deercountry | let me look at the sun

Entry tags:

let me look at the sun | open

Who: Paul Atreides, open
What: Event catch-all
When: Month of December
Where: Archaic Archives, streets of Trench, the forest's edge, memories
Notes: Go ahead and contact me at

terriblepurpose or by PM if you'd like to discuss any starters or suggest new ones! For tagging in your character's memories to Paul, feel free to start with whatever your preference is.

Content Warnings: Violence, body horror (lockjoint), death, religious extremism, extensive Dune spoilers, suicidal ideation, funerals, grief

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Finally, to Paul's mingled embarrassment and alarm, it clicks: the woman flexing at the dinner table next to the small, sour-faced one. Harrow, presumably. And he should have recognized her, had said he would, and he didn't.]

I've met Warden Palamedes. He told me a little about you. Only good things. [Paul walks towards a narrow trail rising from the beach as the rising vessel finally fully clears the water and the first surge waves begin to lap higher on the sand.] I'm glad we finally met.

[It's not fair to her to hide the things he's aware of, if only in the broadest details, from Palamedes' memory. It's not possible to tell her any of them and risk hurting her, even if he doesn't know if any of them happened to her - as he told Palamedes, that's worse, and Paul can't betray his trust either.

He thinks Gideon's the first real person he's seen in any of these memories, their own or his, who's seemed anything other than miserable in one way or another. He's not taking that away so he can feel less guilty. (For Paul, acknowledging to himself who Gideon reminds him of, with her easy confident charm and strong shoulders in the context of this memory, is something he isn't prepared to do.)]

It'll make the explanation easier. [There's just enough room on the trail to walk side by side, and Paul takes the outside edge.] I'd like to try to integrate you into the memory with magic as someone who belongs here, if you'll let me. I haven't tried it yet, but it's safe for you.

[ Oh, that makes sense. Paul does look like the type of person to get along well with the Sixth. Gideon grins again -- any friend of Palamedes is (probably) a friend of hers. The whole Lyctor thing wasn't really his fault; his judgment about people is probably better otherwise.

Warden Palamedes is an oddly formal-plus-informal way to refer to him, though. Gideon doesn't laugh, mostly because Paul sounds so earnest about it and she's not that much of a dick, but she does keep grinning broadly, absolutely thrilled by this turn of events. ]

Oh, nice! Cool to meet you, too. Are you also into books and stuff, then?

[ Yeah, Harrow will definitely think of Paul as another rival, which Gideon finds hilarious. Gideon, meanwhile, follows Paul along the path, looking alternately back at the sea and up at that huge sky. It's so different from the dull, dead pit that is the Ninth House, or the ruined citadel of the First.

She nods at Paul's plan, happy enough to go along if it means she gets to board a cool memory spaceship. ] Yeah, sure, that works. I'm used to being a fighter for the Ninth, just make me one for this place.

[ Belatedly, Gideon wonders if they even fight with swords here. Their spaceships are so different, after all. It would make sense that their weapons would be, too. Gideon can't imagine what else they'd use, though. Guns? How archaic. Swords that are also guns? That could be pretty sweet. ]

Edited (repitition) 2021-12-16 05:56 (UTC)

[Paul can't help it. She's infectious. He smiles back, an amused half-slant of his mouth.]

I am into books 'and stuff', yes. [He says it not like he's mocking her, but like he's never heard the expression before, and wants to turn it over in his mouth himself.] Thank you. Here.

[He produces a water polished smooth stone from his pocket and passes it to her, marked with a smear of blood: he had it ready before she got here. He had hoped it would be someone who could seem reasonable as a fighter for the House, as a matter of fact, but something about Gideon's lightness makes him entertain the brief and ridiculous thought of passing her off as a mentat.]

You're one of my bodyguards, so you don't have to do much except follow me. There isn't going to be anything you have to protect me from. [Below, the beach is being flooded with wave after wave. A flock of dark winged birds swarm down to dive into the troughs between them for stunned fish.] You can call the Duke 'my lord' or 'your grace', but he prefers 'my lord' with people from the House.

