deercountry | Winter Be Gentle And Kind [Open]

Entry tags:

Winter Be Gentle And Kind [Open]

Who: Shen Yuan's CR group, as well as anyone else who'd like to join in <3
What: Open CR, meeting with people to discuss the Trench almanac, FURNITURE SHOPPING 8D The regularly-scheduled Shen Yuan had just moved into a new apartment in Gaze when Decembered ended, and just because the alternate version will only be living in Trench for the month doesn't mean he's going to sleep on the floor. What is he, a college student? Get out of here.
When: Throughout January and into February
Where: Shen Yuan's new apartment and the Archives in Gaze, furniture and antique stores in the Wilful Machine, more locations TBD

Content Warnings: Oblique references to kidnapping, harem politics, casual violence and romance between a kidnapping victim and their captor. This Shen Yuan comes from an fanfic-inspired AU where he was kidnapped and wooed by a Luo Binghe who had already become emperor, and while he considers himself a fully-consenting partner in their relationship others' mileage may vary. Please contact me privately if you'd like more details or have requests about topics you'd like to avoid while we thread together.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

By contrast, Shen Yuan's face may actually be slightly more plump now than before he left -- but the skin around his eyes is red and slightly puffy, and his smile dimmer than usual, with an ironic twist. "It's only been a few weeks," he says demurely, and opens the door further to let Lan Xichen inside. "But I did miss Lan-gongzi," he adds, and for what it's worth that, at least, isn't a lie. "Please come in."

"I understand congratulations are in order," he remarks, trying to get it out of the way and done with early, while Lan Xichen's back is turned in his first, preliminary survey of Shen Yuan's new living space. "I know Lan-gongzi will take good care of Jin-ge, won't you?"

-- Ah, he shouldn't have said that last part. It's surely too much, crosses the line from supportive into concerned. And what does he have to be concerned about?

"It was four months for me," he admits, but doesn't elaborate further. He doesn't know why Trench continues to be specifically so odd about his time and he's not sure he wants to examine the deeper implications, if there are any.

He follows Shen Yuan inside and has a look at his new living space. Very cozy! Consort Shen has a good eye, indeed.

"Thank you. It... we never thought we could have such a thing." The sworn brotherhood had been the closest facsimile of the the kind of partnership he and Jin Guangyao had wanted - one in which they were equals. "This one will do all he can to be a good spouse."

His smile is soft, serene when he turns back to Shen Yuan, offering over a tin of delicate sweets.

"Shen-gongzi has also had an eventful time, if someone was lucky enough to catch his eye."

There it is, a flicker of delighted mischief in his smile, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle just a little more at the corners. He's so happy for Shen Yuan - he deserves to be loved and cared for!

Four months -- ?

Despite his own troubles, Shen Yuan's heart still twists with a pang of sympathy. Separated from Trench for so long, without any prior transmigration experience, Lan Xichen must have begun to wonder if any of it was real, or just some strange dream. No wonder he'd rushed so quickly into an engagement with Jin Guangyao -- it really wasn't that different, after all, from Shen Yuan's own impulse to share the, um, personal revelations he'd experienced with Jin Guangyao, as soon as he'd found himself back. Lan Xichen had simply gotten there first. (First in all things, Shen Yuan reflects ironically.)

Shen Yuan stares in confusion at the sudden swerve, accepting the box of sweets automatically without really seeing it. A certain amount of curiosity about his new decoration is only to be expected, he supposes, but he hadn't expected any of the cultivators other than maybe Huaisang to bring it up so overtly. "Ah...it really wasn't like that," he finally manages to stammer, embarrassed, and attempts to bodily haul the conversation onto another subject by turning to carry the sweets into his small but comfortable kitchen, where he's been keeping some water hot for Lan Xichen's arrival. "What kind of tea would Lan-gongzi like?" he asks, setting the tin down on the counter and opening one of the cupboards to reveal his new selection of teas. "My other self was busy here, too," he adds, with an attempt at cheerfully.

