deercountry | January Catch-All

[Easy now... not everyone was great at reading people. Keith had more trouble than most...

But, that said, Lance wasn't really wrong. He would eventually figure it out. He already had suspicions that things weren't right from what he knew of Lance already, and was definitely worried. He was very aware that trauma could do horrible things to a person, and the explanation of Deerington trauma was acceptable enough, but Keith was definitely going to start wanting additional details, soon.

Either way, he wanted Lance to come to him on his own. Sure, these memory things were definitely pushing that timeline along, and Keith knew that. But he himself was trying really hard not to demand answers and to be the one to force Lance to talk about something he wasn't ready to.

He'd be lying, though, if he said he wasn't relieved when Lance did decide to share something.]

The monsters here can do that stuff? [That was definitely worrying. And considering Keith's history and that memory that had just been dragged out, he didn't doubt that could be a thing. His question about was more rhetorical than anything. He certainly had no reason not to believe Lance. His brow creased in worry for his friend.]

That sounds hard to deal with. [He didn't blame Lance. He wasn't angry at him or disappointed. He didn't doubt that Lance would have tried to fight back. But Keith was starting to get the impression that monsters in this world were crazy strong, stronger than what they'd ever faced back home, and that was scary.

He also got the impression that Lance's words indicated that the 'fix' didn't work.]

[Lance shrugs at the question, still coiled in on himself in that same defensive and closed off posture. Still bracing for some kind of shift between them, for Keith to finally get how messed up he is now and not recognize him. Pull away from him because he's not the same and see through all the ways he tries to act like who everyone knows him to be to hold onto something normal and 'be himself' when the truth is he has no idea who that is anymore.

Because the first time he and Keith were connected by a red string, their thoughts were connected and his mind freaked Keith out and he pulled away. Lance could never really figure out if maybe he just didn't understand it even though Lance sort of explained it. Regardless, it had hurt and scared him away from letting Keith see too much, so this is especially hard for him. God his thoughts are often like a record caught on a snag and at least five bands competing for dominance in the background. Finally, he pulls himself out of it and replies.]

It was… one monster in the nightmare a long time ago. There hasn't been one like it since. So… I dunno if there's monsters like that in Trench.

[Then he tenses more when Keith mentions it being hard and struggles about what to say, feeling too vulnerable. Yet, the emotional input he's getting from him makes him hopeful. But that's the thing about being a little crazy, he can't always tell what's real, especially when he's stressed. He glances sidelong at Keith like he's considering asking something and then swallows and shuts down, turning away again.]

It used to be worse. What Moira did didn't fix it completely, but it helped.

Hopefully there aren't. [There was definitely something, and Keith wasn't sure what to think about this weird tension or whatever it was between them, but he nodded as Lance mentioned that, while it hadn't been a perfect fix, it had at least been an improvement.] So... better than nothing, yeah? [Keith hesitated for a second, feeling like he should do more, but not sure if Lance would be okay with it. But, he finally just... made the move.

He reached over and put his hand on Lance's shoulder. Yeah, part of it was a reciprocation of the support Lance had showed through his own memory, but part of it was just trying to support his friend and be a good friend to him.]

[This time, the touch comes at the right moment, when he's internally struggling with his fear about how Keith will feel about what he's just learned. Fear that it'll scare him off again, that he'll be left adrift and doubting and wondering what he thinks and feels about it. But the words and touch don't instantly assuage those feelings, it sparks a moment for him to hope enough that he opens up a bit more.

His breath hitches a bit and he turns to look at Keith, a flash of that vulnerability visible in his expression. His brows draw together in a way that makes him look almost younger, like a kid fearing a change, a shift or a loss… rejection.]

It… it doesn't freak you out?

[Keith looked down for a moment and then shrugged.]

You're still my friend. You didn't freak out and abandon me when I found out I was half Galra. Friends don't just give up on each other.

[Granted, he'd be lying if he said it wasn't kind of intimidating to think about. But he still cared about Lance and wanted to help him if he could.]

[Lance scoffs lightly, but in a soft way that says despite certain reservations he still has… Keith saying that meant a lot to him. That's further shown in the way he relaxes ever so slightly. But still, he has some counter points.]

Not freaking out over you being half Galra is a pretty low bar to reach, Keith. Genes don't define you, that's something every kid on Earth learns by age five.

[He specifies 'on Earth' because it was very different for them compared to Allura who was informed by war trauma and lost her planet. Not that it excuses how she treated Keith, in his opinion. Back then, he was too much of an idiot to know what to do or say in the face of that situation, but he always knew it was wrong and just decided to treat Keith the same as he always had as the best way he knew to show support for him.]

