laugh of somebody who actually is anna's age, instead of the ten years younger she often feels like she acts.]

It's about the aesthetic, Ange. Cigarette smoke and shitty beer and loud-ass music played through the worst amps imaginable. [this conversation has taken a hard left, but maybe it can provide ange with a better understanding of the way anna looks at things like romance and love.]

It's about knowing that you're not in the right place to do something, but your body and your emotions don't want to wait, so you just say "fuck it" and do it anyway. [she's still smiling, but there's nostalgia creeping into her tone. this isn't the way she acts anymore, but before trench, before A2, coming on twelve or thirteen years ago, this is the way she loved to be. and that's because...]

My first girlfriend used to live like that. We lived like that together, until... you know, we didn't. But I think there's always gonna be a part of me that thinks there's something romantic about it.

...

[ Ange's expression drops.

Not into something sad, though. No - there's definite understanding in her expression instead. Maybe not about the dirty bathrooms themselves, but.. more just because she can understand the sentiment behind it now. When you love someone, you start loving everything you associate with them. ]

Dumb action movies.

[ She slowly says. For a moment it sounds entirely out of context, but it's not too hard to connect the string when she speaks up. Her voice a tad quiet - because she's willing to admit this to Anna, sure, but if anyone else here at the party hears it, she will murder them. This is sisters-only. It's confidential.

If Anna trusts her with the story of her past love and filthy bathroom makeouts, then the least Ange can do is share that she gets it, share what reminds her of Ruby, even though it may not be romantic in a single other context, just like the filthy bathrooms-- ]

When you watch a really crappy action movie together, but it's fun, and you keep missing half of the plot anyway because you keep kissing throughout it.

[ Those are Ange's filthy club bathroom makeouts. ]

[anna hears those three words, and she has a guess at where ange is leading, but she's treating it extremely respectfully—because she can recognize by now when ange is being serious, sharing secrets, telling something that nobody should overhear. that she's doing it at her wedding party is an even bigger deal. she listens, and she smiles only when ange explains.]

That sounds amazing. And I'm so glad you have something like that. [the smile stays on her face, gentle and understanding. this is a lot cleaner than the thing that anna always goes back to, but the strength of emotions absolutely can't be denied or ignored.] Thanks for sharing it with me. Now I know what to get you for your birthday, whenever that is.

[is fast 10 out yet? she should get ange a copy of fast 10. for some reason she assumes that ange would love that franchise. maybe because it's about family.]

[ Ange takes Anna's reply rather well. Maybe exactly because the other is so relatively gentle and understanding about it. Ange knows that Anna can be a little bit of a gremlin sometimes - in the most positive sense of the word, believe her - so it means even more whenever Anna decides to not wield those powers, instead going easy on her little sister here.

It just makes her smile. ]

Okay.

[ She figures it's definitely going to be some dumb action movie. ]

Just make sure to hand me my present very, very secretly then. This isn't exactly something I tell everyone who isn't my big sister about. [ So these action movie transactions have to be Discreet now. We're talking trenchcoats in dark alleyways. ]

Oh, no, I understand. Brown paper bag, behind closed doors, not another soul in the world knows about it. I've done shady deals before, Ange.

[she says it so casually, with the tone of "yeah, the time knife, we've all seen it", but she truly does mean every word.]

Is your birthday a secret, though? I want to know how much time I have to prepare. 'Cause if I'm getting you something like that, I wanna put some real thought into it. [she thinks about some of the other presents she's gotten people recently and tries not to think too hard about, well, the times when she wasn't able to think about presents. she's still talking quietly, protecting the sanctity of this conversation.] It might involve me doing some independent research on which ones are the best to kiss a girl during.

[ A very, very important and secret conversation.

One that makes Ange smile a little when the other arrives at that last point. ]

I really don't think you need an 'independent research' excuse for that. [ Not like she didn't see you coming here with your partner, girl. Not like she doesn't know what Anna is like in the first place! ] But my birthday isn't until next summer, so if you do want a dumb joke you can use with Kainé for pretty much the rest of the year until then..

[ Be her guest, Anna. Especially since Ange won't have to witness the corniness herself and get all flustered about it. ]

[anna laughs like she's used to being seen like this and it doesn't bother her at all—and why would it, when she wears so much of who she is on her sleeve when she's around ange?]

Well, listen, you told me that in confidence. So I'm not even gonna share that with her, and it's not something I'm gonna make jokes about, either. [anna is good at cracking inappropriate jokes, but she is also good at being very sincere when it matters. and right now, she knows what matters.]

It's important to you, yeah? I'd be a pretty bad sister if I made fun of you for it.

.. yeah. And you aren't a bad sister.

[ Which is not even her just saying that to entice Anna into not telling anyone else about it.

It's just a statement of fact - and the way she looks as she says it proves that. She sounds so certain about that, like she's talking about the colour of the sky.

Which means it's probably time to say something else important, rather than talk about dumb action movies or sloppy bathroom makeouts. ]

Thank you for being here today. My day was a little bit more complete because you were part of it. [ Especially with how much family means to Ange.

Of course she'd want them to be here with her on her special day, more than anyone else. ]

Of course. There's nothing else I would rather be doing with my time, and nowhere else I'd rather be.

[god, she means that. the realization that she means that hits her in her chest and gets her eyes welling up just a little. she promised she wouldn't cry, but so much for that. she wipes her good eye dry.]

I hope Ruby makes you the happiest woman in the world. I'm so proud of you two. Love you, Ange.

(mostly open) oh this love would kill me

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