"Oh my," he hums, in the same tone he'd used to gently rib his younger brother into pursuing Wei Wuxian. There is something off, but he he cannot put his finger on it yet. Either way, he goes with the flow.

"Something light to complement the confections, if possible."

At the mention of Consort Shen being busy, he gives a nod of agreement.

"He worked hard to make things comfortable for you." Something, something, taking self care to another level, perhaps. "Are the living arrangements to Shen-gongzi's liking?"

Safely hidden from Lan Xichen as he gets out the requestest tea and starts spooning it into the kettle, Shen Yuan allows his lips to twist for a moment in reflection of his rather mixed feelings.

"It is more comfortable this way than it was before," he finally acknowledges. "And he picked everything out and put the space together much more quickly than I would have on my own." It's probably ungrateful to be annoyed, or feel like the chance to make the space his own was taken from him. Every piece of furniture was picked out by another version of him, after all. How can he steal something from himself?

Although he has to wonder if his other self might not feel something of the same way, when he finds out what his husband has been up to lately...

"I'm glad that it was another Shen Yuan who took my place," is what he says out loud, gently guiding the subject away from more awkward feelings. "I was worried a version of Shen Qingqiu would turn up and ruin everything."

"The man who abused your disciple...?" Lan Xichen confirms. "You are not him, however much something tried to make you fill that role. I do not think you would be switched with him."

He smiles a little wryly to himself.

"Besides, if Shen Qingqiu is as unpleasant as Shen-gongzi says, then we would have known he was an imposter right away. His behaviour should never reflect on you."

"It is good of Lan-gongzi to say so." Shen Yuan glances back, smiling over his shoulder. "In truth I'd be happiest never thinking of Shen Qingqiu again, but..." He sighs, turning back to the tea preparations. "This place does have a tendency to force us to face our pasts, doesn't it...?"

He hasn't forgotten the things he saw in the Winter Mournings, or the things his friends saw, either. Nobody's brought them up yet, they were all sort of mutually dancing around the subject before the month turned and the next weird Trenchly effect kicked in. But he hasn't forgotten. And if they put off talking about them too long, most likely something will turn up to make them discuss it. So it's best to get the most awkward parts over with quickly, probably. And hey, if they're talking about that then they're not talking about his hickie and how he got it, so really it's a win on multiple levels!

"Yes," he agrees, eyes shut and head bowed. "The very worst of it, it seems."

Are you sure you don't want to talk about your hickie, Shen Yuan? Are you perfectly positive?

"When Shen-gongzi returned to his world - was he able to resolve any of the matters we bore witness to?"

Because closure is important. It can help immensely with grieving. Xichen knows this, knows what it is to come to that gradual realization that he will never have closure for his darkest moment and a part of him will be eaten alive by it, and he has no one to blame but himself.

He doesn't want that anguish for Shen Yuan. He hopes against hope that he found some resolution to the memories plaguing him.

"I didn't go back to my world," Shen Yuan answers, carefully keep his gaze focused on his own hands as they arrange teacups, kettle, and sweets on a tray. "I switched places with Consort Shen."

Still not looking at Lan Xichen, he carries the tray over to the little sitting area, like an open-plan parlor, that Consort Shen arranged next to the largest window in the apartment, the curtains already drawn back to let in the pale wintry sunlight. He sets the tray down -- and sighs deeply before sinking into one of the low, padded chairs arranged around the coffee table.

"Consort Shen seems to have been very proud of having a husband," he notes out loud, face turned towards the window. "Did he ever mention the gentleman's name?"

Whoops it turns out the hickie and Shen Yuan's issues are related after all! Awkward conversation, here we go~

"He did and -"

It takes Xichen a moment to catch on.

...Oh.

That explains the mark.

Something fierce and protective and angry wells up in Lan Xichen. Foolish! And here they were, lightly ribbing Shen Yuan over something that may well be causing him pain!

Do not make assumptions, the writing on the Wall of Discipline rings in his ears.

