deercountry | 15 . JOHNUARY

[ it's the politeness that gets him. asriel wishes john had been a little crueller because then he might've had a defence for that. he's bracing for the barb because there isn't anyone he can think of who would've passed up the opportunity to kick him when he's down. asriel doesn't begrudge them for it — he never set out to make friends, he set out to win a war.

here, this earns john a small measure of respect, and his prize is something asriel wouldn't even consider a secret if he wasn't being held hostage and threatened with real human connection. ]

I also have a daughter.

[ a fact he's shared with as much scholarly detachment as he can muster. he doesn't know what else to say about it, which feels uncomfortably appropriate. ]

But I never called myself a father.

[ it's difficult to know the exact meaning of those words because asriel isn't sure either. a confession? an admission of guilt? the same lie he's used forever to deflect any responsibility? yes. ]

[ That would do it. John can recognize a breakthrough when it's laid in his lap, the hesitation over a touched nerve. He has gone carefully still and thoughtful in the face of Asriel's uncertainty. ]

It's a learning curve. [ He slants a wry, awkward smile, as though he can invite them in to the same pathetic little club. He won't mention that he's a whole world's deadbeat: playing the Father, capitalized. ] I'll let you know when I've learned it.

[ don't murder her best friend, he thinks, but he bites his tongue. ]

Don't get me wrong; I'll not be made to apologise for it. The work was too important.

[ asriel knows he'd do it precisely the same way if he faced the same choices all over again because he can't regret the mission.

still, the fact that he and stelmaria have always remained divided on the topic of lyra proves it bothers him sufficiently without oversight from the local gods, thanks. ]

You try to give them a better world to live in. That should be enough.

[ now it's his turn to take vague stabs at things, although admittedly not because he's trying to spare john's feelings. these are the platitudes asriel has contented himself with for years; it's all he's really got right now. ]

[ (It's good Asriel doesn't put that bit aloud: it would have been tragically funny.) ]

There is that.

[ He sits back with a low breath like settling relief or resignation, his hand still in Asriel's. ]

It's a start, anyway. Pretty sure step two is not being a dick to her friends, and step three is being there to ask how her day went, and then I kind of lose track around the other steps, it probably involves sports.

[ A beat, and: ]

I'm working on step two.

[ asriel looks down at their hands and wonders briefly if he's suffered enough for the curse to be satisfied, realising belatedly that there's another silence and it's his turn to fill it. everything is in past tense, which makes trying to distance himself from it harder than usual in this case. he doesn't linger on why. ]

It could be worse; you could've been replaced by a polar bear.

[ he isn't even bitter about it — perhaps for extremely petty reasons — but those count just fine. in any case, it's a point he's willing to volunteer because it feels less likely to run into another mention of anyone's mother. his bond with stelmaria also feels slightly less strained, so he supposes a few small concessions must count for something. ]

[ John looks at Asriel in briefly open astonishment, uncomprehending, looking for the joke. He doesn't find one. This is somehow vastly funnier. Appreciation of this completely unhinged statement dawns over him in slow motion. ]

I'd accept that, I think. At least it's a polar bear. [ Here is the tone of profound gravity, of deep and abiding satisfaction: ] I've heard they're pretty cool.

[ Get it. ]

[ he's actually mildly entertained watching this happen. having met people from all sorts of places, it's amusing seeing where the line is sometimes. what's a step too weird?

asriel couldn't account for john's jokes, though, as they apparently turn up at inopportune times, like a car crash. he has no idea how to even respond to that at first, so he just shakes his head. ~~he definitely didn't find it a little funny before he realised it or anything.~~ ]

There are easier ways to test if the curse is satisfied, you know.

[ he means in ways that don't make him want to let go again, although, at this point, he's just being facetious. ]

[ Nobody punches the furniture, so he'll call it a win. Some of the tension has bled out of the moment; John is smiling, and Asriel seems about as close to smiling as he'll allow himself to get. It feels like they ought to have cleared some bar. ]

Time for another try?

[ He gives Asriel a beat to brace himself, and then he draws away his hand. ]

[ asriel feels more confident going into this test than the last one, at least. that was something like a breakthrough, wasn't it?

he keeps his hand sitting palm up where it is and is determined to keep it there this time, mildly hopeful the curse is broken but bracing for the disappointment if it isn't. and the horrible discomfort, of course. that's a given.

he'd folded the other times — which is to be expected given his much closer relationship with his own mortality — but now asriel has something to prove. it's not a conscious thought that he has something to prove, but he does. compensating for the regrettable decision to appear weak. and so, unbeknownst to asriel, he's now going to sit here and stubbornly play chicken with God. ]

[ Of course that wasn't enough. It never is unless it really, really hurts.

For a beat, John lets the distance hang and the crush of breathlessness take them both. He's waiting, implicitly, for Asriel to take his hand again; he's waiting for grudging permission to continue whatever they're doing here. But Asriel just sets his jaw, and John thinks, oh. They could die of stubbornness. That tracks.

God breaks first. ]

Well. [ He flexes his hand awkwardly in Asriel's, drawing attention to what he really doesn't need to. ] Solid effort.

[ Time to get literal, he could say, but he suspects Asriel would unbutton his shirt without blinking and they wouldn't be any better off. He honestly respects it. ]

But still insufficient.

[ no point in sugarcoating it; a failure is a failure. he isn't resisting any more than he has the other times they've just been sitting here holding hands, but he leans away from john a bit more unconsciously. asriel knows it will get worse if they intend to keep testing. he's anticipating it.

asriel's stubborn willingness to die was apparently enough to draw stelmaria back from wherever she's been, too, their disagreement set aside in the face of some deeper existential need to be close after something like that. she's breathing as hard as asriel is too, but that will settle. ]

Last chance?

[ he isn't sure what happens after that, but he knows how far he's willing to go. ]

[ John splays his free hand in defeat, still holding Asriel's hand with the other. He is less blase in his movements now; he does nothing to risk the way they're anchored. ]

That was my shot. If you have desperate measures in mind, I'll hear it.

[ asriel considers it. he really considers it. that makes him tense enough to start grinding his teeth, and he shakes his head. ]

Nothing I am desperate enough to try.

[ he dislikes admitting this because it feels like failure. ]

If we bare our souls and suffer for it, it gets what it wants. If we sit here until it tires of the game, it's forced us to play along, so it gets what it wants.

[ he's tallying up every grievance and saving them for later. ]

I'll choose the path of least resistance for now and retest in an hour. There's work to do anyway, is there not?

[ he will endure holding hands longer to maintain some dignity. ]

[ John watches him bristle, and really does wonder at how far he'd go. But this is high-risk; any gamble he makes here will be putting a lot of vulnerability on the line for the very real chance of no payoff. Maybe that's the play, even. It'd be a horribly clever one.

Hold hands and carry on. He'll take it. ]

Works for me. [ He shifts his grip in Asriel's, settling in. ] Let's get back to it.

15 . JOHNUARY

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cw: mention of child death

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