[Observant minds might notice that up until this point, there has been no mention of 'meeting a Duke' on the itinerary. Paul says it very casually, so perhaps that means it's not anything to worry about.]

You're not what I expected. [Clearly, nothing to worry about, if he shifts subjects so smoothly.] Not in a bad way. Is it impolite to ask if you're the necromancer or the cavalier?

[ Oh, and there's a little smile! Gideon's glad to see it. Paul's polite quiet (not to mention the skinny stature and dark hair) reminds her of Harrowhark in public, which means Gideon is taking that small smile as a victory.

She takes the bloodied stone, studies it for a moment, and then shrugs, slipping it into her pocket. Seems legit. Bodyguard works, so Gideon slows her pace to a half-step behind Paul's, typical for a cavalier of the Nine Houses. The familiarity is honestly kind of nice, especially in this strange memory. Gideon is definitely much better at this than being a mentat -- she can probably count on one hand the number of times she's had to do any math at all. ]

Sounds good to me -- [ night boss is Harrowhark, so instead: ] -- beach boss. Are you my lord too? [ Gideon is not especially intimidated by the idea of meeting a Duke -- her friends are heads of Houses in their own right, so she's almost used to it. If Gideon does startle a little at the title, it's only because where she's from, that's a Seventh term. Dukes and Duchesses of Rhodes. But Paul doesn't strike her as especially Seventh, thankfully. Nothing like Cytherea, with her little laughs and fucked-up eyes.

At not what I expected Gideon stands up a little straighter, clearly proud of herself, for some reason. ] It's not rude, but I wouldn't go asking people that, only because it'll make you look kind of dumb. No offense. [ not his fault he's not from the Nine Houses! ] Necromancers are always super frail and skinny. I'm one hundred percent not -- [ Gideon flexes a bicep, for good measure ] -- which means I'm the cavalier. You're not wrong, though, 'cause Ninth House cavs typically spend their days hauling around bones and whatever. That's not me, though. I'm the best swordswoman in my House.

[ Yeah, the competition isn't stiff, but that doesn't matter! ]

[Paul, to his own amazement, laughs. It's not a very good one, and he tries to stop it halfway, so it comes out sounding more like one of the seabirds squawking below. But it is a laugh. He's never met anyone who talks like this, and with no preconceptions to draw on he infers from the the novel way she combines words that Gideon is clever as well as strong.

It feels far too easy to have her a half-step behind, making jokes no one else would dare make. If this is what a cavalier is, Paul thinks - and then he doesn't.]

Then I'm twice honored, meeting the swordsmaster of the Ninth and their cavalier in the same day. [He believes her when she says she's the best, his look at her bicep when she flexes suitably impressed.] Thank you for unburdening me of my ignorance.

And you don't have to call me my lord. [Which is a sideways way of saying yes, as if he doesn't want to be direct.] Or beach boss. I wouldn't want to have to challenge the gulls here for it, they're too fat.

[ That, too, is very Harrowhark-esque: a laugh that doesn't really sound like one, but at least it's there. To be fair, Gideon has only heard Harrow laugh once, and that was right before --

-- best not. They're going to see a ship! That's super cool. ]

No prob, dude.

[ Okay, he is a lord. Good to know! Gideon does not anticipate using the title unless she has to, in order to board the ship. She's long since checked her pride at the Ninth House, a little my lords here and there don't bother her at all. She's not quite sure what a gull is, though, although a brief and dizzying look off the cliff's edge suggests that they're those birds? They make an awful lot of noise, especially for someone who is not at all used to birds. ]

Mmm, right. Sounds incredibly dangerous indeed. [ Said in mock-seriousness. She's onto you, weird little birds!! ]

[Paul catches the look of someone who doesn't know what he's talking about. It's one he saw on Arrakis often, whenever he mentioned anything to do with the ways of a world rich in water.]

