deercountry | return those voices echoing in the sea (closed)

[ Even in the middle of trying to come down from the reminder of that trauma, Ange does glance over at Wu when he speaks up. Maybe it's because of what he's saying, or the sincere quality of those words. Maybe it's since it's the exact opposite of what she heard all those years back home.

Because she was wishing for so long that someone would just tell her that. That it was okay to be alive. That they were glad she was alive - rather than just being told that she should be dead, over and over and over.

But before the older Ange can react, whether it's to reply to those words or do react to the way he's reaching out for her, it's the younger Ange that reacts first. There's not as much of a barrier between her emotions and the expression of them, after all, compared to the older Ange. So despite the two girls feeling the exact same thing in this situation, it's the little Ange that expresses it.

By latching onto Wu as tightly as her tiny arms and hands allow, and starting to sob right against him, tears wetting his clothes.

The older Ange awkwardly looks on. Perhaps her own eyes are growing a little wet too. ]

.. thanks, Wu. I.. um. I'm sorry. [ Ange swallows thickly. ] This-- It's hard for both of us to see this.

[ And she doesn't mean her and her younger self by 'both of us'. She means her and Wu, remembering the way he had looked so helpless out there as well.

It's a trauma neither of them has fully gotten over, isn't it. ]

[ Wu stares down at the younger Ange for a moment before he wraps her in a tight hug, feeling his own tears well up. It's like permission, like the young Ange crying on him, holding tight, seeking comfort, lets him do that too. He sniffs and holds her, even as he still tries to control some of his less helpful emotions-- he's not sure how his paleblood powers will affect a memory, but even so. He doesn't want to cause any unneeded pain. He holds back his own fear, his own trauma response, and instead just lets himself feel Ange's, feeling her desire for those words, her relief, her want for affection. Wu knows those feelings too well. He knows what it's like to be unwanted, to be a burden, to be a name only, and not a person.

When the older Ange speaks, Wu looks up at her with red-ringed eyes, even as he carefully rubs the younger Ange's back as comfortingly as he can. ]

It is. It's-- I'm sorry too. That this, that she, [ he can't say it, but Ange knows what he means. That her aunt was like that. ] None of us deserve that.

[ Neither Ange, or Wu. None of them do. Someone else's anger isn't their fault. But as much as he knows this, it still hurts. He's still scared. A part of him is still twelve and being yelled at, being locked in his room, being ignored and treated like an unwanted pet. ]

[ It's hard to see Wu like this. So obviously affected by the sight of this too, by the memories that it must have called right back to his own mind. And for a moment all Ange can do is just stare back at him, but then she slowly moves. She covers the step between where they're standing right now, and then she - while being conscious of the little Ange and making sure to not jostle or disturb her - puts an arm around Wu as well, basically pulling him into a threeway hug.

And though the older Ange's hold is a little looser than the way the tiny Ange is clinging onto Wu like a liferaft, the same emotion seems to be in there. Sadness, pain.. but also some shared comfort.

At least they can know they're not alone in this. Not anymore. ]

It's okay if you need to cry. [ Her voice is so soft that it's little more than a whisper at this point.

A shakey whisper. ] I.. I think I kind of need to cry too.

That's, that's okay. We can cry.

[ Wu gathers her close too, nodding and sniffling. He is crying, out of sadness, yes, out of the memories, but also because of a strange kind of relief to be so understood by someone--someone's. It's not a common feeling for him, and he treasures it deeply. His tears are a release of all of the things that were buried deep inside him, the trauma from his own Auntie, whose memory rises up at the wrong moments, who's always there, at the back of his mind, judging his choices, telling him he's wrong. Those memories rise up unbidden and pass to Ange.

Wu, younger with long hair pulled up at the back of his head, head bowed as a bejeweled older woman, sitting high on a throne, berates him about singing. Another memory with them in the same positions and she's snapping at him for stealing jewelry from her. Another memory of Wu coming up to her with a smile to ask her something only for her to wave him off with those gold-nailed fingers, dismissing him like he isn't even there.

