deercountry | the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Entry tags:

the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: January event catchall
When: January
Where: The Snake Den and around Trench

Content Warnings: Eye trauma, blood, swearing, artful robot nudity, will add as they come in

a. i will trust the artist molding me [the snake den]

Anna doesn't really need much help right now cutting loose at the Snake Den. Madam G has been on her list of Pthumerians to check out for a while, and even if there had been some kind of reluctance to begin with, now that she's here mingling in a borrowed suit she feels downright comfortable. It's like she's ten years younger, and though her voice is still smoky and she's still missing an eye as far as physical age goes, socially she's just. Free, right now. It's nice.

It's nice enough that, when she's not striking up conversation with other people, she decides to indulge herself in the open mic. Borrowing an electric bass from backstage, she walks up, sits down, plugs in, and grabs the mic. "This is one from back home," she says, "By a band called Silversun Pickups. It's about finding freedom and acceptance and love in the places and with the people that everyone else tells you to stay away from. They'll say that the only way to be who you are is to file yourself off. That you need to hold yourself back to make other people comfortable without ever worrying if you're comfortable." She's talking very passionately for someone who doesn't think of herself as a motivational speaker. With a confident look, she finally leads into the song. "Let's bury that lie, Trench. This is called 'The Pit'."

And she starts playing, and she starts singing. And when she doesn't need to be playing and her hands are free, even she's not really sure how she does it, but she finds a way to channel her androidinous self to modify her own voice—just for a little bit, just to test it out. Just to see what happens, before she snaps back into the final lines of the song. And regardless of how it's received, once she's done, she puts the bass down and gently thanks the crowd. Her heart-simulacrum is pulsing faster than it should be as she gets off the stage, and she waits there in the wings in case she happened to inspire anyone with that performance.

b. the echo of what is and what will be [the shedding ceremony]

This is... not a good month for Anna outside of that, so far. For her time at the Snake Den, yes, she's still resonating with A2, and she's still who she thinks she is. But it never really takes long for her to start shedding her own skin again, and damn her brain but she can't stop fucking picking at it long enough to avoid the transformation.

The first time it happens, Anna emerges in a pure white dress that she's wasting no time in staining red. Her hair is longer, cleaner, and in lieu of a katana she's brandishing a blood-red shortsword in her battles with these beasts at the edge of the city. Taking zero precautions against pollution or corruption, she swings her blade right at the neck and lets the blood spray wash over her. When it stops, she hunches forward and shrieks out a strangely melodic note while the beast falls over dead. Her back straightens, and it's clear even from whatever distance anyone may be watching at that she's no longer entirely who people might know. The flower blossoming from her right eye is a good early warning sign, but you'd better act fast, because her good eye is a blazing red and she's rushing towards her spectator with that bloodblade at the ready.

The second time is much less interesting by comparison, but it's not doing her much good. Because the second time, she's just... a normal 29 year old. Both her eyes are fine, she's fully organic, and she doesn't know how to use a sword. In fact, she's taking her time and walking slowly through the streets of a town that she's starting to get to know better, wondering what her life even is anymore. Her Omni helps her keep connected with back home, sure, but nobody can get in touch with her no matter how hard she tries. And she woke up, for lack of a better word, with this katana that she's got on her back, and the first friendly-looking person she sees, she just asks outright, "Hey, uh. You have any idea why I would have a sword if I don't remember ever actually owning a sword?"

c. i am creation both haunted and holy [wildcard]

((got anything else you want to do? hit me up here or at

roseward!! also: source for the suit image and lyrics for the cover.))

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".. a song?"

Despite Ange's relatively more carefree attitude at the moment, it seems like that statement still manages to surprise her. At first her eyes grow wider as she stares at the other, but then a hint of definite embarrassment appears on her face.

"Ah.. no way, I'm no good with music at all." She shakes her head. "I could never do something like you just did on top of the stage."

Especially since Anna had actually sounded good. No, more than just plain good.

That protest makes Anna look at Ange like she's grown another head. The question she replies with is just so honest, and so is everything that follows it.

"So? You don't have to be good at it. I didn't start off great, but I learned how 'cause I wanted to do cool stuff with my friends. If you wanna learn how to play or sing something romantic for Rubes, then, like, everyone starts off somewhere."

She doesn't really know how to say it without coming off like she's downplaying her own performance, but it doesn't matter. "Do it for the love of doing it, do it for yourself, do it for whatever. You don't have to be a pro to try something new."

Ange looks absolutely speechless at those words. It's so much harder because she knows Anna means it - and especially because Anna's personality isn't too far off from Ange's own. It means that she's way less likely to throw her advice aside, like she might have done to someone more naturally cheery and happy-go-lucky, assuming that they just don't understand her.

It means she lingers like that for a moment, just looking surprised, before she starts looking more vaguely embarrassed instead. Even with the extroversion she's got to deal with this month, this is still.. a lot to process.

