★ (OPEN); they're carvin' my name in the grave again.

[opheliac]

Who: jinx & YOU
When: 03/18.
Where: sanguine station , farther shores, crenshaw (POST MOB'S EXPLOSION), & the forest
What: jinx is running away from her problems, thinks she can actually leave them behind, and go live in the other city for all eternity.
Warnings: jinx suffers from mental illness. such as the following - schizophrenia, hallucinations, PTSD, & separation anxiety. these may or may not happen in this log. BIO, PERMS, & OP-OUT: Here

❝ Lately I've been talking with a ghost. ❞

❝ Two Face (Omido Remix). ❞

I. SANGUINE STATION | II. FARTHER SHORES | III. CRENSHAW | IV. FOREST (& LOST) | V. WILDCARD

He tells me all the places I should go
He makes me paint my face so that I know
That I'm not the only the person in my soul
He tells me that a monster lives inside
And when It gets too angry I should hide
Cause if I were to try and pick a fight
I would barely stand a chance and I'd die

Two face call me Harvey
Never know when it could change
Tried to talk to my reflection but he said he wants my name

Wake up the beast
Bury the bones
Enjoy the feast
Take all control
When I give you my soul

Devils on my shoulder
Got an aching down my spine
Feel like chains are getting heavy
But I don't know which are mine?
Can you save me?
Am I lost?
Is it Time to take me
From all of these thoughts

Two face call me Harvey
Never know when it could change
Tried to talk to my reflection but he said he wants my name

Wake up the beast
Bury the bones
Enjoy the feast
Take all control
When I give you my soul

code credit to: thisismanx

Comments

[opheliac]

( these are really strong questions, but she is downright clueless on what the answers might be. it's like reaper just threw a bunch of scientific formulas for a test she wasn't prepared for, and she's staring at them -- cross-eyed. jinx doesn't know where to even begin or start with any of these equations which makes her immediately frustrated. and it's being shown on her face the irritation of it, the urge to just get up from the "desk" and storm out of the "classroom" is horrendously great.

the teen huffs out in exasperation then throws up a hand (mostly at the "discovering yourself" part: )

But I've done this already...! ( jinx holds up both her hands; palm up. — doing hand gestures of lowering and rising by each hand when both names get mentioned. )

There was "Powder" and then "Jinx" got created. Both of these people could not coexist so one of 'em had to go. I've tried to give my sis "Powder" 'cuz she wanted her so bad, but she couldn't do the ONE thing I asked in order to bring her back.

— My Pops wanted me to stay as "Jinx", but he's been lyin' to me about a lotta crap that I'm still trying to work my head around. But I can't get that squashed in the dirt without him being here.

( she isn't going to mention what led up to her choosing jinx, but -- she drops down one hand and keeps the "jinx" hand hovering. )

But I picked Jinx. This is the new me. So I took my first step as Jinx and went down a road.

( now she drops that hand. )

Then I got to this dump and all of this — ( a mocking tone just to say: ) "Second chances".

And I thought," Hey! Easy peasy. I don't gotta do this part. 'Cuz I did it back home. I'll just build a house, my workshop, and just live without the complicated stuff."

( with all of this huffing and puffing, her tone finally softens and hit a heartbroken note. )

... Then I met a girl. And all I can think about is wanting to protect her, help her gain confidence and how to love herself 'cuz I know what it's like to... not have either of those. I wanna do every lil' shit that I can to make her smile and thought I was doing right with her. She taught me how to be more patient. When I get upset, I don't just wave my guns around like I use to. I don't use my weapons as my "go-to" thing with whatever situation that gets shot at me.

I'm tryin' to use my words more and I guess... I'm seein' now that is... still a problem of mine.

( jinx is probably going way off track here, but this is the first time she can actually talk about everything with a clearer head. before she was too broken up and talking through gasps and sobs to elaborate anything. )

I still like the fast pace, but now that I've seen the slow stuff? It's not so bad either sometimes. Gives me time to stop, smell the flowers, and admire stuff. That's what I was learnin' from her. And I thought I could show her how to believe in herself and that sometimes what seems scary by the eye... isn't always what it seems.

( a beat. )

— That her seeing me... despite that I'm a monster that I'm not...

( she just sighs. she's been talking a lot anyway. jinx throws herself back into the rubble to soak into the destruction again -- it's one way to ease her mind up. )

And now? I'm back on a road I just left on.