Wu doesn't mean to show her these memories, he doesn't want to remember them either, but something in him feels better from this. He isn't alone. Neither of them is. They were children, subjected to guardians who didn't want them, who saw them as a burden, but they weren't. They're people. Ange is a good, strong, brave, smart person who brings so much to the world, and if she could be treated like that, it goes to show that people don't treat always treat you based on who you are. It's based on something else, on some failing of the adult, the one who didn't support them, who didn't give them what they need. That's why Wu's crying, holding onto both Anges as he lets go of some of that guilt that he's held onto for so long, the guilt that it was his fault that she treated him that way. ]

[ Ange doesn't even question the memories as they pour into her head as if they were her own all along. There's no need to ask why it's happening, or why now, when she instead can't do a thing but focus on the memories themselves - and how familiar they are. It's like her heart stops as she thinks about them. The constant dismissal. The rejection of everything you are, never letting you do anything you love, as if that person is determined to squash every single bit of your potential happiness.

Ange doesn't even need to see the look on the younger Wu's face. She knows. She knows how it feels.

Feeling the hot tears running down her cheeks, Ange leans against Wu, burying her face against his shoulder as she feels her shoulders shake, as she can tell that he's crying too.

It's so awful. Here they are, two adults, all grown up, far away from the people who did this to them - and yet they're still crying. ]

I hate this. [ Ange manages to force out, her voice tight, like she's having trouble speaking inbetween all the tears. ] Why did she have to treat you like that..?

[ Why did her own aunt have to treat her like that, too? ]

You were just-- just being yourself. It's not fair.

[ Wu tries to reign in the memories. That's enough, for both of them to see, to experience, to re-experience. He sucks in a shaking breath, holding both of them tightly. This is different. This camaraderie, even over something this awful, this is new and kind of wonderful, and he shakes his head with a small attempt at a smile ]

I don't think it was about us. It's, it's about them. About our aunts. I know mine, she just wanted power, she wanted to, to control people, and I was her charge, that she didn't want, and she wanted to control me, too, but she hated that I, I was a child, I wasn't going to bow to her, her every whim like her servants.

[ His voice is tight, but he manages to say all of that, and he's proud of that. He mostly believes it. He's getting there ]

I don't know your aunt, but from what I saw, and from what you said, I think she might be the same. You're really wonderful, Ange, and if she didn't appreciate you, she's not, not worth it. Okay?

[ Even though Wu's impression of his aunt is coming out in bits and pieces in the middle of their emotional outpour, Ange can still fit the pieces together enough to get an idea about the woman - especially with the images she just saw in her own mind.

Wu says he thinks she might be the same, and.. well. Yes. Ange sure thinks there are some similarities there. But it feels unfair, just letting the memory they're stuck in speak for itself without being as brave as Wu, brave enough to speak up about it.

So she does, even though it's hard. ]

Aunt Eva, she-- she was the only survivor of a huge incident in which both of our families died. She already wasn't always a super pleasant person, but.. the death of her husband and son, it.. it twisted her. I guess the only way she could get out the hurt was by-- by hurting someone else.

[ By hurting Ange. ]

.. I know though. That it's.. not fair. [ She shakes her head. ] I was just a kid..

[ How could she have changed anything, as young as she was? ]

We were young. We just.. wanted to live. And be happy. [ She sucks in a shakey breath, and then sniffs. ] I can't believe you bounced back from all that so much, Wu. That you're still.. still so cheery. Even though she treated you like dirt..

Whatever she felt she had to do, it wasn't your fault.

[ His voice is soft, a little choked with tears, and he stays close, his head resting on Ange's, cradling the young Ange against his chest. It feels nice, at least, to hold them. Even if he can't fix anything, even if this hurt is so deep, so old, that it can't be fixed with a hug, Wu likes to think that the hug helps. It helps him, at least. ]

I think this is just how I am. She tried to change me, but I... was never very good at it. [ He laughs a little at that ] I've never been really good at being anything but this.

But this isn't how you are. I have to imagine you would have been just as intelligent and quiet and focused as you are now, with or without her. She didn't make you who you are, Ange. [ At least, that's what he chooses to believe. ] Just like my Auntie didn't make me, either.

I don't..

[ Ange starts, and then stops. It feels awful to go against Wu's words when she knows that he means them so sincerely. He's being so nice to her here, and there's absolutely no way Ange doesn't want to seem grateful about that.

But something about them feels wrong as well. She's not on his level. She did let these events change her. ]

I wasn't like that.. when I was younger. I was cheerful, and easily excited, and I never felt like I had to hide my feelings from anyone. [ Does Ange know how she would have turned out if she had grown up the normal way? No, but.. it doesn't feel like she had become who she is now.

For better or for worse, one may say, but it feels like for worse.

