payingfordeliverance: (Smile: Pleh)
Xerxes Break ([personal profile] payingfordeliverance) wrote in [community profile] deercountry2022-02-12 11:03 am

003: Seems to me quite clear, now — now that you are here — how easily I could begin again

Who: Break + various
What: Catchall log; closed starters, event overflows, etc. No open prompts.
When: January through February, perhaps into March
Where: Various

Content Warnings: Use of the heartstrings prompt from the January TDM (injury, body horror, burning, melting), and one bond pact (blood ceremony, bodily ceremony, telepathic/empathetic connections). One Mother's Mercy thread (intense guilt and shame, talk of grieving your own death, forced confession), and one using the really evil magic chocolate where you cough up an organ. Threads will be marked accordingly and further warnings added here as they come up.
bolstafir: (pic#13639074)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-05-17 10:01 am (UTC)(link)
[It does look delightfully dramatic. More than that, it looks inviting, in that way between them that signals play -- ever since early on, they've been given to silliness in between serious conversations, be it planned spars or monster hunts or jumping off roofs together. The flare of Break's cape is practically a tease that calls come make a mess with me.

Maybe on another night, he'd resist harder; as Break knows, he too prefers the flexibility of acting alone, where one does not have to account for the movements of others when arranging one's own. And shameless as he might typically be, he doesn't quite relish the possibility of ending up in an embarrassing tangle of limbs on the ground.

But they are alone here, and there is a certain magic to the atmosphere Break has created beyond even that of Madam Generosity. This is a space meant to enjoy oneself without restraint. He steps into Break's space, heels clicking on the ballroom floor as the tailcoat flutters behind him, call and response.]


You know, my old teacher used to say that fighting and dancing had a lot in common. Maybe if you have a partner who looks at it like that, things'll fall into place?
Edited 2022-05-17 10:03 (UTC)
bolstafir: (pic#14876593)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-05-17 11:20 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, totally. They might know a bunch of fancy stuff like how to tell a dozen forks apart, but going with the flow is not one of them.

[There are probably not a dozen different forks, but even (1) fork is something Qrow wasn't used to for literally half his life, having grown up as a forest gremlin. He feels he deserves his sass, though, because he personally knows two entire Schnees and they are both unnecessarily fancy and also hilariously easy to rile. And then there's Jacques, who just plain sucks.

Break lifts his hands to Qrow's, and he sets one of his own on Break's shoulders and the other on his back, vaguely in the position he recalls from that one movie night. It's probably wrong, but at least they're not trying to impress anybody, here.]


Hmmmm... [He tilts his head, as though genuinely considering Break's question, before his expression settles into a faintly coy smirk.] You.

Unless you want to play guessing games with the steps, that is.

[Honestly, he wouldn't be opposed to that either.]
bolstafir: (pic#13949562)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-05-30 09:16 pm (UTC)(link)
Mm, I don't know about all that. Something tells me I might be too busy staying back for extra lessons with the teacher.

[That one's practically a direct flirtation, the way his expression goes nearly half-lidded, indolent as he "misses" a step, entirely too deliberate to be a genuine error. It's not the first time, of course; Qrow has been teasingly flirtatious with Break before, even as early as that time they'd wound up kidnapped by ravens on the corpse boat.

But they have been through a lot since that rainy September day, and it wouldn't be unreasonable if Break were to read a certain heat to the flirty tease that wasn't there before--in the way his gaze lingers nowadays, the way his smiles tend to hold rather than slip away as easily as vapor in the wind.]


...You know, it's actually not that hard, though.

[Or maybe Break's just good at teaching him. Either way, he's honestly surprised. Despite his teasing, he'd genuinely expected to trip over his own feet or Break's by now.]

Really does kind of feel like sparring, the way you match the flow of your movements to your partner's.

[Back when he was a teacher at Signal, modulating his speed and strength to suit the students he was working with was crucial, and it turns out that the skill really does translate. Who knew.]
bolstafir: (pic#14876421)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-05-31 09:35 am (UTC)(link)
Well, if I can't actually partake in fine wine anymore...

