Anna Amarande (
hauntedsavior) wrote in
deercountry2022-02-08 08:08 pm
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Entry tags:
can't relax at all these days [temp closed]
Who: Anna Amarande and you!
What: February event catchall
When: February
Where: Anna's house, more locations as they come in
Content Warnings: Violence, violence a second time, sexual content, more as they come in
a. a dream plays a song out of tune [closed to satoko and kainé]
Well, texting a witch who looks several years her junior for 2AM cuddle sessions is not necessarily Anna's best plan, but she doesn't really know anyone else who's good for it. She could ask her new roommate, sure, but... ha. Yeah, right, like K is interested in cuddling. She'd probably just call Anna a fucking loser and tell her to go hug a pillow. Which leaves this text hanging in the air.
Satoko.
You wanna come over?
And, because she can't just leave it at that, she sends something else that should probably already be obvious a moment later. It must be something about the moon this month that's making her chest ache for physical contact. Maybe it's just February. She hasn't had a reason to celebrate the 14th in a long time and doubts anyone around here celebrates it either, but that doesn't stop her mind from wandering.
Having another rough night.
Now to wait. Should she warn Satoko about anything? Probably not.
((right now this is closed but i will add more open prompts as my brain begins to work better))
What: February event catchall
When: February
Where: Anna's house, more locations as they come in
Content Warnings: Violence, violence a second time, sexual content, more as they come in
a. a dream plays a song out of tune [closed to satoko and kainé]
Well, texting a witch who looks several years her junior for 2AM cuddle sessions is not necessarily Anna's best plan, but she doesn't really know anyone else who's good for it. She could ask her new roommate, sure, but... ha. Yeah, right, like K is interested in cuddling. She'd probably just call Anna a fucking loser and tell her to go hug a pillow. Which leaves this text hanging in the air.
Satoko.
You wanna come over?
And, because she can't just leave it at that, she sends something else that should probably already be obvious a moment later. It must be something about the moon this month that's making her chest ache for physical contact. Maybe it's just February. She hasn't had a reason to celebrate the 14th in a long time and doubts anyone around here celebrates it either, but that doesn't stop her mind from wandering.
Having another rough night.
Now to wait. Should she warn Satoko about anything? Probably not.
((right now this is closed but i will add more open prompts as my brain begins to work better))
no subject
[it's her fault, as always. she can't let go of the past. she can't let go of when things were better for her, before her life changed forever. before rose walked out of her life, before her body turned into this. this machine that barely feels like she owns it on her worst days. it's her fault that kainé is looking like this. it's welling up inside her. she has to confess. she has to confess what her roommate already knows. hasn't she already hurt herself enough? her fist clenches.]
Don't you dare fucking say that! I didn't even see her in you until you already said yes! [this isn't helping. why isn't it helping. why can't she find the right words to make this better? why don't they exist? why is she the one who's going to start crying soon?] Believe whatever the fuck you want, but I asked you to live here because I care about you, Kainé.
[not for any other reason. not for any other reason. it can't go back to the beginning like this. she has to be right. she has to be a good person. she can't lose this, too. her words are sort of coming back to her. she's on the defensive now and it scares her worse than any battle ever has.]
'Cause when I asked you to move in with me, it wasn't because of her. I saw myself in you.
no subject
But after a moment, something softer comes over her fierce features. Anna is pleading, and desperate. She's hurt and afraid like Kainé is, to lose this connection that ended up contextualizing her whole life here. She's hurt and bitter, betrayal seethes in the back of her brain, but... these past few weeks haven't been the actions of somebody that just wanted to fuck her and use her as an emotional replacement. Not just that, anyway. She squeezes her eyes shut. ]
She's gone. And I'm not her. I'll never be her. [ And Anna will always only be Anna. ] I'm not fucking here to replace somebody I never goddamn met. I ain't even here to be your mirror to feel better about yourself with.
[ But fuck she wants to believe her. She wants that so bad. She wants far more than that. No matter how harsh her words are, she wants to take and take from this woman. ]
I... saw myself too. It's been... good. Really good. Being around you.
