deercountry | the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Entry tags:

the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: January event catchall
When: January
Where: The Snake Den and around Trench

Content Warnings: Eye trauma, blood, swearing, artful robot nudity, will add as they come in

a. i will trust the artist molding me [the snake den]

Anna doesn't really need much help right now cutting loose at the Snake Den. Madam G has been on her list of Pthumerians to check out for a while, and even if there had been some kind of reluctance to begin with, now that she's here mingling in a borrowed suit she feels downright comfortable. It's like she's ten years younger, and though her voice is still smoky and she's still missing an eye as far as physical age goes, socially she's just. Free, right now. It's nice.

It's nice enough that, when she's not striking up conversation with other people, she decides to indulge herself in the open mic. Borrowing an electric bass from backstage, she walks up, sits down, plugs in, and grabs the mic. "This is one from back home," she says, "By a band called Silversun Pickups. It's about finding freedom and acceptance and love in the places and with the people that everyone else tells you to stay away from. They'll say that the only way to be who you are is to file yourself off. That you need to hold yourself back to make other people comfortable without ever worrying if you're comfortable." She's talking very passionately for someone who doesn't think of herself as a motivational speaker. With a confident look, she finally leads into the song. "Let's bury that lie, Trench. This is called 'The Pit'."

And she starts playing, and she starts singing. And when she doesn't need to be playing and her hands are free, even she's not really sure how she does it, but she finds a way to channel her androidinous self to modify her own voice—just for a little bit, just to test it out. Just to see what happens, before she snaps back into the final lines of the song. And regardless of how it's received, once she's done, she puts the bass down and gently thanks the crowd. Her heart-simulacrum is pulsing faster than it should be as she gets off the stage, and she waits there in the wings in case she happened to inspire anyone with that performance.

b. the echo of what is and what will be [the shedding ceremony]

This is... not a good month for Anna outside of that, so far. For her time at the Snake Den, yes, she's still resonating with A2, and she's still who she thinks she is. But it never really takes long for her to start shedding her own skin again, and damn her brain but she can't stop fucking picking at it long enough to avoid the transformation.

The first time it happens, Anna emerges in a pure white dress that she's wasting no time in staining red. Her hair is longer, cleaner, and in lieu of a katana she's brandishing a blood-red shortsword in her battles with these beasts at the edge of the city. Taking zero precautions against pollution or corruption, she swings her blade right at the neck and lets the blood spray wash over her. When it stops, she hunches forward and shrieks out a strangely melodic note while the beast falls over dead. Her back straightens, and it's clear even from whatever distance anyone may be watching at that she's no longer entirely who people might know. The flower blossoming from her right eye is a good early warning sign, but you'd better act fast, because her good eye is a blazing red and she's rushing towards her spectator with that bloodblade at the ready.

The second time is much less interesting by comparison, but it's not doing her much good. Because the second time, she's just... a normal 29 year old. Both her eyes are fine, she's fully organic, and she doesn't know how to use a sword. In fact, she's taking her time and walking slowly through the streets of a town that she's starting to get to know better, wondering what her life even is anymore. Her Omni helps her keep connected with back home, sure, but nobody can get in touch with her no matter how hard she tries. And she woke up, for lack of a better word, with this katana that she's got on her back, and the first friendly-looking person she sees, she just asks outright, "Hey, uh. You have any idea why I would have a sword if I don't remember ever actually owning a sword?"

c. i am creation both haunted and holy [wildcard]

((got anything else you want to do? hit me up here or at

roseward!! also: source for the suit image and lyrics for the cover.))

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No one here.

[the ash falls to the ground instead.]

Not yet.

[ the coldness in that gaze finally breaks - replaced with a smirk. it almost feels worse than the emptiness.

almost. ]

See? Once you've put two and two together, it's really quite simple. [ it's her turn to reach into her own pocket, pulling out... a worn deck of cards. she empties it out, shuffling it with a practiced touch. ] Ten years ago... You can't have looked much older than me, then.

