Catch-all for Maul; Love is not the opposite of hate.

[survivalthroughhate]

Who: survivalthroughhate and you!
What: open & closed threads
When: Catch-all for February and March
Where: All over Trench

Content Warnings: Event warning for March, graphic description of broken nails



All starters in the comments, threads are marked open and closed! Will be adding more as the months goes on!

Comments

[droptheious]

Varian took the Lamp Friends here- it was the quickest mode of transportation, especially while he's got a lot of stuff with him. He has a toolbox in one hand, in his other, he has his trusty welding torch and mask, his backpack on his back filled with spare machine parts. When he steps through into the house his face is grim- his mouth a thin line. There are no smiles, no light quips. He doesn't respond immediately, looking off to the side, brow furrowed like he's listening to something else. Or in this case, someone else.

"Fern's really not happy I'm here," his tone is hard, distant, all the walls Maul took his time in bringing down have gone up again, higher than ever. "I want to make it crystal clear that me doing this doesn't- doesn't mean we're okay again. I'm doing it because leaving you without your legs would make me the bad person. I'm fixing them, then I'm gone. "

He exhales sharply rubbing his temple, muttering a quiet I know to...well, not Maul. He puts his stuff down, pulling up a stool to study the damage. His movements are careful, critical, trying to work out how the hell to put the man together again.

"You really did a number on them. "

[survivalthroughhate]

Maul nods silently at what Varian has to say. He seems far meeker than than he's been in....well, just about forever. "They got blown off during a fight," Maul says by way of explanation. Upon a closer examination, the wires that are still attached go directly into what's left of his spine. They help send the signals to his brain to make the prosthetics move. Maul lets Varian get to work as he turns to a new page in his sketchbook and begins to draw.

He lets the awkward silence hang there in the air before he's finally able to say what he knows needs to be said. "I need to tell you something. I'm......sorry for what I did and said recently. I let down everyone who has thought I could do better like you and Usagi after you've been on my side even when I didn't deserve it. You all thought the best of me and I didn't reciprocate that trust or love. I let myself down as well. I know I've said before that the Dark Side is based in anger and hate. That's not quite true. What it's really based is in fear. Fear of losing what you have that you care about, fear that only if you have enough power you can keep what you love, fear of the changes that are inevitable. I've been scared for so long of what will happen if I step into the light and become a better person, so I self-sabotage so that I don't have to face that." Usagi had been right on the money when she surmised that was the reason why he'd done what he'd done. She knows his mind better than he does himself sometimes.

He closes his eyes and goes on. This is the most important part. "But not any longer. I hit a very low point this month and was made to realize I'll lose everything to that same fear if I don't learn to control it. I've been a spiteful, selfish, hateful person and if I continue down that path I'll be forever damned to it. I can do better than what I've been and I need to prove that to everyone, including myself. I'm not going to give you false promises of doing better. My words aren't worth much right now. But I'm going to ask you to look at what I do in the upcoming months instead. Let my actions speak for themselves." Opening his eyes back up, he looks to see what Varian's reaction is right now.

[droptheious]

"Who did it?"

It could have been any number of people, honestly. Maul has made a lot of enemies, especially recently. He doesn't say anything after that. He lets Maul carry on, focusing on his work. Despite how very angry he is, he doesn't show it in his work. His hands move deftly and carefully, getting the internal wirings back into working order- occasionally pulling out his welding torch to get pieces of metal into place.

With all his work, he does listen. He doesn't interrupt, doesn't look up from his work, doesn't even make any noise of assent in the whole speech. Even when Maul finishes, he lets the silence linger between them, heavy and uncomfortable.

"You keep telling me this, Maul," he says, still working. "You - you keep telling me that you're going to do better, that you'll learn and work on what you've been shown and you never do. You last maybe about a month if we're lucky, and then you're right back to your old habits and you look surprised when we get upset about you at it. Like being hurt and angry that you've backslid, again and again, is somehow on us."

He picks up a screwdriver, working some screws into a knee joint.

"You are actively destroying the people around you. Once or twice is a slip-up, but at this point, it's looking like you're doing it on purpose. You call it self sabotage and that- that is what it is, but you're going to drag all of us down with you while you go."

He finally looks up at him, the hurt clear in his eyes, that he's been trying to hide as he worked.