They're more dangerous than they look. [A real-serious warning, delivered with a nod down at the wheeling birds.] Serrated beaks and poisoned spurs. Every three months we have to come down with spear-guns and clear them out to keep them from making off with livestock and children.

[He's still holding the thermos in his hand, unopened, so he opens it and takes a sip. His has more pepper, the way his favorite cook used to make it for him, and with the west-wind in his hair and the cool air of Caladan on his face - he can pretend. Just for a while.]

You should see some of the scars. They like to go for the eyes.

[ Get used to it, Paul, because Gideon does not know what she's talking about like 75% of the time.

At that absolutely Insane Wildlife Fact, Gideon just nods. ] Okay. Don't fuck with the baby-eating birds. Got it. [ The eyes?? Yikes. ] Ugh, I have the best tinted glasses back in Trench. Should've brought them here. Guess I can't be one of your bird-fighters, too.

[ So it goes! And then, so Paul doesn't think she's a complete idiot for not knowing how birds work: ] The Ninth doesn't have any of this stuff. The castle's deep down, close to the planet's core, and we've gotta pump in the atmosphere ourselves. [ Which means: no birds. Or any kind of wildlife, really. Just skeletons! ]

[That would rule out fish as well, which are what Paul thinks of as they crest the cliff, finally. He thinks of fish and the old proverb about their word for water, how he never realized how truly rich his planet was until he went to a world that was everything Caladan is not. What would it be like to grow up huddled by your planet's heart, your most precious resource oxygen instead of water?]

That's all right about the glasses. None of that was true. [Paul glances back at her with a trace of apology, eyes shaded by dark lashes.] They do smell terrible.

[From here, a jutting spur of land is visible, a cluster of black veiled figures standing at its base. Dark stone tombs dot the winter-yellowed grass slope, the resting place of the honored Atreides dead. There's another figure in black farther away, crouched by one of the tombs, almost invisible at this distance.

Paul stops. He screws the top of his thermos back on and sets it down, leaning against a stone. He straightens his coat, thumbs running along his collar, and brushes unruly hair from his face. He seems calm, perfectly so, and if he's pale, he's always pale.]

How do I look?

[It's a reflexive question, on the tip of his tongue before he can think of the absurdity. Gideon isn't going to be able to tell him if he looks different, she's never seen him before.]

[ King Undying, of course the birds don't eat babies. Gideon isn't even mad -- this is a level of stupidity she can get behind -- but she does give Paul a little shove, laughing at the same time. ]

Okay, beach boss. [ Said sarcastically, now truly a joke.

And oh, hm, there's someone in the distance and Paul seems to suddenly care about what he looks like. Gideon, meanwhile, is more taken by the graveyard. The Ninth, who boil their skeletons and send them out to work, don't bury their dead like this. She's lived nearly all her life in a grave, but never seen a graveyard.

She looks back to Paul, bright golden eyes carefully assessing. ]

A little bit like one of our skeletons, actually. [ she's obviously being sarcastic -- that's payback for the birds, paul!!

Genuine, this time: ] Kidding. You look fine. [ All the heirs of the Nine Houses are super skinny and some degree of brood-y, so. ] Good enough for the Duke, if you ask me.

[Paul rocks back slightly with the shove, which earns Gideon a startled look that makes him seem his actual age. It's not an unwelcome shove or one he reads as a threat, but this is simply not a thing that is done. Strangers don't touch him without permission.

And yet: he doesn't mind. He's only surprised. (And what does it matter? Who would care if she shoved him off this cliff and sent him tumbling onto the rocks? The gulls do go for the eyes, when it's easy.) So he lets it go, blinking away the look and returning to a slight smile.]

I'm sure the skeletons of the Ninth House are very handsome. [He adjusts his coat again, although nothing has changed. Everything is correct, as it should be, his skin unblemished and unbruised.] All right. This won't take long.

[He feels as though he's said that already. It doesn't matter. They can't stay here. So he starts walking again, shoulders at ease, hands open, stride sure and unhastened.]