[no_reload]

[Well, well, well, if she was just going to freely give up so much information about herself and all he had to do was ponder the nuance of it all, who was he to stop her just letting loose. He figured the setting helped, since she did seem to be rather comfortable with all the carnage around here.

She also made it seem like her previous support networks had failed her or at least weren't in a place to be actually helpful. After all, he considered himself a relative stranger to her and had never ever been one to info-dump about personal details if he could help it.

So he let her sort some things out by talking about it out loud. He hadn't heard of Powder before, but he could guess it was some kind of previous iteration. Now it was Jinx, but he wasn't quite yet certain the connection. It seemed like an identity crisis, probably stemmed from some kind of trauma. He'd seen that now and again in war-torn cities they went into.

More importantly, there were questions to ask, since she seemed to like them so much to start with.]

So. Your girl. Is she gone or just separated from you? And I hardly consider you a monster. You come across to me as battered with plenty of emotional scars.

[He issued a low chuckle.]

Does the road feel nice and familiar to you, or are you looking for another deviation?

cw: twisted things

[opheliac]

I dunno. ( a beat. ) — I dunno what she thinks of me right now or... if she'll come back to me. And I dunno what I'm suppose to do anymore.

( with her gaze up at the skies, jinx throws another arm up in annoyance. )

I'm use to doin' my own thing, but with my Pops kinda givin' me the meat of what I gotta do, y'know? The main mission is this target, and I'm allowed to be as creative as I want as long as I accomplish the mission.

( a slow deep breath with her hands comfortably resting on her midriff. )

The road I was on... it was kinda nice. Like I said, I had my own home that I built, a workshop and gettin' decent amount of customers, makin' friends who weren't my weapons, my sis and I were getting along better, had a cute girl at my hip. I even started helping strangers out here and there. Things were really lookin' good for me.

( she frowns further; thinking back. )

— Then she found me talkin' about how... hurting people and chaos made me feel. How I enjoy hearin' people beg for their life when I get 'em cornered. Or... sometimes the way they wear fear is beautiful to me.

Then she asked me about it and got really upset by it. And I got... frustrated 'cuz I've been telling her from the moment we met who I was. I made a joke if my husband or wife cheated on me, I'll give 'em the death penalty and I'll be sure to make it painfully slow so I could enjoy it. I said that to her face.

The day we both agreed to date, I said that I've done things that I'm not proud of and things that I am. She saw me shot a guy and she knows I make weapons...!

( jinx brings a hand to comb her fingers through her bangs. )

I'm not mad or annoyed at her, but... I dunno how else I could've made it clearer. And I just thought... I thought despite this side of me, she was still accepting me or lookin' pass that. 'Cuz why else did she stuck it out this long?

( then she gives out very weak shrug. )

Sure, killing people or wrecking havoc amps me up aaaaand maybe that's fuckin' weird. But I'm not doin' those things now. ( a pause. ) Okay, I'm not killing people now. ... I only do it to the people who really deserve it anyway. Doin' it just to do it is flat out boring.

[no_reload]

If she can't accept you for who you are with all the dangers and warts that come with it, then she wasn't the one that you were meant to be with. You can't date someone with the expectation that they are going to change for you.

[Now that was purely based on life experience for him. He had had his fair share of flings and dated people here and there, but it was only with Maul that he had discovered the freedom to be completely accepting of himself. Neither one of them expected change unless the other wanted to make it themselves, but he also understood that was such a rare thing to find.

And it seemed to him that Jinx was experiencing that with a new relationship. He laced his fingers together in front of him and watched her settle into the rubble a little more, considering her story and now curious enough to make note of trying to hunt down whoever this 'girl' was to investigate. What else did he have to do with his time at this point?]

Perhaps you were the new dangerous shiny that she had found and was attracted to. Perhaps she underestimated how going down the rabbit hole of someone's demons would make her feel. Perhaps she's playing hard to get or reassessing how much she wants to go on this road with you. Perhaps you're just a lot to handle, and she doesn't have the emotional, physical and spiritual fortitude to not be crushed under the weight of you.

[He shrugged his shoulders. The possibilities where endless and complex, but one thing was for certain was that Jinx was a complicated and volatile personality. He could appreciate. She was exactly the type of person he would recruit to Blackwatch honestly and with time, training and clear boundaries, he had no doubt that she could be a force to reckon with. Okay, maybe not all sensitive missions, but she was used to being on them. It was just finding the right ones for her skill set.]