[ She sighs tiredly, despite everything seething in her brain, fear and distrust coiling in her amygdala. And something far warmer, somewhere else. ]
no subject
[she considers the way she could shout about how she knows that rose is gone. how there's no way the two of them will ever get back together and how there hasn't been a way for that in years. how terrifyingly lonely it's been for anna to exist here, how it's the first time she's been without rose (or anyone she knows) in over a decade of her life. but she also thinks about how little that actually matters in the face of things. kainé isn't rose, and by comparing the two, by bringing rose up every chance she gets, it's only going to make things worse. that's the only thing it can ever do.]
[so she doesn't bring up rose. not for now, at least. she needs to talk to kainé as who they both are first.]
And it's been good being around you. I've lived here for... five months now and it's only in the last few weeks that it feels like I'm finally getting comfortable here. And I think that's because of you. I have someone to come home to now. I have to get out of bed and get dressed and be a person every day. I can't... stay up all night crying and drinking alone anymore, you know?
[she's putting a lot on her roommate's shoulders and she knows it, and that's part of the problem here, too. she tilts her head up and tries to fix kainé with some kind of grateful look, but it's been so long since she's done it properly, done it like this, that she's not sure if her face can totally get there.]
It doesn't matter who I see in you. I need to treat you like Kainé. And I swear to god I've been trying to, but I just... need to try harder. And I'm sorry that I've been putting so many expectations on you that you were never going to be able to live up to.
cw: child sexual abuse, intersexphobia
At least that means that Kainé is needed, right? That's a real consolation in her misery. They're both sick. From this curse, yes, but they've been sick much longer. Maybe she ought to give the medicine a closer look. After a long pause, she gets up, still painfully ashamed of her state of arousal, and follows Anna, sitting on her bed. Not facing her, not wanting to confront how her heart races at the knowledge of what she was doing until minutes ago. ]
...I used to sell sell myself, sometimes. When I really needed food, or shelter. I must have been thirteen or fourteen when I started.
[ She doesn't tell Anna these things to make her pity her. She doesn't tell them because she thinks she's owes an explanation for her reaction to that crude proposition. But... if this thing, whatever it is, is to survive, than she'll have to brave the terror of having her ugliness seen. And more than that, it truly brings her relief. That, probably, was the largest of Kainé's desires. To be seen and understood by somebody who mattered to her. ]
My body... was born with both parts. The place I was born, they were some cruel, superstitious fucks. Decided I was some kind of demon, a curse. [ Her voice is hollow, distant. She has to keep it distant, or else she'll break down entirely. ] I think they only didn't kill me so they'd have something to blame when shit went wrong. But they could do other things. Beat me, humiliate me. Tear off my clothes to remind me that I'm a freak and a monster. It was mostly the kids, but the adults would join in too. I'm only alive because somebody eventually came along and gave me a real home... for a while, anyway.
[ If it weren't for the catharsis that relief from the curse was giving her, there's no way that she'd be able to say this. Not right now. She feels so vulnerable and exposed. ]
I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. But if you wanna really see me, you gotta know it ain't pretty.
no subject
[she looks down at her hands, resting in her lap, and past them as her eyes stare at the body she's decided to make her own. her legs changed first, hadn't they? she'd called astin over for help, not that they knew what to do, but it was a moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability all the same. anna, sitting there, stuck in her bed and terrified out of her mind at what changes were coming over her. asking for help. receiving it unconditionally.]
Don't care if it's pretty. People like us never get pretty stories. There's always someone out there who's going to hate you just for being different than them. Could be gay, could be trans, could be... intersex, I think the word is? [it's not the point. she turns her head over her shoulder.] But just 'cause it's a normal thing here doesn't change everything we went through to get here. People like us need to look out for people like us.
[the one thing she doesn't say is that she's sorry that kainé went through it. obviously she is! she's crushed that one person had to live through so much hate. but it doesn't feel like why she's just been told that. it just feels like another moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability. one that needs to be met the same way.]