…I just told you I'm half crazy and I've killed innocent people. [Even as he says it, part of him is screaming at him to stop pushing it. Does he really hate himself that much that he'd keep trying to prove to Keith exactly why he should turn his back on him even though that's something he deeply fears? It appears, the answer is yes.] Freaking out would be the sane, normal thing to do here.

[And somehow, he's managing to inject some flat humor with that use of the word 'sane' and in his delivery. Because that's how he copes.]

And everyone keeps telling me what kind of place that nightmare was before. From the way I understand it, you guys were trying to survive. You did what you had to. [Keith frowned a little.]

Look. I'm not saying that it's not a lot to think about. But, none of us freaked out about Shiro for the things he had to do to survive in the Galra arena. No, we don't know all the details from it, even Shiro doesn't because of what he had to repress, but we can pretty much guess.

You need someone to be there for you, not freak out on you.

What would you do if this was reversed?

[Dammit, Keith. Don't use logic on him. His arms tighten where they'e crossed and he looks down and away. He definitely understands the things Shiro has endured and the memory loss, but Keith knows that from what little Lance was willing to admit in their other conversations.]

…Man, that's not fair. Don't turn this around like that, you know I'd totally do the same if this was reversed. [His voice trembles a bit with the overwhelming complex and conflicting emotions he's experiencing. He swallows it down.] …I guess I just can't help thinking that if the memory we were watching right now was… one of the things I did and you saw it for yourself…

[He shakes his head, unable to finish that sentence. It's hard to direct the compassion he'd show other people on himself when he still struggles with PTSD, survivor's guilt and blame.]

You're right. I do know you would. You deserve the same in return.

[Keith squeezed a bit on Lance's shoulder.]

It wouldn't change anything. [He shook his head.] Struggling to survive, that can do things to you and make you do things you wouldn't otherwise.

Sometimes... good people have to do bad things, but that doesn't automatically change them into bad people.

You're still a good person, Lance.

[His further hunching posture says that he is really struggling to agree that he deserves the same, but he knows better than to argue. And the rest… the rest feels like the emotional equivalent of trying to cut out infected flesh from a lot of wounds and treat it. It hurts like hell and he's mentally jerking away from it in denial but he also knows it's not exactly wrong even if his damaged mind revolts from allowing him any peace or acceptance.

And he has no idea what to say because dammit, he has strong feelings for this asshole, and holding on to the painful sides of their history that Keith doesn't remember has helped shield him from the pain of losing all the good. And now here Keith is, countering everything from before and sincerely and it hurts the way it makes his heart feel.]

I-I… um… [His voice shakes, he doesn't have any idea what to say and he's feeling vulnerable and his walls are going up, and the memory is shifting-] Wait. S-something's happening-

[Suddenly, they are outside again and the town is no longer gothic and strange, it is back to being a regular 1950s era town. It's also December, that's clear enough from the snow and the immense almost unnatural cold… that neither of them feels that much anyway. The building they are standing outside of is full concrete reinforced by steel, it's drab but sturdy and looks like a mid-century modern government facility. The memory has already started and a younger Lance is making his way to the doors. The present day Lance standing beside Keith swallows, knowing what this is immediately.]

…Oh. This… might get dangerous.

[That shift was still annoying, even thought they'd been through several times by now between the two memories, but now it seemed they were seeing a third one? Keith was momentarily confused, and, well, kind of frustrated that Lance had been cut off in his reply. He sighed.]

Dangerous?

[Okay, his own memory had already been pretty dangerous. What the heck was going to happen here?]

[You didn't miss much, Keith. It was just gonna be some stammering because he doesn't know how to respond to being told he's a good person and all that nice stuff when he's got so much damage that argues otherwise, and then he was just gonna give up and nod silently. So this is a blessing, you see. Only not, because it's a tough memory. He heaves a sigh.]

This is when she gave me the injection. She warned me there could be side effects so I took a couple months to finally go through with it.

[Awkwardly, he clears his throat and watches as his past self mutter to himself again but not for as long. It holds a different level of discomfort to see now that he has told Keith what that's about. Then he holds something to a stone by the door and enters the building.

This time current Lance gestures for Keith to follow so they can slip in the door instead of being warped inside. The inside of the building is large and official looking, a facility. The words F.E.A.R. Headquarters are mounted on the wall in the entry, and there's hundreds of names scrawled on the inside of the front door and the wall around it in blood. His past self is heading down the hall in the direction of the laboratory further in.]

[Maybe so, but Keith would stand by what he said.]

Right... the 'fix' you guys were talking about...

[Keith was saying that mostly to himself, confirming Lance's words in his own head as he followed along. He noted the muttering, understanding it better now, at least. It didn't make it any better or worse, honestly. It would take some time to process that for him to really figure out how he felt, so he wasn't going to dwell on it right now. They had this memory to get through.

