deercountry | Shen Yuan | November Catch-All

Once he has permission, Lan Xichen gently pushes aside the folding screen, steps past the threshold and closes it again. He's carrying a tray with a pot of tea and a bowl of congee, courtesy of Jin Guangyao (though Xichen helped dice the scallions and ginger).

He sets it down on the cot-side table, his sworn brother having already stuck warming talismans to them (as Xichen's now only did the opposite).

"How is Shen-gongzi feeling? It looks like colour has returned to his cheeks finally."

His color may be starting to come back, but the smile on Shen Yuan's face might as well be pasted on for how thin and weak it seems. "This one is feeling quite well," he says, like a liar. "Lan-gongzi and Jin-gongzi have been so kind, taking such good care of me." That part's actually true. Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao have been nothing but kind and gentle in their treatment of Shen Yuan, even when they refused to take no for an answer after inviting him to convalesce in their home. Much like the deliciously-smelling congee that Lan Xichen arranges in front of him, Shen Yuan wishes they wouldn't bother.

He doesn't deserve to be here.

He keeps smiling, and reaches for the spoon. "This looks lovely," he says (truthfully, for all that he has zero desire to eat it and will probably have to fight later to keep it down). "Did Lan-gongzi help make it?"

"Mm. A-Yao let's me cut the vegetables, but he won't let me near the stove yet."

He clears his throat, an embarrassed blue flush tinting the tips of his ears and cheeks.

"...There was an... incident a few days before you came here. I'm afraid I must learn about kitchen safety long before I learn the ins and outs of cooking."

There is a brief moment as he studies Shen Yuan. Something is... off. The young man seems much more subdued than usual and Xichen's brow knits in concern.

"When Shen-gongzi feels ready, I'll begin his checkup and the qi transfer."

Edited (asdjsdhjklslkjf enter key cause premature posting!) 2022-11-22 05:09 (UTC)

For a moment the corners of Shen Yuan's mouth tilt upwards, his dimples deepen, and his eyes sparkle with genuine amusement at Lan Xichen's admission. "Lan-gongzi learned how to use the omni so quickly," he tries to reassure him. "This one is sure he will master the electric stove in no time."

But then Lan Xichen reminds him of the real purpose of this visit, the reason why Shen Yuan's even sleeping under this roof in the first place, and he can't hold back a sigh. Of couse. His check-ups. Because once again he couldn't stop himself from rushing forward where he wasn't needed and getting himself hurt. This time he doesn't even have the excuse of protecting the sect to save himself a little face. He went off on his own to focus on his cultivation, and nearly died because of it. What a fool he was.

"Whatever Lan-gongzi thinks is best," he says lightly, not meeting his friend's eyes.

Yep. Something's definitely wrong.

"Shen-gongzi is most kind to think so," he remarks casually, pouring the tea for his friend before puttering around the 'room' to tidy up. There isn't much, but a few of Jin Guangyao's indoor plants need watering and a turn so they don't lean too much.

When Shen Yuan has finished, Xichen pulls up a chair and offers his hands palm up.

"Later today, if you are feeling up to it, would you like to take a walk with A-Yao and I? A short one around the block. I know being cooped up like this must be tiresome."

"This one wouldn't want to intrude," Shen Yuan says demurely. Fucking hell, he misses Liu Qingge. The man had all the conversational skills of a blunt rock, but right now? Shen Yuan thinks that'd be easier to take than all this unearned generosity.

"This one has already taken up so much of Lan-gongzi and Jin-gongzi's time and space," he points out, putting his hands in Lan Xichen's and frowning slightly at how they engulf his own. It's unfair that someone should have such nice, strong hands on top of Lan Xichen's many other advantages. "It's only fair that they should have some time to themselves." They've known each other so very much longer than they've known Shen Yuan, after all. He's the interloper here.

His touch is gentle as he checks Shen Yuan's pulse, and whatever he finds seems to be good, because he gives an approving nod, before the soft flow of energy passes into Shen Yuan's meridians like a refreshing breeze in early spring.