I don't care if you say yes or no to that... stupid thing I said to you a few minutes ago. I just want this place to be safe for us to be ourselves. And I'm sorry that I made it feel like it wasn't.
no subject
But... little by little, there are moments that have changed that. Emil certainly did. Even Weiss. And Anna... it's because she was able to so decisively take hold of Kainé's heart that the fear of betrayal, of being used and tossed aside as something not worth really caring about, are so great. ]
I barely know what any of that stuff means. [ She has a rough idea, though. ] I just want all us freaks and abominations and sad run-down bitches to live. To not hate their lives so much, even if its just a little.
[ But little by little, she starts to calm, as some of that agonizing curse is cleared away. There are still secrets, still desires boiling in her heart but... she feels a little safer, if she needs to reveal them. ]
...I know this damn curse has got us by the throats. I don't hate you wanting me. [ Sidelong, she meets Anna's eye before looking off into the distance again. ] But I... thought that maybe that's all you want from me after all. If that's you confessing. That I'm just a cheap lay. A replacement. And you'll just throw me away, sooner or later, when you find a better one. I mean, who wouldn't?
[ Even as she says that, with a bitter laugh, her hand tentatively ventures out, resting over Anna's. Rough with callouses, a hard life of fighting and toiling. Her heart pounds wildly. This isn't easy. But if they're already here... well, they need to get rid of this curse anyway. And she wants to be with her so badly. She can't pretend that she doesn't. ]
I... want to matter more than that. I want you to understand me. But I don't know... if I deserve that.
no subject
[the differences outweigh everything else easily. more easily than anna was prepared for. her leg shifts, comes up on the bed like she's about to turn around and face her roommate, but she doesn't. not yet.]
I don't want a replacement. And I couldn't find one even if I did. You only figure out you're gay once, right? [she sounds like she's on the verge of a breakthrough. it's something she wants to discuss, but not now. not in the middle of all of this. there's other things being drawn out of her now.]
I want to let you understand me. I want to stop being afraid of letting people in just because I've had so many people taken away from me. And I just...
[this is when she turns herself around, tucking both legs beneath her. her hand slips out from underneath kainé's as she does, but she puts it back on top of hers so the metallic fingers can gently weigh down her hand, too. it isn't the same as a flesh and blood skin to skin thing, but maybe it doesn't have to be.]
I'm not good. At relationships. But I want to show you that you're worth trying for. Because whether it's me or not, I think you deserve someone being able to understand you.
no subject
We really are alike, huh? [ Kainé shifts on the bed, closes her eyes for a moment before continuing. ] I— I've lost so many people. Getting close... that shit hurts. It scares me. Every time I lose somebody, I lose a part of me. [ Her voice is soft and low, still unable to escape the weight of grief. She looks over to Anna, sidelong.] But I think it's too late for that. I just keep getting drawn in anyway. It's like you said. You're already stuck with me. I just... I'm still scared.
[ And now she does look at Anna, and it's not with fury or bitterness. It's soft and kind. Like those little glimmers of affection she would have seen throughout their days. The weight of Anna's metallic hand is comforting over hers. ]
I don't— I can't put a name to all this shit yet, okay? I just... it's a lot, it terrifies the hell out of me, and we're both... bad at shit like this. But I wanna understand you. And I wanna stay with you.
[ So to make that point, Kainé closes the gap between them, and kisses her. ]
no subject
[she doesn't stay in it as long as she should. she wants to stay in it forever. it's her first kiss in years and she can't stop herself from leaning forward, pushing into it just enough to show that this is a good thing, and putting her hand on the back of kainé's neck while her other keeps her upright on the bed. it's only so she doesn't end up lost in it that she stops it, but only enough so her lips are brushing against kainé's when she speaks.]