[ she neatens out the deck. she picks it up in one hand, face-down. and then, with the rapidity that only comes with practice, she uses a single hand to cycle through the cards of the deck. seven cards in, she flips it forward and onto the table.

spades. ace. ]

Practically an infant, if we use your standards.

[ flip. clubs. ace. ]

Were you both students? Classmates, perhaps? No, that's far too simple. [ another flip - the ace of diamonds, this time. ] There's no need to speak on the topic if you'd rather not, by the way. Consider it a curiosity, nothing more.

[ she pauses, dealing one more card face-down and pushing it forward with a finger. ]

It's simply been a while since I've seen something as sweet, [ she chuckles, ] as young love.

[anna glares a single dagger at her. it doesn't feel fantastic, being read so easily by someone who is clearly far older than she looks. it doesn't feel great getting proof that satoko has been telling the truth this whole time, either. but anna can't bring herself to get angry about it—it's not in her nature to push back that hard when confronted with facts, really, and the air of this place is making it harder for her to summon that energy anyway.]

[so instead, she leans forward and pulls the missing ace towards her. her cigarette still burns idly, the trail of smoke winding into the air like a serpent. few things remain constant about anna amarande, but she will always, always share the story of her truest love.]

I met her at a bar that neither of us was old enough to be in. She was my first friend in a city I didn't know anything about. She was the ship I boarded to make it safely through an unknown sea. And once I realized I was in love with her... [anna flips the ace. she can be dramatic, too.] She spun the wheel and changed the course of my life forever.

How romantic. [ and though that cold undercurrent doesn't leave, it's the first sentence that doesn't feel as though satoko's mocking her, either. there's a genuine interest there, a brief spark of something in those rosy eyes. ] I do hope you find her in this place. The loneliness that comes with each new world... It's a terrible thing, isn't it?

[ she picks up her cards, carefully setting them back into the deck and boxing it up once again. it's only when she's done that she says: ]

You're the first human- [ a beat. she laughs; her face crinkles with amusement, one sharp tooth peeking out past the rest. ] -terribly sorry. You're the first squid I've ever told.

[ is it a great honor, or a great weight? both, perhaps. satoko doesn't seem to have an opinion. ]

Consider it a debt repaid. You did save my life, after all, did you not? And while I'd have made it out eventually, drowning is such an undignified way to go...

[as satoko is putting her cards away, anna leans back and takes another long, slow pull off her cigarette. the loneliness that comes with each new world... if this were a few months ago, that would hurt her worse than it does. which isn't to say she's devoid of pain, as scant few people around here already know. she just knows she's not as lonely anymore.]

I didn't save you to be in your debt. [there's an open pause in her words, one that she might almost be allowing to give satoko room to interject. but she continues talking after just shy of too long, once the words take shape properly.]

I already know Rose won't ever find her way here, no matter how much I want it. But that's not a reason to let the world get any emptier when I find someone who isn't her washed up on that beach.

[ "that doesn't matter," she nearly says - but anna keeps speaking, and satoko's happy enough to let her. it's only when the other woman's said her piece that satoko responds. ]

If you're truly certain that she won't, I suppose. [ and there's a hint of something in that sentence. like she wants to argue, but doesn't quite care enough about the situation to do so. so she lets it drop, choosing to focus instead on anna's last words. ] You're kinder than most... whether or not you've any interest in acknowledging it.

[ tap. tap-

she reaches out, deftly snagging the lit cigarette from anna's lips. ]

Do take care of yourself. It'd be a shame for this place to lose that.

[that, it seems, is what gets anna's attention more than anything else so far. she narrows her eye and grabs for the cigarette, her fingers touching the back of satoko's hand as she does. (it feels better than it should and it's just the meaningless touch of another person.) her own fingers are firmer than they should be, but that's no surprise to satoko, is it?]

I don't have lungs. Give it back.

