( open ) put you down i put myself down.

[dyaddyissues]

Who: Kylo Ren + Rey (closed), and open
What: reviving, reliving and readjusting
When: Mid-december
Where: Starting at the shore, ending up wherever it ends up
Warnings: Death, dismemberment, violence. Usual Star Wars stuff.

1. ( CLOSED TO REY )

Kylo is no stranger to death, he's delivered it by his own hands more times than he could count. Nameless soldiers, insubordinates, enemies and even his own father. Facing down his uncle, he'd expected it to be different whenever he pictured the scenario in his mind. Never did he picture his own demise whenever he thought of this instance. He never pictured the hate in his eyes, shining in his normally kind face. Forced down to his knees, his saber gone, and hand with it. Bleeding from multiple wounds; the man had taken his time with it. Kylo's fight went from murderous rage to simply trying to survive, to defend himself from the pure hate and power being directed at him. 

This... this wasn't right. Kylo realized it far too late that he wasn't dealing with Luke Skywalker, not really. He'd been so blinded by his own hatred and fear that he hadn't noticed how wrong the situation was, and now he would pay the price of that mistake. Pain, exhaustion and blood loss clouded his mind, vision blurring at the edges - the last sight he had was the two sabers in not quite Luke's hands plunging deep into his chest and then nothing.  

And then the cold. It was so very cold. And instead of the bliss of peace, his body hurt. This wasn't dying.

Nearly a month later, Kylo revived in the deep darkness of the ocean. His limbs were not quite his own and didn't move until they formed actual arms and legs, not the thin tendrils of a much smaller, not human form. Getting them to move when he felt weak and sluggish, somehow he made it to the edge of the shore. Clawing his way forward before collapsing onto the sand, naked and shivering, hacking up a lungful of water. Kylo struggled to open his eyes, blinking up against the light, his vision coming into focus slowly to make out a familiar face. He opened his mouth but couldn't make the words come out, the name slipping deep out of reach...

2. ( OPEN + AROUND TRENCH )

Unsurprising to anyone with eyes or has known him for more than two minutes, Kylo doesn't deal with things well. Typically, he responds in anger, destroying and using the Force for destruction. But once all that's dried up, it's a strange kind of disconnect that he doesn't like. The truth is that he's not settling well, after dying and reawakening. It's the bizarre feeling of not quite feeling like he fits in his skin. The first twenty-four hours pass in this strange haze and after that, well - he has time to sit and reflect on where he went wrong, relive those last few moments in his head over again. 

Force. It's over now, he's alive and fine, why can't he shake off the dredges of dread and fear, bury it with rage and simply move on? He'd be enraged if he wasn't feeling so. 

And so he retreats into himself. Not exactly social to begin with, he keeps his head down further, avoiding contact with those he knows and those he doesn't. Coming out for the typical necessities of needing food or simply needing a walk. Or to find another empty part of the woods to take his saber to. 

Comments

[provenforce]

Rey used to wish for Kylo Ren's death. She had bitterly hated him after he had murdered Han, his own father. She wished for anything but his death, now. That she could undo the damage caused, but by the time she had found him he'd been too far gone for her to heal. The only hope she had had been the whisper of life in the tiny squid that had remained when his body had broken apart.

The month of waiting had been agony, however. She could feel his absence with every breath, every heartbeat, and it nearly crushed her. She had some distractions, taking care of the porgs that remained in her care, hauling junk in from the beach while she watched the horizon for any sign of him. But her nights were restless, dreams full of darkness. Not only of his absence, but the knowledge of her bloodline.

That, she had barely begun to process.

She was already at the beach when she felt that tiny spark in the ocean surge to life. It felt like her heart had started beating again after a month of stillness. Abandoning the junk she was picking through she ran to get the things she had kept tucked in her speeder just in case. His clothes that she had mended from his fight with Luke, a warm blanket because it was winter and freezing.

The ache in her heart when she saw him claw his way to land was sharp and strong, a quiet sob bubbling in her throat as she ran towards him.

"I'm here, Ben," she managed to choke out as her vision blurred with tears, kneeling down next to him and throwing the blanket over his prone form. She reached out with shaking hands to brush his hair away from his face, trying to calm herself to pass that to him, but failing miserably. "You're okay."

[dyaddyissues]

Kylo blinks at Rey, everything feels strangely sluggish and his body seems to be an ill fit. His recollection of everything before the sea was vague, only snippets filtered through his still fogged up brain. An ache in his chest and arm are about the only clues to what had transpired... that and a pair of ice cold eyes.

But one thing is for sure, it is the warmth that seems to radiate from her, and despite everything Kylo trusts her. The strange sense of self and safety, he can only blink and shudder under the weight of the blanket and touch.

Something clicks into place.

"Rey." He croaks at last, heavily raising his arm to clasp at her sleeve.

What happened?

[provenforce]

She can feel that he's still uncertain, still waking up into himself again. That he's waking up at all is such a miracle that she can allow him that time. Part of her doesn't want to tell him at all, hopes he won't remember.