"I just- look at Reaper. Not only did you tell someone else you loved them but you then went and bonded with that person while Reaper was trying to process that. You literally chose to make it worse. No one forced you to do that, no one held you at gunpoint. You just decided to take care of your own needs and screw Reaper's feelings. If you actually loved him, you wouldn't have done that to him."

He isn't done, he keeps working and despite how angry his tone is, his hand movements are still gentle. He doesn't let his hurt interfere with his work.

"And Usagi, do you not- do you not understand how badly you've hurt her? How many old hurts you've triggered in her. When you split up you- you kept her captive, treated her like she was an object, and okay, sure that wasn't all on you but have you apologised to her for it? Do you even realise what awful memories you pulled out of her when you did that? No. You just keep using her and she will never, ever draw a line under you because that's who she is. She'll let you keep using her until there's nothing left."

He starts moving onto the lower leg, fixing it up, bit by bit, in a way he's not sure his and Maul's relationship can be. He's not convinced this can be mended any more. He wants to believe it, but things are becoming clearer and clearer to him that Maul's real priorities aren't what he says they are.

"Fern's so beyond done with you because all he's known from people like you is being lied to and let down. The fact he gave you a second chance at all is an absolute miracle and you actively chose to flush that down the toilet," and now Fern is anxious and angry that Varian is here at all, a buzzing in the back of his mind. "And I'm still trying desperately to heal from my corruption and instead of being able to take time for myself and feel better, I get to feel awful because apparently, I'm the babysitter of a fully grown man who refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. Someone who's making me question- making me question everything I thought I knew about my own redemption and self-worth. "

He stops, just for a moment, something tight in his chest wrenching painfully. He's put so much

"You just- you just poison everyone who's stupid enough to love you. And you don't care that you're doing it because if you did, you'd stop."

[survivalthroughhate]

"John Constantine." Which made complete sense given how close he was with Willow. Of course he'd want to take revenge. Frankly, Maul isn't all that upset with losing his legs to the bastard because he knows that he deserves it this time. He can justify a lot to himself but Willow's death? That's something else entirely.

Much as Varian let him talk, Maul does the same when his young friend rightfully starts to chew him out. He knows he's done terrible things but to have them all laid out for him in a row really drives home the point to Maul that he's fucked things up good this time.

Maul twitches a little when Varian mentions Reaper, his left leg involuntarily moving a bit as Varian works on it. He's going to have a word with his mate eventually on talking about their love life with children, even if Reaper does live with them. "I didn't know my love life was any of your concern," He says with a snap but then he immediately looks contrite. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for." He takes a deep breath. "Reaper has his own point-of-view on what happened. And so do I. But I will tell you this much. I may have feelings for someone else that were practically coerced out of me but I don't want to be with them. And Obi-Wan has made it abundantly clear he does not want me that way and never will. I was telling Reaper that so he didn't find it out from someone else because I knew that would hurt him even more. He didn't even let me try to explain because I did want him to understand, not to keep secrets from him. He just lashed out the way he always does, pushing me away because he thought I was going to leave him the way everyone in his entire life has when I had no intention of running to Obi-Wan. I'm perfectly happy with him. There wasn't a good solution to this mess but I did the best I could. We both could have handled the fights we got into better but...." He sighs. Maul knows he messed things up very badly with his mate there. He can stand losing a lot of people in his life but losing Reaper? That might be just enough to finally get through to him. "....I still love him with both of my hearts even if he's being a stubborn idiot. That's never changed. I suppose I owe him yet another apology now." Not that he's sure Reaper will accept it but Maul will risk a shotgun to the face if it'll work. But that will come later. For now, they both need space from one another.

But the mention of Usagi makes Maul's face crumple with pain. "I...I didn't know. She's never told me that part of her past." But he knew that was a feeble excuse. "I've treated her so badly and I haven't even bothered to apologize yet." His current thought was to visit Usagi after Varian was done here. He needs to talk to the one person who has always been unerringly on his side and who still will be with him despite all that he's done.

Maul looks down at his hands, not meeting Varian's eyes. He seems to shrink a little inwards, withdraw as he lets those words wash over him, and his voice was soft as Varian skillfully continued fixing him. There was no fight left in him. "You're right. As you usually are. I'm selfish, self-centered, and full of hate. My entire life, I've just taken what I wanted and not cared about the effect I was having on the people around me. Because no one ever cared about me except for my family, so I saw no reason to care about others. They were just tools to be used the same way I was used my entire life. Not until I came here. People actually took the time to get to know me, to want to help me, to care about me. And instead of doing what I should and showing my best self, I just continually fall back into my old ways, spitting in the faces of everyone who has thought I could do better. People tell me there's good in me, and I suppose there is, but I just let it be overridden by my worst self all the time."

