deercountry | Was I really seeking good [Open]

Was I really seeking good [Open]

Who: Varian and you!
What: November catchall!
When: Throughout November.
Where: All around the place!

Content Warnings: Child poisoning in the comments, bloodletting in the first half of the Sleeper Farm prompt

BUILDING AN ABOMINATION TO THE GODS - Driveway of Disaster House, Cassandra- OTA

Varian can't actually remember the last time he built something purely for himself. Both back home, in Deerington and here in Trench, his inventions have always had a greater purpose. Sure, he enjoyed making them, but they were always ultimately to help other people. Building something just for his own enjoyment generally wasn't on his radar. It's only recently that he's felt like he's earned the right to indulge in something for himself.

And so, at the start of the month, Varian can be found on the driveway of the Disaster House- starting to put together the very early beginnings of a frame for a car. He isn't bothered by the lightly falling snow- he doesn't feel the cold anymore and the crisp air is honestly good for clearing his head. He's wearing his serial-killer-esque welding mask and has his little foot-pump-powered 1800s welding kit with him, but that isn't doing so well in the cold weather. After a few frustrating attempts at getting the damn thing to work, he gives up, stepping back to stare at the metal he's trying to get into shape. He looks at his hand, a soft hmmmmmm sound echoing in the mask. He's not comfortable with this, but Mako has been helping him get a more...positive outlook on his abilities.

So, for the first time since he got here, he decides to actually use his abilities for something instead of actively avoiding and being reviled by them. He flexes his fingers, using the techniques Mako has run over with him many a time, willing flame to sprout on them. He has to concentrate a lot, and it's definitely not a tiny, careful flame like the one on his torch (he's not quite THERE yet) but it's enough to start welding the pieces of metal together. Once he's done that he snuffs the flame by closing his fist. He steps back, pushing the mask up so it rests above his goggles (why doesn't he just take the goggles off, why does he have to wear both?) to assess his work, before realising someone is standing nearby, turning to offer a little smile.

"Do you think it looks okay? It's kinda shoddy but I guess I can always go over it later once the snow stops."

IT'S FULL OF OPENINGS, IT'S JUST YOU AIN'T SEEING THEM - All around the city - OTA

For once, fate has smiled down at Varian. His Patron is The Tower and while the buildings are shifting and doorways keep vanishing and reappearing he's still able to find his way around. It's given him confidence that means he might just be ignoring the always buddy up system, because it's fine. It's totally fine. He knows where he's going. So he goes about his daily business as normal - unfettered by the chaos that the vast majority of the population are dealing with. He's a compassionate soul, though, and if he sees someone looking lost, he moves over to them, raising an awkward hand in greeting.

"Uh... hey. You look...lost? Do you want me to help you out? I understand where I'm going for...for some reason. If you stick with me, we can get to where you need to go."

SECRET, SECRET, SECRET SECRET BUNKER - Willful Machine - 28th November OTA with CR prompt

Finding the compass on his workbench had been a happy little surprise. He didn't really need one, but it's pretty nice and after quizzing the people in his house (none of whom took responsibility for the little gift) he probably should have been worried about the device that just appeared in his lab in the dead of night. He isn't, though, because it's cool.

Naturally, he uses it as a normal compass first- but as he's working on his car, he does need to try it on bigger things. He's headed to Willful Machine for more parts, and it using it on a sheet of metal on the ground to measure out exactly what he needs. It's while he's doing this that the circle opens up under him, upending him into a little room. One moment he's there, the next he isn't. Maybe you were there to watch him fall in like an idiot. He looks around at the space- full of everything a person would need to hunker down for a night and makes a soft confused noise before yelling because that seems the best course of action here.

"Um- HI??? Is anyone there?"

And if that doesn't work, he'll get out his Omni and send a message to his friends:

Fell in a hole. I think into a pocket dimension? Help.