And then there was the sign. Interesting choice of acronym, for sure. He felt almost like they were sneaking in, but avoiding the weird glitchy warp jump thingy was worth it.]

Big place.

[Lance nods in confirmation, yes the 'fix'. And he's pensive, wondering if he should warn Keith about what he's about to see. Since Keith arrived, he's avoided him and his powers have only shown up once and he neglected to explain.

For now, he looks around at their surroundings when Keith comments on it and talks about F.E.A.R. in the meantime.]

Yeah, I actually helped build it with some wild time loop thing. It's the headquarters for First Encounter Assault Recon. It was a paramilitary organization about as old as Deerington itself, made up to protect people from monsters and all that.

[Ugh. Time loops. Keith had really started to hate just how non-linear time actually was the more he discovered about it. But, he nodded.]

So... why 'FEAR'? It sounds a little like someone came up with a name just so that they could have that acronym.

[They are pretty headache inducing, though in this case, Lance just kind of sees it as cool. Even if everything sort of fell apart in the end when they all found out some hard truths.]

I dunno, it was started by the first sleeper, Ramona. She sort of became a powerful influence in the dream later on and I never got to ask because she… kind of lost her mind.

[And now memory Lance ahead of them is coming upon a door to the Labs. He hesitates and gets lost in thought, expression going distant as he stands there. Then he pulls out of it and with a determined set of his jaw, he knocks on the door. It takes just a couple moments before Moira opens the door and immediately invites him into the labs.

Again, current Lance moves to slip inside as well, assuming Keith will follow suit. As they do, Moira is speaking, "You'll want to sit in the actual exam chair this time. Holding you down won't work as well with something so much more... invasive." There's a pause before she wrinkles her forehead. "How are you feeling?"

Memory Lance tenses and visibly winces when she says 'invasive' due to the torture he suffered that helped lead him to this radical choice. Then swallows as he heads over to the exam chair as she instructed and thinks about how to answer her question, it's not long before he seems to just decide to be honest, though in a bit of a humorous way: "Like I'm about to puke." It's the first thing that comes to mind, then he adds hastily: "Not that I'm gonna... I didn't eat anything today."

"At least it won't make quite as much of a mess this time then, hm?" Moira jokes with a bit more gentleness than she'd have normally. Then she goes to brush a sensor thermometer over his forehead and starts doing prep and checks.]

Mm. [The thought that occurred to Keith then was that was something to look forward to, though it was a sarcastic thought. But, he kept it to himself. After what he'd seen so far and what Lance had revealed, a phrase like that felt like a bad idea.

He followed Lance through the door, knowing he'd just be yanked through anyway if he didn't, and then stayed just inside it, but behind present Lance. He tried to be close enough to be supportive. His jaw clenched at the whole 'strapping down' thing. That sounded... bad. The Garrison had done that to Shiro after he crashed back on Earth... it was the first thing that came to Keith's mind when Moira mentioned it.

As she began her initial checks, Keith put his hand on the back of Lance's shoulder again.]

[Moira finishes the temp and pulse check then moves on, "I'm going to give you something to help calm your nerves as well as some pain medication to hopefully dull some of the reaction. You may feel a bit disoriented, but it should pass." There's a beat before she adds: "If you decide to change your mind at any time before the injection, don't hesitate to speak up."

Lance is sitting awkwardly on the chair and looks uneasy as he takes in stabilizing and calming breaths to keep his heart rate normal. Current Lance looks apprehensive and blinks a few times at what his past self says in response, expression looking like he's hearing it for the first time.

"I don't... think I have a choice," He looks down at his hands and admits for the first time out loud: "It's actually... gotten worse ...and worse. If I don't do this, then... I know it's only a matter of time before... before I completely lose myself."

Moira nods in understanding as she pulls the sleeve of his shirt up with one hand to get it out of the way, "While I can't get rid of the traumas themselves, this should at least reduce the physical aspects contributing to it all, if not reverse them entirely. I've no reason to believe it won't be successful."

She then injects him with the drugs for his nerves and places a cotton swab over the site, "Let me know when you're ready."

Lance huffs beside Keith and decides it's now or never to explain what's abut to happen.] It helped. But there were side effects that… made stuff hard in another way.

[Keith watched quietly, trying really hard to remember that this was a memory and couldn't be changed. He wanted to run over there, grab Lance, and keep him from going through with whatever this was going to be. There had to be a better way, right? No reason to think it wouldn't be successful doesn't mean it actually will.

But he was trying to stay steady. This had been Lance's choice, a choice he'd made while feeling alone and scared. Maybe it wasn't the best, but they couldn't change that, and had to learn to deal with whatever came next, right? And, yeah... they had believed it would work.

Keith swallowed and then looked at Lance as he spoke. Okay, so it helped- what? He frowned.]

Side effects?