What the other man says, however, is very telling. This is no malaise of being cooped up, but something that speaks to a larger insecurity.

He doesn't chuckle and dismiss the concerns; rather, he gives Shen Yuan's wrists a light squeeze.

"On the contrary, Shen-gongzi's presence is refreshing," he explains. "Be at ease. You are not intruding."

"Mm." With Lan Xichen's qi flowing through him, it's both easier and harder to summon up a real smile. Easier because it takes left effort. Harder because he feels so fucking guilty. "Lan-gongzi is as kind as ever," he says noncommittally, "but this one doesn't feel terribly refreshing just now."

If he's just going to drag them both down with his moodiness, then that's even more reason to stay behind, in his opinion.

Something softens in Xichen's expression.

"I will not push the matter, but..."

He raises his gaze to meet Shen Yuan's, brow furrowed in worry, despite his smile.

"...This one knows all too well what it is to carry one's fears and troubles close to their heart. Our roles as cultivators, moreover as sect leaders, means we must carry our feelings close to our hearts. That being said,"

He gives his wrists another gentle squeeze.

"Shen-gongzi is safe here. He is a welcomed guest and a beloved friend. If there are worries weighing on him, both A-Yao and I would like to help, even if it is lending an open ear."

Shen Yuan's mouth twists for a moment, lips pressed so tightly together that they nearly turn white. Why does Lan Xichen keep pressing him? Hasn't he already embarrassed himself enough?

Apparently not. Shen Yuan bows his head, sparing himself at least the burden of eye contact before saying lowly, "Does Lan-gongzi know what it's like, standing beside someone as magnificent as him and knowing that in another time and place, we could have been equals? But not here and now, when it would actually matter? Does he know how humiliating that is?"

Shen Yuan shakes his head, gaze drifting towards the open window as he admits, "I used to think that it would be enough to cultivate until I could defend myself, and no more. But lately all I can think about is how much I want to catch up to Lan-gongzi."

He does not look offended or angry, but when Shen Yuan states he feels inferior, Xichen is taken aback.

It's a painful thing to learn this sort of thing about a friend, stinging those buried memories of a lonely childhood spent studying in quiet isolation, some desperate part of him aching to reach out. There is a reason he has foregone Zewu-jun outside of his banter with Jin Guangyao, there is a reason he doesn't mind simply being called Xichen by strangers, because it is a familiarity he rarely had the opportunity to experience. Now he stunned silent, shoved roughly back onto a pedestal he only recently had the opportunity to descend.

But Shen Yuan's situation is difficult too; forced to play the role of another completely at odds with his values, to fix the mistakes of a cruel and unyielding man while shedding his own identity. Lan Xichen may want to get down from the pedestal his been shoved onto his whole life, but Shen Yuan cannot afford to do the same with his own.

"Shen-gongzi," he says, soft and even-toned as he tries to wrangle his shocked expression into something more neutral. "I have never thought of us as aught but equals. Besides that, I think of you as someone who is both admirable and reliable."

Jin Guangyao does not intend to overhear this exchange, but having done so, un-hearing it isn't an option.

With the congee and tea prepared and parcelled off to Lan Xichen for delivery to Shen Yuan, he had slipped out of the parlour and into the small side building set aside to house Meng Shi and Jin Rusong's shrines, where he kneels in prayer and lights incense each morning. And there he had been, attending to his filial obligations, until the rest of his morning chores called him back to the main house, because eager as Lan Xichen may be to aid with the housekeeping, there is just a certain way that one must sort the laundry before adding it to the washing machine, and Jin Guangyao has discovered that this is something he must see to himself, at least for now.

And so he has just stepped back into the parlour and is reaching behind him to close the sliding doors to keep out the chill when he hears Shen Yuan's words, and Lan Xichen's response, and he goes still, considering them. And when he smiles to himself, there is an edge of bitterness to the expression; because Lan Xichen had spoken such words to him once, too, and Jin Guangyao had received them in the spirit with in they had been intended, with grace and gratitude and no shortage of affection. But even then, the lowly Meng Yao had known that those words would never be true in any way that the cultivation world would allow it to matter. There was a reason that Zewu-jun was the First Jade of Lan. Peerless.