MUSHABOOMING

On hearing there were cool new mushrooms to deal with here, naturally, Varian's gone about trying to harvest some. He can make all kinds of cool alchemy with them!! This being Varian, of course, means he's neglected some pretty basic health and safety in his mushroom harvesting. So people can catch him in various pickles throughout the town as he goes about stupidly collecting stuff for his lab.

They may find him hallucinating on Walking Terrors, covered in spores and running around with a panicked expression and screaming about the floor melting. Or maybe you'll find him face-down in the dirt, a Floater sitting happily on top of him. Just...help the idiot out, he'd appreciate it.

THE SLEEPER FARM

Varian starts his No Good Real Bad Time swinging upside down- his blood dripping down into a bowl underneath him. It freezes before it hits the bowl, of course, leaving a blue, frozen blood slushie at the bottom. He's still confused how he got here, but he knows that's not the pressing concern here- not while there are other bodies strung up who have definitely had body parts removed. Varian does a quick, muggy-headed check that nothing seems to be out of place- no organs missing, two arms, one leg. Everything as it should be. They've even left him with his prosthetic, which is nice. But he'd still rather get down from here before this gets worse.

"Uhhhhhh, hi? Anyone still...conscious here?"

Or perhaps you find him afterwards, once he's down and on his feet again. He's still got a sizeable gash on his arm, but at least it's frozen over - thanks for the natural cauterization, coldblood! He'll be helping get other people down or helping them move as best he can. Much like earlier in the month in the town, he feels a strange pull towards the way out, and he'll be trying to bring whoever's with him along that path.

"C'mon, I...I know the way out."

He's not offering a reason for that, oh no. It's while he's leading someone towards the alter that they're suddenly pulled out by a force Varian recognises almost immediately. It's an old, familiar one after all- and once they're upended onto the lawn where Disaster House's Lamp Friend sits, he looks up at the sky, frowning.

"...Cynthia?"

[[ooc: As always if you want something else or a closed thread, please hit me up on

teeff or PM me! Will add event stuff later!]]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

'Brave' is hardly the word he'd call it. Silly, more like. The hat is, in the end, just a hat after all. It shouldn't matter that much, it's just an incredible amount of sentimentality and identity he's gone and tied into it.

... But it's nice to hear, anyways. Varian thinks he's brave, and in response to the kiss he blushes a darker shade of green. "Thanks," he mumbles softly, pulling his boyfriend a little closer.

The talk of braids has his mind wandering towards a specific person in particular, and even though he knows bringing her up isn't going to be the easiest thing, it's something that should still be done. "Cool. Guess it's just a skill you'd pick up from being friends with Rapunzel, huh? Um...." He shifts a little, his smile fading, replaced with concern. "How are you doing about that stuff? Her and Cassandra being here?"

Brave is the word Varian used and he's sticking to it. He lets Fern pull him closer, his fingers twirling in Fern's hair, tangling the tendrils around. As soon as Fern mentions Cassandra and Rapunzel, his own smile drops. He's been avoiding this subject all month, he knew he couldn't avoid it forever- as much as he'd rather do that.

He exhales, slow and shaky, curling up a little on Fern's lap, his arms moving to shift around him so he can rest his head on the other boy's chest. He doesn't reply immediately, he just lets a horrible silence sink between them.

"I don't know," he admits, eventually. "I- things are all fixed back home, and now we're back here again where they're at odds and Cass thinks we're both the enemy and she won't see reason. It's...it's like a healed up wound has been ripped open and I don't know how to help. I told Rapunzel about the future...vaguely, so she knew things were okay but- I just don't know if it can be enough to help them both."

He doesn't know if he's enough. And he hates it. He hates feeling like he's at war with Cass all over again- the way she looks at him like he's some dangerous enemy not to be trusted. He hates seeing how hurt Rapunzel is by the betrayal, all over again. His family is hurting and he can't do a damn thing about it.