[Lance's eyes dart to Keith and then back to his memory. It's going to start in am moment, he better just blurt it out. Keith's going to see it anyway.]

Well… there's risks to messing with genetics. One of those risks is uh…

[He raises his hand to activate his powers. His hand glows bright, seems to transform into pure energy in the shape of a hand, with arcs of plasma coming off of it. He's able to control the brightness enough so it doesn't hurt to look at it.

Then he turns it off just as his memory self eventually replies to Moira after letting the drugs take hold and steeling his resolve: "Let's do it."

Moira nods and starts strapping him down to the table.]

So, this is where that comes from? [The question was rhetorical, though... just Keith confirming it aloud for himself. At the sound of the memory continuing, Keith turned back to watch again, frowning at the way she strapped him down. Honestly, it seemed like foreshadowing in a creepy horror movie, and Keith could feel his heartrate pick up in response. He knew on a base level that Lance had been desperate, and he could understand. He'd been seeking help, and thought he found it.

After a moment, watching Moira finish securing the straps and moving to the next step, Keith gave Lance's arm a soft squeeze. He knew that if Lance had just told him this whole thing, just said it, Keith probably would have been more upset. But, watching it this way, seeing everything happen, getting the sense of what was going on and why, he felt himself feeling more sympathy than being upset.]

Yeah… it was kind of uh, explosive. So you should stand behind me.

[He then shifts to put himself between Keith and the memory as Moira finishes strapping him down. Then she turns to grab a syringe of purple fluid that looks almost like it's glowing and reassures Lance: "It shouldn't last long."

Then he's injected and it doesn't take long before Lance starts seizing and thrashing in pain on the table. He screams and there's a web of lightning spreading on his skin from the injection site. It is glowing the same bright cosmic colors as what Lane just showed Keith on his hand and more. It looks like an exploding nebula under his skin and Moira seems to notice something going wrong right away and steps outside the room. He… hadn't realized she did that and isn't prepared to follow her out before the door shuts.

So when the explosion of cosmic and stellar energy, matter and whatnot erupts from his memory self's every cell, he's braced to absorb it into himself as it reaches them. It's so hot and searing that it incinerates and melts everything in the area but it's brief enough that the aftermath looks more like a small nuclear bomb went off in the room. And he's passed out on the table after all that. The current Lance still has his hands raised as he focuses on controlling the radiation in the room and keeping it away from their little bubble and he's glowing gently.]

[Explosive? But Keith really didn't have much time to ask before the memory continued and moved right into the moment that explained Lance's word choice. Keith glanced after Moira in concern. This was her experiment, after all, and it was going really really wrong, from what Keith could see. When the explosion goes, the brightness was enough to get Keith to squeeze his eyes shut, and he crossed his arms like bracing for a hit, generating a protective wall of ice around himself... and Lance. While Lance's ability kept the radiation itself away enough to not test the limits on Keith's powers at the moment, the ice definitely pushed against the heat as long as Keith was able to focus on it. It was still melting, of course, but he was constantly regenerating it, which made for a growing puddle on the floor around their feet... until that reached the edge of Lance's own protection, and then it turned to steam from the lingering heat outside that little bubble.]

Holy fuck... [Keith's voice was a breathy whisper.] I thought she said nothing was going to go wrong. She ran out!

Yeah, people tend to do that when they see the start of an explosion.

[Lance counters, because Moira is important to him. Then he lets out a breath and crosses his arms, looking down.] And she didn't say nothing would go wrong, she said she didn't have reason to think it would. But she told me a long time ago there were risks.

[He shakes his head and is practically hugging himself now, as he tries not to let the exposed feeling of having all this laid bare before someone else overpower him.] I know it looks bad, but I lived, right?

[He's clearly unconscious and it was excruciating, but memory Lance can be seen shallowly breathing on the table in the middle of the destroyed lab.]

[Keith didn't look convinced that this was at all a "good thing", and he almost blurted out something along the lines of living through torture, but he mentally bit his tongue.

No. Lance didn't need snarky, smartass responses right now. He took a deep breath, pushing down that temper. He'd gotten better at controlling it after two years with his mom on the back of a space whale, but he still had his moments.]

Yeah... I guess there's that. [He frowned a little.] I know you were desperate, and you're dealing with the aftermath of all this now... and there was... that... [Talk about suffering...] But... [He stopped himself. He wanted to tell Lance that he hated the fact that he'd taken such a huge risk like that. He wanted to tell him that he wasn't sure if he himself would have done something like that, and Keith was a risk-taker. But, at the same time, he knew that it wasn't the right time to say those things. For Lance, this had been a long time ago now. Keith was pretty sure all of that had already occurred to him, or had been said by others.

He finally looked up again, searching Lance's face.]

Was it worth it?

January Catch-All

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