When he grabs her sleeve she moves her arm, turning it in his grasp and taking his hand with hers instead, threading her fingers through his and holding it tightly to her chest.

"I'm here. You're okay." Somehow, impossibly. Thanks to this damned place, he's alive.

[dyaddyissues]

Kylo gives Rey a pointed Look, that would likely say really? He doesn't feel alright, but her being there... it's a start. He grips her hand back in return.

Simply laying his head down on her shoulder and letting exhaustion take him to rest sounds all too pleasant, but getting warm and dry and dressed as he's just become aware of the fact that his clothes are gone--

No, really, what had happened. Why can't he remember? Unless Kylo had decided to swim in the sea, naked, which he doubts, he feels that something worse had taken place.

"Rey... m-my clothes?" It seems like a place to start.

[provenforce]

"Oh, of course," Rey replies quickly, maybe a little embarrassed she hadn't offered them immediately. Still holding his hand she reaches to pick up the bundle and hold it out to him.

"I had to mend them so they aren't perfect, but they're clean."

[dyaddyissues]

Kylo takes the bundle in his free hand with a nod of thanks, examining the stitches in the tattered clothing. He brushes a thumb over one such mend, a tear right where his heart would be.

An almost perfect echo of him murdering Han.

"I don't remember what happened." Swallows, pausing and continuing. "But I'm assuming that I didn't survive that particular encounter."

[provenforce]

Her breath hitches as she remembers finding him lifeless and broken. She closes her eyes against the familiar sting of tears, shaking her head shallowly as she tightens her hold on his hand.

"I'm sorry. This wouldn't have happened if I had been there." She'd had a good month to stay up all hours thinking about it. She's firmly decided his blood is entirely on her hands, despite Luke being the one who was holding the blade.

[dyaddyissues]

He doesn't need the force to feel the waves of guilt and blame that seem to radiate from her. Kylo sighs, glad he's at least getting some of the feeling back in his limbs, and he seems to have found his voice again. Perhaps his body will follow suit.

"You don't know that for sure. For all that it's worth, you might have wound up sharing the same fate.." And that he can say with certainty, even not recalling entirely why he'd died or how (though he can guess the means by the pain he's in). His arm, his chest...

"And blaming yourself doesn't change what happened." Taking the clothes in hand, he awkwardly begins pulling his shirt on over head.

[provenforce]

She presses her lips together to keep from any further elaboration, realizing this isn't the best place to wallow in how miserable the last month has been. Sniffing she lets go of his hand and rubs her eyes, standing quickly and turning around.

"I'll... let you get dressed," she stammered, embarrassed this hadn't been the first thing she'd done.

2

[survivalthroughhate]

Maul can be extremely moody when he wants to be. It's very obvious to both family, friends, and foes alike when he gets this way, so it's small wonder he's able to recognize the signs in someone else. Passing by Kylo Ren one day, he notes the lack of usual fire that fuels the man's anger. Huh. Strange.

So he turns around, his Omen Venge trotting by his side in the deep snow, and goes over to the Knight of Ren. "What happened?" He asks bluntly. Maul figures it was something that had to do with his place which has caused it. Trench does so seem to love causing them trauma.

[dyaddyissues]

Of course, of anyone who could run across him in this mood it would be someone he doubts would leave well enough alone. Kylo scuffs a booted heel in the snow, shaking his head.

"Never you mind. Just leave me be."

Admitting that he'd been defeated and maimed, that he'd let his personal feelings cloud his skill and misjudged the situation, not realizing that something hadn't been right -- maybe Maul already knew of that, given his closeness to Luke. Or maybe he'd shown the traits he'd display in the future and ran.

[survivalthroughhate]

No insults? No threatening to fight? No arrogance? Yep, something is definitely wrong with Kylo Ren. Venge flat-out goes up and starts sniffing him, trying to figure out what's going on, while Maul keeps more of a distance.

He folds his arms, shaking his head. "You know, this place often likes people to talk with one another about their feelings. So you can try to shut down but it'll be wormed out of you one way or another. Might as well be voluntary instead of forced out."

[dyaddyissues]

Kylo doesn't mind the omen sniffing at him, even extending a hand to allow it to further examine him. Yes, he's fine. Well, no. Yes. Maybe.

What does it really matter? Kylo can't help the dry bark of laughter; not a happy sound coming from him as he shakes his head.

"Yes, but if I had my choice in who I was going to confide in on my own volition, you would be near, if not dead last on that list." Kylo intones. "No offense." He adds in a way that clearly proclaims that he doesn't care if Maul is offended.

Nosy.

[survivalthroughhate]

Maul just raised his eyebrow ridges up. "I'm surprised with your charming personality you even have a list," Maul said dryly. "Come. Let us at least get a cup of tea into you and then you can start feeling like a sapient being again."

Venge agreed with this and pushed Kylo hard with their head. They could be a pushy Omen when they wanted.