This isn't going to be an easy conversation, and Fern is prepared for that (as much as he can be). That's confirmed when he sees Varian's smile fade, and he moves to curl up against him. Fern doesn't say anything, just wraps his arms around him more securely and holds him quietly. He'll do this for as long as the other boy needs, patiently giving him time to gather his thoughts.

Idly, he reaches up to stroke his fingers through Varian's hair when he speaks up. The whole situation is so complicated for all three of them, it isn't fair. None of them deserve any of this; it's the kind of stupid reality-bending torture he'd expect out of Deerington. Like Varian, he has no idea what can be done to fix any of it.

"Everything's a mess. I'm sorry, V, it's awful that you - you and the two of them - have to go through this," he says softly. "There's - there's gotta be something that'll help Cassandra. She's been yanked away from all that bad junk in Corona, so... maybe being here'll help her see things in a new light."

He brushes Varian's bangs out of the way, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I know it did for me."

The comfort Fern has to offer means a lot. It makes him feel secure - a safe harbour against a tide that's threatening to pull him under at any moment. He closes his eyes, turning his head slightly to bury his face into Fern's chest- breathing in, slow and deep, finding comfort and stability in the smell of grass there. The fingers in his hair are soothing, they calm down his heart rate, keep the growing panic at bay.

"I'm just... I'm so scared, Fern," he admits, quietly, like even saying it out loud will give it more power against him. "I'm scared this place will make things worse because it's so good at that. It's so good at...at rooting out all the most painful parts of your life and just...exposing them to everyone."

He doesn't know if that will save Cass and Rapunzel or break them. None of them knows what's down the road and he doesn't want his family to be hurt more than they already are. The kiss is nice and he exhales slowly again, trying to find calm.

"But...but you're right. It helped you. And...and I don't think Zhan Tiri is a problem here. That's...that's already a big step in the right direction."

Holding Varian while his body language absolutely screams despair makes Fern's heart ache. He hates this, he hates all of this so much. This is yet another situation that he can't just solve by stabbing something - even worse, there's pretty much nothing he can actually do to help. Confronting Rapunzel or Cassandra or trying to talk to them would likely only make things worse; this is something that the two - three, with Varian - of them need to work through together.

The most he can do is be here for Varian, try to support him, try to make sure that he doesn't totally destroy himself with self-loathing. Emotional support is not an easy thing to accomplish, and Fern feels like he's already floundering.

"Right. Things aren't completely hopeless, right now." The only saving grace right now is that Zhan Tiri apparently isn't here. They'd all be doomed if she was. If she were to show up in the future... well, he's just going to have to keep an eye out, and get his sword ready. But he puts that thought aside, focusing on Varian.

"I'm so, so sorry, V. It isn't fair that you have to be scared instead of getting to be happy to see them again." He keeps on threading his fingers through his boyfriend's hair softly, frowning. "I don't... I don't think there's anything you can do to stop the city, but you can still be there for them when any bad stuff happens."

Varian can't see any solution to this. Only time, perhaps. Without Zhan Tiri's influence, maybe Cassandra can find her way to the light? His and Rapunzel's attempts back home kept failing and failing right up until Cassandra was at breaking point- when the demon took everything from her and left her broken and alone. He doesn't want it to get to that point, he wants Cass to find herself again without having to suffer for it.

"I know, the city will just...do whatever it wants, all the time," he hugs onto Fern a little tighter. "And I will, I'll do everything I can but -"

But he failed them both so many times. Everything he does feels like a failure right now. He's failed Fern, he's failed Usagi. Eddie's gone. Things are slowly piling up on him and he can feel things beginning to fracture in his head. He's scared to voice it, though, not while Fern was part of the self-loathing. Because that would only hurt Fern.

"...I just don't know if- if I'm enough to help them. I never was back home, why would it be any different here?"

This is quite possibly the first time Fern has felt like such a huge, huge failure, and oh boy, has he felt like a failure before. He doesn't need magical empathy powers to know what Varian is feeling - he knows the other boy well enough to understand just how tightly he's getting twisted up in his self-loathing.