"...Shen-gongzi, did he-- did he try to force himself on you...?"

Edited 2023-01-25 04:08 (UTC)

"Ah..."

See? This is why he didn't want to talk about it!!! How's he supposed to describe it all to Lan Xichen in a way that makes sense when he's still trying to make sense of it all himself??

"...No," he finally says, shoving each of his hands up the opposite sleeve and hunching his shoulders defensively. "Not in the way that's commonly understood by...by such phrasing."

"Please sit down," he adds after a moment. It's bad enough having to talk about this without doing it while Lan Xichen hovers at him like that!

Edited 2023-01-25 04:19 (UTC)

Not in the way that's commonly understood by...by such phrasing.

Well. That didn't bode well.

He takes a deep, shuddering breath and does as asked, sitting down, hands folded in his lap.

"Take your time, Shen-gongzi," he says gently. "It seems like you had a poor time of things."

Shen Yuan scoffs, twisting further from Lan Xichen as though he wants to climb over the chair he's currently sitting in and hide behind it. But he would never behave so childishly, so instead he says, "Lan-gongzi misunderstands. It wasn't -- it wasn't like that at all."

He chews on his lower lip for a moment before viciously admitting, "I didn't dislike anything he did to me." He was too overwhelmed at the time, all of the time it was happening, to accurately say if he actually liked most of it, but...he surely didn't hate it. It was only after he left, and...and discovered that Jin Guangyao was getting married, that...Everything was all confused now, in his mind. It was his own fault, honestly. He'd done this to himself.

"Does Lan-gongzi think less of me now?" he asks, turning to stare at Lan Xichen directly. Almost daring him to answer in the positive, so he'll have a reason to be angry with him after all.

"No."

His tone is soft but there's a firmness to the answer that brooks no quarter. How could he think less of Shen Yuan? The man is good and kind in all things. Luo Binghe's actions and choices were his own and should not reflect on his friend's character.

"Though this one wonders if Shen-gongzi would prefer otherwise. It makes it easier to lay the blame entirely on oneself."

And he had seen this before, cases of varying extremity. Mo Xuanyu and his attempt at Jin Guangyao comes to mind briefly - and he had never seen his betrothed so shaken in the aftermath.

Shen Yuan's lips twist on themselves, as of he'd bitten into something sour. "Lan-gongzi is much, much too perceptive," he mutters shortly, and unfolds himself from his chair so he can pour the tea. Might as well, right, after he went to the trouble of making it.

"I don't want a fight," he lies, and hands Lan Xichen a teacup. "I suppose I'm just... having trouble processing it all, for some reason."

"It is natural to be hurt and angry after such an ordeal. What he did to you was wrong, and to have endured it so long..."

The Lan Sect keeps men and women disciples very separate, save for the occasional shared lesson, but even then there are... incidents. The rules, of course, dictate the victims carry themselves with some measure of dignity, but that had never sat right with Lan Xichen. He had made extensive use of silencing charms so they could let out their hurt, their fury, let it drain from them like poison from a wound.

"...If Shen-gongzi wishes to vent that anger, I promise I will continue to think highly of you."

"What do I have to be angry about?" Shen Yuan asks rhetorically, focused on keeping his hands from shaking as he pours himself tea next. "He didn't 'do' anything to me that I didn't allow. Does Lan-gongzi think me so incapable?"

Right, because he, Shen Yuan, absolutely could have escaped Luo Binghe any time he wanted. Yep, definitely.

"There were certain things that I'd been hiding from everyone, even myself," he haltingly explains, his gaze drifting back to the view of the street outside while his teacup rests in his cupped hands in his lap, undrank. "That other Shen Yuan, Consort Shen, he'd gone through something similar. Luo Binghe was just trying to help me like he helped his --" Shen Yuan can't help but grimace as he pronounces the word, "...husband."

Edited 2023-01-26 19:01 (UTC)

"It is not a question of capability."