[droptheious]

"Well, then he would have had his reasons. It's not like John to just...attack someone, even when they do actively threaten him like an idiot. What happened?"

His lip curls a little, and even though Maul apologises for snapping, he still remains tense, angry.

"It's my concern because Reaper lives in my house and I need to know if something's hurt him badly because I care about his wellbeing. And it- Maul, it doesn't matter how Reaper pushes you away, that's- that's not the point," he pinches the bridge of his nose, exhaling sharply, not sure how he has to be the one to explain this. "It's the fact you bonded to Obi-Wan. You know what, admitting you had feelings? Good, great. Lets you both make an informed decision on where you want things to go, but the fact you did this and then , while he was trying to process that, you went and did what is basically marriage here beggars belief. I just- can you genuinely not see how that would be soul-crushing?"

Reaper is strong and tough and does push people away, it's true. But he's never seen Reaper look so lost as he did after that last argument. It hurt him to see Reaper in so much pain- especially when it was caused by someone who professed to love him so much. Who, like everyone else, he just used and discarded as he saw fit.

He finishes up his wiring, starting to pull sheets of metal from his bag, hammering and shaping them. For this, at least, he can put his welding mask on, so he doesn't have to look at Maul as he works. With his welding torch, he starts fixing the new sheets of metal to the leg, strengthening it, making it functioning and able to hold his weight again. He's quiet as he works, letting Maul speak. Eventually, he raises the mask to look at him, expression still sharp, walls still very much up.

"Glad to see you acknowledge where the problems are," there's no praise in his tone, no encouragement, they're far beyond that at this point- his tone is cold, clinical. "Now I guess the question is what you're going to do to fix it. Because that- that part has to be on you now. I'm not holding your hand through this anymore."

He goes back to the welding.

"But as one last hint for you, I suggest you start with Usagi. She- she's probably the only person you have left right now outside your brother who is going to have your corner no matter what. Best mend what you broke there before she comes to her senses and goes, too."

[survivalthroughhate]

He takes a deep breath, knowing what he says next might be the straw that breaks the camel's back when it comes to the relationship between Varian and himself. "I killed Willow." He leaves almost no pause before he goes on. "I know what this looks like. Believe me, I know. But I swear on the life of my brother I didn't mean to kill her." If nothing else, at least the fact he's invoking Savage gives some weight to what he's saying. Everyone here knows Maul cares for his brother more than anyone else in the entirety of Trench. "I gave my word to her I wouldn't but I ate one of the chocolates that monster was passing out. The vanilla one. It brainwashed me into killing her as soon as she was within sight. The timing couldn't possibly have been worse. I didn't bother to explain myself because, well, I know how bad it looks." After running his mouth the way he had on the network, Maul figures the chances of anyone believing he didn't mean to do this are nil.

"I didn't realize a platonic bond was the equivalent of marriage, unless you've decided to marry several other people besides Fern as well," Maul says dryly. Not that he can be certain that Varian has bonded with anyone else besides the plant boy but he can guess. And it's really semantics at this point but Maul at least is trying to give an explanation for what had happened. "I was going to try to explain to him what happened but he just does what he always does when he's afraid to lose someone: he shuts them out and pushes them away first so he doesn't get hurt." Maul does the same thing himself so he knows all too well what has happened. He rubs the back of his neck as he thinks of how Reaper had looked when he last saw him, like he was on the verge of losing control. "I'm worried about him. Something with him is wrong. Something that has nothing to do with what's going on between him and I."

Maul twitches his legs to see how they feel as Varian finishes up the welding, starting with the clawed toes and going all the way up to where they meet at the waist. As usual, Varian's work is brilliant. He nods at the suggestion to go speak to Usagi. "She's the first one I'm going to see after my legs are done. I owe her an apology and explanation and so much more." And his nephew is right. She's probably the only person still wholeheartedly in Maul's corner, so he's got to rely on the few people he has left.

[droptheious]

He killed Willow. Varian just...quietly digests that, staring into the middle distance. It means...something, he guesses, that Maul seems to be feeling some genuine remorse through that- but Varian's trust has been broken far too many times now for him to take this at face value. He wants. to believe Maul truly feels remorse about it, that he understands the weight of what he's done, but he can't let himself be that vulnerable. Those protective walls need to stay up.