[There's actually a suggestive brow raise at that. Nearly a waggle, even. And even with that extra sense of weight to it, there's no denying the goofiness of the whole exchange. Hanging out with Break puts him at ease in a way few others in his life ever has, and as before with Clover, Qrow doesn't notice the rabbit hole he's starting to slide down. That's the thing about someone making you feel safe; when all the hypervigilance and walls finally start to come down, you don't really feel their absence. It seems like the most natural thing in the world, just like breathing -- unless they give you a reason to pull them back up.

To date, Break is the only one who has ever failed to provide one. Qrow hadn't been exaggerating when he'd said that being around Break made him feel like he could pretend to be "normal", and with even that last secret in the open between them he's only thinking about the game of it as they step and twirl around the ballroom. Which means that Qrow, who is inexperienced with the steps, and Break, who is poor at performing them with a partner, inevitably end up at a point where they mess up their footwork simultaneously, and the tangle of their legs in trying to correct themselves takes them unceremoniously to the floor.

And then, an amazing thing happens: Qrow ... laughs. He doesn't get upset about the mistake or the fall, doesn't go quiet or drawn with frustration, doesn't seem to even be thinking of his Semblance, despite the fact that both of them are on the floor and possibly at least one of their sets of fancy shoes has gotten a scuff in it.

It makes his face light all the way up, gives him the look of a man at least a good five years younger when the weight of all that stress and exhaustion and anxiety is lifted, if only for a moment. Perhaps for the first real time since Break has known him, honestly, there's nothing in the set of his shoulders but this peaceful contentment they're sharing right now.]
bolstafir: (pic#14876376)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-18 04:51 am (UTC)(link)
[Everything stops.

It's like that part of the movie where the soundtrack is paused and there's no dialogue, and everything moves in slow motion. There are lips pressed against Qrow's and breath hot against his mouth and though his body remembers what to do, returning that pressure on reflex for a moment, his mind blanks. He does not draw back dramatically, or push the other man off, but neither do his eyes slip closed in contentment, nor does he reach for Break to dig his fingers in his hair to pull him close, or anything like that.

He just kind of stands there, pressed together and frozen, until it becomes awkward enough that they naturally separate, magnets with opposite poles facing pushed apart.

He opens his mouth as if to say something, but the sound is yet muted; whatever is in his thoughts are not for the audience to hear. A moment later, he closes it and goes still as the furniture when the last petal falls. Waiting for the magic words to restart him, perhaps, or simply a bird caught in the headlights like a deer, unable to remember he has wings instead of hooves.]
bolstafir: (pic#13733765)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-19 05:37 am (UTC)(link)
[Unfortunately, Qrow's thoughts aren't in order at all. The thing is, he does like to have fun. He was flirting with the man only moments before. There's no real reason this should be weird.

And yet, his heart is thudding in his ears, and the air feels like it's thin. It's as though the ground has disappeared beneath him, and he is falling without a landing strategy. The ground is coming up rapidly and it will hurt when he hits the ground; he is not ready not ready not ready, he will not land on his feet like this -- ]


I...

[His friend stands there looking at him so expectantly, waiting for an explanation that he does not have and the only thought that remains in a form he can parse at all is that he needs not to be here. He needs to leave, right now. Qrow's spent so much of his life trusting his gut feelings, both as a Huntsman and as someone with his particular semblance, that he doesn't really question the panic that bubbles up in him, doesn't really think at all about why this perfectly normal moment should make him feel so terrified when he's taken strangers in bars to bed back in Remnant, or even about the fact that he'd watched the last person he'd kissed get murdered less than six months ago and never made it out of the ocean in Trench.

All he knows is that he can't bear staring into the confused, distressed mirror of his own red eyes a moment longer. Qrow's gaze drops to the ground.]


I gotta -- go. I'll ... I'll see you later, Xerx.