He closes his eyes and takes a breath, composing his expression into something gentler, coaxing his self-loathing back into a shadowed corner of his heart. Then he turns and quietly crosses the room to stand beside the partition. He taps once to announce himself. "Er-ge, Shen-di. May I come in?"

Lan Xichen's words were hard enough to hear, so clearly well-meant and even more clearly misplaced. Shen Yuan could not hold back a small, nearly-unnoticeable shake of his head in instinctive denial, wondering where on earth Lan Xichen had gotten all this -- admirable? Reliable? Him? Reliable to be a petty bitch on the network, maybe, that's the only time Shen Yuan can think of that he met expectations on his own merits, rather than just scrambling to measure up to Shen Qingqiu --

(And now he wonders if maybe the System knew what it was doing putting him in the scum villain's role after all, because how lowly is he, really, that he able to trick someone as noble as Lan Xichen into thinking they're even remotely the same?)

But even worse than listening to Lan Xichen try to comfort him is hearing Jin Guangyao's voice, and realizing his dear friend overheard them. Which is terrible, because never, not ever in ten thousand years, would Shen Yuan have ever wished to make Jin Guangyao feel inadequate for having a weak core.

The blood actually drains from his face, and Shen Yuan cuts off the qi transfer from Lan Xichen as gently as he can without sacrificing speed. He staggers to his feet, nearly tripping and falling from the headrush, and hurries over to pull the partition aside his own damn self.

"Jin-ge," he says, stricken. "I'm so sorry, I didn't --" Didn't what? Didn't mean him to hear that? Didn't mean to denigrate him? Didn't what, Shen Yuan?

Xichen looks lost. Xichen is lost. There is a gap here where he thought was common ground and he wants to reach across, take Shen Yuan's hand and assure him that really, he thinks the world of him.

But he doesn't know how.

The problem with being peerless is that, without peers, there are simply interpersonal situations he is not equipped for. He never had the opportunity to learn, however much he wished otherwise.

He looks imploringly to Jin Guangyao for some answer because his friend is hurting, it is his fault, and he doesn't know how to make it right.

~~okay, Jin Guangyao's love language involves gift-giving, acts of service, and lying to you for your own good, but he's going to do his very best here~~

"Shen-di--!" he starts when the partition is flung open, and then his eyes widen when Shen Yuan's apologies burst out of him. Startled, he looks past Shen Yuan to Lan Xichen's hepless face, and then reaches out for Shen Yuan's arms to steady him, because he does look like he is on the cusp of collapsing. "Shen-di, please," he interrupts him, aiming for a tone of voice at once kind and firm, "you are not well. Please, come sit back down beside Er-ge."

First thing's first: breakfast, and the qi transfer. He deploys the most reliable of the persuasive weapons in his arsenal--the Eyes--and looks at Shen Yuan beseechingly, gently squeezing his forearms. "Please."

He's not well? Shen Yuan wants to laugh hysterically. Clearly he's not, if he's running around like this after losing that much blood, upsetting his friends -- Jin Guangyao's head is bobbing oddly in his field of vision, but the Eyes are super effective for all that. He really is the worst. (He is, not Jin Guangyao. Jin-ge is the best and Shen Yuan's not worthy of his friendship.)

Okay, maybe he really does need to sit down now. "Okay," he says meekly, and allows himself to be escorted back to the couch. "I mean it though," he says awkwardly, the initial burst of adrenaline gone and leaving him humiliated and ashamed. "That wasn't, I didn't -- Jin-ge, please don't believe any of that was in reference to you."

This is more familiar territory, and as he joins Jin Guangyao in escorting Shen Yuan back to bed, he shoots the shorter man a thankful look.

"We are always our harshest critics," comes his gentle response. "Often what we are insecure about in ourselves we would not think to judge in others."

