deercountry | February Catchall; Open and Closed

.. I'm sorry.

[ Chizuru's voice is soft, but the sentiment behind her words seems to be very genuine. She may not know Kainé well, but the other has been kind to her, and.. really, Chizuru hates the thought of any people being caught up in something bad.

Let alone something bad on that sort of scale. How would anyone even survive in a place like that..?

It's why the sympathy is basically written all over the girl's face. ]

It must have been hard to deal with. Um.. I mean, certain kinds of flowers or trees disappearing must have been the least of your worries with all those other things going on, I'm sure.

...I was surrounded by a dying world. After a while, you just accept it.

[ She sucks a breath in through her teeth, sharp. Trench's future is by no means assured. If she were to be realistic, it's more likely some disaster will destroy her new home than for it to overcome the difficulties that beset it. But life is better for her personally here. She knows it's hypocritical in a way to act like she's living it up. All she can do is fight for this new home. ]

But it didn't make what I lost hurt any less. Sometimes I would stop and... look at how the world was changing. [ She shakes her head. ]

[ The girl is quiet for a moment. It feels.. a little awkward to bring up her own circumstances, after all. Not that Chizuru is necessarily a secretive person, but she doesn't want to come across like she's making this all about her.

It's not like she'd ever want to be in the spotlight in the first place.

On the other hand - maybe it'll help Kainé to know. That she's not alone, that it's not a strange sentiment. ]

My world.. wasn't dying. [ It wasn't that bad, thankfully.

Her hands nervously fret a little in her lap. ]

But things were-- changing, just like you say. It felt like the entire world was changing around me, and that the people I cared about were having a hard time dealing with it. And I didn't know what to do to help, or to change it. [ One person can't do a thing to change the entire world back, after all. ] So I.. um, I suppose I kind of understand what you mean.

[ Kainé does not think Chizuru weak just for living in a somewhat less cruel world than her own. She's come to know people who lived in far kinder circumstances than either of them who had their own problems that she could not hope to comprehend, nor did she envy. But she knows too that this relative equanimity only comes from the fact that she was delivered from the doom she had previously been consigned to. ]

Do you think you’re helping now?

You mean here?

[ .. apparently Chizuru needs a second to think about that. It's a bit of a hard question to answer, but she does want to be honest here..

And not even just because there's a penalty for being dishonest. ]

I'm.. not sure. [ She'd like to give a bit of a cheerier answer, but this is the more honest one. She attempts to smile a little, hoping it lightens the depressing edge to her answer. ] I'm trying to do my best, but I don't think it's enough at all..

[ And it sure doesn't help that there's tough stuff going on all the time here too, making it just as hard to figure out what she can do to help. ]

[ She gives her that time. Kainé knows that doubt well. She feels it all the time. ]

It's the same here. You can't change everything. But I'm sure you've made shit better for some people, right?

[ She thinks of all the people left bloody and broken in the wake of the Leviathan a year ago. She thinks of the farm where she saw her love strung up and dismembered. There's always, always pain here. Nothing can hold back the tide. Not Chizuru, not anybody. ]

It's never enough. Just do what you can.

[ Her hands fret nervously on her lap, just the tiniest bit. ]

I'm not so sure either if I have.. [ It's just not like Chizuru to claim something like that, even if it may be an objective fact that she's helped people.

But it feels too pompous to assume that truly made anything better. And Chizuru doesn't want to be pompous. ]

I mean, I've-- um, I've tried. [ She at least adds that, wanting to leave Kainé with an answer that feels a little more helpful than what Chizuru said at first, even if it was the truth. ] But how do you know for sure whether you've made something better for someone..?

[ Day after day, she hunts. She kills the polluted beasts that threaten her home. Day after day, that home is ravaged anyway. Some nights, she sings. But she does not know if she ever personally averted anybody from the path of corruption with that mercy. ]

Don’t know. I really don't. It's damn hard to say for sure.

[ She fought for people and watched them die anyway. ]

If the people around you are glad you're around, I'd say you're doing something for them, yeah? [ It took Kainé a long, long time to realize that. ]

Edited 2023-03-24 21:16 (UTC)

[ It's not a bad answer.

Especially since - when Chizuru thinks about it - she kind of feels like there's at least some people here who are glad she's around. People who seem to treat her kindly, regardless of circumstances. Who smile at her, and thank her.

But it also feels like so much to assume they're glad she's around when Chizuru has so little sense of self worth.

She shifts a little in her seat. ]

Um.. I'm sorry if any of these questions are really dumb. [ She apologizes (pre-apologizes), like it's half a disclaimer. ] But do you think the people around you are glad you're around? How can you tell? Do they just say it to you..?

[ She gives a lopsided little smile. She's getting there. They both are. More similar than they'd thought, maybe. For Kainé it had never been about making herself small or not imposing though. It had been a lack of trust, built on years of pain.

But they want the same thing. ]

Some people do. They should probably say it more often. Sometimes they say it by doing shit for you.

Like what sort of things..?

[ It seems like Kainé is relatively okay with this line of questioning, so Chizuru is okay in turn with proceeding with it a little bit - though she's still being a little careful and polite.

It's just in her nature.

At least she bothers to clarify as she slowly speaks on. ]

For example-- Um, I have some friends here who do things for me sometimes.. But I wouldn't want to misunderstand them by thinking their actions mean that, when it could just be them being nice to other people in general, you know..? I don't-- I wouldn't want to assume I'm special somehow.

[ That's really hard to answer. What ways do people show her these things? She's so divorced from what could be called normal. ]

Asking how you are. Making food for you. Kicking a fuss if you're hurt or you're gone long. Remembering what you like and what you hate. That kind of shit.

[ Like Grandma would. Like her friends would. Like Anna would. ]

Be greedy for it. Nobody will do it for you.

[ The first half of what Kainé says is pretty easy to take in, at least.

But then comes the second part, and Chizuru looks like the other just told her to start flying on the spot - something that's on the same level of impossible in Chizuru's mind as the thing Kainé is actually telling her to do. ]

What? But..

[ She starts her protest, but then it trails off. It's not like she wants to be rude in the face of Kainé helping her so much - something that feels like a sign of care, especially in the row of things the other is listing here. ]

Is it really alright to be greedy though? I mean, I-- It's not like I did anything to deserve being allowed to be greedy.

[ And yet she doesn't seem to be judging Kainé for thinking being greedy is a good thing. Different measures for people who aren't Chizuru herself, okay. ]

February Catchall; Open and Closed

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