[ Gideon has long since realized that this guy can be kind of....tense, although she didn't really anticipate it to be that bad. Oh, well. He doesn't seem especially angry, so Gideon doesn't register the look much beyond feeling a little sorry for him. ]

They sure are. You should see my friend, Dr. Skelebone.

[ And with that, Gideon fixes her robes a bit and nods, following Paul. She slips back into that half-step behind him, and this time, her face takes on the expression of perfect Ninth calm. The whole experience is not unlike her "vow of silence" at Canaan House, and Gideon is once again comforted by the fact that, as strange as this planet may be, there's so much about it that's familiar. (Hopefully not too familiar, though. Ideally, there will be no murders here.) Gideon trails Paul noiselessly, like a tall, dark shadow. ]

[That does wring another faint smile from Paul, one he angles his face to make visible to her. He still has his manners. But he doesn't say anything more as he faces forward again.

They pass by where the veiled figures stand, watching them go by impassively. The house mourners are attentive to their duties, if nothing else. The farthest figure turns, raises an arm in greeting, and Paul takes a sharp breath as they walk past the first tomb. He pays them no attention, but if Gideon does she'll see each is carved with an individual scene, stylized depictions of heroes battling men and beast, seated on thrones, commanding armies.

The figure straightens up and walks to meet them. His features come into focus, a handsome older man with grey shot through his full dark hair and beard. Where Paul is tense, he is at ease, his smile warm as he approaches. The Duke Leto Atreides, first of his name; Leto the Just, the good lord of Caladan; Leto, Paul's father.

Paul knows his father is dead. Beyond the fact no other possibility exists, he knows it, a certainty that is cold and clear inside of him.

But he doesn't believe it. He's never going to believe it. He's going to spend the rest of his life waiting for someone to tell him there's been a terrible mistake, waiting to turn around and see him walking towards him again like this.]

Paul [says his father, and there must have been something Paul missed in himself, because his father's eyes crease at the corners as they search his face on his approach] Came to say goodbye to the old bull, eh?

[Then his gaze shifts to Gideon, his smile turning to the grin of an old commander:] Gideon! Getting him into trouble, I hope?

[While his memory talks to Gideon, Paul does - nothing. He stands there, watching his father with his face barely guarded, drinking in every gesture and word like water, like air. He doesn't think, doesn't have space for anything but this, doesn't let in anything but this.]

[ The mourners could be sisters of the Tomb, if only they'd painted their faces. Gideon doesn't spend much time looking at them, but she does catch the carvings on the graves. They suggest generations of history and wealth -- a traditionalism that is very nearly Fifth. Harrow might give these dead the blessings of the Tomb, but those were never really Gideon's prayers. Besides, on the Ninth, silence is respect enough.

Gideon expects the Duke to be much like Paul -- quiet, polite, tense. She does not anticipate the smile, the gentleness, the welcome. The family resemblance. This is Paul's father, and he reminds her so much of the only other true father she's ever met.

Magnus never got to be this old, Gideon thinks, and then pushes that idea aside before she can recall the image of a crumpled-up body at the base of a ladder. There's a moment -- and Paul might catch it, if he's paying attention -- where Gideon's mellow completely evaporates, and she stands there shocked, like she's just seen a ghost. But she catches herself, and it passes. She gives the Duke a polite nod, and a smile in return. ]

You know it, my lord. [ Gideon grips that thermos like a raft in the middle of the sea. She can practically hear Harrowhark chiding her -- come on, Griddle, think of something. This was so much easier when she could just fake a vow of silence. ] Those gulls never stood a chance.

[ There! That probably makes sense, maybe? Gideon's knowledge of what typically goes down on this planet is limited to weird birds and hot drinks, so it'll have to do. ]

[The duke laughs from his belly, delighted amusement dancing in his eyes. He steps closer to Gideon and claps her firmly on the shoulder, looking up at her - he's slightly shorter than Paul, and distinctly shorter than Gideon, but his command of presence is such that it somehow hardly seems that way.]