He takes a seat on Shen Yuan's left, offering his hand, and nodding for Jin Guangyao to take the other, just as he and Shen Yuan had done for Jin Guangyao back at The Red.

He meets Lan Xichen's eyes across Shen Yuan's shoulders and answers his thankful expression with one of patient understanding. Then, while helping Shen Yuan back to the low couch, Jin Guangyao assures him gently, "Shen-di has said nothing that requires an apology. This one is not offended by his words."

He settles down onto Shen Yuan's other side and, after flicking out his sleeves, reaches to take his other hand. Lan Xichen isn't the only one who notices the parallels in what they are doing here, if his brief, knowing glance towards his elder sworn brother is any indication. There's even the barest curve of a smile at the corners of his mouth, and he reaches for some polite levity while placing his fingertips against Shen Yuan's qi point at his wrist. The energy that he siphons from his own meridians and allows to pour across Shen Yuan's lands like the first touch of warm sunlight on a particularly brisk, golden autumn day.

"Er-ge must take care not to get himself into any trouble next month," he tells him with an admonishingly raised eyebrow--you know, affectionately. "Otherwise we will have to ask Huaisang to help with the qi transfer." Heaven forbid. He shifts his eyes to Shen Yuan's and adds, "Shidi will have to help me keep an eye on you."

Too good, they're just too good to him. "This one will do his best to be helpful," he says, and closes his eyes, the better to focus on absorbing the energy they give him without wasting any of it. He can manage that much, at least.

As his thirsting meridians are gradually refilled, his mind clears, and his emotions begin to untangle themselves by at least a small fraction. He sighs, sick to death of being such an embarrassment to himself. "I'm starting to think I need looking after myself," he says, a very wan attempt at a joke. He's certainly not doing a very good job of it himself.

"A-Yao, I have no intention of getting myself into trouble," he remarks, with the flicker of a smile. You don't need to keep too close of an eye on him, A-Yao. He's a mature and responsible adult.

However, Xichen doesn't take Shen Yuan's attempt at a joke for what it is. Rather he looks quite serious when he says "I think Shen-gongzi is right."

But there is a gentle squeeze to his hand as that life-energy begins to flow into him, Shen Yuan safely settled between Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao (and some might argue that it's an odd place to feel safe but there's no accounting for taste).

"Shen-gongzi, whatever is the matter, you do not have to endure it alone."

Edited 2022-11-26 03:38 (UTC)

Lan Xichen receives only the barest, challenging raise of Jin Guangyao's eyebrows in response. He purses his lips to temper his smile and turns his eyes back to his task.

Words come very easily to Jin Guangyao, which is precisely why he is so reticent to speak now; in his past when he has reached for words of reassurance, of comfort, they were extended shallowly, to mollify someone to make them easier for Jin Guangyao to manipulate. Here, now, the sincerest comfort he can offer to Shen Yuan are his actions; he leaves the gentle, heartfelt words to Lan Xichen--for the most part. It's very easy for him to agree with the last words he offers Shen Yuan, sincere and earnest.

"Er-ge is right." He gently curls his fingers around his friend's wrist, squeezing once, and smiles a little. "Shen-di should come to us if he needs help. Even," and this he adds with a brief glance at Lan Xichen, as if he is conceding this point as much to show his Er-ge that he has been listening, he is trying, "if he wishes he could manage on his own."

Fuuuuuck, it's very rude of Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao to get all wholesome and affirming on him like this, when Shen Yuan can't even turn his back or get his fan out to hide how sentimental it makes him feel. He has to pretend there's something fascinating going on with the ceiling to keep himself from doing something embarrassing, like bursting into tears. Goddamn. He'd better be more careful about not letting himself get hurt like that in the future, not only is it painful and embarrassing but it also turns him into a human sprinkler.

"I'm thinking about changing the name of the group chat when the month rolls over," he blurts out, just as the qi transfer is wrapping up and the silence starts to shift from 'wholesome and comfortable' to 'awkward.' "How does 'The Staying at Home Club' sound?"

Shen Yuan | November Catch-All

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