She pulls her head back, though the rest of her body lingers in the hug. The tearstains are now visible on her face as she looks at Wu. ]

If you didn't let it change you, then.. then you're so much stronger than I am. [ She sniffs, almost choking up all over again. ] I became all twisted in the end..

[ Because it feels like she could have become someone so, so much better. ]

Hey, hey. I'm not. I promise you I'm not stronger or anything! I'm just different.

[ He meets her eyes, offering her a small smile. ]

I'm sure it did change me, in different ways. I might still be like this, but I... boy, Ange, you know I never had friends before Deerington, right? Never. Not one. I still never know if I'm doing it right.

[ He squeezes her tight for a moment ]

Things do change us. I'm probably being too optimistic. I just, I don't want my Auntie to define me, you know? I don't want that to shape who and what I am now.

I don't think you're twisted, but if you were, well. We can't undo what happened to us. We can just... figure it out from here. But I know that there are so many people in Trench who love you. Ruby, for one! And would Ruby love someone twisted?

[ See, Ange thinks, this is what she means. Wu moves back into something so much more positive and optimistic so easily. Even though they were confronted with something so painful for them, he's already here, trying to see the good side in all of it.

She's not jealous though. It's just what she admires about Wu, and.. well, it's what she truly appreciates in this moment of all times.

It's nice to have someone there to bring some light into such a dark memory. ]

I guess not. [ She softly says, no longer protesting. ] .. we can help each other figure it out.

[ Though Ange is still not so sure Wu needs much help with that. But if he does - then she'll be here. ]

Even if it's just by being there for each other.

Sometimes, that's all we really can do. That's all I can ever do! [ He laughs, self-deprecating, and looks down at the younger Ange, still holding onto him. He lets out a sigh. This was a lot. A lot a lot. It brought back so much that he tries not to think about, and this wasn't even his aunt. He can only imagine what it's like for Ange.

He squeezes them both close one more time. ]

What do you say to actually trying that dress-up while we're here?

.. we should.

[ It's the actual Ange that replies, surprisingly enough. Usually she would have said no to that kind of idea so easily, or tried to get the heck out of there at the very suggestion, but..

It's better than crying in a bathroom together.

Especially for the younger Ange, she thinks, as she gently nudges the child. They ought to change this into something more positive for her, even if they can't change the actual memory that's stuck in Ange's head. The little Ange looks up, wiping at her face with her tiny fists to try and get rid of the tears before she slowly nods. ]

Uh-huh.. I.. I want to play dress-up.

[ Wu eases himself up, offering each Ange a hand. He takes a deep breath to steady himself once they're on their feet. ]

Yeah, we can play dress up. We can salvage the day!

[ Even if it is a memory, it still feels important to make this day alright for the younger Ange, and for himself and Ange, too. They don't have to have their time ruined by their Aunts, not again. Not anymore.

He glances at Ange with a small smile as they head out of the bathroom ]

Are you alright?

[ Ange glances at the younger Ange, walking alongside them, and then over at Wu once they emerge into the hallway. There's still some part of her that's on edge about being in this memory, considering her aunt exists in it as well..

.. but it's a little less so than before by now, she thinks. ]

Define 'alright'. [ Ange says - quietly, but not totally without some humor to it. ] .. I think I'll be alright now though.

[ Or at least feeling a little better than she was doing a few moments ago. ]

Thanks to you sharing this experience with me.

Ah... yeah. [ Wu laughs weakly, feeling a little silly for the question. But he glances at her with a small smile ] I suppose, if we had to anyway, at least it was together.

[ Because out of everyone in Trench to experience this with, the two of them have this in common. This awful, painful thing that's theirs, that they share, even if they're from different worlds. ]

[ It's truly what makes this even slightly bearable. The togetherness. The knowledge that, even in her worst memories, she isn't alone. That there is someone who understands.

Ange can feel the memory starting to grow dark around the edges, signaling the end of it, but she still doesn't let go of Wu for a moment longer. Just until this ends, and they'll be separated. ]

I won't forget this.

[ It's still said softly, but she means this. If these memories ever bother her again, then.. ] I'll think of you.

[ He can feel that she means it, feel the sincerity, and he doesn't take it lightly. This is something that only they could share, something special, even in how serious, how painful it is. ] Me too, Ange.

[ He offers her one more smile and squeezes her hand before the memory dissolves around them. ]

return those voices echoing in the sea (closed)

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