And Fern isn't sure how to fix this. Varian's concern over not being enough is realistic; he can't very well tell him that he is enough and that everything will work out as long as he tries his best, because that isn't how Trench works. It's like Deerington in that case, you can try your hardest and still be a miserable failure.

"You can only do so much, V." He's faltering here, trying to think of something - anything - that'll fix this. Anything that'll make Varian feel better, without getting his hopes up or lying to him. Glob, he is not good at this, and when Varian clings a bit tighter he has to fight to keep stress thorns from sprouting up on his body. "If - if things don't get fixed, it won't be because you aren't enough. It'll be because this place is too much, even without Zhan Tiri here."

You can only do so much.

He knows this is true, it's true for everything in his entire life. Varian strives for, not perfection something close to it, and more often than not he falls short of the mark. He just marks that against himself, though, instead of properly accepting that he puts impossible expectations on himself. Allowing himself to fail is still something he struggles with.

"What if I make things worse?" his voice wavers- he's been keeping a lot inside and now it's threatening to spill over. "I... I don't just mean the home stuff. I... I'm not the same person I was back home. I've gone through so much and I'm scared to tell them in case it hurts them more. How...how am I supposed to tell Rapunzel I've died? She...she'd blame herself even if she had no power over that. How am I supposed to tell any of them even half the stuff I've survived in the dream without...without making them worry about me or...or dread what'll happen to them? I- I feel like I'm lying to them every time I skip over my life here but I'm scared what it'll do to them if they knew."

As awful as it is, making things worse seems like a very real possibility, in Fern's opinion. Cassandra and Rapunzel are straight from Corona, the kingdom of sunshine. They haven't had the experience that is Deerington to change them like Varian has. He's right - there's no doubt in his mind that hearing what he's been through would hurt them so, so much. Combine that with what Cassandra is going through, and this mess has the potential to become explosive.

"I don't think you got any other options," Fern replies, sounding a little distraught himself. He isn't a fan of lying to family, but if the alternative was potentially hurting Cassandra and Rapunzel, he isn't sure what else the other boy can do. "I think you have to keep on holding off from telling them everything. They need to get used to the city first, and you and Rapunzel need to keep trying to get through to Cass. It - it might hurt them less if you tell them after everything has settled down...."

It's something Varian's been afraid of since long before Rapunzel and Cass showed up here. This place has broken him many times over, pushed him over more edges than he cares to count. He never wanted this place to do that to the people he loves back home. They've been through plenty themselves, of course- and it's that trauma he's scared of this world dragging out into the open. Deerington (and by extension, Trench) has a habit of tearing open old wounds and pouring salt into them. Cass and Rapunzel have so much that can keep hurting them over and over again, things that might stop them from healing. From fixing what's broken.

"Yeah...yeah, you're right," guilt churns at his stomach all the same- he blinks away tears threatening to escape his eyes, sniffing. "I just... I'm glad they're here, I am. I missed them so much. But I'm so scared about what's going to happen to them. I'm scared of them finding out what's happened to me. I just..."

He hugs Fern a little closer- like he's an anchor.

"I don't want this place to break them."

Oh. Oh, no. Fern hears that sniffling and immediately tightens his grip on the other boy. There's nothing he can do - that's eating away at him, leaving him all empty and raw as he hears Varian tear up. This is the absolute last thing he wants, but all Varian is doing is facing the reality of Trench. Facing it and breaking down has to be better than living in denial and letting things build up and get worse and worse.

At least, he's desperately hoping this is the case, because it's the only thing staving off the horrendous guilt that's threatening to overwhelm him. He buries his face against Varian's hair, making a noise like a sigh.

"I know, I know," he says softly. "They shouldn't have to go through half the stuff you've gone through. You shouldn't have had to go through half the stuff you've gone through."

Because all of this concern for Cassandra and Rapunzel is really making it sink in just how much Varian has been through. It's kind of a wonder he hasn't broken down earlier.