[Before Break has a chance to say anything more, a bird has replaced the man, and it's gone.]
bolstafir: (pic#13639063)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-19 09:33 pm (UTC)(link)
[Qrow doesn't spend a lot of time in his room, typically. Sure, he sleeps there, when he hasn't crashed out on the couch after a movie, but there's little else he uses it for beyond sleep and storage -- and he has precious few things to store, at that.

Even so, he's spent more time at the Clockhouse than usual, the last couple days. He's taken more time to hang out with Ruby and Ozpin and Oscar, to help out with household chores and with the garden. On some level, he doesn't entirely even notice -- avoiding uncomfortable feelings well enough to fool even himself had fueled over a decade of alcoholism, after all. He certainly hasn't told any of the kids about what happened. But on this particular evening, when Break comes up to his room he happens to be in it for the sake of showering, and the knock is answered with a call of just a minute before Qrow appears at the doorway with wet hair and a towel around his waist.

A long, awkward beat of frozen surprise passes before Qrow's brain has restarted enough to answer.]


....Hey.
Edited 2022-06-19 21:34 (UTC)
bolstafir: (pic#13732685)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-19 10:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[Qrow is far too much a former forest gremlin to be at all fussed about answering the door for someone in a towel, considering the availability of towels (or things to cover up with, in general) in a forest is fairly minimal overall, but he does possess the bare minimum amount of shame to not have this particular kind of conversation in this stage of undress.

He glances between Break and his towel, experiencing a moment of indecision as to whether he should let Break in first or what, and then simply decides Fuck It and steps back a pace, going to fetch boxer shorts that are hanging from a corner of the dresser. What, you didn't expect him to be organized, did you.]


--Sure. Just uh, [he gestures, haplessly, with the shorts] one second. Sit wherever?

[Brb escaping to the bathroom]
Edited 2022-06-19 22:22 (UTC)
bolstafir: (pic#13639063)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-19 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
[Again, Qrow is a master of lying to himself. Seeing Break has to be fine, because if it isn't, then he has to think about why it isn't, about the fact that Clover's lucky pin that he put on a necklace is still sitting on his bedside table. About the fact that the last time he shared an impulsive kiss with someone was also roughly at this point in knowing him and that they'd shoved it under the rug and gone back to being roommates like nothing had ever happened, only for Qrow to discover shortly thereafter that he'd been hiding not only his death but Qrow's involvement in the circumstances leading up to it, or indeed the fact that the murder weapon was Harbinger, for six months.

If he lets himself think it isn't fine, then he has to think about the fact that almost without exception, the people he's allowed into his heart have left scars in it, and he is afraid of the pain.

It is so much safer if Xerxes Break is simply a good friend who got caught up in a moment in a Pthumerian's magic party, and the kiss doesn't matter. Everything is fine, because it has to be. Because if it weren't, and he were to have to take on yet another scar, he is not certain the entire structure will continue to hold.

So when he comes out of the bathroom, he doesn't bear the look of someone facing the gallows because he has decided that there's nothing to be upset about. That he finds a comfy spot to perch in beside Break, so he's not just automatically looking into his eyes just by being positioned across from him also definitely doesn't mean anything. It's all going to be fine.]


Heh, sorry, I don't exactly get company in here much.

[When he hangs out with the others, it's usually in the common areas, or him perching on Ozpin's shoulder in his study, after all.]
bolstafir: (pic#13732683)

[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-20 12:34 am (UTC)(link)
[He's silent at first as he takes in the apology. It settles strangely in his stomach, competing between the part of him that would rather pretend nothing happened at all and the part of him that ... well, that liked it. There really was never anything to apologize for, if he's honest with himself. He wasn't angry about it, or even upset at Break -- just scared, in the end. But the thing about fear is that it hates when people try to reason about that feeling, try to understand it, because most of the time when you look too close at it, you realize it's making you be unreasonable and then you have to do the work of untangling just why it's messing you up so bad.