Lan Xichen cradles his cup between his palms, just to feel the warmth. The Coldblood in his veins feels alien after four months, but it seems a small price to pay to return to this place, where his friend sits across from him and Jin Guangyao is at home, alive and well.

"More that it seems Luo Binghe hurt you more than he helped...?"

There is the compulsion to reach across the table, to take Shen Yuan's hands in his own and look him in the eye, to speak reassurances. He knows it won't help - even if his worst fears have been laid to rest, it doesn't mean Shen Yuan's boundaries weren't violated, and Lan Xichen has no desire to repeat Luo Binghe's folly.

"That's not Binghe's fault," Shen Yuan insists, and finally lifts his teacup to his lips so he has an excuse to close his eyes and not observe Lan Xichen's reaction when he declares, "I'm just bad at this. At feelings."

Might as well say Jin Guangyao hurt him by getting engaged while he was gone! Binghe was just trying to do what he does best, help in his own particular, stallion protagonist way. Can't blame him for being what he is. Now is Airplane was here, on the other hand...

Shen Yuan smiles at that, a quick, bitter thing. "I beg Lan-gongzi not to be too troubled by all this," he finally says, sadly. "Actually I should apologize for bringing down his mood. You and, and Jin-ge deserve every happiness."

"Having difficulty with expressing yourself does not abrogate Luo Binghe's responsibility for his own actions." Lan Xichen's voice is soft, gentle, but there is an ironclad firmness of conviction there.

"Shen-gongzi, even if you cannot wholly express yourself," and he knows - he knows - how often that's not feasible, even in an ideal world, "you still have a right to your emotions. And I am not troubled hearing you out."

He smiles, a small thing, belying a strange melancholy.

"...Or rather, part of me is happy someone I consider a friend would be willing to share such troubles with me."

...God, how can one person contain that much goodness? Is Lan Xichen even real? Shen Yuan feels terrible now (well, more terrible than before). It hadn't occurred to him, with how hard he's been working not to ruin this for Jin Guangyao, how he might accidentally hurt Lan Xichen too, by pulling away from him.

And he doesn't deserve that. It's not his fault that Shen Yuan was naive, and...and ignorant, and blind to what was apparently right in front of his face.

Said face crumples slightly, while Shen Yuan struggles with his own emotions. He's much too sober to cry in front of another man (even though he might soft of like to), so it takes him a moment to master himself. Finally he says, hoarsely, "It's easy to see why Jin-ge holds Lan-gongzi in such high esteem."

He lets them both sit with that for a moment, while he sips his tea and tries to re-order his thoughts. Operative word being 'tries;' at last he can't hold it back anymore, and the question bursts out of him: "You will be good to him, won't you? You won't let anyone hurt him again?"

No prizes for guessing which event he's referring to with that 'again.'

Whatever the xianxia equivalent to a lightbulb goes off in Lan Xichen's head.

Ah.

So there was another dimension to this he wasn't seeing. The hard determination around his eyes softens to something gentle, something sympathetic. He has been where Shen Yuan is right now and it is an ugly, twisting feeling, the kind that you have to let yourself feel until it either fades or you grow used to it.

"No - I will not let anyone hurt or denigrate him again."

In truth, he'd never expected that kind of behaviour from Mingjue to begin with. He'd always been hot-headed, but had always seemed above such prejudices. Had he misjudged the man? Or had the sabre sunk itself too deep into him?

He'll probably never know now. The man he knew, the man he'd admired since he was a child was fading long before Jin Guangyao engineered his demise - Lan Xichen just couldn't bring himself to admit it.

"Even if da-ge appears on these shores, it would be wise to keep him well away from A-Yao. Likewise, if Luo Binghe comes here, I will gladly keep him away from you, if that's what Shen-gongzi wishes."