Varian feels Fern's grip tighten and tries to take comfort from it. He's been pushing everything down for such a long time and finally, the dam has begun to show cracks in it. He's scared to let it go completely at this point. If the dam breaks completely...well, he doesn't know what will happen to him. He lets out a shuddery breath as Fern presses his face into his hair and when he speaks, his voice is wavering.

"But I did. And...and I know that sort of stuff will happen to them too," it's not a case of if, not even slightly. "And...I don't know how I can make that better for them. I don't even know where to start to-"

A little sob bubbles out of him. It wasn't easy dealing with what he's been through- but dealing with his own trauma and having to watch it happen to Cass, to Rapunzel? He can't bear thinking about it.

"I don't know what to do."

At this point it almost feels like he should be encouraging Varian to break down. Part of him is terrified that'll make things even worse, but he isn't sure what else to do and maybe one big emotional outlet will at least help him feel better for a little while. He isn't sure, dealing with trauma in a healthy way is so, so far beyond his abilities.

"I wish I had an answer for you." He hears that sob, and he decides to let Varian just keep going. If the clinging isn't helping to calm him down, then maybe the crying will. He's desperate enough to try - or rather, not try and come up with some fake platitude in an attempt to stave off the crying. "I just... I don't know, either."

He wants to cry. He wants the floodgates to open and to just let rip with all the raw emotion churning in his chest. In the back of his mind, he knows it's probably the right thing to do. But he doesn't do that. He pushes it all back down as far as it can go. He's too scared that he won't be able to pull himself back together after letting it all out. So down it goes. Until it's like a rock settled in the pit of his stomach.

Very suddenly, very abruptly, he stills. He sucks in a deep breath, then pulls himself into a better sitting position- still in Fern's lap, but not clinging anymore. He rubs at his eyes with the heel of a free hand, pushing the tears away.

"I guess there's nothing I can do," his tone is ...off, unhealthy. "Just. Deal with it as it comes."

Varian's sudden shift causes a flood of worry within Fern. It's like a switch is being flipped off, like he's just - forcing himself to be okay instead of dealing with any of this. Sort of like he's shoving everything in one big mental vault in order to keep on going -

There's a very big lump in his throat. He wants to give Varian the benefit of the doubt here, there's no way he'd go that far. Maybe he just needs a little bit more time to process everything. He's meticulous like that, with his alchemy and his science, so maybe the same applies here.

"Um," he starts, mind darting around to find the right thing to say. "Yeah."

Maybe... maybe he just needs some distance from all of this for a little while. A distraction?

"Hey, you know what might cheer you up? There's a bunch of old, iced up boats floating in at the beach. I saw some people going on board to explore 'em, maybe we could do that too? They're pretty much a dungeon crawl waiting to happen." There's a forced cheerfulness in his voice as he unwraps his arms, and nudges Varian lightly. "They look real cold, but your fire powers could keep both of us from freezing."

If... Varian can even freeze these days. Who knows.

Varian keeps pushing everything deeper and deeper down. He knows, in the back of his head, that this isn't the wise thing to do. That he's likely setting himself for something worse down the road. That he's going to actively make things worse. But there's just so much right now. Maybe he can just... push it away and let it out bit by bit once things calm down a little more. Like letting pressure out of a container, nice and slow.

The boats aren't something he's missed. He's gone out there already, trying to help people trapped in the ice. He feels Fern unwrap his arms and grimaces a little at the question. He can see what his boyfriend is trying to do, but...

"You mean to keep you from freezing by setting you on fire?" he says, bitterly. "What if I do that again? And...and burn you on the ice? I can't... I can't control it enough to not do that."

He moves, sliding off Fern's lap, folding his arms around himself, staring a hole in the ground. He can see tendrils of amber creeping out from under the bed, he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to block it out.