Then we don't put a name on it. We just live like the freaks we are. [and she's back in the kiss before she can overthink that sentence. there's no time for other thoughts when she'd rather be letting the chemical flood bathe her desert brain.]
no subject
We'll figure it out. [ If Anna's kisses are restrained, Kainé's are greedy and desperate, the release from yearnings that she's buried for so long. She moans into the other woman's lips, right back in there the moment her words leave her mouth. It's not quite like anything she's felt before, nothing like previous encounters to relieve her urges, let alone the degradation that she would endure to fill her belly. It's connection, it's being home, it's defiance against a cold world. When she pulls herself away for a second, she's gasping for breath. ]
God damn. So, uh... Still up for having your insides rearranged?
[ If they've exposed themselves this much to each other, lowered their walls, and now that she's far more aware of the depths of Anna's feelings for her— she's more than okay with this. She wants it really bad, in fact. ]
no subject
[wow.]
[anna is breathless the second time kainé pulls back and she needs a moment to recover from it. her entire body feels warm and what passes for her heart is pulsing, all in ways that she's surprised she hasn't forgotten the meaning of. she doesn't laugh when kainé brings the conversation back to the way this started, but she breathes out and it's hot and just a little amused. there is amazement in her eye as it tries to catch her whatever-they-are-now in its sight.]
Bitte.
[she crawls up towards her pillow and tugs kainé's arm to follow her, difficult as it might be to break the embrace they've found themselves in. (she never claimed to be any good at this.)]
no subject
She's passionate and energetic, making love with feverish intensity. She expresses all of that newly budding love that is so difficult for her to put into words, but which she can easily with her touch, her kisses, her eyes. A love vast enough to consume them both, a love that seizes Kainé like madness, a love that could crush her soul like a mace.
Eventually, she rolls flops to Anna's side onto the bed, glistening with a light sheen of sweat, chest heaving as she catches her breath. There's only one pillow, and she saves that for Anna. Instead she simply snuggles up against the taller woman's side, nuzzling into her shoulder in a way that utterly belies her rough image. Gazing dreamily at her with half-lidded gold eyes, a gentle and vulnerable expression. ]
...Wow. [ What does she even say? ] Hope that did the trick.
no subject
[what does she even say? anna feels. amazing. the curse that's been hanging over her has lasted far longer than just this one month. it's strange to be rid of its weight, but the weight replacing it is far nicer. and she just hopes that kainé feels the same but somehow, mysteriously, she's pretty sure she does. she trails her fingers through kainé's hair and starts off looking towards the ceiling before her head gently turns. there's a quiet twinkle in her eye and god help her she's smiling so purely, so gently.]
I'd say so. [she sounds tired, but after how vocal she'd decided to be, that's not a surprise. what words are left?] God, K. I feel better than I've felt in ten years. We need to do more things together.
no subject
She hums softly as Anna's fingers card through her hair, reaching for her other hand to lace their fingers together, warm flesh with cool metal. Embarrassing as it is to show such unfiltered affection, she returns a small and peaceful smile. She's so happy to see that she's made Anna feel this way. ]
Yeah. [ It took a lot out of Kainé too— she was just as loud, and did far more moving. ] I feel good. Like... a bunch of stuff got washed away. [ More than just the more recent corruption. ] Like I'm cleaner. I... I want to be with you more, Anna. I never knew I could be like this.
no subject
I thought I'd lost my chance. I thought there were a thousand off-ramps my life could've taken by now and I just missed every single one of them. [she is going too romantic with this too fast. she has to pull it back. they don't even have a name for what they are yet. come on, girl. get your endorphins in check. which is something she will attempt to do by speaking eloquently and carefully.]