It's not weird. [He spoke that softer than usual.] Some of us are just cut from a different cloth and the chaos is where we thrive best. It makes all the noise in our heads go quiet so we can focus fully on the task at hand. [His voice had returned to normal tone and roughness by that point.] Does the girl and your sister make the noise better or worst? Or just different?

[opheliac]

( and that is something jinx is afraid of. sure, she knew deep down and told chizuru herself she may not be the one. just thought of marriage makes her want to bust a gut, honestly. but... jinx had hoped maybe the two of them could last together at least for a little while longer. beyond this hiccup, they seemed to be getting along great in her perspective. being around chizuru gave her some tranquility -- the same her sister provides.

chizuru is that shining glow in her colorless world. even in a new city like trench, the beauty of it flicker on and off for her like a worn out flashlight. and sometimes, they go out completely and the girl is left to sit in the dark alone. chizuru is that nightlight; a soft and gentle shine she had never encountered before. she is that flower that somehow managed to grow throughout the decay and debris. )

( and jinx had grown protective of this flower and became obsessive. although that isn't much of a shock, really. the teen gets infatuated over many things, whether it's objects or people. and the prodigy knew from the very start the other was trouble. the moment chizuru flashed those puppy dog eyes with a meek voice attached, she was doomed to be hooked. she weakened her and the dead mocked her endlessly for it. in fact if she listens closely now, the hush giggles are still going. they tease at how much she is allowing chizuru to have this much access and power to her.

the question he asks almost sneaks by her. her mind is filled with so many "what if" scenarios that she hopes she won't ever need to encounter. the girl's attention is back on reaper -- in the "now" reality than her hurricane-like thoughts. )

They... ( a brief pause to get her words in order. ) They make the noise better. With them, everything feels... warm. A-And bright.

[no_reload]

[Reaper watched her internalize, and it didn't bother him in the least. He had always suspected that there was a lot going on under the surface with Jinx, and her quietness allowed him to observe. He was excellent at people watching, a skill developed over years of opportunity to perform recon and pull information from the silence and the noise equally.

That he drew her out of her thoughts with a question wasn't altogether interesting. Eventually something would make it through, but that particular question was a bit more interesting. It was something worth investing thought into, and that meant that the people that the questioned revolved around meant a lot to Jinx.

So really, if he wanted to see what she could actually do, he knew where he had to go to turn her rabid. Not that he would, but it was information that he filed away all the same.]

Good. Keep your sister close then. And my advice for the girl is to give her time; if she cares enough, she'll reach out when she's ready.

[opheliac]

... Right.

( why does she has a sinking feeling chizuru won't reach out? or she is just gone for good and she should just... move on already? for all she knows, the other probably found a better suitor by now since she did show her the ropes on how modern dating roughly goes.

despite most of everyone's dating profile was a spoof, hers did state there was competition and many had their eye on her. maybe the pain would be easier to deal with if she just throws in the towel, admit defeat, and crawl in a hole. )

[no_reload]

Don't make me commission Maul to play matchmaker to you. He loves to meddle in the lives of others enough as it is without me giving him prompting.

[Reaper was less likely to smash people together, but he had definitely done it before. He mostly just gave relationship advice, which was never a place he thought that his life would actually go. Here he was though.]

Give it time. Don't get too desperate as much as you might want to. I've seen that go poorly.

[opheliac]

Do that and I'll make sure to tie you to a beast. It'll be the best ride of your life.

( she scoffs to him with a frown; now appearing a bit offended of the last bit he says. )

Hey! Who says I'm desperate or wanting to be desperate?! — I don't NEED to have someone romantically, y'know!

( maybe not but she is a girl who is desperate for love, attention, reassurance, loyalty, and recognition. and although there are several in trench who are giving her just that, the cup is humongous and it needs so much filling. )

[no_reload]

That's adorable that you think that you can contain me let alone tie me anywhere. I assure you that won't be possible. But if you want to ride on a beast, I would be more than happy with the adventure.

[He would literally willingly do that. He was going to have to show her what his powers allowed him to do at some point as well, since he did use them sparingly given their cost. He had a feeling she would love him invading her space unannounced; there would definitely be guns and explosions.]

Oh please, have you seen yourself? All of this package that is you just screams "desperate for love and acceptance".

[opheliac]

I've taken care of guys three times the size of you. If I can make 'em pee themselves just by hearing the name "The Loose Cannon", I'm sure I can get ya in state. Give me time.