[ satoko's hand jerks back, dangling it just out of reach. there's something playful in it, yes, and something fond too - after all, isn't this how she'd play with the others in the club?

they may not be here, no. but that doesn't mean she can't find ways to pass the time. ]

My, but that only makes it worse! I can't imagine how difficult breathing already is for you. Perhaps I should hold onto the whole pack, don't you think?

[ see, now she's just being a little shit. ]

[for as big a deal as anna has made this whole time of being older and, presumably, more mature, she sure as hell doesn't seem too pleased by these little antics. anna reaches over further, her body turning with one palm going flat on the seat.]

I swear to god. I didn't run away from my mom just to get another one. [she's reaching further now, getting closer than she already was, with her head already hovering over satoko's body.] Gimme my fuckin' cig, dude, I'm not asking again.

Absolutely not! You'll simply have to take it.

[ and here is where the mood changes from "playful" to "outright joke." satoko can't hold back the laugh that escapes, high and delighted and thoroughly unreserved - nor can she stop the way she flops into the pillows at her side, gaining a bit more distance from the other woman at the cost of thoroughly cutting out her own mobility options.

a befanged grin crosses her lips. ]

Assuming you've the drive to do it, of course.

You're gonna set these pillows on fire. [it's a mutter, a grumble, and she puts her knees on the seat to fully crawl herself over to satoko's new position. now this? this is the kind of thing, she realizes a little too late to stop herself from doing it, that dirk was telling her about. the difference is that she still definitely feels like satoko has the upper hand.]

[one hand comes down, and her sleeve brushes satoko's side. her knees are encroaching on the time-looper's legs, and her tie hangs down to brush her stomach. her other hand finally comes up to reach one more time for the cigarette, and she hopes right now that it's enough to prove that she's dedicated to getting her life-giving nicotine stick back. because she's in the kind of position that she doesn't want to think about for too long.]

[ like this, she's only got so many options. she evades the first swipe, and makes a valiant attempt at the second, but before long the cigarette's back in anna's hands. satoko sighs theatrically, shaking her head and tutting her tongue before delivering the killing blow: ]

My, Miss Anna. If you were looking for a hug, you could have just asked.

[ it's delivered with that same teasing aura as always, and it's meant entirely in jest - not that that helps when she's struck the heart of the matter. ]

[under normal circumstances, anna would hold everything back. she would pull herself away and never let a single other person know that she is human and she needs to be loved (just like everybody else does). but here, with a lit cigarette in her hand, her entire body on top of someone who looks like a teenager, and her mind flooded with the strange magic of the snake den, it's feeling like an amazing time to be more honest with herself. her face, then, falls, and without realizing or meaning it, she is vulnerable.]

[her eye wide, her voice soft. her hand dangling with little smoke to show for it. it would make her feel weak or pathetic otherwise, but not now. not here.]

Do you mean it?

[she is not pleading. not yet.]

[ does she mean it? does she mean what, precisely-

oh. oh. ]

[ well... no, she didn't particularly mean it. and a part of her feels like she should probably admit that. but at the same time, now that it's been brought up, it isn't like she meant the opposite, right?

for the first time in the night, she looks beyond surprised. she looks like someone who genuinely didn't see something coming. she looks a bit vulnerable, herself, if only for a moment. even when she pulls herself together and huffs out a response- ]

Quite certainly! I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, would I?

[ -it still comes across as less in control than she's been this whole time. still, she sounds as though she's pulling herself back together as she lies back into the pillows and pats below her chin. ]

Come on, then. I'm not one to take back her offers.

Edited 2022-01-09 08:08 (UTC)

Bitte.

[she says it with no regard for whether satoko will understand and no desire to explain if she doesn't. her body takes a moment, like she doesn't remember how, or like she's wrestling with how this would look to people who might notice her.]

[she reaches out and snuffs the cigarette in the ashtray, and now that she's more able, she slowly crawls more on top of satoko. it's impossible to meet her eyes, but she can feel the frown on her own face communicating enough on its own. more obvious wants. more obnoxious transparency. everyone has already seen anna for who she is before she's even done anything. is that so wrong, here?]