Qrow has never particularly liked seeing what was there whenever he uncovered too many of the cobwebs. This moment is no different. He lets a hand flap casually, and wears one of his old easy smiles, though there's something distant about it now. Break had only ever come to see him once they were already close, once Qrow had come to trust him enough to let down a few of his walls. This one is different; it's the kind of smile he wears for a stranger, for someone who is only meant to see the superficial charm and never know about the alcoholism or the semblance or the mentor who changed his life simply by believing in him strongly enough.]


Don't worry about it. Enchanted feel-good party like that, thrown by a Pthumerian? Stuff's bound to happen. Just kinda startled me is all, but it's fine.
Edited 2022-06-20 00:35 (UTC)
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[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-20 04:42 am (UTC)(link)
[The smile that hadn't reached his eyes fades like footsteps in sand washed away by the tide when Break presses the issue.

This moment has echoes of another, almost a year and a half ago now. Please don't leave me, Clover had said once. Back then, he'd been afraid that Qrow would reject him once he learned about what had happened in Atlas, about the secret he'd been keeping for six months. Break says it not as a prelude but as an apology, and it's different, but his gut still churns with it. He is too used to being taken for granted; mended fences with Ozpin doesn't erase his history, doesn't erase the tire tracks in his heart where so many had run roughshod over him on their way out. Raven, Lionheart, Ozpin, Ironwood, Clover. More whose names have since been lost in blood and alcohol, over the years.

You don't know my friends, he had said to Clover in Atlas, having lived that night for himself a good six months after first learning of it. This is how it always goes.

He is always, always waiting for the other shoe to drop -- for the abandonment, the betrayal. The grief, when it's neither of the above. He has never once been able to hold onto anything he loves.

(Even the loss of his nieces seems to await his original self, back in Remnant. He tries desperately not to think about it)

To hear Break express the fear that's haunted him his entire adult life, when he hasn't done anything wrong, not really -- it's like throwing a stick into the gears of a complicated mechanism and watching the whole thing seize up. He really doesn't know how to react to this, and it aches at him like a blister he can't reach. This was supposed to be easy. It's fine, and there's nothing more there needs to be to it than that. It's supposed to be fine -- why can't Break just let it be? Some Trench problem or another will distract them soon enough. It's not as though this is like Ford and Ozpin, with some dire breach of trust committed against him, and even if it were, he's apologized already and Qrow just wants to bury it now, so he doesn't have to think about it anymore.

He wants to be frustrated about that, wants to snap at the other man to just drop it, but there's something about how earnestly miserable the other man sounds that hits close to home, and he relents at last with a quiet exhale.]


It won't.

[Breathe in, breathe out. He steels himself to actually look at the other man so his words don't ring hollow. He can't tell a man he's already run away from once that he's not going anywhere and sound like he means it if he doesn't at least look him in the eye saying it.]

Look, far as I'm concerned, it's already resolved, okay? I'm sorry I ran off. I wasn't really thinking, then, but I'm not pissed or anything. We're really fine. If I didn't wanna see you, I'd have fucked off already. I dunno what else to say.
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[personal profile] bolstafir 2022-06-20 02:01 pm (UTC)(link)
[An awkwardness lingers in the air after that answer like a rotten egg; this what what Qrow had wanted, and yet he can't help the sense of sudden guilt that gnaws at his spine when Break lets the matter drop at last, in the way he looks at him like he's already been discarded.

It wasn't supposed to be like this, he thinks again. Things were supposed to go back to the way they were. Simple, and comfortable, and easy. Safe. Things always seem to get complicated somehow, and he's so tired.

And so he makes a bit of an impulsive choice of his own: Break withdraws, hunching into himself and clearly preparing for retreat, and though Qrow doesn't reach out physically to close that distance, to place a comforting hand on those shoulders, he doesn't feel right letting him go without doing something.

The olive branch that's extended does not exactly get offered gracefully; the tension that lingers in the room could still be cut with a knife, but at least he does try -- ]


...You uh, you wanna watch a movie or something?

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[personal profile] bolstafir - 2022-06-21 04:20 (UTC) - Expand