You do House Atreides proud, protecting our tender youth and meager sheep from - what was it again?. [He turns to Paul, teasing and fond.] Saws for beaks, poison claws? Worth a medal, anyway. I'll have it commissioned. A gull, rampant on vermillion!

[Paul catches Gideon's look because it echoes the one he's striving to keep off his face. He'd stood on that beach for however long, imagining what would happen. How he would react, what he would say, how he would sift this memory for every precious scrap of what he could take from it. He didn't imagine this; should have, but was too lost to see it.

The duke leans towards Gideon, voice a conspicuously loud whisper:]

Did Paul tell you about the boat?

[Paul hunches his shoulder towards his ears, a flush appearing at their tips as he ducks his head in embarrassment, and of all the things he thought he'd say to his dead father he starts with the soft, flustered protest of:]

Dad.

[Leto smiles wider, looking back to Gideon with his eyebrows raised in invitation to ask. Paul watches them with eyes shining too bright, love a crushing weight on his chest he hopes pins him here forever.]

[ The shoulder clasp, Gideon thinks, hurts worse than a punch to her gut. There is a part of her that knows she doesn't deserve this -- that if she were really Paul's bodyguard, she would have let him and his father die. That's what she does. That's what she's always done, since she was a child. Priamhark. Pelleamena. Mortus. Magnus. Abigail. Isaac. Jeannemary. Palamedes.

If she were any less a daughter of the Ninth, Gideon would flinch. Instead, she follows the Duke's gaze towards Paul, who seems to need this, badly. Gideon can't put together why, right now, but she can help him the best she can. (She can focus on that, and not on how the way he says Dad reminds her of how Isaac Tettares used to say Maaaagnus.)

She leans back towards the Duke, shaking her head no. ]

He didn't, my lord. What, uh, happened?

Edited 2021-12-18 19:43 (UTC)

Oh, it's a heroic tale. [the duke assures Gideon, releasing her shoulder] Paul's being modest. Let's see - Paul was five, so it was about eight or nine years ago -

Eleven.

[Leto pauses, bringing a hand to his beard as he thinks:] Was it?

[As Gideon well knows, much of the dynamic of teasing is in how things are said, not so much what. This apparently spontaneous exchange has the well-worn air of being part of a rhythm, and Leto's tone is nothing but affectionate. Paul's hunched shoulders are part of that rhythm too, the embarrassment half-feigned, the corners of his mouth threatening to turn up unless he keeps his lips pursed and looks down at a clod of fascinating dirt.]

You know how old I am.

You have gotten taller. [Leto makes a small 'hmm' of a sound.] About the same amount of hair, even back then.

About eleven years ago, Paul wanted nothing more than to have his very own boat. Not a big boat, as he insisted on making clear, but a little toy boat, with white sails. His mother, being a wiser woman than I, used the promise of this little toy boat to entice Paul to behave himself at an upcoming banquet she was throwing for every Atreides cousin, kinsman, and out-freyn relation in the galaxy. Wretched people, half of them. I think she worried you'd tell them that.

Now, at first, everything went as planned. The boat is presented on the morning of, and Paul spends the day sailing it on the koi pond. The banquet begins, we bring him out to make his introductions - very properly -

She said she'd take the boat away if I didn't. [Paul remembers having been offended by that. He'd gotten his end of the bargain, he wasn't about to not follow through.]

As I said. Wiser woman than I. So! The thing is done, and we send him off to bed with two bodyguards and a nursemaid. And do I think anything of it? Of course not! I have larger concerns on my mind, including finding a moment's peace.

I steal away to my study about halfway through the night, after enough of them have become sufficiently drunk - only to take my one moment, of course - and what do I find? My son, soaking wet in his nightclothes, working at the lock on my weapons cabinet.

Gideon doesn't care about -

[Leto waves a hand in acknowledgment, gives Gideon a sly look; Paul fidgets, half-proud, half-annoyed, all raw open nerves:] He turns around, not an ounce of shame on his face, and tells me he needs my spear-gun, because he has to attend to a matter of honor. And tell me, Gideon - who do you think my five year old son was feuding with?