"Well. That looks really bad, you're right. After going on the network and threatening to kill the people who cursed you, which includes Willow and then you kill her? It looks really, really-" a pause, and then he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You were the anonymous person on the network warning people about the chocolate, weren't you?"

At the retort, he raises his hands in mock surrender. He realises he has wires crossed.

"Sorry, I thought it was the romantic bond," he exhales. "But it still doesn't help that you bonded with someone you admitted to being in love with. Like...you have to see how much that would hurt Reaper, right? And yeah, he's not doing great but I don't know if that's this place or...I don't know. Corruption does a lot of damage and having his heart smashed to pieces won't help with that."

Sorry, Maul, he's not letting you off the hook for that one. But the fact he's worried about Reaper is...something.

"I'll keep an eye on him. Help him how I can."

He does the finishing touches on the legs, watching Maul twitch his legs, testing them out.

"You do. But you need to understand to keep away if she asks you, too, don't force anything on her- she deserves distance too, if she wants it," he knows she might not- Usagi is so deeply unlikely to look out for herself. "How's the legs? Anything feel off?"

[survivalthroughhate]

"The timing couldn't have been worse," Maul agrees. Really, he's done some foolish things in both Deerington and Trench, but this is definitely the worst one as far as consequences go. He nods as Varian becomes the first person to put together who the anonymous post was from. "Yes. That was me. I knew revealing myself would make people not believe me but I had to get the warning out somehow. It was the least of what I could do after that all happened." He had to start atoning somewhere and that was the start. Hopefully, it won't be the end.

"You see? There's no handprint on my face." Not that it's easy to tell with Maul's mottled skin but there's not even a shadow there. "I didn't even get that far in explaining things before he yelled at me to get out. We both have tempers and he just started lashing out. I probably should have started explaining it as soon as I came over but we, ah, started to get a little intimate and he saw the mark when I took of my shirt and--" Alright, he's going to shut up now rather than traumatize Varian with talk of his uncles getting it on. He deliberately looks down on the drawing he's doing and goes back to sketching.

"I don't think I've ever quite explained how the Force feels in my mind. It's a connection to all living things and there's a comfort to that, to always be surrounded by life. I can feel it even here through all the corruption and blood pollution, in the Sleepers, the natives, the Omens, even the beasts and monsters. Jedi in my galaxy, they live in a communal way always. They form bonds between masters and apprentices, always sent out in missions in twos or threes, living at the temple all together. There can form between Jedi who are very close something called a Force bond. It is something that always sounded....nice." Maul sounds a little wistful, shades of that lonely young boy who wanted to be rescued from his cruel master. Sith are.....solitary, alone, never forming any meaningful connections in the Force the way Jedi do. My master deliberately isolated me in the Force and kept me from forming those connections in the Force. I still have trouble doing so even now. It is like being surrounded by water but unable to drink a drop. When I learned of these bonds here, it excited me, for they reminded me very much of what a Force bond entails. My relationship with Obi-Wan is.....complicated but I did want to form a bond with him, yes, but only because he means something important to me. I never intended to hurt Reaper with it. But now I am beginning to see where I may have erred." After so much time of never taking responsibility for his actions, Maul is finally starting to do so. He's growing up a little mentally.

Poor Reaper and he are now both miserable and it is all his fault. Maul reaches down and grasps one of Varian's gloved hands, gently so that he can pull away if he wants. He's alarmed at hearing Reaper is still not doing well. "If he gets....dangerous, you must contact me right away. None of you will be able to handle him and I know Fern will try." Because they both know Fern is just that kind of impulsive. "I'm one of only a handful of people here who might be capable of containing him." Maul doesn't use the word kill because he's reluctant to have to resort to that even with how things are strained between him and Reaper. He loves his mate and wouldn't want to hurt him for the world. Of course, he's beginning to realize how much he's already done that.

"I think everyone can use some distance from me right now," Maul says in a gloomy tone. Yes, he needs his friends, but he also doesn't need to keep hurting them with his behavior, and that's just what he's been doing over the past month. He moves the legs back and forth, testing them out. He stands up for a quick moment and sits back down. "The left knee is a little stiff."

