Catch-all for Maul; Love is not the opposite of hate.

[survivalthroughhate]

Who: survivalthroughhate and you!
What: open & closed threads
When: Catch-all for February and March
Where: All over Trench

Content Warnings: Event warning for March, graphic description of broken nails



All starters in the comments, threads are marked open and closed! Will be adding more as the months goes on!

Comments

[droptheious]

He killed Willow. Varian just...quietly digests that, staring into the middle distance. It means...something, he guesses, that Maul seems to be feeling some genuine remorse through that- but Varian's trust has been broken far too many times now for him to take this at face value. He wants. to believe Maul truly feels remorse about it, that he understands the weight of what he's done, but he can't let himself be that vulnerable. Those protective walls need to stay up.

"Well. That looks really bad, you're right. After going on the network and threatening to kill the people who cursed you, which includes Willow and then you kill her? It looks really, really-" a pause, and then he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You were the anonymous person on the network warning people about the chocolate, weren't you?"

At the retort, he raises his hands in mock surrender. He realises he has wires crossed.

"Sorry, I thought it was the romantic bond," he exhales. "But it still doesn't help that you bonded with someone you admitted to being in love with. Like...you have to see how much that would hurt Reaper, right? And yeah, he's not doing great but I don't know if that's this place or...I don't know. Corruption does a lot of damage and having his heart smashed to pieces won't help with that."

Sorry, Maul, he's not letting you off the hook for that one. But the fact he's worried about Reaper is...something.

"I'll keep an eye on him. Help him how I can."

He does the finishing touches on the legs, watching Maul twitch his legs, testing them out.

"You do. But you need to understand to keep away if she asks you, too, don't force anything on her- she deserves distance too, if she wants it," he knows she might not- Usagi is so deeply unlikely to look out for herself. "How's the legs? Anything feel off?"

[survivalthroughhate]

"The timing couldn't have been worse," Maul agrees. Really, he's done some foolish things in both Deerington and Trench, but this is definitely the worst one as far as consequences go. He nods as Varian becomes the first person to put together who the anonymous post was from. "Yes. That was me. I knew revealing myself would make people not believe me but I had to get the warning out somehow. It was the least of what I could do after that all happened." He had to start atoning somewhere and that was the start. Hopefully, it won't be the end.

"You see? There's no handprint on my face." Not that it's easy to tell with Maul's mottled skin but there's not even a shadow there. "I didn't even get that far in explaining things before he yelled at me to get out. We both have tempers and he just started lashing out. I probably should have started explaining it as soon as I came over but we, ah, started to get a little intimate and he saw the mark when I took of my shirt and--" Alright, he's going to shut up now rather than traumatize Varian with talk of his uncles getting it on. He deliberately looks down on the drawing he's doing and goes back to sketching.

"I don't think I've ever quite explained how the Force feels in my mind. It's a connection to all living things and there's a comfort to that, to always be surrounded by life. I can feel it even here through all the corruption and blood pollution, in the Sleepers, the natives, the Omens, even the beasts and monsters. Jedi in my galaxy, they live in a communal way always. They form bonds between masters and apprentices, always sent out in missions in twos or threes, living at the temple all together. There can form between Jedi who are very close something called a Force bond. It is something that always sounded....nice." Maul sounds a little wistful, shades of that lonely young boy who wanted to be rescued from his cruel master. Sith are.....solitary, alone, never forming any meaningful connections in the Force the way Jedi do. My master deliberately isolated me in the Force and kept me from forming those connections in the Force. I still have trouble doing so even now. It is like being surrounded by water but unable to drink a drop. When I learned of these bonds here, it excited me, for they reminded me very much of what a Force bond entails. My relationship with Obi-Wan is.....complicated but I did want to form a bond with him, yes, but only because he means something important to me. I never intended to hurt Reaper with it. But now I am beginning to see where I may have erred." After so much time of never taking responsibility for his actions, Maul is finally starting to do so. He's growing up a little mentally.

Poor Reaper and he are now both miserable and it is all his fault. Maul reaches down and grasps one of Varian's gloved hands, gently so that he can pull away if he wants. He's alarmed at hearing Reaper is still not doing well. "If he gets....dangerous, you must contact me right away. None of you will be able to handle him and I know Fern will try." Because they both know Fern is just that kind of impulsive. "I'm one of only a handful of people here who might be capable of containing him." Maul doesn't use the word kill because he's reluctant to have to resort to that even with how things are strained between him and Reaper. He loves his mate and wouldn't want to hurt him for the world. Of course, he's beginning to realize how much he's already done that.