[ Gideon listens, wincing appropriately at the concept of a dinner party. Based on Gideon's sample size of one, those can and do end horribly. This one doesn't seem to involve murder, though, so: win! It's a bit more difficult for her to picture a toy boat or koi pond -- she's got no clue what the latter is, and assumes from context that the former is some kind of miniature boat?

It's much easier for Gideon to focus on trying to piece this story together than the relationship before her -- a loving father, an embarrassed son. She focuses mostly on the Duke -- he's the one telling the story, after all -- but occasionally she'll steal a look back towards Paul, fidgeting and carefully studying the dirt. He's even harder to follow than the story. Why the embarrassment? Doesn't he see how lucky he is?

As the story wears on, Gideon relaxes little by little. The image of a soaking wet five-year-old trying to pick a lock is pretty funny, and so Gideon smiles back, genuine this time. ]

...The birds, my lord? [ He probably wouldn't try to shoot a guest, and Gideon has no idea what a koi is, so that leaves the gulls. Trying to bail Paul out a little, she adds: ] If one of them had stolen my boat, I'd have done the same.

[ Gideon has, in her life, raided the Ninth House weapons cache to make Harrow pay for like, stealing her food and whatnot. As a child, Harrow was about the size and weight of a large bird, it totally counts. ]

That's right.

[Leto is thoroughly pleased by Gideon's engagement, another light touch on her shoulder to signal so. He always made it look so natural, Paul thinks, the effortless way he folded people in. So much so that between him and Gideon, both drawing him out of himself, he can't help but step into the story on his cue. And he is shy, Gideon right about him the first time, at least about this.]

It wasn't about the boat. They ate my myrmidons.

They were shrimp. Raw shrimp.

They needed to be armored, and if they were cooked they couldn't be myrmidons -

- and you snuck out past all of House Atreides' security -

- so did you -

I had to see these terror-birds myself, and how you'd gotten all the way down to the beach - all the way to the beach, Gideon!

We brought a net instead. You said we had to catch them, that any birds so wicked had to be agents of our enemies. [Paul closes his eyes briefly, shaking his head, his smile a fragile, soft thing.] You gave me your coat. I kept tripping on it. We didn't catch one, we just - ran up and down the beach. Until mom caught us.

She'd already reduced my head of security to near tears. [Leto steps to his son, rests a hand on his shoulder.] She was proud of you, of course - I think you got another boat out of it, didn't you? - but I didn't hear the end of it for months.

[Leto's eyes are gentle as he searches Paul's face, gently digging his thumb into a knot of tension:] It was worth it.

Now, let's walk, and we'll see if you want to tell me why you really came up here.

[He very much means you too, Gideon, if his warm but undeceived sideways glance is anything to go by. Leto is the patriarch of his house, and that makes every member of it, in a way, his family, at least as far as he reckons such things. If Gideon is going to come stand in his cemetery and look as lost as she did, he's going to take an interest. He releases Paul's shoulder after a firm squeeze, and Paul is nearly clumsy in his quickness to keep up with him as he starts strolling towards the edge of the cliff. But he's not as wretched anymore, something in him soothed and eased as it always is by his father. (Always was, the little poison dart of knowledge, but he can ignore it.)]

[ Gideon has a hard time squaring up raw shrimp and myrmidon and toy boat, but she follows the story well enough. At the mental image of a very small Paul, who cannot weigh more than like fifty pounds, running out to the beach, Gideon snorts. ] But five year olds aren't even that fast. [ Seriously, who are the Atreides hiring as their guards?