"I.. I don't know." It's the honest truth, at least. If she were her regular self, she definitely would have covered it up, downplayed it, rather than being honest with Anna right here and now. "It doesn't feel like it suits me. If I do something special for her, I really want it to be something that's mine, you know? Not me pretending to be something I'm not for her sake."

"Then that's okay, too."

It's really that simple, and Anna backs away from the idea. She doesn't even look embarrassed by it. "Music is the kind of thing that I really, really relate to, but it's not for everyone. For me, it's just... been there when nothing else was, you know?" She won't get into it. She's trying very, very hard not to turn this around. They're having a good conversation.

"But if it's not yours, then that's okay. As long as you answer me something first, Ange." Oh, the coming question should be the most obvious thing in the world. "What is yours?"

She does see that question coming before it lands.

And when it does? Honestly, she'd rather be talking about how important music is to Anna, since it actually does seem to be a positive thing within the shitshow that seems to have been part of the other's life. But Ange knows that it's way too late to turn this car around when she's already hearing the question, and she winces just a tad.

"Well, I.. don't really know that either," she honestly admits.

What other choice is there to be honest in this place, even when the reality of said honesty is kind of embarrassing?

"I'm still kind of figuring out who I am." She pauses, something awkward in her expression. ".. If that makes sense?"

Look, she knows that sounds like a really lame thing to say when you're 20. (Especially when twenty year olds love thinking that they already got to have the entire world figured out somehow.)

"Oh, it definitely makes sense," she agrees easily. "You got time. It took me what felt like forever to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and honestly? Took an act of some kind of god to put me on the right path in the first place."

For as dour as she can be, as much as she can get within her own head, right now she's feeling open and honest and comfortable within her element, so she can actually say what's on her mind and in her heart. And it turns out that despite everything else, there's some pretty good stuff in there.

"Take life at your own pace, Ange. I know I've been joking about getting married and stuff, but if you're not ready for it, you're not ready. Don't force stuff. You have time." An earnest smile. "I promise. I still don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but I'm having a good time while I'm here. I'll figure it out, and so will you."

".. we have time," she slowly repeats.

It's still such an odd concept to Ange. They have time. They have an entire life ahead of them they can still plan out, or just see what happens along the way. When it was only a year or two ago that Ange just wanted that life to end right away, it feels both intimidating and like a marvel that there is now an entire life still ahead of her, hers to fill up.

"Don't worry. Me and Ruby.. We'll end up like that someday." She sounds so sure of it too. After all, she can't even imagine her and Ruby separating. Not voluntarily, nor because of this place somehow doing it for them. Their promise feels too strong to be broken by something like that.

It's a definite piece of her future - it's just that it still has to fully find its place in it.

"As for you and me figuring out what we're going to do with our lives.. maybe we should get at least a little bit of inspiration, before we end up being awkward losers for the rest of our lives."

At least she does mean that as a joke, judging by her tone, and the faint smile playing around her lips.

And it registers as one, and Anna laughs with her whole chest at it. "Please. Nothing wrong with being an awkward loser. Some of my best friends are awkward losers," she says, and she holds back from adding that Ange is definitely dating one, but even if she did it would probably be clear that it's supposed to be extremely affectionate.

"Inspiration usually hits when we're not looking for it. In the meantime, I'm gonna be hanging out around here, learning more songs, doing more open mics. You know, when I'm not trying to keep the town and the people I care about safe."

It's not a bad balance she's trying to strike. It's a purpose all her own, and one that she thinks A2 can be happy with, too. It seems like she's finally starting to swing back into the idea of telling destiny to eat shit and fall off its metaphorical horse.

"You know how it is. Work hard, play hard, and make sure as many other people get the chance to do that, too."

It's a sentiment Ange can very well understand - though she knows that she's tending to lean a little more on the helping people and keeping the place safe side right now. Though it's not necessarily due to denying herself pleasure as much as it is that she doesn't really.. know.. what her own way of having fun is like..

(Other than watching dumb action movies with her girlfriend, anyway.)

"Well, if you ever perform again, you should make sure to invite me." It's not like Ange usually hangs around spots where people perform music, after all, so she wouldn't easily catch it by coincidence.

And-- "I wouldn't want to miss it."

Well, that's. Damn near heartwarming, is what it is. Being told that her hobby is something that people actually enjoy seeing and want to be invited to. Give her a second while she pretends it's not a huge deal. (It is a huge deal.) She brushes her hair out of her eye and looks out at the crowd of people who aren't the two of them, and briefly wonders what it'd be like to see this kind of turnout with more familiar faces in the crowd, and that as it turns out is also very heartwarming. So she decides.

"You got it. Next time I come up for one of these, you're invited. Especially if I'm showing off something new." God. This is such a normal thing, really, but it's been so long that it feels bizarre. "That's a promise."

"Sounds good to me. Don't forget me when you're famous."

Obviously the last part is a joke, said playfully, but on the other hand.. would it so strange for Anna to become relatively well known? It's not like they've got that many people who can put on a decent musical number here, right? And Ange certainly doesn't think Anna's performance was bad in the slightest today.