( she spins around to face him fully with her tushie; now sitting cross-legged. with her fingers join together and in her lap, jinx straightens her back as if to come off very elegant and well-mannered. )

Is that any way to talk to a girl? ... Go on, apologize.

[no_reload]

[Reaper actually laughed at her confidence, and as she spun to face him, he slapped his knees with his palms.] I invite you to try, arándano. Because if you decide to have a go at it, believe that I will reply in kind and I assure you that it won't end well for you and yours.

[It was more of a playful threat on his part. For now. There was a dangerous undertone still because Reaper was hardly known for his mercy back on his world.]

Apologies are stupid, and I can count on one hand the number I've ever given out. Besides, I've terrorized my sister with truth worse than that, and you could care less about apologies.

[opheliac]

Ooooo, such a bad big boy and I love dares. — Maybe when my blood thingie isn't KA-SPLAT, we can go a round. For funies!! We can set the rules where we get each other rough enough and we're juuuuust inches away from death.

( her eyebrows wiggle lively with her hands rubbing together like a little kid had just entered a candy shop. )

So whaddya say? You in or are ya in?

[no_reload]

Why wait until your blood behaves yourself? Though, I supposed my advantages will be far too unfair if you aren't able to fight back in all means. [He chuckled darkly.] Don't be so limited. We can fight to the death because it is meaningless here. The punishment of loss is being an adorable squid for a few hours... or days in my case.

[Reaper was very confident that he could trounce her in a fight, but who was he to deny a teenage girl a wild time?]

I'm in. Perhaps you want to pick a safe word for when I'm about to leave you a smear on the ground though.

[opheliac]

So it'll be fair! You don't wanna be a cheater, right? And see, I would fight to the death but I'll never hear the end of it from my big sister. Believe me, I've had ENOUGH of her whining.

( although the mention of safe word makes her chuckle. it makes sense to have it but being a teenager, her mind lingers off to somewhere immature. it can't be helped sometimes. )

Oh, oh! The safe word oughta be strawberry! Or stawberries. Make it pural.

[no_reload]

I don't consider methods of combat to be cheating unless there are set rules ahead of time. Fine, I'll let you live to see another day, but I guarantee that you'll be hurting.

[He wasn't that interested in riling up big sis, though he was perfectly fine with fighting that one too. Hell, he almost thought it would be interesting to fight both at the same time, but some people would give him grief if he was slaughtering teenage girls again.]

You only get one safe word. You can let me know the day of our little scuffle.

[opheliac]

( he really is acting so big and bad right now. a man who really needs to be knocked down a few stairs. at least, that's the way she sees it. and with her arms loosely folded over her chest, she appears to be agreeing with the terms so far until: )

I want three.

( three? three what? safe words? why in the world does she want multiples and for what reason>? )

[no_reload]

[Reaper watched her for a long moment after her statement as if waiting for her to explain herself. When that didn't appear to be forthcoming, he tilted his head to one side.]

You'll have to expand on that request.

[opheliac]

I want three safe words.

( plain and simple. does the plain and simple makes sense? not at all but he wanted her to elaborate. ask and ye shall receive. )

[no_reload]

That's not how safe words work.

[Perhaps she'd never had to use one before.]

Unless I suppose you want a safe sentence, which is dangerous.

[opheliac]

Oh, I know how safe words work. I just want three of 'em. Cough 'em up!

( maybe now it's showing she is pulling his leg. a girl like jinx can't help but to turn everything in sight into a game or a joke. but in her opinion, the girl believes that's what makes her so loveable in the first place! a weapon who cause destruction but knows how to have fun? who wouldn't want someone like this by their side? )

[no_reload]

No.

[Even if she was pulling her leg, he would stand his ground. Besides, it made no sense for him to give her a safe word. He would just go by what she had said previously.]

[opheliac]

( she blows a sigh through her lips with an eyeroll to go with it. jinx throws her hand up in a dismissive way like she's about to fall to his terms. )

Okay, fiiiiiiiiine. Sixteen safe words and that's my final offer.

[no_reload]

[Such a damn teenager. As much as it irritated him, it also put him in the mood to be an annoying little shithead too.]

Oh good, one safe word for every year you’ve been alive. I’ll agree to that, as long as each word symbolizes that particular year of life. I expect you’ll come up with some good ones.

[opheliac]

'Course. I've got a few rearin' to go already. Strawberries, flub, kerfuffle, ragmuffin, jackass, algae —

( she can really go on with this if he doesn't shut her up. and it's extremely obvious jinx is pulling out whatever random word that's flying through her skull. )