Eventually, before she can realize what's happening, Gideon is enjoying herself. It's not quite like they're old friends -- this place is far too strange for that -- but the Duke is warm, and merry, and even Paul is smiling, and for a moment Gideon can pretend she grew up on a planet as rich as this one. It's rather nice. ]

It sounds like a lot of fun. [ She means it. ]

[ The story ends, like all good comics do, and Gideon freezes momentarily at the Duke's glance, worried that she's been found out, her cover blown. She can't say that, though, so instead she follows, once again a half step behind. That, at least, isn't something she's faking. She'll try to catch up to Paul, hoping that she can shoot him a look that plainly reads: what the fuck do we do now? ]

[Paul does catch the look, although it seems to take effort for him to look back at Gideon. Her confusion confuses him, at first, but then he is reminded - as he is always being reminded - that no one in this place knows him. None of this is real. Gideon is not House Atreides, has no reason to trust him, his father is-]

It was. And as for fast - it turns out you don't need to be when you time out a security hole you neglected to mention when you noticed it, because 'it only worked from the inside'.

[-looking at him like he always used to, when he could tell something was wrong. Paul could lie to him about some things, but never about that. Leto always knew, some sense as subtle as anything Paul's mother ever taught him able to perceive it no matter what Paul tried. He remembers it perfectly, like he remembers too many things perfectly, and so it turns out that what Paul is doing to do, Gideon, is tell the truth:]

I was going to ask you to let me go to Arrakis, with Duncan. I had it worked out. [He looks at the ground in front of them, his hair falling around his eyes.] I knew you'd say no.

Paul-

[Leto's tone is one of immense sympathy, but Paul pushes past it. He can't stop. If he stops he's never going to be able to start again; he keeps going, his voice soft, thoughtful, aching.]

Wait. Please- [and now, a small glance at Gideon, a plea for her patience, her unearned trust extended only on grace] -let me finish.

[ Every fiber in Gideon's body is crying out to make a security hole joke. Miraculously, however, even Gideon realizes this might be a bad idea. Because Paul starts talking, and there's a weight to his words that suggests that he is going to say something brutal, instead of taking the preferred Ninth House route of not saying anything at all.

I knew you'd say no, Paul says, and there's a split second where Gideon considers stopping Paul there. They are getting dangerously close to family drama territory here, and that's not something that Gideon is especially good at dealing with! She's close enough to butt in and say ha, ha, Paul's just guessing, he doesn't really know, also we're going to go hijack one of your ships okay cool bye.

But then Paul looks back, and Gideon meets his eyes, and any resistance evaporates. That look -- maybe she recognizes it. Maybe she's just projecting. Regardless, her expression softens into something more gentle, from what the hell to go ahead. Gideon doesn't really know Paul, but he offered her cocoa and laughed and her jokes, and that means more to her than he knows. The least she can give him is this: not trust, necessarily, but space and support. He won't have to say it alone. (Hopefully, that's better.) ]

[The look on Paul's face at that is hideously unguarded gratitude; the look of someone marking a debt they aren't sure how to repay, but will strive to find out. And then he looks back to his father, who is offering him something not entirely different from Gideon, if built on much deeper foundations. With two pairs of accepting eyes on him, Paul squares his shoulders, looks out over the graves of his ancestors to the sea, and keeps going, voice a touch stronger:]

I knew you'd say no. And you're right. I was going to argue with you, that I'd prepared enough, I was ready, but - that only proves that I'm not. [He shakes his head, but his self-judgment is without bitterness.] I'm being selfish, in the worst way. I'm thinking of myself as someone whose actions only belong to me.

[He stops walking next to one of the most ancient tombs, breathes in the air, tastes salt:] But the things I do, they matter more than that. I don't serve Duncan or our House, or you, any purpose if I waste myself. And that means I have to be here. I've learned how to fight, how to think, but - I don't know how to lead, or how to be- I want to be a future House Atreides can be proud of. And there's so much I still have to learn, but - I need to be here, with you -

[Paul feels himself splintering, his voice tighter and more awful with every syllable, and then his father is in front of him, touching his arms. Paul isn't sure if he's tugged, or if he falls, or if he lunges, but the end result is the same: he clutches at his father like an almost drowned five-year-old, burying his face in his shoulder, and thinks please, please, please, not knowing what he's asking for, or of whom. "Breathe, Paul," his father whispers, and he does, inhaling the rich, woodsy scent of his father's beard oil.