[droptheious]

"...Well. I'm not glad any of that happened, but it's good you put the word out one way or the other. I assume her loved ones know it was you by now? I'm assuming John does if he did this to you."

Varian pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing sharply.

"Yeah, no, you need to tell him things about that before you take your shirt off. That's- look, it's not even reaching out and bonding with people, it's the fact you did it to the guy you'd told Reaper you were in love with," he understands Maul has a...complicated relationship with Jedi and the Force but this... "Even if you know it won't go anywhere, that's- that's a big betrayal of the person who you're supposed to love. Regardless of if you wanted it from home or not, that's something you talk to your partner about before< you do that, and the fact I have to explain that to you is deeply worrying, Maul. It's not just an err here, it's actively hurting someone who loves you."

Varian tenses at the touch. He doesn't pull away, but it's clear in his body language the move isn't a welcome one. He definitely doesn't return the gesture.

"You might be able to contain him, but I don't know if you being around won't make him worse. And that- if we have any hope of calming him down and bringing him back, we need him to not. be worse," he does, then pull his hand away. "Besides, that- that's something Reaper should get to decide anyway. Not me. Not Fern. Not you. Only him."

He's not about to make things even worse for his housemate than they already are, dire as the situation is. He won't betray him. He doesn't respond to the distance comment. After all, he's made his stance clear. He needs it, at this point. He quietly starts working on the knee, adding some grease to it and changing the tightness in the joints. After a few moments of silent working, he leans back.

"Okay. Try it now."

[survivalthroughhate]

"They know it was me I am sure. I don't know if they were made aware that it was an accident and that I never meant for it to happen." Maul hadn't bothered to explain to Constantine. He feels no one is going to believe anything he says at this point, so why bother?

"Considering I've never been in a relationship with anyone I loved at all in a romantic sense, no, I honestly didn't know. There's no guidebook or past experiences for me to fall back on when it comes to my relationship with him, especially given how unique it is in comparison to even other couples here. Maybe I did it subconsciously because I was afraid of losing him and decided to make sure it would happen. I don't know. But I can't take it back now." All he can do is move forward and do better like he's already said he's going to. He'll get around to talking to Reaper again....eventually. After the man is alright with him coming near again.

Maul lets Varian pull his hand away without attempting to keep it there. His voice remains steady. "Varian, I've seen enough people corrupted into beasthood in this city to know sometimes it's not always a choice that can be given as to whether or not they need help." He as at least enough tact not to mention Varian himself was one of those. "He's already deadly as it is. If he becomes a beast, he might not be able to tell friend from foe any longer. I won't kill him if I don't have to but I can't let him hurt anyone else." He doesn't mention how he's already seen Reaper lose control when they were fighting. It might not have been corruption altogether, it might have been Reaper's powers acting up, but whatever it was meant Reaper wasn't fully himself. That worries Maul a great deal.

He stands up and moves his legs back and forth, taking a few steps to see how they feel. "They're perfect now." He wouldn't expect Varian to do any less of a job than that. Maul leans over to the couch armrest and tears the page out of the sketchbook that he's been working on, folding it in two and handing it over to Varian. "For you. Consider it a thank you for coming in the first place," Maul says. When it's opened, it will reveal a sketch of Varian himself that Maul has been working on the entire time. He thought about drawing him smiling but considering how things are between them decided that might be a bit gauche.

[droptheious]

"I think that's something you need to get across to them. So they understand."

Though he's sure Mauls too goddamn stubborn to do that- he's far too determined to remain the villain in his own story.

"I wasn't either! You have to play this by ear and- and use your common sense, it's not hard, Maul!" he heaves out a breath. "You need to think 'gee, will this thing I'm thinking of doing actively hurt the person I love?' and if the answer is 'yes', then you don't do that thing."

He falls quiet. If he hadn't had his friends with him to pull him out of that particular spiral, he knows he wouldn't have come back. They would have had to kill him. No question about it. He also knows how powerful Reaper is, that they might not have a chance to fight him, much less beat him before he does some real damage.

"...Fine. But if it goes south, don't say I didn't warn you."

He moves to stand, before taking the picture- surprise crossing his features as he opens up the piece of paper to see the sketch. It's not enough to bring a smile to his face- he's still very much too tired and unhappy for that much, but he does pocket it.

"It's pretty okay, maybe you should work on that for some...therapy or something. Instead of actively damaging your relationship with someone, you should focus it on drawing instead. It'd work out better for you."