If anything, she's really got a unique spirit to it. One that really works in her favour, as far as Ange is concerned.

"I want to be mentioned in the inevitable award speech." Okay, maybe she's pushing it a little now. But if Ange is reading Anna right - or rather, if she's reading Anna's reaction right as the one Ange would give to cover up flattered embarrassment - then she doesn't think it hurts for the other to get her self-confidence boosted a little when it comes to this. If not just her enjoyment of making music for people she knows.

"Oh, come on," she jokes, except she's being a little more serious than that when she continues. "I could never forget you, Ange."

She means it. And this is coming from a girl for whom memory is... kind of integral to everything and everyone she is now. If she says she's not gonna forget someone, she tries her damnedest to mean it.

"If they ever do any award shows up here that I happen to win, you're gonna be one of the first people I thank. That's a promise." It's a stark difference and even she recognizes it, but if she can talk about this enough then she's going to be able to avoid that embarrassment even better. See, win-win. "Or hell, maybe I'll find a way to record a solo album and throw you in the liner notes. Or get you to read a spoken word passage over my music or something. People love that stuff."

It is easy to tell that Anna is being so sincere about this. It's that edge to her tone that betrays as much.

Though perhaps it's not that surprising. After all, Ange has already known that Anna is surprisingly kind. It's definitely not something Ange is taking for granted though, considering how crappy people often were to her back home. It makes someone like Anna so refreshing, especially since she's kind without also being a social extrovert menace to Ange.

"Thanks."

It's a surprisingly sincere answer to Anna's own sincerity, and Ange smiles.

A moment later she moves in to hug the other. It's very, very brief, even though the hug happening in the first place is very much powered by the fact that Ange does have some more social energy to spend this month than she usually does.. but even that isn't enough energy to make it a long lasting hug, apparently.

"Not just for this, I mean. For everything. I'm glad I got to meet you." Especially with the way Anna instinctively seems to understand Ange in some ways. Perhaps it's just because parts of their personality are so similar, but..

It's still nice.

Oh.

Well, that's. Not bad.

While she has the chance, Anna hugs Ange back. It might not last long, but that it's lasting at all is an enormous deal in the first place. (Plus, it feels really nice, right now. Not desperately so, but it's always its own form of validation when this kind of thing happens.)

"I'm glad, too," she agrees, keeping her voice at a little more of a personal level between them. She might be a little more extroverted and happy right now, but she's still not gonna broadcast these things to just everyone. "Don't know if I'd be up here without you. Thanks for getting me to stop holing up inside myself."

Her hand stays on Ange's shoulder, and she gives it a grateful squeeze. "I owe you. I mean it."

It's be easy to turn that down. To say Anna doesn't owe her anything - because Ange sure doesn't feel like it. Why should the other owe her? Because Ange was nice to her, and listened to her problems?

It's something that every decent human being - in Ange's eyes - ought to do. So it doesn't count.

But what is very clear to Ange is the fact that this is important to Anna. So she won't deny it. Instead she just smiles a little at the other.

"How about you make sure to stick around for long enough here to play at my and Ruby's wedding?" Not that it.. will happen anytime soon, Ange thinks. (Though she's pretty sure it'll happen at some point.) But if Anna is throwing around the idea into Ruby's mind, then who knows. "That'd be enough of a repayment for me."

Anna takes promises as seriously as she can, but most of the time they're about fighting enemies and protecting people. This is a promise about still being there for two people who are so much in love to help celebrate their wedding day together. And it's only because it's new to her that she doesn't immediately answer; she needs to process the weight of it.

But nor does she leave Ange waiting for long. She smiles, nods her head. "I can keep that promise," she says with complete sincerity. "And I can't wait to be there to see it all happen. Nobody's, um." Sigh. "I've never been invited to a wedding before. So when it happens, I'm gonna do my best to make it the best night of your life."

"Well," Ange admits. "At this rate, it might be the first wedding I've ever attended too."

It's meant to be a little more light, almost humorous. She wouldn't be surprised if she got roped into attending another wedding here before that day can come - but it's more a show of funny solidarity, more than anything else. Ange truly never has been to any wedding before either, after all.

Maybe it's just one of those little ways in which she and Anna are more similar than they'd think.

"So at least you know that we'll both be trying to figure all of it out."

"Thank god." Not that Ange hasn't been to any other weddings, but. "I have no idea how I'd handle if I was the only asshole without any idea how to actually act at one of those. I'm definitely showing up in this, though," she says, tugging at the shirt. "I look damn good like this. If MG lets me keep it, maybe I'll add it to my normal rotation."

Oh, shit. "I could just do gigs dressed like this. Make a name for myself as the hottest, butchest android in the town, and her close friend Ange, a literal goddamn princess bride." Because what else is she supposed to call a dress like that? "God. Sometimes life really is good."

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the balance of complete and incomplete [open]

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cw: reference to past suicidal ideation

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