"I think everyone can use some distance from me right now," Maul says in a gloomy tone. Yes, he needs his friends, but he also doesn't need to keep hurting them with his behavior, and that's just what he's been doing over the past month. He moves the legs back and forth, testing them out. He stands up for a quick moment and sits back down. "The left knee is a little stiff."

[droptheious]

"...Well. I'm not glad any of that happened, but it's good you put the word out one way or the other. I assume her loved ones know it was you by now? I'm assuming John does if he did this to you."

Varian pinches the bridge of his nose, breathing sharply.

"Yeah, no, you need to tell him things about that before you take your shirt off. That's- look, it's not even reaching out and bonding with people, it's the fact you did it to the guy you'd told Reaper you were in love with," he understands Maul has a...complicated relationship with Jedi and the Force but this... "Even if you know it won't go anywhere, that's- that's a big betrayal of the person who you're supposed to love. Regardless of if you wanted it from home or not, that's something you talk to your partner about before< you do that, and the fact I have to explain that to you is deeply worrying, Maul. It's not just an err here, it's actively hurting someone who loves you."

Varian tenses at the touch. He doesn't pull away, but it's clear in his body language the move isn't a welcome one. He definitely doesn't return the gesture.

"You might be able to contain him, but I don't know if you being around won't make him worse. And that- if we have any hope of calming him down and bringing him back, we need him to not. be worse," he does, then pull his hand away. "Besides, that- that's something Reaper should get to decide anyway. Not me. Not Fern. Not you. Only him."

He's not about to make things even worse for his housemate than they already are, dire as the situation is. He won't betray him. He doesn't respond to the distance comment. After all, he's made his stance clear. He needs it, at this point. He quietly starts working on the knee, adding some grease to it and changing the tightness in the joints. After a few moments of silent working, he leans back.

"Okay. Try it now."

[survivalthroughhate]

"They know it was me I am sure. I don't know if they were made aware that it was an accident and that I never meant for it to happen." Maul hadn't bothered to explain to Constantine. He feels no one is going to believe anything he says at this point, so why bother?

"Considering I've never been in a relationship with anyone I loved at all in a romantic sense, no, I honestly didn't know. There's no guidebook or past experiences for me to fall back on when it comes to my relationship with him, especially given how unique it is in comparison to even other couples here. Maybe I did it subconsciously because I was afraid of losing him and decided to make sure it would happen. I don't know. But I can't take it back now." All he can do is move forward and do better like he's already said he's going to. He'll get around to talking to Reaper again....eventually. After the man is alright with him coming near again.

Maul lets Varian pull his hand away without attempting to keep it there. His voice remains steady. "Varian, I've seen enough people corrupted into beasthood in this city to know sometimes it's not always a choice that can be given as to whether or not they need help." He as at least enough tact not to mention Varian himself was one of those. "He's already deadly as it is. If he becomes a beast, he might not be able to tell friend from foe any longer. I won't kill him if I don't have to but I can't let him hurt anyone else." He doesn't mention how he's already seen Reaper lose control when they were fighting. It might not have been corruption altogether, it might have been Reaper's powers acting up, but whatever it was meant Reaper wasn't fully himself. That worries Maul a great deal.

He stands up and moves his legs back and forth, taking a few steps to see how they feel. "They're perfect now." He wouldn't expect Varian to do any less of a job than that. Maul leans over to the couch armrest and tears the page out of the sketchbook that he's been working on, folding it in two and handing it over to Varian. "For you. Consider it a thank you for coming in the first place," Maul says. When it's opened, it will reveal a sketch of Varian himself that Maul has been working on the entire time. He thought about drawing him smiling but considering how things are between them decided that might be a bit gauche.

[droptheious]

"I think that's something you need to get across to them. So they understand."

Though he's sure Mauls too goddamn stubborn to do that- he's far too determined to remain the villain in his own story.

"I wasn't either! You have to play this by ear and- and use your common sense, it's not hard, Maul!" he heaves out a breath. "You need to think 'gee, will this thing I'm thinking of doing actively hurt the person I love?' and if the answer is 'yes', then you don't do that thing."

He falls quiet. If he hadn't had his friends with him to pull him out of that particular spiral, he knows he wouldn't have come back. They would have had to kill him. No question about it. He also knows how powerful Reaper is, that they might not have a chance to fight him, much less beat him before he does some real damage.

"...Fine. But if it goes south, don't say I didn't warn you."

He moves to stand, before taking the picture- surprise crossing his features as he opens up the piece of paper to see the sketch. It's not enough to bring a smile to his face- he's still very much too tired and unhappy for that much, but he does pocket it.

"It's pretty okay, maybe you should work on that for some...therapy or something. Instead of actively damaging your relationship with someone, you should focus it on drawing instead. It'd work out better for you."