It's a while before they break apart, Leto's hands still on his son's arms, looking at him as though he's forgotten they're not alone. Leto smiles, his eyes slightly shining, love and pride and concern all mingled in his gaze.]

You have less to learn than you think. [He brings a hand up to cup Paul's face, forestalling protest.] Look at you. When did you get so wise?

I didn't. [Paul manages, through sheer force of will, to half-smile.] I didn't- we didn't just come up here so I could tell you that. We're also borrowing a 'thopter.

...is that so?

Gideon's lover is in the first wing. I'm smuggling her over. Just to say goodbye, then we'll come back.

[Paul didn't forget about you, Gideon. As a matter of fact, you're his escape route. Leto glances between the two of them, assessing, and reaches a decision. Paul sees the we'll talk later in his weighted gaze and wishes that it were true, nods slightly, and Leto's seriousness lightens again.]

So you're saying what I want to hear to get me to look the other way? Sly of you. [Leto lets go, and it hurts Paul like a wound.] You are learning. All right. Go, clear your heads, both of you, and don't let on that I know. Gideon - be safe, and if I find you on Arrakis when we arrive, you're scrubbing latrines for the rest of your career, are we understood?

Edited (typo) 2021-12-20 23:17 (UTC)

[ Nobody, aside from Harrowhark, has ever looked at Gideon like that. She's used to being an annoyance; people don't owe her things. Except: I owe you your life. I owe you everything. But that feels like years ago.

It feels like an invasion of privacy to be here, watching this level of vulnerability between a parent and child. She doesn't understand where all these words come from, all these ways of saying I love you over and over again. She's never seen anything like it, and the novelty of it all makes something desperate and uncomfortable twist in Gideon's gut, a feeling she'd refer to as yikes and then move on.

Out of all that, one sentence will stick with her, after all this is said and done: I'm thinking of myself as someone whose actions only belong to me. If she gives it too much thought, it reminds her of iron spikes, of Harrow turning to look at something she shouldn't see. And that's something Gideon definitely doesn't want to think about, so she won't. (She'll try not to.)

Thankfully, Gideon's lover snaps her out of that line of thought. The idea of Harrow piloting any kind of flying machine is frankly laughable, and Gideon grins for a second, before remembering that a necromancer and a lover are too very different things, and also Gideon has just witnessed two people having a Moment.

So Gideon does her best to school her expression, and offers the Duke a sharp Cohort salute. It's not his, of course, but it's the one she knows. ]

Yes, sir, understood! [ and then, a promise: ] He's safe with me.

[ When Paul is ready to break away, she'll follow quietly. Once they're out of earshot: ]

...You good?

[ Because wow, that's a hell of a thing to go through in front of a total stranger, buddy. ]

[The look of gratitude Leto gives her at that promise doesn't share the intensity of his son's, but it is its tempered echo. He accepts the salute as it is, perhaps because of the magic, or perhaps because he recognizes the intent.]

You make House Atreides proud. [And then, he looks back to Paul, and this is what will break Paul, if anything does:] Always.

[It's what he carries when they walk away after a last farewell, after the Duke smiles at them one more time and ushers them off, that moment that never was, never will be. It's not that he doesn't believe it. He believes it, he knows it: his father was proud of him. He told Paul that often, in all kinds of words and gestures.

But always. Always?

Gideon's question draws him out of his thoughts, his shoulders drawing back and his head rising as if startled, even though she's been there the entire time.]

I am. Thank you. [The worst part is that it's true. He should be in tears. He should fall to his knees and weep, tear out his hair, scream, something. But all he does is keep walking, his gait smooth, his eyes dry.] And thank you for being patient.

[Paul takes a breath, then another. He doesn't look behind them.] It's not far from here to the hangar. I've been thinking about where we should go, and there's - something I've always wanted to try. But it's a little dangerous, so it's up to you if we do it.

Edited 2021-12-22 07:34 (UTC)

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