Thanks for not being weirded out by all my stupid soul bullshit. I'm really glad you stayed. So we can learn more about ourselves.
no subject
I thought I was doomed years ago. No matter how often I wanted to hope otherwise, I... [ They'd given her that hope. That maybe her possession could be cured. But reality wasn't kind to them. ] Well, I guess that's fitting when you end up dooming the world, huh? [ This attachment scares her. One day fate will rip them apart, and she doesn't want to have live through the misery that will cause her. But at the same time, she can't exactly think of this connection is something negative, either. ]
No, I... trust me, I understand that shit. I was possessed for years. That cruel sonuvabitch in my head all the time, always whispering poison. So... it's both of us. [ She kisses Anna's shoulder. ] I... should have trusted you more.
no subject
I understand why you didn't. An android you've never met comes out of nowhere and says your name to you, then starts talking about how she's got some of your memories inside her? [she almost laughs, and her diaphragm sinks with the air she puffs out.] I'm surprised you trusted me at all. But I guess maybe you needed to punch me in the gut to get here.
[her hand comes down to reach for the hand that had punched her; she kisses kainé's knuckles and, of the things she's done with her mouth this evening, this somehow makes her the happiest.]
Don't know if it's the best pillow talk, but you should tell me more about that asshole that lived in your head one of these days.
no subject
Shit, you're right, you're shady as fuck. [ She huffs an actual laugh now. ] But really, you... don't have to blame yourself. That Pthumerian bitch already put you— us, through enough shit. You gave me a chance. I haven't gotten a lot of those. You made some half-feral basket-case yelling at her memories a part of your life. [ It's funny. They still can't stop each other entirely from self-disparagement. You can't fix that so easily. ] You— Look, I really owe you.
[ Kainé sighs softly as Anna kisses her knuckles, pressing closer into the crooks of her body. ]
Yeah... Someday. And you tell me about you, too.
[ But not right now. It's been intense enough tonight, enough sharp edges and exposed nerves. It's been good to open up, but she already feels terribly exposed. That explosion of emotion has left her even more tired than the sex has. With extreme reluctance, she extricates herself from Anna, sits up and stretches. ]
I'm going to wash off. Ah... [ How exactly does one ask for permission to sleep in the same bed without immediately combusting? ]
no subject
[the immediate thing she notices once kainé gets up is the emptiness of it. how much it felt like her body belonged against her, their weights pressing down on the mattress together. how cold it was without her. she looks up, her eye tracking kainé slowly, and it's the weight of that "ah" that gives anna her opening. she phrases it like an offer, not an answer.]
You can come back here when you're done if you want. [she carefully pulls herself to a half-upright position while she talks.] Long way back to your room.
no subject
It wasn't, right?
She only takes a few minutes, just wiping herself clean with a washcloth before drying off. She'll bathe properly in the morning. She returns immediately, going to Anna's drawers and picking a shirt without asking, putting it on. She's naked beneath. Body heat should be enough to keep them warm. Kainé proceeds immediately to the bed, sitting beside Anna. It's hard to pull her gaze away from her face, the whole time. ]
We should get some sleep.
no subject
[god help her if she starts calling kainé her fucking home or something, but. christ. it sure sounds like everyone is singin' la, la la la, la la la. the point is that she's ready to fall asleep next to her roommate by the time they both get settled again, and the way that kainé is looking at her just begs to be returned.]
Yeah. We can figure out the right names for stuff tomorrow if we need it. [she doubts they will. she drapes an arm over kainé, letting the weight of it hopefully give some additional security just in case she's the same way that some other people anna's known have been.] Let's get some rest.
[there's a long pause while she debates over saying something else, but this one isn't cursed. it's just... embarrassing. but kainé has heard worse tonight.]
Thanks for making me feel attractive.
no subject
She nestles against Anna, once again feeling their mutant bodies fit together in a way that makes sense. Kainé can't help smiling. She's never experienced this kind of tenderness before, never thought it was possible for her to be held and cared for like this. She's so tired, but this time it doesn't just feel like fatigue forcibly dragging her towards unconsciousness. ]
Yeah. You're a damn knockout.
[ She knows precisely the feelings behind those words. That's why she can answer like that, an answer that comes from those same feelings. Not denying how Anna feels about her body, not telling her how she should feel about it. Just sincerity. That's all Kainé has to give her.
Within a few minutes, she's asleep in Anna's embrace. ]