Good, Lan Xichen got the point Shen Yuan had been trying to make -- possibly a little too well, as his gaze suddenly takes on a horrible knowing tone that has Shen Yuan squirming in his seat. "Oh, well...Lan-gongzi's offer is appreciated, but I'm not sure that will actually be necessary any longer." He smiles anxiously, lifting his teacup back to his face for a careful sip that has absolutely nothing to do with letting himself hide behind it. "I'm sure it sounds ludicrous, given...well, everything Lan-gongzi saw in December..." Yeah, that. The Winter Mournings. Fuck those things for life, seriously.

"I've begun to wonder if perhaps I underestimated Luo Binghe's capacity for forgiveness," he admits with a small, bewildered shrug. "Consort Shen's husband seemed sure, anyway...he wasn't instructed by any version of me, but over the course of his adventures he traveled to a world which contained a Luo Binghe who was, and that version also went on to marry his Shen Yuan." Which is still weird as hell!!! What's with all these gay Luo Binghes??? Was there any Luo Binghe anywhere in the multiverse who was actually straight like Airplane intended? (Oh Shen Yuan, if only you knew...)

"Obviously I have no interest in marrying a former student, but...I have hope, at least, that if he were to arrive on these shores, he could be persuaded to drop his vendetta against me." Which really, was all Shen Yuan wanted, since he'd failed to avoid the Abyss arc altogether. "But Lan-gongzi's kindness is greatly appreciated, as I said, and...I'm glad, that he understands what needs to be done. With regards to how Jin-ge deserves to be treated." Because that was the really important part, here. Shen Yuan would rather deal with a dozen Luo Binghes than make Jin Guangyao face a single Nie Mingjue.

He does not say "if he even has a vendetta" out loud, but he's certainly thinking it.

"No one can help making assumptions," he says, "it is unavoidable. But the more we see, the less feasible it is to cling to them, especially here. Be cautious, but hope for the best."

A sentiment he holds for any potential arrival of Luo Binghe or Nie Mingjue. He would like to see Shen Yuan reconcile with his disciple. He would like to see his friend, hale and whole and returned to his senses. But there is always, always the possibility that they will arrive upon those shores, seething with resentment and desperate for blood. He cannot blame them - they were wronged immeasurably. But he knows where his priorities lay, and that is with his betrothed, and the man in front of him.

He takes a sip of tea, only to find that the surface has developed a thin layer of ice. With a sigh, he sets the cup down. He hadn't realized his natural chill had seeped into the cup.

"I am glad A-Yao has met someone else who cares for his well-being. Back home, things were not so simple for him. Here, I believe he will be able to pursue what makes him happy, and form lasting relationships without having to look over his shoulder."

He removes his hands from the cup, before he accidentally freezes it to shattering, and hopes that his friend hears what was said between the lines; that Jin Guangyao cared for Shen Yuan too, and Xichen hopes he never has to doubt that.

Oh, Shen Yuan took Lan Xichen's meaning all right, and once again he found himself blinking back tears because of it. Lan Xichen's sincerity...it really was too much.

"Jin-ge is very important to me," he says, as calmly and clearly as he can. "I will always prioritize his happiness, no matter what form it takes."

If he was to be Jin Guangyao's friend, he would be the best possible friend he could be - and that included being friendly to and supporting Jin Guangyao's chosen partner. He simply wouldn't allow himself to be envious and hurtful, it just wasn't going to happen.

Shen Yuan reluctantly put down his now-empty teacup, casting around for another place to hide, and happily his gaze landed upon Lan Xichen's frozen cup. "Oh, poor Lan-gongzi," he tsked sympathetically. "Let me fetch you a fresh cup." And so he did, ignoring any protests Lan Xichen may have cared to make.

"These blood powers can be truly troublesome," he commented sympathetically as he set the new cup down in front of Lan Xichen and filled it with tea. "And they can be so different, even for Sleepers of the same blood type! You can tell this is a new, unstable world, no matter what the locals might think."

Winter Be Gentle And Kind [Open]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw - mention of SA

no subject

no subject

cw - victim blaming, references to sexual harassment from here on out

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: more victim blaming

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)