[with caution like she's holding a porcelain doll, she touches satoko's arms, slides her hands underneath them. makes her hands meet around her back. her lower body settles slowly, carefully into place. it's a feeling that has aged, but she can't tell how well yet.]

[ even as she says she's fine with it, some last part of her manages to worry through the haze. she's not entirely sure she wants to be touched or held, right now - not by someone she's only met a few days prior. not in a public place, like this. and certainly not at this angle, nearly lying down, something a great deal more intimate than anything she's done for someone besides rika-

-but when anna's arms slide underneath her own, there's an undeniable nostalgia to the feeling. the softness of anna's body reminds her of shion, in some ways; the hesitation, the way her arms go beneath instead of above satoko's, that reminds her of rika. and the scent of freshly-breathed nicotine percolating about her reminds her of satoshi, as clear as day.

it's a soothing sort of feeling. it's a gentle sort of feeling. it is, she's starting to suspect, something she's needed just as much as anna. so she wraps her own arms back around anna's back, and when she feels the tension in the "older" woman's frame she pats gently and murmurs: ]

There, there. It'll be fine.

[ words she's heard a hundred time over. words she wasn't quite expecting to be saying to another, but words she knows well nonetheless. ]

[the scents and emotions of another person are hard to place. they're familiar to anna in the way a song from her childhood or a summertime friend are. memories of memories. shadows on the cave wall of her mind. but in the beginning here, she starts realizing that she doesn't need memories. this is happening to her, right now, and she can live in the present for the first time in too long.]

[things don't truly get complicated inside her head and heart until she feels satoko actually hug her back. she breathes out slowly but so shakily, like she's barely clinging to whatever passes for composure. what breaks her is the care in satoko's words. it feels sincere. it might be. it doesn't matter the truth when lies would affect her the same way.]

[she chokes a sob out against satoko's chest. free, open. afraid and lonely and in love and pain both at once. she is breaking herself open and doesn't know what will come out, but knows once it starts that her chains have held her in this position for too long.]

[ is it sincere? she's not sure herself. some part of her still feels distanced, far away, alone; some part of her feels that it's the realest thing she's ever felt. it's frightening, in a way. she's not used to it. ]

Shhh, shhh. I'm here.

[ it's strange. it's intimate. it's frightening. and she can't bring herself to dislike it - at least, not here, not in this place where her barriers have been eroded away like a frog in hot water. she continues to speak softly, thinking of the words satoshi and rika used to say to her when she needed consolation. ]

[god. she can't even bring herself to feel pathetic right now. this is turning into a full cry, a real one not just out of pain or relief but out of finally getting the one thing she has wanted for longer than she can remember. this hadn't happened since... since. god. since before she'd started her transformation into A2. and she had wanted that reassurance for so long, but by the time she'd come back to her actual reality, astin had disappeared. rose and freya were never touchy-feely. kara had found another girlfriend, and lillian was dead.]

[so she'd kept it all inside until now. now, as she's letting her tears stain satoko's shirt. as her crying gets harder to ignore. her fingers press into satoko's back. this poor girl who's so much older than she could ever let on. who didn't ask for an adult woman to have a breakdown on her. it's too bad that this, too, is anna's actual reality.]

[she may be here for a while. even when she finishes crying, which she can't predict (and who truly could?), she won't be able to speak. her body shakes.]

[ anna holds her close, like she might vanish if the woman lets go. and satoko understands that feeling, is the worst part. she understands it all too well. how many times has she broken down crying like this, across the years? how many times has rika?

she doesn't force anna to speak, and she doesn't try to leave. she just rests in her fortress of pillows, moving anna's head with each rise and fall of her chest. she breathes in... she breathes out. at some point, anna stops crying, and satoko stops speaking, and they just lay there like that.

it's nice. even now, it's still nice. ]

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the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

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