"I'm sorry, Fern. I just... I can't. I'm not good enough at it. "

The boats offer a glimmer of hope, something like their date back in Deerington with the worms. They can go and have fun and bring back some stuff for the house, and everything will be fine!

Except not, because Varian is just shutting the idea down entirely. Fern stares, any potential excitement in his eyes fading, and getting snuffed out completely when the other boy moves off of his lap. This is a rejection so full of insecurity and self-loathing that Fern is just dumbfounded for several moments.

But he snaps out of it, scooting closer to take hold of one of Varian's hands with both of his. "You can try! C'mon, I trust you. You aren't gonna know for sure if you don't try."

Varian can tell this is disappointing his boyfriend. That he's letting Fern down, and it only adds to the storm of emotions swirling around inside him. He can feel something splintering deep inside his mind and it's completely and utterly terrifying. He doesn't know how to handle any of this, fix it, all he knows is that he's only going to make things worse.

He lets Fern take his hands, but his eyes aren't on the other boy. They're on the amber he knows isn't really there- watching it creep and twist around the bedframe like a vine. He sucks in a shuddery breath, trying to keep the growing panic down.

"And what happens if I fail? This- Fern, this isn't something I can fix if it goes wrong. It's...it's not like an experiment I can keep doing over and over again. If- if I fail here, you get burned. And you might die."

He hears a scraping sound, like stone against metal and he sees a red rock pushing its way through the floor of the room. Sharp and awful and inducing all the hallucinations he was having. Or maybe it was part of them. He doesn't know anymore. He stares at it his hands gripping Fern's tighter, the air warming around them a fraction.

"I can't-" he finally rips his eyes from the rock to look at Fern, his expression scared and desperate. "Fern, I can't be the reason you die again. Please...please don't ask me to. Please, I can't."

He squeezes his eyes shut again, trying to find calm and finding it increasingly difficult.

"I don't know what I'd do if you died again. "

Oh no. When Fern suggested the boats he was hoping for it to be a fun idea for the two of them, something that isn't complicated. Something simple and straightforward, and as he listens to Varian, watches him stare into the distance even though they're still in that little hideout, he finds that it's the total opposite. He instantly regrets ever bringing it up.

Varian is putting way too much importance on a potential dungeon crawl, though at the same time, it isn't really about that. Even someone as unobservant as Fern can tell that. It's about that fire, something that's now intrinsic to the other boy, something that's part of his body that he hates, and how it's already been used to hurt someone he cares about. It's about his insecurities and self-loathing, not exploring a ship.

Fern has to resist the urge to let go and hold his hands up in surrender. He's pretty sure Varian needs that bit of an anchor right now, so instead he just squeezes his hands, trying to be reassuring. "Okay, okay, don't worry. It's okay, V."

He's internally kicking himself for suggesting something so stupid. What a terrible idea, he should've known better than to bring that stupid fire up right now. "It's not a big deal! We don't have to go out to the boats. We don't have to go out anywhere, we can stay in here."

Varian hasn't taken it as a simple, nice thing to do together at all. Such things are beyond his reach currently. All he can think of is how desperately terrified he is of hurting Fern again. How the simple task of just...figuring out how to keep him warm without setting him alight seems so very impossible.

He hates all of this. He hates the powers that have been foisted on him that, months later he still can't control properly. He hates feeling like he's letting down Fern by not being able to just do something as simple as keep him warm out on the ice. He doesn't even have the bodyheat to do that anymore. He hates how this is feeding into all his self-loathing, his feelings of inadequacy.

He hates that this is drowning him and he doesn't know how to come up for air.

Worse still, he knows Fern well enough to know he'll be beating himself up for this. So he squeezes his hands back, trying to calm down, trying to ease this so Fern doesn't feel like he's misstepped. He sucks in a breath, willing the room to cool down, willing his powers to stop before Fern gets hurt.

"Sorry, sorry I'm... sorry."

He wants to tell Fern that something is worryingly wrong with him. That he's scared and he doesn't know how to stop it or even slow it down. But if he does that what if Fern blames himself? He knows if their situations were reversed, he'd be much the same. He doesn't want that burden on his boyfriend. He's carrying too much as it is. He takes a few more deep breaths.

"I'm...fine. Sorry for freaking out. I'm just tired."

It's too late to avoid any blundery feelings. Fern being Fern, is already sinking into the all-too-familiar feeling of having screwed something simple up. The only difference right now is that he knows he can't just wallow in it and feel bad for himself like he would've done back in Ooo - nope, he needs to just - ignore that part of the process, because Varian needs him right now, and his boyfriend's wellbeing is far more important than his own insecurities.

He hates all of this too, but he tries not to let it show on his face as he reaches one hand up to gently smooth over Varian's cheek. He isn't sure if a full on hug would help, the last one didn't seem to, so maybe something a little subtler? He isn't sure. He hates it when Varian starts apologizing.

"Then it's an even better idea to stick around this weird hideout." It's intensely cozy, so if there's one place in Trench that's good for resting, it looks like this is it. "We'll do our original plan, chill here and see how long it take for this place to kick us out. Okay?"

Varian would be equal parts glad that Fern isn't allowing himself to wallow and horrified that he's blaming himself at all. That his own actions would be causing some sort of negative feedback loop between the pair. But everything, every tiny thing feels like it's going to swallow him whole and he wishes he could stop it. He doesn't want Fern to hurt. And here he is, actively hurting him.

The hand to his cheek does help- it's an anchor to stop him from spiralling. He leans into it, closing his eyes, trying his best to even out his breathing. It's shuddering on every inhale and exhale. One hand moves up to close around Fern's wrist, gaining a little extra support before he opens them again.

"Okay," his tone is quiet, withdrawn. "That...I'd like that. I just- I just need some time. Just to...figure out how to handle this."

This being a whole host of...everything going on in his head. Biting and howling and all demanding his attention at the same time. He turns his face in Fern's hand to kiss his palm. Because despite everything, he desperately needed his boyfriend.

"You help. I...I promise you help. I love you so much. I don't know where I'd be without you."

Vaarian leaning into his touch offers a sliver of reassurance. It means he isn't pulling away and curling into himself, and after how this afternoon has gone he's so, so grateful for it. His entire body relaxes, even his grass settles down, and he gives him a small nod in response. Time, okay, they might not have a ton of time given how much worse Varian has been getting, but... okay. He can handle some time.

At the kiss and the compliments he crumbles, not being able to help himself. Scooting over, he tugs Varian into another hug. It might be too much for the other boy but he hopes it isn't, because he needs this more than he realized.

"I love you, too," he says, giving Varian a reassuring squeeze. "I'm gonna do everything I can to help you get through this, okay? You're not gonna deal with it on your own."

This time, this time, Varian doesn't pull away from the hug. He slouches into it at first, before his arms slowly move around Fern to cuddle up to him. He shifts his face to bury it in the crook of Fern's neck- breathing in the solid scent of grass. Safe, he's safe with Fern.

"Thank you," it's mumbled softly against Fern's neck. "I know...I know I can rely on you. I do."

If nothing else in this world, he knows this. He gives his boyfriend a gentle squeeze, taking comfort in the familiar feel hugging him brings. It's a feeling utterly unique to Fern, and it means everything to him.

"Can we just...stay here a little while? Just...cuddling? Then maybe we can check out the food over there."

This is probably the first time since coming into the hideout that Fern has actually felt things were halfway normal. Varian clinging like this, his face buried against his neck, it's comfortable and familiar and he moves his arms around the other boy more securely.

"You can. No matter what." He's never, ever going to let Varian doubt that for a second.

"Sure, V. Actually...." He grins a little, tugging his boyfriend over so they flop right onto the bed, lying there instead of sitting. "This is way more comfy."

Edited 2021-12-18 16:09 (UTC)

Was I really seeking good [Open]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)